Inspired by FNG and reading Dr Glovers book, I have decided to instigate a sexual moratorium got about 3 months, reading the book and searching around the net, I ticked most of the boxes.
Although we had what I consider to be "better Sex" the other night, I still got the distinct impression she was doing it under suffrage (the non sexual aggression kind of gave it away )
I have told her, and she took it well, I guess she is thinking I won't be able to keep it up and I will soon be back bargaining and all the other needy behaviour. I actually told her straight why i was doing it and what I hoped to gain, like it was not in the vain hope of rekindling out sex life but it was all about me, I am busy cleaning up my side of the street (thanks again to FNG for that) I have a busy few months ahead of me, another 25 lb to lose, get fit at the gym, stop smoking, some more professional qualifications, interview for a very prestigious professional association, none of which I have been that focused on of late. She did say does it mean she can be affectionate with me without the fear it will escalate! I will wait and see for that one
Would love to hear if anyone else has done this and any tops and advice
I'm sure the guys will be along soon to advise you, but here is my $.02.
Trying2figureitout used this approach and it didn't work. His wife was only too happy to have him stop pestering her for sex.
I think that a better method would be Tall Average Guy's--stop doing things that she likes. Stop saying I love you, stop helping around the house, stop spending quality time with her. Whatever her emotional needs are, stop meeting them.
The idea is to get her to feel what it is like to not have needs met in your marriage. Don't be a jerk about it, but tend to your own interests without worrying about what she thinks.
However, it can't hurt to be the best man you can be. Confident, sure of yourself, and attractive to women. Show her what she has to lose.
I'm sure the guys will be along soon to advise you, but here is my $.02.
Trying2figureitout used this approach and it didn't work. His wife was only too happy to have him stop pestering her for sex.
I think that a better method would be Tall Average Guy's--stop doing things that she likes. Stop saying I love you, stop helping around the house, stop spending quality time with her. Whatever her emotional needs are, stop meeting them.
The idea is to get her to feel what it is like to not have needs met in your marriage. Don't be a jerk about it, but tend to your own interests without worrying about what she thinks.
However, it can't hurt to be the best man you can be. Confident, sure of yourself, and attractive to women. Show her what she has to lose.
I am doing most of that as well all except helping around the house, in fact I have upped my input on this front, but with a difference, prior to this I was seeking approval all the time, now I just get on with things if she does not like the way I do it, tough, it's also quite liberating for me to do things on my own terms not in terms of will she be happy and give me sex or reject me, it was the last sex we had a couple of days ago that convinced me that this has to stop, I have a life waiting for me outside all of this
I'm sure the guys will be along soon to advise you, but here is my $.02.
Trying2figureitout used this approach and it didn't work. His wife was only too happy to have him stop pestering her for sex.
I think that a better method would be Tall Average Guy's--stop doing things that she likes. Stop saying I love you, stop helping around the house, stop spending quality time with her. Whatever her emotional needs are, stop meeting them.
The idea is to get her to feel what it is like to not have needs met in your marriage. Don't be a jerk about it, but tend to your own interests without worrying about what she thinks.
However, it can't hurt to be the best man you can be. Confident, sure of yourself, and attractive to women. Show her what she has to lose.
It is flattering to be noted, so I will jump in on some thoughts;
1. Be upbeat and cheerful around her, and do fun things, but not directed toward her. By that, I mean show her what she is missing - fun with a great guy. She likely fell for you in part because you were fun to be around, so show her that you can still be that guy.
2. Work on yourself. She is not interested in the job, so you need to do it. If she asks why, you need to tell her just that - don't be passive aggressive or mean, but let her know that since she is not up to the job, you need to take care of it.
3. I do think it works better without the moritorium. She needs to be able to step up to meet your needs if she wants to. Unfortunately, the moritorium prevents that. So you either need to rethink the moritorium, or consider what other things you need from her, such as initiating other intimacy (cuddling on the couch), saying ILY first, or other things to show interest.
It is flattering to be noted, so I will jump in on some thoughts;
1. Be upbeat and cheerful around her, and do fun things, but not directed toward her. By that, I mean show her what she is missing - fun with a great guy. She likely fell for you in part because you were fun to be around, so show her that you can still be that guy.
2. Work on yourself. She is not interested in the job, so you need to do it. If she asks why, you need to tell her just that - don't be passive aggressive or mean, but let her know that since she is not up to the job, you need to take care of it.
3. I do think it works better without the moritorium. She needs to be able to step up to meet your needs if she wants to. Unfortunately, the moritorium prevents that. So you either need to rethink the moritorium, or consider what other things you need from her, such as initiating other intimacy (cuddling on the couch), saying ILY first, or other things to show interest.
I hesitated about the moratorium but even this evening after telling her things seem to have thawed out a little, which puts me at more ease no tension if you no what i mean.
