fobrick

Hi there
I am 41 years old and been with my wife for 22 years and married for 15. We have 3 children. She recently told me that she has never been physically attracted to me. We have a marriage where we have sex once a month at best and I am always the person doing the work. She tells me she is in love with me and wants o make the mariage work. When she met me I was a medical student and she certainly has agrred that she saw me as a geat future husband and father. I feel deceived and hurt. Whete do I go from here?

fobrick

I should mention everything else about the marriage is good. We have 3 lovely kids.

livnlearn

what was the context in which she told you this?

have you changed much in appearance over the years...like gained a whole lot of weight, lost your hair....anything?

not saying any of this would be justification for such hurtful remarks....

fobrick

Actually no- been at gym more recently than ever. Hair all there. The issue that is most hurtful is that she says that she has never been physically attracted but hoped it would comw with time!!! Well its been 22 years and i guess it hasn't come!

Halien

I can only assume that she had a reason for telling you what the marriage meant to her all along. Now's the tough part. Will you accept that you are married to someone who doesn't find you attractive, and kept the news from you, and begin to work to make yourself attractive for her, or will you tell her that you deserve to be marriad to someone who does find you attractive as a person?

I am so sorry! Please stay with this site and read how others have dealt with similar situations. I think you have to give yourself time to process all of this.

fobrick

context was me pushing her about the infrequency of sex.

SlowlyGettingWiser

OUCH! That was harsh.

What was the impetus for telling you this? What was the context of the conversation?

Did you inquire as to WHY she thought you would be a "great future husband and father?" (money? similar values? temperament?)

How does she feel/what does she say about sex a dozen times a year...and you're just barely in your 40s (I assume she's the same age, give or take)

Did you tell her you feel "deceived and hurt"? How did the conversation continue AFTER her declaration? Or did it just end?

fobrick

I guess the issue is she tells me she finds me attractive as a person- i.e good father, provider, good husband, just not physically attractive! I'm 5 foot 11 and 81kg and there have been other women who have found me attrctive I think!! Jees-I dont know where to go from here- I'm in love with her but maye I've been dooped?

fobrick

The conversation ended because I had to go to work! I stayed at work late and she was gong away with some girlfiends for the weekend so I came back just as she ws leaving.
We had very similar values and are good friends

Almostrecovered

she sees you as a good father, caretaker, provider, man, person, philanthropist, etc

not a lover

so she's either LD (low drive) or can't connect to you sexually since you are a father figure

Athol Kay's Married Man's Sex Life might be a good read for you

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SlowlyGettingWiser

You feel deceived and hurt and duped. You have a right to. Not only was her revelation shocking, but it was such a long-held opinion.

Do you fear there are OTHER THINGS that she hasn't been forthcoming about? Or do you feel this is pretty much the Alpha/Omega of your problems (sexual and otherwise?)

AFEH

She’s not attracted to you. Could very well mean she’s found someone else she is attracted to and is making direct comparisons between the two of you. And that she’s been really dumb to mention it. She’s not attracted to you could mean she’s off out with her girlfriends to find a man she is attracted to. She’s not attracted to you could mean this is the current COMMON THEME amongst her girlfriends and as a group they are using this to go out and get other men, this weekend.


These things are SERIOUS RED FLAGS that all is not well in your relationship with your wife!

From now on be Mr Cool! Don’t believe a word your wife tells you unless you can authenticate it. She will totally rewrite the history between the two of you. It’s most probably all lies to justify her behaviour so don’t get too upset about it.

And from now on SNOOP. Look in her emails, her phone etc. and get voice activated recorders to put in your home and in her car.

Just be Mr Cool, play it call and spy on your wife. If anything is going on it will show up soon and you’ll have evidence to confront her with. Without that evidence all you will get is lies, deceits and denials. You may even get those in the presence of evidence to the contrary, but you will know what the truth is.

AFEH

Thinking about it. If my wife told me something like that before going off for a weekend I'd do everything I could to get her to cancel it.

If she doesn't cancel it you know exactly where you stand.


I think you've a long road ahead of you.

chillymorn

yep sounds like she shopping for someone who she is attracted too.

livnlearn

sorry...I can imagine how hurtful that would be. She said she has NEVER been physically attracted to you. Has infrequent sex always been an issue? I agree with the other posters that said this seems to be a red flag. I can say that when a spouse really loves you, physical imperfections that happen over time (aging) tend to not be such an issue...within reason of course. I question her claims of "loving you but not finding you attractive". Just doesn't add up....