I have a date?!?
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Old 04-21-2012, 07:48 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I have a date?!?

Ok, so maybe Conrad was right......I do need to change my moniker. For the first time in over 14 years, I have a date with someone other than my wife. (or ex wife soon to be in 30 days) Things have most certainly changed for me over the last couple of months as I have totally invested in myself and taking care of my needs...this brings about a very important thing to men.

It gives you clarity. My stbx is someone that, quite honestly, I don't want to be with. She hasn't changed as a person. If she was to turn around in our relationship, she would still have the same communication issues, the same motivation issues, the same twisted personality. Why be in a relationship with someone who can't help themselves? It is a drain on you. NICE GUYS...hear this. Get rid of your insecurity and feel good about you!

I have been sleeping in the spare bedroom for 6 months and going through this BS since 9/2010. It is time for me to get MY NEEDS MET! I just signed my lease on the new apartment and move in next month. Signed the divorce papers that should have been filed yesterday or thursday.

The new girl....divorced for 5 years...2 kids...however, has a career that she is passionate about. Intelligent, self driven, someone that I could possibly compliment instead of propping up by being her "pillar". The conversations are very intellectual, and we line up on the spiritual side. FAR CRY from being a partner with a SAHM. So, here is to drinks, food, and good conversation.............finally.......with no expectations or pressure. If it works, it works. If it doesn't, oh well. I am looking forward to being a bachelor anyway.
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Old 04-21-2012, 09:27 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I have a date?!?

Sounds good to me.

The only thing I'd caution is that it is an absolute fact that somehow you contributed to the marriage problems and probably way more significantly than simply "being too nice". Now is probably a really good time for some deep introspection and personal growth so that whatever those things are, you root them out before you try again.
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Old 04-21-2012, 09:34 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Nice!! Now, change your screen name.
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Old 04-21-2012, 09:43 AM   #4 (permalink)
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"Dedicated2Me" or "Dedicated2Life"
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Old 04-21-2012, 09:47 AM   #5 (permalink)
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You go, guy. There is nothing like attention from the opposite sex to boost our mood and remind us that we are still attractive and have something to offer. When you are mired in a bad relationship, you can lose hope that there is joy in life. It is all about outlook, and yours sounds positive now.
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Old 04-21-2012, 11:50 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Hope it goes well for you
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Old 04-21-2012, 11:56 AM   #7 (permalink)
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The only thing I'd caution is that it is an absolute fact that somehow you contributed to the marriage problems and probably way more significantly than simply "being too nice". Now is probably a really good time for some deep introspection and personal growth so that whatever those things are, you root them out before you try again.
I hear you. You don't know my story. I took full responsibility for all of this. Actually, too much responsibility. 1.5 years of IC later. I realize it was 50/50. It was definitely more than being too nice, however, it was a combination of her problems in addition to mine that led to the toxicity. I have changed. I am happy. I am a new person. She has not changed. In fact, she has gone backwards. Therefore, we cannot have a new relationship. I am cool with that. However, I will not live in guilt anymore.
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Old 04-21-2012, 12:55 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I have a date?!?

I remember when we used to argue about whether it's a "process"

It IS a process, but it can't be driven by only one person.

IF the other person is committed to the relationship, they'll let you know - and quickly.
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Old 04-21-2012, 02:51 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I remember when we used to argue about whether it's a "process"

It IS a process, but it can't be driven by only one person.

IF the other person is committed to the relationship, they'll let you know - and quickly.
Absolutely. In my situation, it is more than her just not being committed to the relationship. She just isn't committed to much of anything. A person who is passionless in their daily life ends up not being very happy. I hope she gets better, but I am moving on with life.

She looked at me after we went through the papers. She said, "I am not well. I hit you with anything I could think of to blame you for our problems. You changed. You are so different. BUT, I cannot forget. I cannot forgive or accept the new you. Something is wrong with me. I hope to be better one day, but today is just not that day."

It was at that moment I had an epiphany. This had nothing to do with me. It might have started that way, but it was no longer the case.
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Old 04-21-2012, 08:14 PM   #10 (permalink)
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*whispering* pssst...I have a feeling some sahm's might not take kindly to the insinuation that they are stupid, unmotivated and can't hold an intellectual conversation.

that being said...it makes me happy to hear people moving on from their bad times and finding happiness again. Good for you!
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Old 04-21-2012, 10:41 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I can cry from your post. I can cry because it's all I can do for my wife to wake up and see what type of misery she lives in... that's all I can do. I don't want to leave her. But I can't help her unless she want to help herself...
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Old 04-22-2012, 05:45 AM   #12 (permalink)
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*whispering* pssst...I have a feeling some sahm's might not take kindly to the insinuation that they are stupid, unmotivated and can't hold an intellectual conversation.

Should have put this differently......It is a far cry from dealing with my particular SAHM. She hasn't always been this way. The miscarriage 2.5 years ago changed her, and she really hasn't recovered.

Date went well, though. Meeting for coffee this week.
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Old 04-22-2012, 06:11 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Absolutely. In my situation, it is more than her just not being committed to the relationship. She just isn't committed to much of anything. A person who is passionless in their daily life ends up not being very happy. I hope she gets better, but I am moving on with life.