The only real concern I have is if she decides that she is quite happy with the arrangement but I did say to her that I was not prepared to carry on with the way things were, and if they continued we would have to talk about the future of the marriage. It's not just the sex issue it's a respect one as well and the way I have allowed her to assume the role of dominance in the relationship, that sometimes I was not even allowed to touch her without her recoiling away from me, which actually fills me with a lot of shame that here I am 6'3 well built not bad looking but behaving like a lost puppy
i have takeen the TAG approach going on about a year now. not much has changed except i am at peace, not near as angry as i used to be. she can pound salt
Inspired by FNG and reading Dr Glovers book, I have decided to instigate a sexual moratorium got about 3 months, reading the book and searching around the net, I ticked most of the boxes.
Although we had what I consider to be "better Sex" the other night, I still got the distinct impression she was doing it under suffrage (the non sexual aggression kind of gave it away )
I have told her, and she took it well, I guess she is thinking I won't be able to keep it up and I will soon be back bargaining and all the other needy behaviour. I actually told her straight why i was doing it and what I hoped to gain, like it was not in the vain hope of rekindling out sex life but it was all about me, I am busy cleaning up my side of the street (thanks again to FNG for that) I have a busy few months ahead of me, another 25 lb to lose, get fit at the gym, stop smoking, some more professional qualifications, interview for a very prestigious professional association, none of which I have been that focused on of late. She did say does it mean she can be affectionate with me without the fear it will escalate! I will wait and see for that one
Would love to hear if anyone else has done this and any tops and advice
I applaud this step. I think you will learn a lot about yourself, your wife and your relationship.
1. I strongly disagree with any advice that implies gaming or anything less than total honesty with your wife. This process is for you to improve yourself and whether you repair your sex life with your wife or not, you are going to be a more self-confident, more accomplished and fit guy at the end of 90 days. Hell, quitting smoking is worth the price of admission!
2. Your needs are secondary in the relationship and this is at the root of your problem. The reason you need the sex off the table is because many of us tailor our behavior towards our SO's with the hope of getting a few sexual crumbs from time to time. With no possibility of sex, you should feel free to make your non-sexual needs a priority. This is about adult boundaries.
3. I would consider a masturbation/porn moratorium as well. I think you will find extra drive without that release. The porn part is a separate issue, but I personally think it is a bad habit. I am porn/masturbation free since January and the urges are all but gone.
4. Accept the affection with grace and return it if and as you desire. If you aren't in the mood for a hug, don't give one and don't care if it upsets your wife. Just smile and shrug it off. If you would rather work out than snuggle, work out. Remember, you must be honest with yourself and may not allow yourself to punish her - this is about what you want to do to better yourself.
5. I continue to work hard to understand where sexual urges end and anxiety reduction begins. The dopamine fix feels good when you are stressed. Right now, I am erring on the side of assuming it is stress.
6. Your wife will likely turn up the heat on you shortly. You really need to honor your commitment to yourself and turn her down lovingly. I would even thank her for the compliment and reiterate how important this process is to you and your ability to be a good husband. Flirt with her in return and enjoy the energy, but live like a born again virgin for 90 days.
Consciously or unconsciously, your wife believes that you are weak and led by your sexual desires. Judging strictly from past behavior, it might appear that she is correct.
For many of us, sex is a way to get reassurance that we are OK as people and that the relationship is OK.
When you understand that you are OK without the sex and can actually prosper and be successful without it or the relationship, only then will you be in a position to have a healthy and intimate relationship.
I would table the thoughts about what happens if she doesn't respond. It doesn't matter right now, you have many more important tasks to do for you.
i have takeen the TAG approach going on about a year now. not much has changed except i am at peace, not near as angry as i used to be. she can pound salt
How angry were you before? You still sound pretty angry to me....just sayin.....
You shouldn't have told your wife you are doing a sexual moratorium thing.
Just backed off and done it.
Now it just seems like you're playing some sort of game and being hard to get and she's going to see it as you acting childish and well, she's not wrong, but at least if you kept it to yourself she wouldn't have KNOWN you are resorting to playing these sorts of games in an attempt to change the way she acts towards you.
Even if it worked it wouldn't last. It's not real.
It is flattering to be noted, so I will jump in on some thoughts;
1. Be upbeat and cheerful around her, and do fun things, but not directed toward her. By that, I mean show her what she is missing - fun with a great guy. She likely fell for you in part because you were fun to be around, so show her that you can still be that guy.
2. Work on yourself. She is not interested in the job, so you need to do it. If she asks why, you need to tell her just that - don't be passive aggressive or mean, but let her know that since she is not up to the job, you need to take care of it.
3. I do think it works better without the moritorium. She needs to be able to step up to meet your needs if she wants to. Unfortunately, the moritorium prevents that. So you either need to rethink the moritorium, or consider what other things you need from her, such as initiating other intimacy (cuddling on the couch), saying ILY first, or other things to show interest.
TAG:
I think there are several things wrong with this approach.
Your Paragraph 1 is advocating that BM1 "act" a certain way to get a certain response. This is a recipe for disaster and exactly what got him in this mess in the first place. Nice guys try to guess what will please women and then act accordingly - it is an act, not the real deal and everybody senses a fake. What if he doesn't feel fun? Maybe he is pissed off and wants to go work out. Maybe he is tired. This is about authenticity - the good, the bad and the ugly.
