Hi all, looking for help/advice. I've been reading lots of threads here about fitness tests, 180's and other problems similar to mine. Hoping someone out there can help/advise.
A little background about me and my wife: We've been married 7 years, we have a six year old together. She has an 11 year old and a 15 year old from her first marriage. She got the house in the divorce. Everything in the house is hers. She has a very large inheritance in the bank. (I only add those because there are financial questions that keep coming up.) I work 3 overnight 12.5 hour shifts so I am home for the kids everyday. She has a typical 9-5 job. With me being with her she was able to pull her two kids out of day care and has marched up the corporate ladder.
Last February I noticed a change in her, our sex life changed from once a week to maybe once every three months, since last February we have had sex maybe three times. Another big thing is the silent treatment, she has always used it as a weapon against me. If she is angry at me over anything, I get the silent treatment. After a while I developed a response, if she is going to give me the silent treatment, I am not going to come groveling to her to find out what I did wrong. Instead I will wait until she comes to me about what is bothering her. In the end, it's always me that gets accused of starting the silent treatment... This drives me crazy as I do not start it.
In the last month things have really taken a turn for the worse, she not only has given me the silent treatment but has completely cut me off, unless she needs to speak to me on an issue regarding me taking one of the kids to an activity or picking them up from school. Otherwise, I do not exist. She comes and goes as she pleases leaving me with the kids. It might be as simple as going shopping but she doesn't tell anyone where she is going. She just goes.
She is a walking rage machine, not just with me but with the kids as well. She comes home from work angry, she goes to work angry, She's angry all of the time. The more I do, the more the kids do to make her happy, she just finds something else to be angry about. It's absolutely insane living under these conditions. I walk on egg shells not knowing what will set her off.
One day I was sitting watching T.V. she comes into the room and yells, "YOU! Sneakers out NOW!" I told her not to speak to me as if I am a five year old. That really pissed her off. I still think there are other ways to ask to remove my sneakers. "Honey, I told you I didn't want anyone wearing their shoes or sneakers around the house, could you take them off?" I can respect a statement like that.
Two days later it was dryer lint. It was all spread out on the kitchen counter for me. My first reaction when I saw it, "I'm in trouble for lint?" Then I thought, "Goes to show who does all of the laundry." Then she walks into the room and asks if I see the lint and I say "Yes, I see it but couldn't you have thrown it away?" She said, "NO I THOUGHT YOU NEEDED A VISUAL AID! Then came a rampage of verbal insults directed at me and once again, I asked that she not speak to me in that manner. Since then she has cut me off. Her belief is that since she doesn't seem to know how to speak to people, why speak to them at all.
We have been seeing a marriage counselor, counting the lint, and the sneakers, my biggest offenses have been, coming home late from picking the kids up at my moms, a toilet she thought was leaking that I hadn't fixed yet ( I checked it, it wasn't leaking) It's all trivial stuff that she brings up. If those are my biggest offenses then the balance scales are way out of whack for all that I do around the house and with the kids and for her. None of that counts apparently. She feels unappreciated. She feels she does everything around the house. She feels over-worked and over-burdened. The fact of the matter is, myself and the oldest do all of the household chores and I do all of the yard work. So where her un-appreciation comes from I have no idea? If anything I felt unappreciated, I even started calling myself the nanny.
As for finances being an issue, she told the marriage counselor she wanted me to pay more to her. Right now I pay her $1,000 a month. He ex pays her $650. The mortgage is $1,100. Then the electric, cell phone, gas, cable and food shopping. I think I am paying more than my fair share. I will never see a penny if she sold the house tomorrow. She inherited over 800k from her parents and thats all in the bank. Last year she had all new hardwood floors installed in four rooms (price was north of 10K) She had a bedroom built in the basement for her son another 7k. The year before she had new tile installed in the kitchen and bathroom. I could go on and on, the point is, when she wants to spend, there is no shortage of money. When it comes to the monthly bills, she claims there is always a shortage and she would like me to make that shortage up. Just last month she bought herself a used jeep wrangler so she can feel the wind in her hair. She already has a nice vehicle. So it's a toy for her. It's difficult for me to see a money problem when I see money being spent on stuff that isn't needed but it's her money. It's her house. She can do what she wants with both. I just have a tough time seeing a financial crisis as she claims. I can't even afford a new car and I'm driving the kids around.