She looked at me after we went through the papers. She said, "I am not well. I hit you with anything I could think of to blame you for our problems. You changed. You are so different. BUT, I cannot forget. I cannot forgive or accept the new you. Something is wrong with me. I hope to be better one day, but today is just not that day."

It was at that moment I had an epiphany. This had nothing to do with me. It might have started that way, but it was no longer the case.
Well she certainly demonstrated an amazing amount of personal insight.

It sounds like she’s pathologically embittered. Which means the resentment she feels against you is of an unreasonable nature. In that the majority of the population would have been able to forgive, she’s in the very small minority that can’t and so they become embittered.

It is as a direct result of exceedingly poor anger management. Instead of confronting the issues between you she held on to them and let them fester as a way of deliberately punishing you at a later time.

So when she did hurt you, it was in a premeditated way. In that a few days before she hurt you she actually sat down and planned it all out. It’s exceedingly devious and they plan it such that you just don’t know where it comes from and so you cannot hold them responsible. What you do know is you are deeply hurt and the normal response to that is anger, sometimes very intense anger.

Additionally if you were to have stayed with her she would have held you to be the man you once were. So instead of helping you with your growth through your life, she would have quite literally stunted your growth. And that stunted growth would have lasted as long as you two stayed together. It’s one of the reasons why it’s such a blessing to be away from such a person. We are literally free to grow away from their constraints, their shackles and bonds.



It never was anything to do with you. It simply never was. Sure you got things wrong and sure you hurt your wife. We all do in one way or another, just as our wives hurt us. It happens most especially when in love. But your wife should have worked through the issues with you until she reached a point of understanding and forgiveness.

Your wife didn’t do that and hung onto everything that went wrong as though they were the crown jewels. What went wrong was the way your wife manages her anger. Your wife took the path of revenge instead of the path of forgiveness. And as such she was always going to be angry even though you may never have known it.


These things came as a direct result from her parents. It was her parents or carers who taught her how to manage her anger is such very sick and abusive ways.



I wouldn’t hold out much hope for your wife though. Her statements of she cannot forget and she cannot forgive should be taken extremely literally as though they are written in steel. That is the person she is. She cannot even forgive the person she was living with and professed to love and she’ll take that into her next relationship. And woe betide that man because he’ll get the exact same you got.

But then again she recognises that she is not well. So maybe there is some hope for her.

Last edited by AFEH; 04-22-2012 at 06:21 AM.
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Old 04-22-2012, 06:17 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Well she certainly demonstrated an amazing amount of personal insight.

It sounds like sheís pathologically embittered. Which means the resentment she feels against you is of an unreasonable nature. In that the majority of the population would have been able to forgive, sheís in the very small minority that canít and so they become embittered.

It is as a direct result of exceedingly poor anger management. Instead of confronting the issues between you she held on to them and let them fester as a way of deliberately punishing you at a later time.

So when she did hurt you, it was in a premeditated way. In that a few days before she hurt you she actually sat down and planned it all out. Itís exceedingly devious and they plan it such that you just donít know where it comes from and so you cannot hold them responsible. What you do know is you are deeply hurt and the normal response to that is anger, sometimes very intense anger.

Additionally if you were to have stayed with her she would have held you to be the man you once were. So instead of helping you with your growth through your life, she would have quite literally stunted your growth. And that stunted growth would have lasted as long as you two stayed together. Itís one of the reasons why itís such a blessing to be away from such a person. We are literally free to grow away from their constraints, their shackles and bonds.



It never was anything to do with you. It simply never was. Sure you got things wrong and sure you hurt your wife. We all do in one way or another, just as our wives hurt us. It happens most especially when in love. But your wife should have worked through the issues with you until she reached a point of understanding and forgiveness.

Your wife didnít do that and hung onto everything that went wrong as though they were the crown jewels. What went wrong was the way your wife manages her anger. Your wife took the path of revenge instead of the path of forgiveness. And as such she was always going to be angry even though you may never have known it.


These things came as a direct result from her parents. It was her parents or carers who taught her how to manage her anger is such very sick and abusive ways.



I wouldnít hold out much hope for your wife though. Her statements of she cannot forget and she cannot forget should be taken extremely literally as though they are written in steel. That is the person she is. She cannot even forgive the person she was living with and professed to love and sheíll take that into her next relationship. And woe betide that man because heíll get the exact same you got.

But then again she recognises that she is not well. So maybe there is some hope for her.
I actually disagree with some of what you write here. People with very poor emotional abilities (such as his wife, and mine ) are not planning. In fact, when they are under normal condition, they do realize that they are wrong and not acting the way they should. Yet, when put under pressure, they forgot everything they said and switch back to doing all wrong things.
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Old 04-22-2012, 06:31 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I actually disagree with some of what you write here. People with very poor emotional abilities (such as his wife, and mine ) are not planning. In fact, when they are under normal condition, they do realize that they are wrong and not acting the way they should. Yet, when put under pressure, they forgot everything they said and switch back to doing all wrong things.
Of course a loving and doting husband will not want his mind to even begin to think that the pain he gets from his wife is premeditated and well thought out and is linked to something he did years ago.


You're far too good, far too nice, supportive, loving etc. etc. for that to ever happen to you. Right?

Read Awareness by Anthony de Mello and after a while you may just understand what's going on in your marriage.

Last edited by AFEH; 04-22-2012 at 07:00 AM.
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