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Opportunity for cheating men

23K views 190 replies 42 participants last post by  Entropy3000 
#1 ·
So in the thread asking if all men cheat, I noticed a number of folks talk about how they have opportunities to cheat. I guess as a father and a husband I was trying to figure out where this "opportunity" was outside of perhaps work (even then you have to commit to going out alone with someone there, unless you make house calls). Frankly the rest of the time most fathers I don't think have opportunity, unless they are looking to cheat on their wives. Though maybe I live in a bubble so I thought I would ask.

Here are the tasks I typically engage in outside the home (and let's face it most women do go into married men's houses and try and pickup the husband for an affair).

Going shopping (hardware or groceries), I get things hardly talk to anyone. Not like women randomly pickup men there... sorry never seen it or heard of it.

Dropping/Picking up kids at school, which means I sit in my car and inch forward until I get my kids. Zero opportunity to even talk to a woman.

Gym, no one talks or hardly looks at anyone else. I don't see men or women going around hitting on folks there... people just go, work out, and leave.

Church... really is that a big pickup spot? If so, I'd say you're only reason for being there is not religion... again you're explicitly looking for it. I've gone to church all my life, and in that time only heard of one affair (albeit it was a youth pastor and his secretary so I'd file that more under "work" rather than "church").

Rest of the time it's time spent with kids or just around the home... because most Dads have little time for other things.

I could imagine some would mention business trips. I've been on a number, it's not hard to just go back to your hotel after the day is done and get on the phone to your wife. That's what I do... oh unless you are proactively looking for a woman to cheat with.

So again my question is where is this "opportunity" to cheat, unless the father goes looking for women proactively. Just curious (not that I want to cheat just don't understand what the issue is).
 
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#2 ·
For me, at least, I don't differentiate my life into "zones". I meet lots of women all the time just as I pass through life. Some of them like me. Some of those I like in return. The "opportunity" is there pretty much constantly.

I can't recall a time when some woman has actually propositioned me though (ignoring the hooker in the strip club). I have three possible reasons for this:

a) I'm an ugly troll.
b) You can't be around me for more than 5 minutes without hearing about how much I love Carol.
c) It does subtly happen and I just don't notice.

Maybe I'm saved from the ordeal by being an ugly troll? That works for me.
 
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#3 ·
My friend told me there is this code, this look that men give when they are open to an affair. They seek women out to see if that look is returned. It's almost a secret language that is unnoticable to those of us in committed happy marriages.

I didn't believe her so I began to be more aware and to my shock she's right. I saw it. This married man did it to ME.

My husband works very long unpredicatable hours and I'm a homemaker. Plenty of opportunities for either of us to cheat. I've had friends that cheated and it doesn't take as much time as you think it would. Had one female friend meet up with a guy once a week for sex. What did that take? An hour....at the most? For me that's a trip to Wal-mart. LOL
 
#5 ·
let me preface this by saying that this isn't always the case, so if you have been hit on, no need to get defensive, it's probably not you. ;-) however, I think that many people who get hit on, especially when they say they've had lots of opportunities to cheat, send off a certain "accessibility" vibe. I don't mean that they necessarily walk around consciously wanting to cheat, or even wanting to be hit on..but that they are more open and innately flirtatious, or maybe even just the type that likes attention..be it sexual or other. They carry themselves and relate to people in every day situations differently then do the men like you, OP, describe yourself...and through this they send off a message that they MIGHT be willing to cheat...even though this might not be the case.
 
#28 ·
let me preface this by saying that this isn't always the case, so if you have been hit on, no need to get defensive, it's probably not you. ;-) however, I think that many people who get hit on, especially when they say they've had lots of opportunities to cheat, send off a certain "accessibility" vibe.
This is what my friend said. She said since she's been separated she's studied men. She said she can pick out a happily married COMMITTED man in a nanosecond. They don't give her a second glance and she's a head turner.

Bottom line is they are accessible and since she's single yes she had that vibe.
 
#7 ·
That was my thought, it doesn't seem like it's something that happens much otherwise.

Livnlearn, yeah I know in my case I don't give off any "will cheat" vibe. I tend to be quiet around folks I don't know well. Still I've not even known any friends to whom temptation has come knocking. It must be the circle I run in.

I've worked at the same company for over 13 years now, and to my knowledge there's not once been an office affair in my division (because if there was one discovered the employees would likely be let go), which over the years has been fairly sizable (100+ people). Then again it's mostly men.
 
#8 ·
Browncoat - I've read that most affairs start at work and start off as friendships....

I worked in the fitness industry for years and I can assure you there is ALOT of sex going on. Quite often with the personal trainers.... not all of them...I was one for years and never shagged any clients but i know it goes on... and often.
 
