I'm so confused with my marriage and I really need perspectives from other people...especially men. I have been with my husband since I was 16 and he was 19. Dated for 4 years(lived together 2 of them)and we've been married for almost 5 years. We have always had alot of ups and downs and he says it's just from my lack of sexual consistancy. The thing that makes him feel the most loved is bj's. I even feel like he loves them more than he loves me and he has openly admitted that he would not be with a woman who didn't give them to him. He wants them more than anything and I now resent and hate to do them more than anything. He says every guy is like that...maybe not with bj's specifically but sex and bj's are the only way men feel loved is what he says. I feel like the big reason I dislike them so much now is because he's made me feel like if he doesn't get atleast 1 a week then there is hell to pay. And I have to finish it in my mouth...no exceptions. When he doesn't get them once a week he gets very angry and will call me names. 'F*cking B*itch' is his favorite lately...and he's now done it several times infront of our 2 year old daughter.
I'm seriously trying to decide if a divorce is best for us. There are alot of other things that go along with this thought but this is the main problem for him. Should I just continue to do it and feel like I'm a prostitute to him?
I think on love as two things. First there’s the love we feel inside of us for the person we are in love with and married to. So love is a feeling, emotions.
But the person we are in love with wont actually feel loved unless we express our love to them. So love is both feelings and expressions of those feelings.
We express our feelings of love in many different ways. For example by being the provider of a home, paying the bills, loving the home by maintaining and decorating it, by giving gifts, through hugs and cuddles, by cooking food and cleaning the home. There are endless ways in which we express love to one another.
If your H only ever feels love through a bj then everything else you do for him is more or less a waste of your time and effort.
The thing is I can’t see how you or anyone else can get him to “see the light”. In fact I think the only thing that will make him change starting by taking a good long and hard look at himself is if you were to leave him. Then because you were no longer expressing your love he may well miss the things you do for him other than the bjs.
But from what you say I actually think your husband is a pig and is best left alone.
Still if you want to try and get him to see the light then just withdraw every single thing you do for him, cooking, washing his clothes, everything. This is called The 180, it’s an about turn designed to demonstrate to your husband what it would be like living without you without actually separating plus to protect yourself from any further abuse.
Run for the hills and take your precious daughter with you. Life is so much more peaceful for me now without all the pressure of having to live by someone else's selfish rules and living under a tyranny all the time. It could be for you as well.
I wish you all the best.
Jen
PS - some great sites out there on verbal abuse - google 'our place verbal abuse' and 'drirene.com'.
I think it is a big leap to jump from "my husband wouldn't change" to telling another poster to "run for the hills." It may be where she ends up, but I don't see enough information to go there, yet.
Anon1987 - You and your husband have boundary problems. Your boundaries are not where they should be and/or your husband doesn't respect them. It takes two to tango.
1. Has he ever been violent or do you think there is a reasonable chance that he could get violent? If yes, leave and get help.
2. If no, then you need to sit down with him:
You: "I will not allow you to call me names or be disrespectful ever again. If you do, and I don't care how mad you get or even if I am the cause of the anger, I will leave you and take our daughter with me."
You: "I understand that it makes you feel like I love you when I give you BJ's. Right now, this marriage is in crisis mode and I will not be giving BJ's or having sex with you until further notice."
You: "We need therapy immediately if we want to save our marriage."
I think it is a big leap to jump from "my husband wouldn't change" to telling another poster to "run for the hills." It may be where she ends up, but I don't see enough information to go there, yet.
Anon1987 - You and your husband have boundary problems. Your boundaries are not where they should be and/or your husband doesn't respect them. It takes two to tango.
1. Has he ever been violent or do you think there is a reasonable chance that he could get violent? If yes, leave and get help.
2. If no, then you need to sit down with him:
You: "I will not allow you to call me names or be disrespectful ever again. If you do, and I don't care how mad you get or even if I am the cause of the anger, I will leave you and take our daughter with me."
