thegodbody

Ok... I've been married for 8 years...My wife and I dated for 9 years before I popped the question. I've known the OW for over 15 years and she is everything I love in a woman. Is she just my fantasy or do I love her... Three kids with my wife 7,5,2 very little sex. My wife has told me she is only with me for the kids... I feel the same and have told her that. WE still walk around like we love each other but i find myself wanting to be with the OW.

Help

unbelievable

You don't know anyone until you've lived with them for some time and you frequently don't know them even then. They all seem great at first. That's how they get us to take the cheese. You've got 17 years and 3 kids invested with your wife. OW is a fantasy. Your wife is real. Both women are imperfect and so are you.

EleGirl

Is the OW married? Or was she?

If so what was her marriage like?

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Po12345

You made a commitment when you married your wife. The feeling of being "in love" can seem to come and go for a lot of people. There are times where marriage can seem like a more difficult job than someone can handle but it as those times you must concentrate harder than ever on making things work.

Without knowing more it is hard to make an informed reply beyond that. Do you and your wife communicate well? Do you fight all the time? Any infidelity within the marriage on either side? How much does this friendship you have with the OW take away from the emotional relationship you have with your wife? Are you involved in an emotional affair with the OW? Is the OW pushing you to leave your wife? Is your wife aware of the OW and is that part of why she is saying she is "only in this for the kids"?

Something that was stated above makes a lot of sense... wanting is sometimes much nicer than having. You could possibly end things with your current wife, go to this OW, only to find out in a year that it was the biggest mistake you ever made. There were traits that you and your wife loved about each other at one time. Then things like job and children tend to create a gap between two people, especially with three young ones. Try and find those traits again, and never underestimate how much thinking about someone else can confuse the feelings you have for your spouse. It is impossible to fully love someone if you are splitting your heart up between different people.

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FormerNiceGuy

Likely a fantasy. But, if you cheat (EA or PA) with her or do something else stupid, you will screw that potential relationship up as well. The OW doesn't want to be with a lying, deceitful creep.

Man up my friend. Sit down with the wife calmly and lay out the facts. Sexless & loveless marriage. We can both do better. The kids will survive. Divorce.

Now, if you have the guts to do this right, I am still betting that the grass will not be greener on the other side of the hill. The OW will be perfect until you start sleeping with her. You will eventually realize you married another version of your wife after the lust has died and that your dysfunctions cause you to repeat the same behavior patterns over and over again.

Change shirt, get dirty, wash, repeat cycle.

My recommendations since you asked for help.

1. Conversation with wife. This is broken and we are probably heading for divorce. What about our relationship seems broken - take an inventory on both sides. No fighting, just try to establish the facts of your joint history.

2. Get into individual counseling with the inventory and try to understand your part of the problem. Your wife should do the same.

3. You and your wife should vow to get to the bottom of your own issues and then make a choice about the marriage. I think healthy people can make a difficult choice like this responsibly.

"If you like pina colada's, and get caught in the rain"

CandieGirl

Divorce your wife and marry the OW. That's what you want to hear anyway, right? So go for it.

Mavash.

There is no sex, your wife and you are only together for the kids, you don't love each other....what's the question again?

To me the answer seems simple. Divorce your wife and go be with the OW.

grenville

Oh god, if only (for most people), it were that easy! When I've tried to have that kind of conversation with my wife she actually berates me for being so quiet and reasonable about it. Of course, me getting angry and agitated doesn't work any better for her.

Acorn

I really think the only factual thing that has happened is this other woman has made you aware of the loveless state of your marriage.

Decide if you want to try to fix the marriage, or if you want to be apart from it and see what happens. IMO, neither choice is wrong. You committed to your wife, but if she's openly telling you that she's just there for the kids, I think she's more or less let you off the hook of your commitment.

If you decide to leave, only then is the time to start thinking seriously about the OW.

The only bad choice is to make this a contest between your marriage and the OW without doing the in-between steps. That's really bad news.

thegodbody

Thanks everybody for the feedback...
The facts of the matter are.
1. My wife has forbid me to talk to this OW yet I still make time to be with her and do get aways and lunch, dinner and sex. I met the OW years ago while I was a manager and from day 1 I wanted her. We have been off and on for years... My wife is not aware of the full nature of my past relationship with the OW she just knows that we were friends and I was "once" attracted to her. A few years ago my wife found her number in my phone and I told her that I had been in contact and maintained a friendship. My wife told me to never contact her again and as far as my wife is concerned I haven't spoken to the OW since. The OW and I have done long periods where nothing happens between us but recently our actions have intensified. We've become more brazen. We are planning getaways and meeting in very nice hotels for our encounters, we go to lunch often. My wife of course is not aware of any of this and she would kill me if she found out. But, I have to admit I've never been faithful and now It just seems I'm not happy being married. But, man I love my kids and the thought of not seeing them and being there for them scares the mess out of me. I didn't have a father growing up. sorry for the rant but I need help. BTW i do love my wife.

thegodbody

No, she is not married. She does have a young child around the same age as my 2nd child.

Shaggy

I guess you've got it all covered then? You think your a great dad, oh wait...here is a test, how would you react to a guy like you doing what youdo and married to one of your daughters? Would you be the proud fathering law? I mean like you he would rationalize out for himself on why he wasn't a cheating POS on your daughter. So that would be ok right? Or would you adding hypocrite to your list of personal attributes right after cheater?

You are a special great dad, you are a guy who is doing a despicable hateful thing and patting yourself on the back for being such a carring dad.
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MominMayberry

You say you have never been faith ful and wander why your marriage is bad? Do you see this? You say your wife doesnt want you yet you have cheated your marriage and she found out some of it and you dont care enough to care about your wifes wishes. How do you have a good marriage when you cheat the whole time?

DawnD

be sure to share that little piece of information with your OW when you leave your wife. I am sure women will just be THROWING themselves at a guy who was never faithful in his marriage, yet claims he still LOVES his wife.

Posse

So you show your love by being a liar and a cheat!!?

Reading your posts made me throw up in my mouth.