so much really is in the perception of the receiver. Tall Average Guy had a woman make small talk with him at a park, and he thought she was wondering if he was available..and she very well may have been doing that...but another man with lower self esteem may have never considered that the woman was talking for any other reason then she likes to chat. I have a friend who thinks every time a man initiates conversation with her, he is doing it because he really finds her hot. A guy could be driving down the street, lost, and stop to ask her directions because she is the only human being he's seen for 100 miles....and in her mind, he is "hitting on her".
The opportunities I have had are almost exclusively through work and business connections. What I define as an "opportunity" is a woman who is persistently flirting and or suggesting social interactions with just the two of us outside of work. And no I don't consider myself a hot stud.
Outside of work, there is no chance that I would interrupt a fellow stranger following their own monotony of everyday life with chit chat at the grocery store or gym.
Also in non-work interactions there isn't the same level of intensity and innocent repetition so when those opportunities arise I have to assume they are actively sought out.
Even with a good marriage it isn't hard to imagine working closely with a female colleague on something where you otherwise share a lot in common and it involves long hours and the right mix of adrenaline and stress. For me an opportunity did arise without seeking it out and even when my unavailability was made clear.
Browncoat if there are really so few opportunities how is it there is so much cheating going on?
I don't disagree for a second that cheating is happening all over the place... that's a fact.
Bottom line is I have this theory that really a guy has to seek an affair for it to happen. That there aren't all these opportunities opening up right left and center purely by accident/happenstance... though perhaps I'm wrong (hence the thread).
so much really is in the perception of the receiver. Tall Average Guy had a woman make small talk with him at a park, and he thought she was wondering if he was available..and she very well may have been doing that...but another man with lower self esteem may have never considered that the woman was talking for any other reason then she likes to chat. I have a friend who thinks every time a man initiates conversation with her, he is doing it because he really finds her hot. A guy could be driving down the street, lost, and stop to ask her directions because she is the only human being he's seen for 100 miles....and in her mind, he is "hitting on her".
Yeah I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of these "opportunities" folks talk about might be partly their own perception.
Still I can't discount all this talk about folks giving each other "a look". I'll just have to keep my radar up and see for myself if it's happening between others around me (not at all interested in trying to send out any vibe myself).
This is what my friend said. She said since she's been separated she's studied men. She said she can pick out a happily married COMMITTED man in a nanosecond. They don't give her a second glance and she's a head turner.
Bottom line is they are accessible and since she's single yes she had that vibe.
I've always felt like you have to go a little deeper than just that vibe people give off. To me, what you are describing is more like projection/feedback awareness that some people give off. Some guys will see this in a woman and assume that she is coming on to them, when they are not. Its like they are constantly checking others to see if they are aware of them, and nothing more. Sometimes, it can look like blatant flirting.
I'm no expert, but I would say that what your friend is noticing is that this guy is noticing her. We tend to bury this behavior while in committed relationships, but really expressive people sometimes don't. Also, to your point, people who are looking for something outside their relationship also do this. Insecure people do this alot. They seem to need that non-verbal confirmation from others.
I think you could put this into two different catagories:
1. Boundary slipping: Slow burn office romance, where man and woman both start to share too much and develop feelings over time, resulting in an affair.
2. Sex seeking: Opportunistic. Man is sending and receiving signals and pursuing opportunity.
I agree it's almost never overt: I'm pretty clueless about these things and exist far more in my head then I do in the outside world, and I can think of several times I've received subtle "inquiries" by women. It wasn't overt, and at the time I'm not sure I even acknowledged it to myself, but I'm sure if I'd been willing to pursue it, I could have turned it into an opportunity. I find my default, without thinking, is to back off and shut it down.
For example, someone's wife at a party starts to diss her husband to you and share too much about their relationship. It's an invitation, albeit subtle. The right thing to do is change the subject or move on to another conversation. The opportunist would see it as an invitation to egg her on and get in with that woman.
I bolded a portion of this to point something out: If you do not communicate your feelings to your spouse you are just as responsible for your own misery as your spouse is for your perception of the situation.
Couldn't agree with you more I am hardly one who lacks communication. My husband, however, did suffer silently ... he was too passive for many years in our marraige over wanting more sex. I thought he had a lower drive, he thought I did !! That is how bad we missed each other ...over me being repressed and him being too passive...he had some of those "bad" nice guy traits spoken of in "No More Mr Nice Guy".... love him anyway...
BUT .... I told him if he ever does that again to me, not speaking up, I am going to put his balls in a vise.
He just laughs, but really... Honest heartfelt vulnerable Communication is.... E V E R Y T H I N G ...in a healthy marraige. If you can't get on the same page (even after some counseling)...still not happy... miserable.... depressed....lonely...... I'm for divorce.
so much really is in the perception of the receiver. Tall Average Guy had a woman make small talk with him at a park, and he thought she was wondering if he was available..and she very well may have been doing that...but another man with lower self esteem may have never considered that the woman was talking for any other reason then she likes to chat. I have a friend who thinks every time a man initiates conversation with her, he is doing it because he really finds her hot. A guy could be driving down the street, lost, and stop to ask her directions because she is the only human being he's seen for 100 miles....and in her mind, he is "hitting on her".
