Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

He say's 'All guys are like this' IS IT TRUE?

7K views 56 replies 29 participants last post by  Jellybeans 
#1 ·
I'm so confused with my marriage and I really need perspectives from other people...especially men. I have been with my husband since I was 16 and he was 19. Dated for 4 years(lived together 2 of them)and we've been married for almost 5 years. We have always had alot of ups and downs and he says it's just from my lack of sexual consistancy. The thing that makes him feel the most loved is bj's. I even feel like he loves them more than he loves me and he has openly admitted that he would not be with a woman who didn't give them to him. He wants them more than anything and I now resent and hate to do them more than anything. He says every guy is like that...maybe not with bj's specifically but sex and bj's are the only way men feel loved is what he says. I feel like the big reason I dislike them so much now is because he's made me feel like if he doesn't get atleast 1 a week then there is hell to pay. And I have to finish it in my mouth...no exceptions. When he doesn't get them once a week he gets very angry and will call me names. 'F*cking B*itch' is his favorite lately...and he's now done it several times infront of our 2 year old daughter.

I'm seriously trying to decide if a divorce is best for us. There are alot of other things that go along with this thought but this is the main problem for him. Should I just continue to do it and feel like I'm a prostitute to him?
 
#2 ·
Why would you disrespect yourself like this?

It`s apparent he hasn`t a clue what love is at all.

He doesn`t love you, no man loves a woman and treats her like this.
 
#28 ·
:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Please no that his actions are not normal. He is trying to make them out to be like they are so that you will tolerate it.

If my husband ever called me a ***** he would get slapped and he had better hope that that's all he gets. You should not have to take that from the person you vowed to spend the rest of your life with!!!!!
 
#3 ·
If he is defining love by how much oral sex he gets, then he obviously has a warped mindset. If he truly loved you, he would see that his behavior is ridiculous and disrespectful. Has he been like this since the beginning of your relationship? Also, have you discussed your feelings on the matter?
 
#4 ·
First off acting like that in front of the children is unacceptable.

Well the BJs thing isn't 100% universal. I like them well enough, but if my wife never gave me another I wouldn't cry a river either. Other guys feel differently from what I've picked up on the forums here.

As for feeling sex helping men feel more connected to their wives, sure that part is true. I know I always feel more connected and feel my love deepen after sex (and for days after). Different men want sex at different rates.

Still though, love for your wife... that's independent of how much sex you get (or should be). My wife and I struggled with sexual issues for 15 years, but my wife knows I love her.

Now the love you feel from your wife, yes that can be impacted by sex. For me there is the love I know to exist in my head from what I see, hear and observe (that part knows my wife always loves me). Then there's my heart, and when I've not had sex in a long while I feel empty there. My heart doesn't feel loved.
 
#5 ·
He has been like this since the begining and I have tried extremely hard to be in the same mindset as he is but I'm now starting to realize that I'm worth more. And the thought of my daughter seeing it and feeling what's going on makes me sick. I have talked in circles trying to explain that he's made me feel like a sex object. But he just says that he's not willing to give them up because that's what makes him feel loved.
 
#6 ·
So he wants oral sex a lot. How much attention does he give you during sex? Or is it all about him?

I agree with the others... BJ's are not the only kind of sex that makes a man feel loved by his wife. Your husband preferres oral sex to other kinds of intimacy... probably because it feels very good AND because he can put minimal effort into it.

You are being mistreated. Filing for divorce might be your best bet.
 
#8 ·
I haven't always hated giving oral. I used to feel proud and happy to do it but because I feel like I'm forced to do it I would be happy to never do it again.

During sex he will try to please me but I'm feel totally shut off to him. Any kind of touching or affection from him is sexual. He'll come to bed at 3am and rub me to say goodnight, and if I don't spread my legs then he shoves them apart so that he can put his hand there.
 
#9 ·
Saying that bjs are what make him feel loved just sounds like something a sleazy guy would say to get one in a bad movie. He has no respect for you or your daughter. If you've tried talking to him about it and he dismissed your argument, I'd say get out. He's proving that he doesn't care about your emotions and so you should not worry about his.
 
#12 ·
He's forcing his way with you against your will. I'd strongly consider getting a separation from him right away. Let it shake him up and see if he changes his attitude pronto.