You: "I understand that it makes you feel like I love you when I give you BJ's. Right now, this marriage is in crisis mode and I will not be giving BJ's or having sex with you until further notice."
You: "We need therapy immediately if we want to save our marriage."
Good luck.
I think abusers dont change. These are signs of worse things to come to me. Therapy may work but it sounds like this man is selfish and cruel. Those are things about people that stay the same. No therapy can change that part. It is who they are.
To the poster, you are 24 and have a big life in front of you. This doesnt sound like a good way to start. I am sorry you are in this and you and your child need better.
All men are not like him. Most are kind. I have met one bad one who hits his wife. He says its what happens. No it isnt. Treating your love one badly isnt normal.
Man here. NO, not all men are this way, but all abusive, immature and self centered men are this way. This sounds horrible, horrible. It is not a relationship. Relationships are two way, not one way. Sex and Sex with intimacy are two totally different acts and experiences. He only wants sex for him. You are being abused. You need to seek help from organizations that help abused women. The longer you do not do this, the deeper into the abusive cycle you are going to fall and the harder it is going to be to get out. Please take action now!!!!!! Your life will be so much better without a person like this in it. You probably have no idea what else is possible since you've been trapped with this a-hole since you were 16.
I love them too but if she deplored giving them then I wouldn't want them. If she doesn't want to do it for me then I will completely loose interest in receiving them. With that kind of attitude he is treating you like a call girl.
I'll add my voice to the chorus here. Your husband seems to be contemptuous of women, and thinks that we are good for only 1 thing. Please don't let your daughter see that you accept being treated like that.
I think it is a big leap to jump from "my husband wouldn't change" to telling another poster to "run for the hills." It may be where she ends up, but I don't see enough information to go there, yet.
Ok, I understand your point, although I am not just basing my abusive relationship experience on my own, but on many other women I have known who have been in my shoes and in abusive relationships.
But yes, playing devil's advocate, put a time limit on your relationship. Say six months to a year maximum. See what he does to make serious changes for you and then decide. See if he goes in to therapy. If he doesn't, then sorry there is very little hope. No man who respects women will resort to the type of behaviour your husband is putting out.
I still think it would be the best idea to separate at this point.
I think it is a big leap to jump from "my husband wouldn't change" to telling another poster to "run for the hills." It may be where she ends up, but I don't see enough information to go there, yet.
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Perhaps we differ on our understanding of human nature. Someone who is prepared to call his spouse a F*cking B*tch under these circumstances would require a fundamental change in personality.
The only caution which would apply to every poster (and I include myself) if you leave out critical information or can't resist painting your spouse unfairly, then the rule of "garbage in garbage out" applies. You rely on any advice you receive at your hazard.
But in this case if the original OP is accurate then in my view with a lot of hard work, understanding, heart to heart talks,and maybe some professional counselling then they will begin to show signs of improvement before resorting back to the original dysfunctional relationship a few months to a couple of years down the road.
Perhaps we differ on our understanding of human nature. Someone who is prepared to call his spouse a F*cking B*tch under these circumstances would require a fundamental change in personality.
The only caution which would apply to every poster (and I include myself) if you leave out critical information or can't resist painting your spouse unfairly, then the rule of "garbage in garbage out" applies. You rely on any advice you receive at your hazard.
But in this case if the original OP is accurate then in my view with a lot of hard work, understanding, heart to heart talks,and maybe some professional counselling then they will begin to show signs of improvement before resorting back to the original dysfunctional relationship a few months to a couple of years down the road.
Unfortunately I agree with this. I would far rather that people stay married, wherever possible, however, I cannot say that where abusive relationships are concerned. The way the OP describes her relationship is that this is an ongoing controlling behaviour, not just a one off heated moment, that perhaps could be worked out.
My husband went to counselling a few times and he did improve for a while but then resorted back to abusive behaviour further down the line. Why? Because he was taught this as a child. He watched his father do it to his mother. Which teaches me that if you stay with a man like that, your children may treat their future spouses and you the same way.