I suppose that is possible. I don't think it is, in large part because I rarely think I get hit on. My wife has even commented to me that I am pretty clueless about women flirting with me. In one of the examples I gave above, I mentioned during the natural course of the conversation that my wife was going to pick my son and I up from the park. Within three minutes, she had ended the conversation with me and started up a different one with another woman there at the park.
Regardless, my point is that there are a lot of these sorts of interactions that are openings to see what might be there. Even if you are wrong 95% of the time, that still leaves lots of opportunites if you are so inclined.
I used to get my coffee at the same gas station every morning. Would always make small talk with the cashier, until one day she asked me out. Wasn't as if I was looking for anything but I am just a friendly person, with no issues talking to people. I get my coffee from a differnt gas station now. Although it did feel pretty good to know I still had it.
And they flirt, they linger, they flirt more, their comments get more and more suggestive, and they proposition.
The guys who say they have opportunities to cheat are guys who are on the lookout for them. If a person isn't looking to test drive a new car, they don't pay special attention to car ads.
The guys who are not remotely thinking about cheating, also don't create that kind of environment around them. They don't linger, they don't flirt, they don't make suggestive comments, and they don't look for chances to be alone with a woman they are attracted to.
I also believe men THINK they have more "opportunities" to cheat than they really do. Just because a woman is politely listening or is "stuck" listening (because she has to participate in those lunches and events or work projects and wants to keep the relationships smooth enough to not create waves with her job), doesn't mean she would hop into bed with the guy.
And they flirt, they linger, they flirt more, their comments get more and more suggestive, and they proposition.
The guys who say they have opportunities to cheat are guys who are on the lookout for them. If a person isn't looking to test drive a new car, they don't pay special attention to car ads.
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Not true in my experience at least.
Is it simply inconceivable to you that there are women who intentionally try to pick up or flirt with married men?
Being invited out the drinks by a coworker after already working late is an opportunity. Consistently having conversations turned towards the personal notwithstanding consistent attempts to put it back on the professional is likely an opportunity.
Sometimes you don't have to looking to be looking at ads to have a sales rep show up at the door.
Normal interactions, such as at church, the grocery store, or the park with your kids are not opportunities to cheat.
Being out of town on business without your partner, letting boundaries with the opposite sex slacken, adding alcohol thereby lowering inhibitions; of course, due to distance, this goes undetected by your spouse...that is an opportunity to cheat.
And they flirt, they linger, they flirt more, their comments get more and more suggestive, and they proposition.
The guys who say they have opportunities to cheat are guys who are on the lookout for them. If a person isn't looking to test drive a new car, they don't pay special attention to car ads.
The guys who are not remotely thinking about cheating, also don't create that kind of environment around them. They don't linger, they don't flirt, they don't make suggestive comments, and they don't look for chances to be alone with a woman they are attracted to.
I also believe men THINK they have more "opportunities" to cheat than they really do. Just because a woman is politely listening or is "stuck" listening (because she has to participate in those lunches and events or work projects and wants to keep the relationships smooth enough to not create waves with her job), doesn't mean she would hop into bed with the guy.
Using the logic behind this demeaning view of men, would you also then agree that we can say that any woman who receives a sexual suggestion from a man, or has been subject to flirting by a man, is on the prowl for an affair? Or are women superior in this regard?
I'm saddened to see how many people assume that a man is a cheating prowler, or sending suspicious vibes, if someone else crosses their boundaries. Or maybe we're just supposed to infer that women never initiate inappropriate behavior?
Using the logic behind this demeaning view of men, would you also then agree that we can say that any woman who receives a sexual suggestion from a man, or has been subject to flirting by a man, is on the prowl for an affair? Or are women superior in this regard?
It works both ways, not only specific to men. Women also cheat and they do those same things (flirting lingering, propositioning). And, of course, there are single women willing to be with men who are married so they also participate in the game.
However, the OP asked about men who say they have "opportunities" to cheat and where that would happen. That is what I was addressing, in my experience working with many men in the consulting and software industries.
And, of course, there are single women willing to be with men who are married so they also participate in the game.
However, the OP asked about men who say they have "opportunities" to cheat and where that would happen. That is what I was addressing, in my experience working with many men in the consulting and software industries.
You say there are women who are "willing to participate" but in order for your assertion to be true that these "opportunities" never happen unless the man is looking you have to be saying the women never initiate or it simply not true.
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Re: Opportunity for cheating men 
I am hardly one who lacks communication. My husband, however, did suffer silently ... he was too passive for many years in our marraige over wanting more sex. I thought he had a lower drive, he thought I did !! That is how bad we missed each other ...over me being repressed and him being too passive...he had some of those "bad" nice guy traits spoken of in "No More Mr Nice Guy".... love him anyway... 
