Ouch--she said she was never physically attracted to you? Sounds like she just wants financial security. I would re-examine my loyalty to a woman like this. Every man's nightmare--to be valued for pay check only.
I am 41 years old and been with my wife for 22 years and married for 15. We have 3 children. She recently told me that she has never been physically attracted to me. We have a marriage where we have sex once a month at best and I am always the person doing the work. She tells me she is in love with me and wants o make the mariage work. When she met me I was a medical student and she certainly has agrred that she saw me as a geat future husband and father. I feel deceived and hurt. Whete do I go from here?
When I read that and we are talking about people meeting very young and inexperienced, yes there is nothing but red flags.
41 is early signs of mid life crisis. The OP is addressing it by disatisfaction with their sex life and wanting to . Whether she is having one or something worse, I don't think there is anything in the OP saying that. She probably felt pressure about sex (especially if she is LD as 1X/mth indicates) and lashed out inappropriately.
As said am very sorry for the OP, and can't think of anything much worse to say.
We see this from time to time. Woman chooses her mate based upon security and paternal prospects. Raw attraction, was never part of the deal.
It's a raw bill of goods.
However, if you know what she is telling you simply isn't true based upon her behavior and response to you in the past ... even if it's the distant past, THEN you have a pretty good notion that she is trying to justify her distancing and alienating behavior ... and if not cheating ... has probably thought about it.
Where do you go? Where do you want things to go? Do you want to stay with a woman whose point of interest in you is your paycheck, and your accommodating manner?
It should come to nobody's surprise that some women, (and men?) marry for financial security. My ex did and it worked out fine for her for two decades. If the OP's wife isn't physically attracted to him, he can't fix that, but can address his problem with it. This may be the very first time in their time together that she has actually been truthful with him on ANYTHING.
Forty one is the prime of a man's life and he would be very foolish indeed to cancel out physical attraction as a benefit of the relationship simply because he didn't know he picked the wrong woman.
Staying together for the benefit of the children is of no value to THEM since he probably hasn't been able to conceal his frustration and now that she's given him a clue, it will only get worse.
Thank you all for your posts. I've never posted before on any site and its nice to have some support! I'll try and answer some questions. Our kids are 12,10 and 6. i have no concerns about my wife on this weekend- she is running a half marathon in the forrest! I'm going up to meet her on Saturday night.
Our relationship I thought had generally been good, I really don't suspect any affair but I guess you never know- have not discussed this yet.
One of my biggest problems with all this is this- most people see me as a nice guy-and sometimes i get sick of just being seen like that-I thought my marriage had more to it than that but maybe not?
My wife has already said she wished she didn't tell me this but i thanked her for her honesty. I think she is genuinely concerned about hurting me but also she sees this as a bump in the road that we can work out- I'm just not sure how- as hookares said it feels like the resentment will only get worse and i'm as unlikely to have sex with her now as she is with me! (total lack of self esteem!)
I am sure you are going to get this answer in far more detail from more experienced posters (and there are some brilliant ones on here and No more Mr Nice Guy Forum)
But you really need to start upping the Alpha behaviour and lowering the beta behaviour Athols site explains it in more detail, destabilise the marriage.
Never beg for sex, never argue or plead it makes you look weak!
If you venture further into this you will discover that women are funny creatures and are very different than men in what they respond to, and I have found that weakness is the biggest turn off for a woman!
I want to do everything I can to make this work as i am in love with my wife and my family- but do I neglect my feelings in this and how can it ever be different? Think I will go to a psychologist myself as a starter.
I could have written what you wrote almost word for word. 41 years old, 3 kids, married for 14 years, sex was practically non-existent for most of the marriage. There were spikes while trying to conceive, as someone mentioned. I also got the "not attracted to you" bit. She even said she married me because she thought I would be a good father. All of this was over the course of several years.
I tried improving my looks, working out, etc. I only got frustrated when it did no good. There is something deeper than the physical looks. My wife did have an affair. A long, drawn out affair. I saw his picture. Granted, I have a biased opinion about the SOB, but I swear he was about the ugliest dude I have ever seen. It had nothing to do with his looks (or mine). He had "met her emotional needs" which made her want to do what she could to please him. She was certainly not "low drive" with that ugly joker.
The reason I tell you all this is because I know you have had a tremendous blow to your self-esteem. As you stated, other women have been attracted to me as well over the years. I'm sure you are a decent looking man, as I consider myself to be. The issue is not your looks.
In talking about the sex issue with me and my wife, several things have come up that may be relevant to you and your wife. One is that she always felt "pressured" (I hate that word!) for sex. She felt it was expected, and therefore, she couldn't freely give herself. It was a horrible snowball for years. The more I wanted it, the less she gave it.
DO NOT JUST TRY TO ACCEPT THE FACT SHE IS NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU!!! I did that. I thought, well, I just need to get over it. She's just Low Drive. That's just the way she is. I just need to accept it and get over it.
Dig deeper. Search diligently for the root issues. It is not about your looks. It is something much deeper than that. I don't know what it is, but I'm confident there is something in there.
ok- so we've had the affair discussion by phone! Not had one but came close is what she has said!
Some people just don’t listen.
Look. If your wife is telling you the truth now about never being physically/emotionally attracted to you for over 20 years that means she’s deceived you for that length of time. Deception is about lying, it’s about having one “inside face” and one “outside face”, it’s about being two faced.
And now you ask her a question, such a very deep, personal question the answer to which could have enormous, tremendous consequences, like the loss of her life as she now has with you, and you expect a truthful answer!
Don’t worry. A lot of us have been there believing our wife would never lie to us.
Something has happened that made your wife tell you what she told you. Like “Why NOW. Why after all these years, after more than two decades do you tell me such a thing NOW”. You need to find out what that something is.
If you stop being so NICE you may actually find out what's going on.