My wife and I have been happily married for 6 years, together for 12. We have a 5 year old and 10 month old baby. Things have always been extremely good between us, and we've always been happy in our relationship.... until now.
Over the past 2-3 weeks, my wife has started to be distant. When I asked her what was wrong, she said that it's something that she needs to sort out for herself. To cut a long story short, I found out she was getting very close to a male friend of ours. When I asked her what was going on, she said that they're just friends and he's helping her get over her issues. I know I'm not providing much detail, but I believe that she is having an emotional affair with my friend.
We had a long discussion about what was going on, and she said to me that she is confused about herself, and feels empty inside. She doesn't have any feelings for me anymore, but she's not sure if it's because she's confused about herself or not. She also said that she cant talk to me anymore, and that her male friend and her can connect in conversation so much more than I can. She doesn't want me to talk to her about it anymore and just give her time to work things out in herself.
We are still currently living together, but there is no longer any affection between us. She's still talking with her male friend, and I believe it's heading to something more than friends..... I don't know what to do.
Firstly, what's the best way to handle such a situation? Do I give her more time and not hastle her? Everytime we talk about it, it makes things worse. I still love my wife very much and want us to be together, but not sure what to do. I also feel very hurt at the moment and wondered if there are any suggestions for handling such pain? I think about it every waking moment and it's affecting everything I do.
im afraid i offer the hard approach on this one.
your wife isnt lying to you. she is being honest in how she feels, i been there.
there are 2 approaches - you either say it like it is - that she cant live this life of keeping you in the dark. where you want a relationship and she thinks she can have things both ways on her terms.
or ask her to move out so she can have her space.
either direction you take - yep i have done both.
both are hard to address and both are shock tactics.
if she agrees to trying for the relationship - you stil have to allow space in her head - because i do believe she is very confused. ask her kindly to rethink the connection with the other male, as nice as possible. or ask her to make a decision.
but be tactful in the fact she cant have it all.
keep things short and simple and dont step up to a row.
always at best remain calm.
i believe in situations like this you have to change your persona, whatever you did in the past , you have to make changes in yourself for your future.
this isnt daft - but by doing this change - your secretly inside fighting for your wife and she wont know it.
another suggestion , be smarter around the home - aftershave -
etc. go out with a mate one evenin .
if she asks what your doing - always keep answers short.
dont explain.( i promise this approach P***es me of)
so no doubt it might get to her also.
honestly the more you do this, wil make her realise she could have the POSSIBILITY of losing you.
the more that possibility / doubt is put in her head , just by simple moves. then you have a stronger POSSIBILITY of gettin her back.
dont forget though, you stil have to change in the long run.
Ask to go to counsling! She admits she is not sure why, so try to have her work on it. If the other guy is a mutual friend, talk to him and ask to back off. If he does, then maybee a chance. If he does not, then I am afraid you have probably already lost her. Do the best thing for the children! I do understand and feel for you!
Just to give you a little more info, since we had the big discussion about our relationship, I'm been trying hard to be a better husband. I've been taking better care of myself, losing weight, doing more around the house, spending more time with the kids, etc, and she has said that this is helping. I think this is the right thing to do.
I haven't actually talked much about her relationship with the other male, as every time I do she says they are just friends and I'm over-reacting. I know I need to tell her that she can't have it both ways, but I don't want it blowing up into a big argument. I will try to approach it delicately, and see how it goes.
We have already discussed separating, but in the end she said that she just needs time and to not push her. We remained together and in a way I think the only reason we did was because of the kids, and that she didn't want to be alone. I didn't want it to happen either.
As for counseling, well I certainly did suggest this but don't think she was interested. I am willing to go, especially if it's going to help, but think she said she just wanted to try and sort things out on her own.
I haven't actually spoken to my/her male friend about the whole situation, and still wonder if it's the right thing to do. I think that if I did, he would tell my wife and she would be extremely upset about me stepping in. On the other hand, if I do and he backs off, then it might fix the situation. I'm in two minds about it at this stage.
Thanks again for your input and I would appreciate any other comments, as I really need help with this.