Hicks

You have to provide her some direction instead of letting her constantly decide what she wants to do or where she wants to live.

You do have to start by valuing what she does. Then you have to hold her accountable to being what it is you value. So for example, do you value her as a good mother, beatiful wife etc? Make sure she undertands that you do a value her. But, do not tolerate her then non valuing herself. Make her accountable to be a good mother and a beautiful wife.

Don't let her lead you around, which is what you are doing. Don't ask her what will make her happy and all of this... That's really bad.

RandomDude

I used to push my wife to the limit all the time

Until I realised that she has a far greater limit than I had thought, to the point I'll only make myself feel like sh-t doing it...

She's so strong and somehow a part of her doesn't even believe it

joshbjoshb

Since I started this thread I feel like not opening another one but rather posting here.

You know, I used to be a major nice guy, very weak, always trying to please her, etc.

Now it's almost all gone. I am not being a doormat any more.

However, she still has this tendency to "fix" me. She read the surrendered wife - which in my opinion is a fantastic book! - and thinks that the author is just wrong of course she does, because this book is against everything she does. She just believes that her job is to also always "be on my case" and tell me what to do or not.

Add to this some emotional issues - like whenever she is angry talking really not nice and personal attacks - and you will understand why I have a very hard time being intimate with her. I am not talking about the physical sense - that we do quite often, I am talking about me really letting go, being able to share my true feelings, etc.

Not sure what's the point of this post, maybe I just need to vent. BTW, I hate the replies of "just realize who she is and leave her if you don't like it". I don't stay in my marriage because I am forced to; I stay because I believe that people should do everything they can to make the marriage work, and because I am a huge believer in a family unit.

Whatever. Whatever.

deejov

You might find it useful to look up the Basic Concepts and the Policy of Joint Agreement on the marriage builders website.

Literally, it's a guide to how to treat each other, and you can read about it together and sign off on it.

things like:
Selfish demands, being disrespectful, angry outburts, dishonesty, annoying habits, etc.

Gives you a plan to follow.
Sounds goofy... I know. But putting it in front of both of you is like a peace treaty. This is HOW you will treat each other.

And there is lots of learning that can be done (both of you) in how to treat each other WELL. Practicing being a better person isn't a bad thing, is it?

Ten_year_hubby

This all too typical behavior often originates from a compromised or nonexistent father in one's family of origin. Sometimes compounded by acceptance of current feminist philosophy. If you make an effort to understand her background and are sympathetic to the problems she brings into your marriage, your sensitivity to her behavior will decrease

Conrad

Fine line between understanding and enabling.

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH

joshbjoshb

Wow! That was brilliant! In fact her father was away from home all week. I have to tell you - to guess that based on one post only, is truly genius!