I dont think most men cheat. I dont think that at all. I was saying that I get upset when I see posts I dont cheat but I could and that those people think they should get a metal for not doing it. My post about bills and jail was that no body gets a metal for taking care of that same as no body should feel special because they dont cheat. I dont come out well as English is not my first language. Do you under stand me?
Your English is fine. I don't think I should get a medal for refraining from doing what I promised to my wife when I said "I do". I do think that every man is capable of infidelity. We read it in the papers about preachers committing adultery, or that whole weird Tiger Woods thing (and from the outside you'd think he'd be a happy man).
Should those who stay faithful be rewarded... well in a way yes: with an intact marriage. I know I feel rewarded!
I dont think most men cheat. I dont think that at all. I was saying that I get upset when I see posts I dont cheat but I could and that those people think they should get a metal for not doing it. My post about bills and jail was that no body gets a metal for taking care of that same as no body should feel special because they dont cheat. I dont come out well as English is not my first language. Do you under stand me?
Then I just wish to make it clear that in no way do I feel we husbands need a medal for not cheating. Certainly not I. I cherish my wife. I have not been perfect.
Cheating is an incredibly selfish and hurtful thing for anyone to do. I feel most married men are not cheaters. I hope I am right about that.
In looking for common ground, I think we both can agree that my wife deserves a medal for putting up with me at all.
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Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Then I just wish to make it clear that in no way do I feel we husbands need a medal for not cheating. Certainly not I. I cherish my wife. I have not been perfect.
Cheating is an incredibly selfish and hurtful thing for anyone to do. I feel most married men are not cheaters. I hope I am right about that.
In looking for common ground, I think we both can agree that my wife deserves a medal for putting up with me at all.
I think men are good. I read here and get angry with post like this about how nobel a man is for not cheating. I said in a post that I know 20 married men and only 1 cheated.
I’m very much an Aries in that I like to choose my mate and I like to court her. If a woman chooses and chases me I find it a very big turn off. I think in that I’m quite strange. I like a challenge.
And just like an Aries I’ll provide massive amounts of love, affection, romance, homes, pay all the bills, holidays, cars etc. etc. for the woman I chose as my mate. I had the energy and stamina plus the motivation to do that for over four decades. And my wife was more than good enough to keep a man like me by her side for all that time.
Aries men like me mate for life. We really do. And we do whatever it takes to be of exceptional value to the woman we chose to mate with. We nurse them when they’re ill, help them when they’ve lost a loved one and help them with their mourning. It’s why we are so exceptionally difficult to leave even in the seriously bad times, because we provide so very much!
There are reasons why men like me feel so very hurt and angry when we have been betrayed by the woman we chose as our mate for life and provided so very much for.
Sometimes SA you get me totally and utterly wrong!
Honestly..... I was not putting you down... I was just laughing at the things you said, the way you expressed some of it. I do have a sense of humor (sometimes).
I believe I "get you" ....not downing you a bit, I know you are a very very intense man who was on fire for one woman, whose heart has bled over what happened, you are very heartful and also very sentimental .... and I also understand you love the whole "challenge" thing. You are surely NOT strange.... for an assertive confident male, you are all NORMAL as NORMAL can be. A confident male that is heads over heels in love -that is.
I just wanted to post that I accually find it very SAD to see women hanging all over HOT guys when they have no inkling of a chance, I feel bad for them somehow... and I know the guys think they are pathetic anyways ...which is what I was getting from your post. Those women would be better off looking towards the men who ....would care...who would give them a real chance.
Quote:
MominMayberry said: You cheated in your marriage. Had your friends wives tongues in your mouth on a dance floor in front of husbands your friends, women beating down your door and say you were power less then say your wife betrayed you? You sound like a cad. You met a good woman who put up with your bawdy behavior
I don't know about the cheating part... if he did, ya know, none of us are perfect and I would hope people here would not sugar coat their past mistakes anyway. I wouldn't judge. I am sure he learned from it ...if he did do such a thing.
I am near positive the "tongues in the mouth" is a grave exaggeration... I would hope , it is kinda why I was laughing so much & had to respond.
I also know AFEH doesn't care for when a woman tries to defend him either..as he wants to do that himself. I might get backlash for this.
I terribly Respect you AFEH, even if I am the exact opposite of the type of lady you would ever go after.... I do so appreciate your intelligence & deep contributions to this forum. Always !