Why? Because he was taught this as a child. He watched his father do it to his mother. Which teaches me that if you stay with a man like that, your children may treat their future spouses and you the same way.
What a nightmare.
Jen
Sorry - sounds like you had a rough ride.
I still have faith (or naivety) in human nature. People can recover from childhood trauma and bad behavior, but is is a big project. The challenges are many, including 1) the person has to recognize they have a problem and 2) they have to be willing to open Pandora's box and go rummaging around until it is clean. Most folks don't want to look that deeply.
In my experience, human beings do an unbelievable job at choosing mates who will push their every button and present the opportunity to heal emotional wounds and get healthy. Most of us run from the opportunity.
Mominmayberry, Jen, and others - while I agree that his calling her that vulgarity in front of the child is despicable lets not string him up by the short hairs just yet. Obviously what he did was wrong in this regard but if it happened one time then I would say its an aberration and not a reason to call out the MPs. If however its a pattern of abusive behavior it should be addressed. If he gets physical or violent then obviously she needs to seek help asap.
OP - you are young. I assume your husband is young as well. He is attempting to manipulate you for his own benefit. He is counting on your naivete but since you are here on TAM he has obviously miscalculated. The reason men like BJs is because it puts a woman in a submissive position. If it is part of a consensual sex experience then it is perfectly acceptable. However if it is coerced or demanded then it is not acceptable period. BJs are part of Morrigan and my sexual rotation as are many other sexual acts that we BOTH enjoy. He should be pleasing you as often as you are pleasing him and both of you should want to please the other. If that is not the case then you need to sit down and work out boundaries that are agreeable to both. It may be necessary to seek out counseling if the two of you cannot come to an acceptable agreement. Bottom line, you should not be forced to do something you really don't want to. If he cannot be with a woman who will not give him regular BJs and you aren't into it then you simply aren't sexually compatible.
If however its a pattern of abusive behavior it should be addressed. If he gets physical or violent then obviously she needs to seek help asap.
The OP has stated that if she doesn't give him regular BJ's, there will be hell to pay. That already indicates that there is a pattern of abusive behaviour, emotionally at least.
Don't discount the devastating effects of emotional or verbal abuse against physical, all types of abuse are bad in their own way. The OP should seek help now, or at the very least find out more about the dynamics of abuse by reading or visiting the sites I wrote about in an earlier response.
The OP has stated that if she doesn't give him regular BJ's, there will be hell to pay. That already indicates that there is a pattern of abusive behaviour, emotionally at least.
Don't discount the devastating effects of emotional or verbal abuse against physical, all types of abuse are bad in their own way. The OP should seek help now, or at the very least find out more about the dynamics of abuse by reading or visiting the sites I wrote about in an earlier response.
Jen
I definitely do not discount the effects of emotional or verbal abuse. But "hell to pay" can mean many things in many different situations. Only the OP can judge if she feels she is being abused. If so, it must be addressed immediately for not just her sake, but the sake of her child and believe it or not for the sake of her husband too because she is not doing him any favors by ignoring such a potentially volatile situation.
Let us not judge a situation too quickly or harshly either. We don't know all the details of their situation so our advice is going to reflect that half truth. For instance, I was emotionally and verbally abusive to Morrigan. Having disclosed that I should be rightfully accursed by posters here on TAM. If I reveal it was only for a little more than a week maybe I might get some leniency. If I add that it was following the disclosure of infidelity might I receive more sympathy? BTW, let me add there was no excuse for my abuse of her and I sought help for my PTSD symptoms asap.
All I'm saying is that the OP is the best judge in what is abuse. Her husband is certainly at the very least being a jerk and attempting to manipulate her. That should be addressed accordingly. And if she even has the slightest thought that she is being abused she needs to seek out someone who can look at her situation in a non biased way.
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Re: He say's 'All guys are like this' IS IT TRUE? 
