He say's 'All guys are like this' IS IT TRUE?

anon1987 · 04-13-2012, 10:22 PM

I'm so confused with my marriage and I really need perspectives from other people...especially men. I have been with my husband since I was 16 and he was 19. Dated for 4 years(lived together 2 of them)and we've been married for almost 5 years. We have always had alot of ups and downs and he says it's just from my lack of sexual consistancy. The thing that makes him feel the most loved is bj's. I even feel like he loves them more than he loves me and he has openly admitted that he would not be with a woman who didn't give them to him. He wants them more than anything and I now resent and hate to do them more than anything. He says every guy is like that...maybe not with bj's specifically but sex and bj's are the only way men feel loved is what he says. I feel like the big reason I dislike them so much now is because he's made me feel like if he doesn't get atleast 1 a week then there is hell to pay. And I have to finish it in my mouth...no exceptions. When he doesn't get them once a week he gets very angry and will call me names. 'F*cking B*itch' is his favorite lately...and he's now done it several times infront of our 2 year old daughter.

I'm seriously trying to decide if a divorce is best for us. There are alot of other things that go along with this thought but this is the main problem for him. Should I just continue to do it and feel like I'm a prostitute to him?

tacoma · 04-13-2012, 10:33 PM

Why would you disrespect yourself like this?

It`s apparent he hasn`t a clue what love is at all.

He doesn`t love you, no man loves a woman and treats her like this.

s3xy_g33k · 04-13-2012, 10:37 PM

If he is defining love by how much oral sex he gets, then he obviously has a warped mindset. If he truly loved you, he would see that his behavior is ridiculous and disrespectful. Has he been like this since the beginning of your relationship? Also, have you discussed your feelings on the matter?

Browncoat · 04-13-2012, 10:42 PM

First off acting like that in front of the children is unacceptable.

Well the BJs thing isn't 100% universal. I like them well enough, but if my wife never gave me another I wouldn't cry a river either. Other guys feel differently from what I've picked up on the forums here.

As for feeling sex helping men feel more connected to their wives, sure that part is true. I know I always feel more connected and feel my love deepen after sex (and for days after). Different men want sex at different rates.

Still though, love for your wife... that's independent of how much sex you get (or should be). My wife and I struggled with sexual issues for 15 years, but my wife knows I love her.

Now the love you feel from your wife, yes that can be impacted by sex. For me there is the love I know to exist in my head from what I see, hear and observe (that part knows my wife always loves me). Then there's my heart, and when I've not had sex in a long while I feel empty there. My heart doesn't feel loved.

anon1987 · 04-13-2012, 10:43 PM

He has been like this since the begining and I have tried extremely hard to be in the same mindset as he is but I'm now starting to realize that I'm worth more. And the thought of my daughter seeing it and feeling what's going on makes me sick. I have talked in circles trying to explain that he's made me feel like a sex object. But he just says that he's not willing to give them up because that's what makes him feel loved.

EleGirl · 04-13-2012, 10:46 PM

So he wants oral sex a lot. How much attention does he give you during sex? Or is it all about him?

I agree with the others... BJ's are not the only kind of sex that makes a man feel loved by his wife. Your husband preferres oral sex to other kinds of intimacy... probably because it feels very good AND because he can put minimal effort into it.

You are being mistreated. Filing for divorce might be your best bet.

Complexity · 04-13-2012, 10:47 PM

To be honest I can see with where your husband is coming from with sexual intimacy=feeling loved . That being saidm he does come across like a selfish ass. I don't think you should throw in the towel so easily though.

anon1987 · 04-13-2012, 10:50 PM

I haven't always hated giving oral. I used to feel proud and happy to do it but because I feel like I'm forced to do it I would be happy to never do it again.

During sex he will try to please me but I'm feel totally shut off to him. Any kind of touching or affection from him is sexual. He'll come to bed at 3am and rub me to say goodnight, and if I don't spread my legs then he shoves them apart so that he can put his hand there.

s3xy_g33k · 04-13-2012, 10:51 PM

Saying that bjs are what make him feel loved just sounds like something a sleazy guy would say to get one in a bad movie. He has no respect for you or your daughter. If you've tried talking to him about it and he dismissed your argument, I'd say get out. He's proving that he doesn't care about your emotions and so you should not worry about his.

Complexity · 04-13-2012, 10:51 PM

Woah, you really need to set some personal boundaries with this douche

anon1987 · 04-13-2012, 10:54 PM

I'm only 24 and I feel like I've tried so many things to make it better. But I'm at the point where I'm embarassed and I am starting feel like an idiot about it now.

Browncoat · 04-13-2012, 10:55 PM

He's forcing his way with you against your will. I'd strongly consider getting a separation from him right away. Let it shake him up and see if he changes his attitude pronto.

He had best have a big change of heart and woo you back if you want him back. I agree with Complexity, setup some boundaries if you do let him back.

Do you have family or friends you could stay with?

unbelievable · 04-13-2012, 10:55 PM

It doesn't make much sense to call one's partner hateful names and then expect loving touches (in any form) from them. I imagine you would like to feel loved, too. If he wants you to behave like a loving, giving partner, he needs to be one.

anon1987 · 04-13-2012, 10:59 PM

I have sort of started to make a plan to get out by moving back in with my parents. He has had multiple opportunities in the past to have a 'wake up call'. Before we had our daughter, in 2008 I moved out for 6 months and he started going to councelling and then we went together. We moved to MI together after he joined the CG and he did make some great changes but is now falling back into those old abusive behaviors.

Kurosity · 04-13-2012, 11:03 PM

I feel more connected to my H during and after sex and he agrees that it is the same for him. But the truth is sex and sexual acts are not the only way for a man to feel loved! (what a blanket statement)

To put his gratification above your comfort and willingness is just wrong and it is worse for him to call you names in order to punish you for not giving him his way. And to do so in front of a child is wrong. He is being a selfish man and it sounds like he has issues.

Men feel loved much the same as everyone else. They too need the acceptances, respect, reassurance, and so forth like we all do. The feel love through other means then just their penis. That statement is just a bunch of bull and a blanket one.

I think his behavior and treatment of you (esp. in front of children) is horrible and grounds to file for a D (I rarely ever recommend D to anyone). I am sure that there are other options IC MC, that you could try before getting a D. He needs IC imo.