Thanks for understanding the tone of what I was trying to convey. When I was referring to male vs. female response to opportunities, I was really referring to what I think are cultural assumptions we make, and not the specific examples in this thread. In general, men and women will accept that a woman will have opportunities (literal definition) for cheating, but most of these women actively work to avoid conveying intent. We see women as the pursued ones, but not so much men. I think the way this can creep into our responses here can sometimes creep into the assumptions people hold in unhappy marriages. I don't want to name names, but I'm always so impressed with one member here who saw the positive traits of her "nice guy" husband, and actively chose to treat him like the rare man of integrity he is. Not that I have the answer, but I suspect that many of us, men and women, do not really treat a person like we can theoretically lose them, and I just wonder if some part of this is due to bias that we take for granted.
you are always so well-spoken and logical that I couldn't argue if I wanted to...which I don't. you make a good point about women (some ) actively working to avoid conveying intent..and I see why men would want it known that they do the same. I am a relative newcomer here but have to say I'm reallllly confused how being a "nice" guy is considered a negative trait . Anyway, I don't want to change topics so will try to figure it out on my own, but thanks for your responses.
Still, it's apparent that others..."some", feel that their wife should daily be thanking her lucky stars that her man, despite being God's gift to the women of the world, is faithful to her.
It's funny you should say this. When I was young, I didn't realize that I could do anything else but hope/pray/wish that my man remained faithful. Then, I thought that men held all the cards. That belief caused me a lot of grief over the years!
It's old fashioned thinking that a wife should be grateful that her man isn't out having affairs. Think of it...years ago, this was perhaps not accepted behaviour, but expected?
My great grandfather took a mistress in the early 1920's because his wife as told by her doctor that she could bear no more children. My grandfather was the product of the affair. Everybody knew about it. What was the wife to do?
... we weren't talking about "regretting" their decision though.
Nobody said it explicitly, but regret is implicit in expressions like 'missed opportunity' or opportunity as a 'positive' which are some of the things that have been said on this thread. Those qualifiers connote something 'good' that has passed you by which you didn't take advantage of.
That touches a nerve. Even for a man, 'Opportunity' can be very unpleasant and awkward and make you feel 'dirty' like you somehow asked for it or encouraged it.
Nobody said it explicitly, but regret is implicit in expressions like 'missed opportunity' or opportunity as a 'positive' which are some of the things that have been said on this thread. Those qualifiers connote something 'good' that has passed you by which you didn't take advantage of.
That touches a nerve. Even for a man, 'Opportunity' can be very unpleasant and awkward and make you feel 'dirty' like you somehow asked for it or encouraged it.
I cqn't speak for anyone else but my use of the word "opportunity" in this thread was quite sarcastic.
FYI In case the sarcasm was mistaken. Posted via Mobile Device
Well sure... but let's not let actual real history interfere with a good bit of self-righteous indignation, OK? Look at it this way, you're providing some good sport for the self-righteous. Think of it as a good deed. For myself, I just look at my actual life and remember that it's easy to be gracious from the winner's podium.
Some sure have a good imagination, may be good novelists with the ability they have to create total fiction out of so little.
Church... really is that a big pickup spot? If so, I'd say you're only reason for being there is not religion... again you're explicitly looking for it. I've gone to church all my life, and in that time only heard of one affair (albeit it was a youth pastor and his secretary so I'd file that more under "work" rather than "church").
I knew a guy whose wife cheated with not one but TWO married deacons at their church. I imagine church is a dangerous place because you have a lot of social contact and it can feel "safe" since it is, after all, church, and once the closeness is established between the parties it gets easier to cross the lines.
I knew a guy whose wife cheated with not one but TWO married deacons at their church. I imagine church is a dangerous place because you have a lot of social contact and it can feel "safe" since it is, after all, church, and once the closeness is established between the parties it gets easier to cross the lines.
IDK, I've been to church most of my life, and I can recall only twice that folks committed adultery (I said one before, recalled a second the other day).
One was a youth pastor with his secretary (cliche isn't it). That's almost more like a work situation than anything though.
The other was a choir directory (huge church) with one of the singers.
There may very well have been others, but in my experience not very common.
Who knows maybe it's rampant and I'm just clueless (ignorance is bliss lol).
I am friendly and outgoing, so I connect well with people, even those I don't know. It is hard to draw a line between this, and being flirtatious, so I've had situations where women have come on to me.
I find it relatively easy to avoid allowing this to ever go beyond that:
No matter what I am doing, I always think to myself "How would I act if my wife was sitting here with me?" and that really helps out a lot. If there is anything that seems even remotely questionable, I refrain from doing it. I will bring up my wife in conversations with other women if it appears they are not getting the hint. If this doesn't work, I will extract myself and leave. It isn't that I don't trust myself, it just makes me uncomfortable to be in a situation where someone is hitting on me repeatedly.
So, yes, send me some of your hair so I can clone you. She is very lucky and I hope she knows it. I think a unwaveringly faithful man is tremendously sexy, and I would never hit on a married man (long as I knew he was married,) but I would sure envy his wife.
Thanks for understanding the tone of what I was trying to convey. When I was referring to male vs. female response to opportunities, I was really referring to what I think are cultural assumptions we make, and not the specific examples in this thread. In general, men and women will accept that a woman will have opportunities (literal definition) for cheating, but most of these women actively work to avoid conveying intent. We see women as the pursued ones, but not so much men. I think the way this can creep into our responses here can sometimes creep into the assumptions people hold in unhappy marriages. I don't want to name names, but I'm always so impressed with one member here who saw the positive traits of her "nice guy" husband, and actively chose to treat him like the rare man of integrity he is. Not that I have the answer, but I suspect that many of us, men and women, do not really treat a person like we can theoretically lose them, and I just wonder if some part of this is due to bias that we take for granted.
Guilty as charged. I don't know how long my H was cheating on me, but I know that when I met him, I was a lot nicer to him, and I do think I took him for granted because I didn't think I could lose him. But then again, there were a lot of other things going on too. This has definitely crossed my mind often, though, and there is a reason for that. :-/
To me, the saddest part of many of the relationships where it begins to settle into a virtually sexless relationship, not at all like it was before marriage, is what it says about how the spouse views the one with unmet needs. (Halien)
To be fair to me, my needs for emotional intimacy began to be ignored from day one of our marriage. I think one of the "assumptions" is that men's need for sex trumps women's need for intimacy. At least, that is what my limited experience of the world has shown me in my relationships and those of my friends.
77Likes
Re: Opportunity for cheating men 
you make a good point about women (some 
) actively working to avoid conveying intent..and I see why men would want it known that they do the same. I am a relative newcomer here but have to say I'm reallllly confused how being a "nice" guy is considered a negative trait 
. Anyway, I don't want to change topics so will try to figure it out on my own, but thanks for your responses.