#9 ·
another thing I wanted to add..sometimes people THINK they are being hit on, but they are mistaken. When I started my current job, within the first week a man took me aside and asked me if I was interested in "fooling around". I was pretty shocked because I am pretty reserved and definitely don't send off a "might cheat" vibe. I told him "no" and steered clear of him after that. I later found out that the reason he asked me is that he thought I was hitting on him. :scratchhead: He told others, "I've never had anyone ask me so fast if I was married". Now I DID ask him if he was married the first time I talked to him..just like I ask most people upon meeting if they are married, have kids, in school..etc.. just as a basis for starting a conversation. Some people though, hear what they want to hear.:p
 
#10 ·
Work

Work Lunch

Work Events

Work Travel

I do see guys hitting on women all the time at the gym. Some are personal trainers. I have my headphones on and am focused on lifting.

I think if men go out to cheat they either go solo or have a wingman and hit the trendy bars / clubs. This probably depends on the social status of the guy. Maybe Jim Bob goes boot scooten. Idunno.
 
#12 ·
Browncoat- my husband would likely THINK along the same lines as you did in your post, take away the gym and he could care less about church, his opportunities would be as limited as your personal list.

He is a quiet man who generally allows for someone else to start the conversation even. Always the cheerful responder but generally not the Open liner.... A woman would likely have to come on to him to even get him to open his mouth.
 
#13 ·
Yeah he sounds like me now.

Though when I was single I was bold (after my long term college GF and before I met my wife). I used to strike up conversations just walking around campus with any gal who caught my eye (well the ones that would talk back that is, lol). I did what I called one and done dates: take them out for a single date if either of us didn't feel a spark for the other... it's done. Sometimes I got to date 2, but typically it wasn't there and that was fine. Nothing more than a good night kiss if I liked the gal, so if it didn't work out no one felt like they got taken advantage of. I pretty much dated 1-2 gals a week (not overlapping, one would end and I'd ask out another).

But that's kind of my point, you have to go seek it... in my experience women don't ask out guys much at all. Heck I used to look like an NFL safety in college, really in great shape (but not overly muscular)... used to work out for 1-2 hours a day. I could tell if a gal wanted me to ask her out, but they didn't ask you still had to seek them out as the guy.

IDK guess my experience wasn't that vast.
 
#14 ·
I got hit on a lot when i was happy in my marriage. I think people are attracted to the positive energy and find it sexy. I would be flattered, and always told them I was married. If they kept on like they didn't care that I was married, that just pissed me off. I liked being flattered, but I don't like it when someone doesn't respect the ring.
 
#16 · (Edited)
Well seeing how men generally through history approach women its safe to say most men who cheat and will have an affair go looking for the woman. In turn they are met with a woman that is okay with it or in the cases of women cheating they go looking for it. There are plenty of opportunities to cheat basically anytime you are not with your spouse you could if you truly wanted to, however a good amount of them would involve you going to LOOK FOR IT.

Escorts- cost money
Strippers- for extra money
Bars- with easy loose girls
Clubs- look for easy loose girls
Swinger sites, hook up sites- can find someone who wants to bang

^ of course all of those involve the man to actively seek the women of course that is the case in any cheating affair case you have to consent. Other than those id say work or group things are best way's to meet women and strike up friendships which may turn into affair's. Through work you can meet flirt with same women regularly gauge which ones are okay with the married men flirting with them and than go after the ones who are open to your gestures and it can lead to more. Same goes with the gym and personal trainers. I think most men who cheat go looking for it of course i think very very few just happen to stumble upon some woman at work and than she pulls him aside begging for him. I think for men and women when they cheat they go looking for it 9/10 times. I do not believe the "i was hurt and tired and lonely and ____ showed up and i could not control myself")

I still have yet to hear of the man who went out to the bar with some buddies and than 5 hot women surround him and beg to share him in bed. In that case it would be very very hard to turn down such a situation. But how many men does that happen to?
 
#17 ·
Not sure I buy the theory that those hit on are doing something, or giving off vibes that make them get hit on. Instead, I think some people are more aware of body language and other non-verbals. I tend to be very aware of non-verbals, but wouldn't call it "being hit on" just because I sense some lingering glances or some of the other non-verbal cues. My wife will sometimes ask if I'm seeing something "off" between a couple of people, especially since I tried to get her to talk to her sister about her affair with a friend of the family, which seemed obvious to us, but not her husband for a few months.

We frequently entertain friends and try to set up things with people we come to trust as friends. Sometimes, there have been situations where someone has crossed the line, but my wife and I will let each other know that we're getting uncomfortable if someone begins to behave questionably.