He had best have a big change of heart and woo you back if you want him back. I agree with Complexity, setup some boundaries if you do let him back.

Do you have family or friends you could stay with?
 
#14 ·
I have sort of started to make a plan to get out by moving back in with my parents. He has had multiple opportunities in the past to have a 'wake up call'. Before we had our daughter, in 2008 I moved out for 6 months and he started going to councelling and then we went together. We moved to MI together after he joined the CG and he did make some great changes but is now falling back into those old abusive behaviors.
 
#15 ·
I feel more connected to my H during and after sex and he agrees that it is the same for him. But the truth is sex and sexual acts are not the only way for a man to feel loved! (what a blanket statement)

To put his gratification above your comfort and willingness is just wrong and it is worse for him to call you names in order to punish you for not giving him his way. And to do so in front of a child is wrong. He is being a selfish man and it sounds like he has issues.

Men feel loved much the same as everyone else. They too need the acceptances, respect, reassurance, and so forth like we all do. The feel love through other means then just their penis. That statement is just a bunch of bull and a blanket one.

I think his behavior and treatment of you (esp. in front of children) is horrible and grounds to file for a D (I rarely ever recommend D to anyone). I am sure that there are other options IC MC, that you could try before getting a D. He needs IC imo.
 
#16 ·
He is being abusive. If you choose to stay with him:
1. expect it to only get worse and
2. expect your daughter to learn that this is how a man is supposed to treat a woman.

You have low self esteem, otherwise you would not put up with this. I know because I am much like you in this respect. Go see a counselor and find out that what he is doing is not okay, normal, or healthy for you or your daughter. You are so young, and so is your daughter. Make a clean break now before you have more kids and he has hammered your self esteem into the floor. Be safe.
 
#18 · (Edited)
No, blow jobs are not the only way to show a man love. He has you snowed. a husband, who calls the mother of his child names in front of said child because of a bj - is that love???

I have to say that you are as have control of this dynamicis. When he behaves badly and curses, do you reward hom with a bj? If you do then you created a monster.

Please don't respond to his curses by rewarding him. Leave the room but don't give him a bj.

If it had anything to do with love he would be loving. Loving sex is mutual pleasure not one person servicing another. If he loves you only when you give him bj then he does not love or care about you.

Do you feel that you have exhausted all avenues to get him to wake up before he loses his family? If so then the best thing may be to separate and divorce.

At any rate, Put a temporary moratorium on bj and tell him he is about to lose his family if he does not get his priorities strait. If you feel he will force you then you will need to leave for your safety.
 
#19 ·
Call the sherriff's office and ask for community resources number for women's shelter. Not that you need to go there, but they can talk with you and let you know that what he is doing is harmful to you and your child, even if he is not doing it to her. She is listening and watching. You may not believe it, but you are worth so much more than this. Be strong. You can do it.
 
#20 ·
If this guy is active duty Coast Guard, he's got a Master Chief at his unit. He has a chaplain. There will be other resources on base. In short, the military has a million ways to get his attention should he ever lay an abusive hand on you. I'm sure the CG has posts in the Arctic for folks who need a little personal reflection time.
 
#23 ·
Personally i feel more connected with my wife when we make love once or twice a week. If lifes too busy and hectic because we have a 2 year old son, my wife works full time and travels almost 3hrs a day to and from work and i am a sahd because i was disabled from a back injury and had 4 surgeries in less than 2 years and we dont make love once or twice a week, then i do feel disconnected, empty, and feel bummed. Having said that, the way to get your wife to want and enjoy participating in making that time to be intimate a priority is not to put her down and verbally abuse her in front of your child no less. I try extra hard to do the things she needs such as be supportive to her, tell her how beautiful she is and how much i love and appreciate her and ask if theres anything she needs that i can help her with and then just listen to her. Also, a bj wouldnt give me the same satisfaction as giving her oral and making sure she has her orgasms first does. Does he ever give you oral to orgasm before sex or before his bj? This guy is an immature ********* who needs to either change or you need to leave.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#24 · (Edited)
Hi

I have a husband like yours and we are now getting divorced. I have two young kids.

