Do you guys ever have any good time together as a couple? If so, when was the last time?
I don't know when your trip to Maine is planned, but this may be your Rubicon. Stick to your guns. Tell her that you won't go to Maine unless she makes a firm commitment to stop the abuse (abuse stops, finances are equalized, you two go to marriage counseling for at least a year). If you don't get commitment on all points, you are a) not going to Maine and b) filing for divorce while she is gone.
To the first question, our last real date alone was back in March, before the shut down. We went out for dinner and a movie. It was nice. We've had some nights out recently but with the kids but still some good times but when we get home, she tucks the blanket underneath her. Not saying we should have sex every time we go out but when you're laying there and you see this, it hurts because you know she doesn't want you near her or at least doesn't want to be intimate.
We are supposed to leave for Maine this Saturday. I have no plans on going. She has invited at least 4 different girlfriends and maybe a 5th. So if they each stay a night, that's 4 nights we don't have alone time. I don't mind that she invited her friends but I think she went a little overboard on the invites.
You mean she physically hasn't spoken to you, or she hasn't spoken to you about the relationship?
Both. Unless it involves me having to pick up or drop off one of the kids she has to tell me where and when. Mostly, the kids will tell me where they need to go. Other than that, I can sit there in the room with her try to talk about the weather or about a movie or about her day at work or about us, she doesn't talk. I might get a few grunts and groans but that's about it.
But good for you for standing up to her. Now expect the push back. She's spending ALL DAY today figuring out her ammunition to get you back under control. She will come at you with guns a'blazing. You may want to get the kids to your mom's house for the night just in case.
Spend today figuring out what your boundaries are. Write them out on a poster board and hang it up (make a spare, she'll rip that one up); keep a copy in your pocket to refer to. When she starts spewing at you, point to the list and say 'are you willing to adhere to this? If not, I'll contact a lawyer tomorrow.'
Say NOTHING ELSE. Talk ONLY about your boundaries. When she tries to deflect back onto how much of an ogre you are, either bring up the boundaries and ask if she's gonna adhere to them, or say 'You're free to move on.' Don't let her tell you that YOU have to get out. She may own the house, but you're married. She can't kick you out of your home.
I just found from the kids, a girlfriend is coming by to pick them up to bring them to her house for dinner. They said, "Mom needs to talk to me." So she has thought about this all day...
I figured she's the child of one or two alcoholics. Classic control aggression repulsion behavior. She also has a bit of the dry drunk in her.
The question you might want to ask yourself is whether the 'why' is that important. To me. it's not. A more important question is how to change or redirect all that misdirected rage and fury. Because for all the the seething anger she expresses at you, she hates herself more, MUCH more.
But this is on her to change right? How can I redirect the anger?
It sounds like you are doing ALOT to help out around the house. Since this attitude and behavior started get worse in the last month she might be going through some stuff at work. We are supposed to leave our home and home and our work at work, but that is never the case. In her mind, you work 3 days a week and get to play with the kids all day. If she is going through a tough time at work, she could be holding a deep resentment towards you and the amount of time that you work. Is that right? No, not at all, but nothing will get fixed if you do not try and put yourself in her shoes. I am a silent treatment kind of a girl too, and it pisses the Sh*t out of my husband. That is just how I react to an argument. I do not know how to communicate when I am stressed and upset. I found that writing out my feeling in a letter format helps express where I am at. So we are trying that method.
SEX 3 times since February!!! That is insane! Is there a way that you can take a vacation together to re-unite that spark? It might help to pull her away from the stress she is feeling at home and at work. Just a thought.
We work the same amount of hours and my commute is much longer than hers (an hour for me 15 minutes for her) so it's not like she is working more than me.
If she's holding deep resentment towards me over the fact that I am home with the kids, then she is thinking that being home is a breeze. So for all those stay at home Mom's out there life is a breeze?
Sex only once since february. This vacation upcoming could have been that but she figured she'd invite her girlfriends. If she wanted the spark to come back, don't invite so many friends on our vacation.
My first guess is that now that she got promoted, either someone is hitting on her and she accepted the advances (the BS usually plummets in the other spouse's eyes when this happens), or else the job is turning out to be horrible.
Do you guys talk about her job?
It's a small company, maybe 25 people in her office. Only five of which are men, all married.
I try to get her to talk about her work day but to no avail. I might get, "Same ****, different day." Before the shut down, when should would come home and I would ask her about her day, she would say it sucked. it was horrible. etc., never say she had a great day. The oldest also tries and is told she hates her job. Yet, when we were in MC, she tells the MC, she LOVES her job. I was shocked! Here she is telling us at home how ****ty it is now she's telling the MC she LOVES her job. It was an outright lie.
She told me this morning she hates coming home. So now she hates her job and hates coming home? Sounds like she's angry with everything in her life.