We had moved to a new area once, and friends from work asked if I would lead the group in rafting/canoeing down a river across the state, where I grew up. I began to notice that a few of the people were not our types of friends. My wife was intimidated by some of the flirting by one guy, and a woman who always seemed to be neaby while we were floating suddenly got a case of wayward hands. We ended the trip early. There were other times. When my wife and I were struggling in the marriage a couple of years ago, one of her friends stopped by during a day when my wife was at a memorial "just to check up on her", and was pretty direct about telling me that her husband never wanted sex, and "that she was there for me". I told my wife about it. There were others, but I've always felt like my committment to my wife was one of the few things in life that I could consistently give her, and I have.
 
#18 ·
I got hit on a lot. In fact so much so I had T-shirts printed with “Stay Away from Me!” on the front and “Hands Off!” on the back. But that just seemed to encourage them even more.

If you’re good looking and desirable you’re going to get hit on and you’re going to get tempted. I’m sure it happened to my wife more often than it did me.

It’s like everything in life. It’s not what happens to you that makes you who you are. It’s your responses to things that happen to you that makes you who you are.
 
#19 ·
So in the thread asking if all men cheat, I noticed a number of folks talk about how they have opportunities to cheat. I guess as a father and a husband I was trying to figure out where this "opportunity" was outside of perhaps work (even then you have to commit to going out alone with someone there, unless you make house calls). Frankly the rest of the time most fathers I don't think have opportunity, unless they are looking to cheat on their wives. Though maybe I live in a bubble so I thought I would ask.

Here are the tasks I typically engage in outside the home (and let's face it most women do go into married men's houses and try and pickup the husband for an affair).

Going shopping (hardware or groceries), I get things hardly talk to anyone. Not like women randomly pickup men there... sorry never seen it or heard of it.

Dropping/Picking up kids at school, which means I sit in my car and inch forward until I get my kids. Zero opportunity to even talk to a woman.

Gym, no one talks or hardly looks at anyone else. I don't see men or women going around hitting on folks there... people just go, work out, and leave.

Church... really is that a big pickup spot? If so, I'd say you're only reason for being there is not religion... again you're explicitly looking for it. I've gone to church all my life, and in that time only heard of one affair (albeit it was a youth pastor and his secretary so I'd file that more under "work" rather than "church").

Rest of the time it's time spent with kids or just around the home... because most Dads have little time for other things.

I could imagine some would mention business trips. I've been on a number, it's not hard to just go back to your hotel after the day is done and get on the phone to your wife. That's what I do... oh unless you are proactively looking for a woman to cheat with.

So again my question is where is this "opportunity" to cheat, unless the father goes looking for women proactively. Just curious (not that I want to cheat just don't understand what the issue is).
They do??? :lol:
 
#20 ·
So again my question is where is this "opportunity" to cheat, unless the father goes looking for women proactively. Just curious (not that I want to cheat just don't understand what the issue is).
For me it`s mostly work, purveyors, employees, sales people.

I get the "How do you use this machine?" at the gym every so often as well.

Every couple of months or so I get baited by some ex on Facebook

Opportunity abounds.
 
#23 ·
A hound is a hound. If he wants to cheat he will find the opportunity and the time to do so. It doesn't matter how busy he is, it'll happen. President Bill Clinton is the poster boy for it. Probably the busiest man in the word at the time, with nearly every second of his day scheduled and still........

A hound is a hound.
 
#33 ·
I don't disagree for a second that cheating is happening all over the place... that's a fact.

Bottom line is I have this theory that really a guy has to seek an affair for it to happen. That there aren't all these opportunities opening up right left and center purely by accident/happenstance... though perhaps I'm wrong (hence the thread).
 
#26 ·
I am friendly and outgoing, so I connect well with people, even those I don't know. It is hard to draw a line between this, and being flirtatious, so I've had situations where women have come on to me.

I find it relatively easy to avoid allowing this to ever go beyond that:

No matter what I am doing, I always think to myself "How would I act if my wife was sitting here with me?" and that really helps out a lot. If there is anything that seems even remotely questionable, I refrain from doing it. I will bring up my wife in conversations with other women if it appears they are not getting the hint. If this doesn't work, I will extract myself and leave. It isn't that I don't trust myself, it just makes me uncomfortable to be in a situation where someone is hitting on me repeatedly.
 
#30 ·
If by opportunity, you mean seeing a potential opportunity, then yes to all those things you mention and more. A couple that jumped to my mind immediately were while I was with my kids of all things. In both cases, a single woman casually struck up a conversation where our kids were playing together. Nothing overt, but in both cases it seem like more than just commenting on Johnny and Billy playing together. I quickly made sure to mention my wife and how we loved our kids, and both backed off. I have no reason to think it was anything other than checking to see if I was single (one I specifically remember holding stuff so no wedding ring was visible), but who knows? Had I wanted to, it was a potential opportunity to see if more was on the table. In that sense, I see those as opportunities to cheat.
 