He was verbally abusive to me when any of his needs weren't being met. Not just sex (but that was a big thing) but also if he was having a bad day at work, if someone else had annoyed him, if his dinner wasn't cooked right or what he wanted - you get the picture. If you take a closer look at your guy you will probably find the same.

It isn't about love, this is about CONTROL, him being selfish and getting his needs met. He has planted the mindset in you that if you don't give him what he wants, he is going to treat you, and your daughter very badly.

Don't ever forget that verbal abuse wears away at your soul. I still hear all the names, all the put downs and threats from my husband that he gave me over the years. You do not deserve this.

I spent ten years trying to help my husband 'understand' why his actions were so hurtful and so detrimental to our relationship. I was wrong to do this. Not only was I trying to get him see something that he didn't want to, I also wasted a lot of precious energy and time.

I used to think my husband can change. He gave me lots of apologies and promises to. I don't believe he will ever change now. My advice to you would be to firstly separate. Then, your husband needs to get into an abuser program, that lasts at least 6 months. I doubt if he will though, he doesn't think there is anything wrong with his behaviour does he? Separate but don't do this with the hope that you will make him see the light. Separate because that is the right thing to do for you and your daughter, so you don't have to be abused and she doesn't think that this is normal behaviour. It isn't.

Run for the hills and take your precious daughter with you. Life is so much more peaceful for me now without all the pressure of having to live by someone else's selfish rules and living under a tyranny all the time. It could be for you as well.

I wish you all the best.

Jen

PS - some great sites out there on verbal abuse - google 'our place verbal abuse' and 'drirene.com'.
 
#32 ·
Run for the hills and take your precious daughter with you. Life is so much more peaceful for me now without all the pressure of having to live by someone else's selfish rules and living under a tyranny all the time. It could be for you as well.

I wish you all the best.

Jen

PS - some great sites out there on verbal abuse - google 'our place verbal abuse' and 'drirene.com'.
I think it is a big leap to jump from "my husband wouldn't change" to telling another poster to "run for the hills." It may be where she ends up, but I don't see enough information to go there, yet.

Anon1987 - You and your husband have boundary problems. Your boundaries are not where they should be and/or your husband doesn't respect them. It takes two to tango.

1. Has he ever been violent or do you think there is a reasonable chance that he could get violent? If yes, leave and get help.

2. If no, then you need to sit down with him:

You: "I will not allow you to call me names or be disrespectful ever again. If you do, and I don't care how mad you get or even if I am the cause of the anger, I will leave you and take our daughter with me."

You: "I understand that it makes you feel like I love you when I give you BJ's. Right now, this marriage is in crisis mode and I will not be giving BJ's or having sex with you until further notice."

You: "We need therapy immediately if we want to save our marriage."

Good luck.
 
#27 ·
HELL NO!!! Sex is supposed to be consensual, not forced. And to answer your question not all men are like this. My husband has never asked me for a BJ ever (though he does get them).

I'm sorry to say but your husband sounds like a little child throwing a tantrum when he doesn't get his way. Please dont do anything you dont want to do. If he wants a BJ show him by your actions that calling you out of your name is not what is going to get him a BJ. Since he wants to be a child show him that calling you out of your name can get him put in the corner!!!!
 
#31 ·
I think on love as two things. First there’s the love we feel inside of us for the person we are in love with and married to. So love is a feeling, emotions.

But the person we are in love with wont actually feel loved unless we express our love to them. So love is both feelings and expressions of those feelings.


We express our feelings of love in many different ways. For example by being the provider of a home, paying the bills, loving the home by maintaining and decorating it, by giving gifts, through hugs and cuddles, by cooking food and cleaning the home. There are endless ways in which we express love to one another.


If your H only ever feels love through a bj then everything else you do for him is more or less a waste of your time and effort.

The thing is I can’t see how you or anyone else can get him to “see the light”. In fact I think the only thing that will make him change starting by taking a good long and hard look at himself is if you were to leave him. Then because you were no longer expressing your love he may well miss the things you do for him other than the bjs.

But from what you say I actually think your husband is a pig and is best left alone.

Still if you want to try and get him to see the light then just withdraw every single thing you do for him, cooking, washing his clothes, everything. This is called The 180, it’s an about turn designed to demonstrate to your husband what it would be like living without you without actually separating plus to protect yourself from any further abuse.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top