If the wife loves him, she accepts all of him. The "real" guy is what she fell in love with in the first place. This was a guy who didn't care much or maybe even at all about pleasing her.
If she doesn't respond to the real person, we have a different problem, but at least we have clarity. Who wants to be married to someone who doesn't love the essence of who they are? BM1 needs to get himself to the place where he says: "Hi honey, this is the road I am heading down, care to join me?" He is going down the road with or without his wife.
Paragraph 2. It is not her job to work on him. He is the only person in the world who is responsible for him. She can support him and encourage him, but only he is responsible for his actions. She can slap him upside the head for acting like a puppy dog - she has in fact by not having sex with him (passive aggressive crap, but action nonetheless).
Paragraph 3. He can be intimate in so many ways without being physical or saying I love you. Actions speak louder than words. Once he starts doing all of these wonderful things for himself, he will not be able to help himself but to give away his excess good mojo, and he will have tons of it. He will be like the energizer bunny and will make her breakfast because he can and he enjoys being productive. No strings attached and she will melt because he is doing it out of love and respect and not for a piece of ass.
I think the moratorium is a serious mistake. That said:
- blue needs to fully gain control of his emotions and learn not to speak when he is in a bad place. By emotional control I mean a few core things:
1. Fix his lifestyle issues and get enough sleep
2. Write down who he wants to be and how he wants to handle situations he has historically botched
3. Define his own standards as the start and end of how he will evaluate himself. He should consider her input. And assess it fairly. And when a critique is valid his response should be simple: thank you for the helpful feedback. This is how I will handle that going forward. And when her feedback is inactivate or self serving he should say he disagrees and disregard it. If she asks for an explanation he should provide it and then shut up. His standards are not for her to debate.
4. Clearly convey his boundaries to her. One boundary needs to be that I she speaks to him disrespectfully or snaps at him during a sexual encounter, the encounter ends right there
He is the author of his part of this. Even so, taking sex off the table implies that he is solely at fault for the current state of the marriage. It is a very dangerous message to send.
Still - he should not bring it up for a month - and should focus on a combo of more upbeat behavior, more planning of their life and enforcement of his boundaries.
QUOTE=FormerNiceGuy;670787]TAG:
I think there are several things wrong with this approach.
Your Paragraph 1 is advocating that BM1 "act" a certain way to get a certain response. This is a recipe for disaster and exactly what got him in this mess in the first place. Nice guys try to guess what will please women and then act accordingly - it is an act, not the real deal and everybody senses a fake. What if he doesn't feel fun? Maybe he is pissed off and wants to go work out. Maybe he is tired. This is about authenticity - the good, the bad and the ugly.
If the wife loves him, she accepts all of him. The "real" guy is what she fell in love with in the first place. This was a guy who didn't care much or maybe even at all about pleasing her.
If she doesn't respond to the real person, we have a different problem, but at least we have clarity. Who wants to be married to someone who doesn't love the essence of who they are? BM1 needs to get himself to the place where he says: "Hi honey, this is the road I am heading down, care to join me?" He is going down the road with or without his wife.
Paragraph 2. It is not her job to work on him. He is the only person in the world who is responsible for him. She can support him and encourage him, but only he is responsible for his actions. She can slap him upside the head for acting like a puppy dog - she has in fact by not having sex with him (passive aggressive crap, but action nonetheless).
Paragraph 3. He can be intimate in so many ways without being physical or saying I love you. Actions speak louder than words. Once he starts doing all of these wonderful things for himself, he will not be able to help himself but to give away his excess good mojo, and he will have tons of it. He will be like the energizer bunny and will make her breakfast because he can and he enjoys being productive. No strings attached and she will melt because he is doing it out of love and respect and not for a piece of ass.[/QUOTE] Posted via Mobile Device
I think the moratorium is a serious mistake. ..... Even so, taking sex off the table implies that he is solely at fault for the current state of the marriage. It is a very dangerous message to send.
I don't agree and don't see how a moratorium implies anything other than BM1 has found his balls and has more important things to do than have crappy sex with his wife.
That is a great point. So he defines a boundary: he is not going to have crappy sex with her. She can initiate however that means she comes to bed with a loving heart and a genuine desire to connect with him. If she does otherwise he will stop the proceedings.
And I guess he could add in a bit about: if she cannot generally be respectful and considerate he doesn't want to sleep with her.
OTE=FormerNiceGuy;670873]I don't agree and don't see how a moratorium implies anything other than BM1 has found his balls and has more important things to do than have crappy sex with his wife.[/QUOTE] Posted via Mobile Device
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Sexual Moratorium 
) 
all except helping around the house, in fact I have upped my input on this front, but with a difference, prior to this I was seeking approval all the time, now I just get on with things if she does not like the way I do it, tough, it's also quite liberating for me to do things on my own terms not in terms of will she be happy and give me sex or reject me, it was the last sex we had a couple of days ago that convinced me that this has to stop, I have a life waiting for me outside all of this