#31 ·
so much really is in the perception of the receiver. Tall Average Guy had a woman make small talk with him at a park, and he thought she was wondering if he was available..and she very well may have been doing that...but another man with lower self esteem may have never considered that the woman was talking for any other reason then she likes to chat. I have a friend who thinks every time a man initiates conversation with her, he is doing it because he really finds her hot. A guy could be driving down the street, lost, and stop to ask her directions because she is the only human being he's seen for 100 miles....and in her mind, he is "hitting on her".
 
#34 ·
Yeah I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of these "opportunities" folks talk about might be partly their own perception.

Still I can't discount all this talk about folks giving each other "a look". I'll just have to keep my radar up and see for myself if it's happening between others around me (not at all interested in trying to send out any vibe myself).
 
#32 ·
The opportunities I have had are almost exclusively through work and business connections. What I define as an "opportunity" is a woman who is persistently flirting and or suggesting social interactions with just the two of us outside of work. And no I don't consider myself a hot stud.

Outside of work, there is no chance that I would interrupt a fellow stranger following their own monotony of everyday life with chit chat at the grocery store or gym.

Also in non-work interactions there isn't the same level of intensity and innocent repetition so when those opportunities arise I have to assume they are actively sought out.


Even with a good marriage it isn't hard to imagine working closely with a female colleague on something where you otherwise share a lot in common and it involves long hours and the right mix of adrenaline and stress. For me an opportunity did arise without seeking it out and even when my unavailability was made clear.
 
#36 ·
I think you could put this into two different catagories:

1. Boundary slipping: Slow burn office romance, where man and woman both start to share too much and develop feelings over time, resulting in an affair.

2. Sex seeking: Opportunistic. Man is sending and receiving signals and pursuing opportunity.

I agree it's almost never overt: I'm pretty clueless about these things and exist far more in my head then I do in the outside world, and I can think of several times I've received subtle "inquiries" by women. It wasn't overt, and at the time I'm not sure I even acknowledged it to myself, but I'm sure if I'd been willing to pursue it, I could have turned it into an opportunity. I find my default, without thinking, is to back off and shut it down.

For example, someone's wife at a party starts to diss her husband to you and share too much about their relationship. It's an invitation, albeit subtle. The right thing to do is change the subject or move on to another conversation. The opportunist would see it as an invitation to egg her on and get in with that woman.

Maybe that's just a sign of my moral compass.
 
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#77 ·
I think you could put this into two different catagories:

1. Boundary slipping: Slow burn office romance, where man and woman both start to share too much and develop feelings over time, resulting in an affair.

2. Sex seeking: Opportunistic. Man is sending and receiving signals and pursuing opportunity.

I agree it's almost never overt: I'm pretty clueless about these things and exist far more in my head then I do in the outside world, and I can think of several times I've received subtle "inquiries" by women. It wasn't overt, and at the time I'm not sure I even acknowledged it to myself, but I'm sure if I'd been willing to pursue it, I could have turned it into an opportunity. I find my default, without thinking, is to back off and shut it down.

For example, someone's wife at a party starts to diss her husband to you and share too much about their relationship. It's an invitation, albeit subtle. The right thing to do is change the subject or move on to another conversation. The opportunist would see it as an invitation to egg her on and get in with that woman.

Maybe that's just a sign of my moral compass.
I wonder what the ratio is for #1 vs. #2. I bet it is rather high. Plus most get in deep before they realize they are in trouble.
 
#39 ·
I used to get my coffee at the same gas station every morning. Would always make small talk with the cashier, until one day she asked me out. Wasn't as if I was looking for anything but I am just a friendly person, with no issues talking to people. I get my coffee from a differnt gas station now. Although it did feel pretty good to know I still had it.
 
#42 ·
Normal interactions, such as at church, the grocery store, or the park with your kids are not opportunities to cheat.

Being out of town on business without your partner, letting boundaries with the opposite sex slacken, adding alcohol thereby lowering inhibitions; of course, due to distance, this goes undetected by your spouse...that is an opportunity to cheat.
 
#48 ·
Yep, that's exactly it.

There are some really interesting responses to this thread though. For example seeking sanity's take on boundary slipping, that's one area where I could see opportunity arise almost unexpectedly... an area any married man needs to be very careful with.

Also some cases where men were propositioned by women, though still men have the choice to turn down those advances. Still in a moment of weakness I can see that being a big problem.
 
#47 ·
I have said that and it wasn't intended to be "boasting". It hasn't happened often but I will say that with the exception of one they were "out of the blue".

I am no "stud" and don't believe I put out any type of looking vibe (at least not consciously). Though I am pretty open about sexuality so maybe it is perceived that way. What do I know, I can't even get my own wife to want me??? :(
 
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