I dont think most men cheat. I dont think that at all. I was saying that I get upset when I see posts I dont cheat but I could and that those people think they should get a metal for not doing it. My post about bills and jail was that no body gets a metal for taking care of that same as no body should feel special because they dont cheat. I dont come out well as English is not my first language. Do you under stand me?
if a wife dosn't hold her end of the marriage ie.. sex then yes I do feel the husband who kept his end not cheating dose deserve something and he has it its called good morals.
if the women feels emotional neglect then she should speek up my wife has never said I neglected her in that way.
if the women did speak up and no effort or little effort was put into meeting her needs well thats a different story.
if a wife dosn't hold her end of the marriage ie.. sex then yes I do feel the husband who kept his end not cheating dose deserve something and he has it its called good morals.
if the women feels emotional neglect then she should speek up my wife has never said I neglected her in that way.
if the women did speak up and no effort or little effort was put into meeting her needs well thats a different story.
If we are talking near sexless marraiges, where the wife is a cold rejector.... Personally I think the husband is either a Saint for staying & remaining faithful to her...just shows how much he loves his kids over himself ....or a fool. And I don't like to call these men fools ...I only mean in the sense that they continue lavishing so much love on a woman who doesnt seem to care about their needs.
All’s ok SimplyA. Just that sometimes I feel a strong need to put the record straight. You know, write a lot because as sure as heck there are some that take things in strange ways.
I’ve the perspective of a man getting towards half a century with the same woman and all the experiences that brings with it. It annoys me when someone takes things out of context (not you) and pre judges me. For example with affairs. Sure I had an affair early on in my marriage. But then so did my wife. Towards the end she got very close to a supposed mate of mine.
I guess some marriages are all fairytales and plain sailing without any storms in them at all. My wasn’t. But the good times far outweighed the bad and I don’t reckon anyone can ask for more than that.
Many thanks for standing the ground for me. It is really appreciated.
It annoys me when someone takes things out of context (not you) and pre judges me.
I feel the same, on differnt issues of course...most especially morality and how I raise my kids. Possibly how I express myself here, or whatever.. but I HATE / DESPISE to be misunderstood (that's why my posts are so darn long winded). So in this... I truly "get you"...
Nice to hear I wasn't a "wet nurse " this time around ... ha ha
I often when I see these exchanges with you adding this >>> A little conflict with never bother someone like me -so long as people keep talking , it's all very very gooooood !
I feel when a good person cheats, and Yes.... I feel GOOD People can fall into something (many many say ...Oh it can never happen to me..then when it does, they eat those words).....it is born out of lonliness, a cold rejecting spouse at home, where they are dying inside....they feel unloved, worthless even, another is friendly to them, someone shows they care....we all have emotions and a sex drive... one thing does lead to another.... we are only human....
When you find yourself in the desert in your own home....months , years at a time...water starts looking pretty damn good outside your doors. But yeah, better to leave those spouses! I am not the cheater type.. but I do not feel I am above falling into something if my husband made me feel like dirt everyday, rejected me continously ,If I was bordering depression over feeling I was worthless... No, that temptation might be too damn much to bare. But I know me.. I would cause so much hell over my unhappiness, raising the roof off of the house...he'd know exactly where I was heading. One thing I am .... is honest.
I feel this is an excellent book, an excellent author, though many will be insulted by it's title:
Those cases are rare i still consider that bad. The only times i do not is if someone is truly forced into a marriage or has no rights. Some people in other countries have no rights in marriage its women almost always its not uncommon for some to run away from unhappy marriage they cant file for divorce so technically they are cheating but that is justified if you are a prisoner.
In the US you can divorce however i have no idea what it would feel like to be abused, treated like dirt, and harassed and rejected and to feel alone in a marriage. That must feel awful
I’ve the perspective of a man getting towards half a century with the same woman and all the experiences that brings with it.
Well sure... but let's not let actual real history interfere with a good bit of self-righteous indignation, OK? Look at it this way, you're providing some good sport for the self-righteous. Think of it as a good deed. For myself, I just look at my actual life and remember that it's easy to be gracious from the winner's podium.
I feel like there is an unspoken sentiment among some men around here which is that it is so much harder for them to remain faithful and that we should be bowing down at their feet and kissing the ground that they walk on for doing so. It's BS.
It might ruffle some feathers to say so, but this is not my intent when I talk about this subject.
I've seen several posts making fun of men who say they have had opportunities to cheat. I believe that you also see a pervasive bias in many marriages where a woman will view her own relationship-security very differently than what she sees in her husband, especially in the situations where one partner is left with unmet sexual needs.