And just so folks understand, it is not just me who get this angry person when they come home from work bullcrap. The kids get it a lot as well. Heck, the oldest went to her one night and asked her why she was so angry when she comes home every night. At some point during that conversation she told the oldest she could get the hell out. The kid was texting me all night and summed up in one text what I feel and what we all feel, "Mom is mean. Mom is denial that she is angry. She treats us like crap. Is in denial about that too. Then she feels unappreciated and no matter what we do to make her happy, she still finds something to be pissed about. She makes me feel unwanted" It's so true. That's how I feel.
Oh well, I better get ready for her coming home from work soon. I have a feeling this is going to be rough.
So, it's quite possible that she's arranged girl friends to accompany her almost every night of the vacation. Assuring that the two of you won't have "couple time" to spend together in Maine. No walks on the beach (or in the woods, depending on where you are) or going out for a date to get lobster rolls.
She's thinking 100% about herself and 0% about you - unless it's how to avoid you.
So, it's quite possible that she's arranged girl friends to accompany her almost every night of the vacation. Assuring that the two of you won't have "couple time" to spend together in Maine. No walks on the beach (or in the woods, depending on where you are) or going out for a date to get lobster rolls.
She's thinking 100% about herself and 0% about you - unless it's how to avoid you.
That's exactly how I view it, she has made sure there is no alone time for us. Whereas, it could have possibly been a great time for walks on the beach, going to the sites etc.,
She started walking for excercise back in April, she asked me many times to go along and I would, only to find out one of her girlfriends was waiting for us. Another opportunity at being alone in the woods on our walks to talk, to enjoy each others company but no a friend had to come along.
I just found from the kids, a girlfriend is coming by to pick them up to bring them to her house for dinner. They said, "Mom needs to talk to me." So she has thought about this all day...
Write down a cheat sheet. You're a NG - you're gonna need it, or she'll have you on your knees kissing the hem of her skirt and asking for forgiveness for your insolence.
OH, and go get a recorder before you meet up with her and RECORD the conversation! Please!
But this is on her to change right? How can I redirect the anger?
You can't redirect anyone else's anything.
All you can do is KNOW WHAT YOU WILL ACCEPT.
Boundaries Lesson One:
If she raises her voice, you hold up your hand and say "I won't discuss this if you raise your voice."
If she ignores you and yells anyway, you hold up your hand again, say 'We'll talk about this when you can remain calm' and you go into the bedroom.
If she follows you into the bedroom and starts yelling again, you just get up, take the car keys out of your pocket, and drive away.
You cool off and come back a half hour later. If she's waiting to pounce on you and starts yelling again, you turn right back around, without a word, and drive away. If she tries to get behind the car (probably will), you get out without a word, and start walking down the street. If she tries to hit you or scream rape or whatever, you immediately call 911 and ask the police to come. Don't say a word to her!
If she somehow doesn't raise it to this level, you go away for 2 hours and come back. If she's ready to talk then, go ahead and talk. If she's still yelling, you get back in the car and go stay at a hotel.
You come back the next morning. Rinse and repeat. Each time she crosses your boundary, you up the ante and stay away longer and longer. If it happens again, you stay at a friend's house for a week. If she STILL can't talk without screaming, you file for divorce.
That's how you use a boundary and consequence. And by all means, keep that recorder going! (have spare batteries in your pocket)
Write down a cheat sheet. You're a NG - you're gonna need it, or she'll have you on your knees kissing the hem of her skirt and asking for forgiveness for your insolence.
OH, and go get a recorder before you meet up with her and RECORD the conversation! Please!
My gut feeling is, she's afraid I will stick to my guns about not going on vacation with her. I say this because of all the recent partys we have been to or other events for the kids where she makes sure I go even though she doesn't talk to me. This is the first time that I have balked and spoke up and said, "I don't think I should be going because you treat me like crap at home, what would be different being on vacation?" Like with the partys, no one likes to go alone. No one wants to explain why there husband chose not to come. Unless she has all her friends on board with the way she treats me, she will be explaining why I didn't come.
That's what my gut says but I could be completely wrong, she could be coming home to use the phrase, "Kiss her hem." by the time we are done talking or she could be coming home to ask me to leave. I'm sure standing up to her this morning has had her wheels turning all day and who knows if I pushed back hard enough that she may have decided she doesn't want there to be an us anymore. By shocking the system I'm sure I have changed the dynamic.
So, it's quite possible that she's arranged girl friends to accompany her almost every night of the vacation. Assuring that the two of you won't have "couple time" to spend together in Maine. No walks on the beach (or in the woods, depending on where you are) or going out for a date to get lobster rolls.
She's thinking 100% about herself and 0% about you - unless it's how to avoid you.
Well, if for some reason you DO go, make sure she has no access to any of your money. If she wants to act single, she can damn well pay for it herself.
By shocking the system I'm sure I have changed the dynamic.
I'm sure you did. Which is why you have to figure out NOW what your boundaries are:
no yelling
no blaming
no treating kids like crap
SF once a week
working in MC WITHOUT lying (cos I'll call you out on it)
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Re: I'm ready to give up. 