In some replies, I think unintentional gender bias leads them to interpret the man's comment about opportunities to cheat in a way that is completely different than what he was intending. If a man makes a comment on this site about such opportunities, and how it is a deliberate attempt to be faithful, a woman might interpret this as him suggesting that his wife should pat his back for being faithful, while a man understands what he is trying to say. Sure, it sounds comical if you have some default assumptions about men. But why can't a guy say that he is passionate about staying faithful to his wife? Really, are all men so inherently unnattractive that these comments have to be interpreted in a way that he may not intend? He recognizes that there are opportunities out there, but he chooses her every day of his life. To him, it can be meant as a way to let the community here know that he doesn't stay faithful just because he is too lazy to cheat, but that fidelity is an active state of mind in his life. But lets be real ... the default reaction to this comment about "opportunity" would not be the same if the person posting was a woman.
To me, the saddest part of many of the relationships where it begins to settle into a virtually sexless relationship, not at all like it was before marriage, is what it says about how the spouse views the one with unmet needs. Its not as simplistic as calling the guy a Nice Guy. To put it simply, we work to bring happiness to those we really value, and we even push the edge of our comfort zone if we perceive even a likelihood of losing them. Life isn't a fiction novel, where a happy marriage just happens. If we actively value someone, a component of that recipe is actively verifying that the bond between you and them is secure. If the spouse's built-in assumptions about your willingness to break that bond maintains that security, then why is there a need to move beyond the comfort zone? Not saying that you use threats to keep each other working. If a person really senses an inner confidence to never settle, the same confidence that they feel within themself, you're both in a situation to grow closer.
Halien, I agree with you on many points, and I do think that many of the men here shared their stories of "opportunity" for just the reason you stated.
Still, it's apparent that others..."some", feel that their wife should daily be thanking her lucky stars that her man, despite being God's gift to the women of the world, is faithful to her.
as far as the "default reaction"...if a woman posted something similar to.. "women arrange parties to make opportunities for sex with me" ... I'd have the same response.
In all honesty though, I think the majority of men here are good guys and well-intentioned...
In some replies, I think unintentional gender bias leads them to interpret the man's comment about opportunities to cheat in a way that is completely different than what he was intending.
Yes. In some ways, it's similar to the Devil's wager. The Lord asks the Devil,
"Have you considered my servant Job? He is blameless and upright"
The Devil counters:
"Is it for nothing that Job is faithful? You've put a hedge about him and blessed the work of his hands."
Similarly, one man might point out that he's been a faithful husband, but another man could counter with, "So what?" What does faithfulness in the absence of temptation really prove?"
So when a man talks about an 'opportunity' to cheat, it's entirely a hypothetical predicated on the condition - If I had wanted to.
It's not an expression of regret. What kind of a low-life regrets the good decisions they've made?
Halien, I agree with you on many points, and I do think that many of the men here shared their stories of "opportunity" for just the reason you stated.
Still, it's apparent that others..."some", feel that their wife should daily be thanking her lucky stars that her man, despite being God's gift to the women of the world, is faithful to her.
as far as the "default reaction"...if a woman posted something similar to.. "women arrange parties to make opportunities for sex with me" ... I'd have the same response.
In all honesty though, I think the majority of men here are good guys and well-intentioned...
livnlearn,
Thanks for understanding the tone of what I was trying to convey. When I was referring to male vs. female response to opportunities, I was really referring to what I think are cultural assumptions we make, and not the specific examples in this thread. In general, men and women will accept that a woman will have opportunities (literal definition) for cheating, but most of these women actively work to avoid conveying intent. We see women as the pursued ones, but not so much men. I think the way this can creep into our responses here can sometimes creep into the assumptions people hold in unhappy marriages. I don't want to name names, but I'm always so impressed with one member here who saw the positive traits of her "nice guy" husband, and actively chose to treat him like the rare man of integrity he is. Not that I have the answer, but I suspect that many of us, men and women, do not really treat a person like we can theoretically lose them, and I just wonder if some part of this is due to bias that we take for granted.
Yes. In some ways, it's similar to the Devil's wager. The Lord asks the Devil,
"Have you considered my servant Job? He is blameless and upright"
The Devil counters:
"Is it for nothing that Job is faithful? You've put a hedge about him and blessed the work of his hands."
Similarly, one man might point out that he's been a faithful husband, but another man could counter with, "So what?" What does faithfulness in the absence of temptation really prove?"
So when a man talks about an 'opportunity' to cheat, it's entirely a hypothetical predicated on the condition - If I had wanted to.
It's not an expression of regret. What kind of a low-life regrets the good decisions they've made?
good point ... we weren't talking about "regretting" their decision though.
wanted to add..that this "good point" was not said sarcastically...just wanted to correct if there was a misunderstanding.
77Likes
Re: Opportunity for cheating men 
I know I feel rewarded!
often when I see these exchanges with you adding this >>> 
A little conflict with never bother someone like me -so long as people keep talking , it's all very very gooooood !
... I'd have the same response.
... we weren't talking about "regretting" their decision though.