So the counselor suggested we go over the bills together and work on the finances. When we got home I offered to sit down with her the next day to over the bills and she said, "I'm going somewhere so I can't do it tomorrow." She didn't counter with, "Let's sit down on xyz day and go over it." Nothing was said. Then I said, "You tell me how much more you need from me and I will see if I can meet that. If it takes pressure off of you then I will do my best." I also said I would give her my entire check but if I do that I want to see a new car and I want some spending money. It has been nearly two weeks and still she hasn't asked to go over the bills. To me, it seems like she's reaching for issues and the money isn't really an issue, if it were we would have sat down by now to figure out what she wants me to pay.
So the silent treatment continues. The coldness continues. I took to sleeping on the couch in the last week because I feel she doesn't want me in the bed, she makes a lot of commotion when I come into the bed. We sit there and watch tv together but she's sitting there texting her girlfriends the entire time. I feel as if I am being walked on, mistreated, catch all for any anger she has. I feel like she doesn't want me there but when I volunteer to leave if I am the cause of her anger, she says no, she doesn't want me to move out. Yet the passive/aggressive actions say yes she wants me out or at the very least she can't stand to be around me but keeps me there to watch the kids.
I feel as if everything is a landmine. If I do something hoping it will make her happy, she looks for the one item out of place to get pissed off at. Even the kids say it doesn't matter what we do, she's still going to be mad. At this point I'm ready to leave. I can't take it anymore. Yet, she is someone I love and up until a year ago, everything was fine, the usual ups and downs but this is a complete nightmare.
What changed last February? Other than the fact that you have a child with her, doesn't sound like anyone I'd invest much time or effort in. Sounds like a hateful bat to me. She's getting help with bills and free child care. Are you getting anything positive out of this arrangement? "You, Sneakers Out NOW!" Are you freaking kidding me? I'd tell that pompous, sexless heifer just how many ways she could bite me.
Goes to show who does all of the laundry...all that I do around the house and with the kids and for her...myself and the oldest do all of the household chores and I do all of the yard work...I even started calling myself the nanny
Ask her WHAT it is she feels 'unappreciated' about. Her job? You have one, too, PLUS all the house/yard work. The 1/2 house she got from ex-husband? The $800K she got from her parents?
Since she's so big on 'visual aids,' I would recommend you get a wall calendar and mark a big red X every day she gives you the 'silent treatment.'
What does your MC say about the verbal abuse? the silent treatment? the rages?
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I took to sleeping on the couch in the last week because I feel she doesn't want me in the bed
Why do YOU get the backache from sleeping on the couch? Why does everyone acquiesce to HER demands? Get back in YOUR bed. If she doesn't like it, SHE can discuss the matter or move to the couch herself.
If you are in MC and things are STILL this ridiculous, I would suggest a trial-separation. You could try moving out for a few months and see if wife is willing to re-consider her verbally abusive behavior. Maybe at that point, you may be reconsidering staying married to this sexless shrew!
It sounds to me like she’s trying to make it so uncomfortable for you that you’ll leave and she’ll divorce for desertion such that you wont get a settlement.
You are a financial dependent. Never a good thing that.
Man...rough stuff. I'm going through similiar circumstances with my wife. Her nest, so she she has to have it her way. She's pursuing her dreams on your buck, leaving you to pick up the slack around house. She keeps giving you mixed signals, is constantly angry, and seems to be losing interest in you. Anytime you try to gain control of your life and get things back on track she says your too controling. If I'm out of line tell me so, but I think we're on the same page.
Bravo2.0 your a good man and are trying to do the best for your family, thats what any husband should do. But you are also an individual and have desires of your own. You are responsible for your happiness, don't anticipate your wife to reciprocate the affection your feeding her.
You work, you make money, so spend it on something for you. Do you have a man cave? If not think about coverting the garage or a spare room in the house. If you don't have the space do it physically, create a room of your own in a notebook or go to a bar (if you drink) every once in while. Start saving and take a "man-cation": deep sea fishing, Vegas, or a good old fashion road trip. Send the kids to your parents or in-laws during this time and let her take care of her house for the time being. Your time off shouldn't directed towards her and kids all the time, be responible for your well being.
If she dosent see it your way, complains about it being too much money and having a mid-life crisis, take her favorite lipstick and write "EGO BOOSTER" on the side of that wrangler. I think both of you want your marriage to work, you just need a shock to the system to come back together and stop being polar opposites. Once your happy with yourself and gain a little confidence back I think the silent treatment will stop, till then be happy and just laugh it off.
I feel as if everything is a landmine. If I do something hoping it will make her happy, she looks for the one item out of place to get pissed off at. Even the kids say it doesn't matter what we do, she's still going to be mad. At this point I'm ready to leave. I can't take it anymore. Yet, she is someone I love and up until a year ago, everything was fine, the usual ups and downs but this is a complete nightmare.
Then what is stopping you? I don't like to advocate for divorce, but if nothing is working, and you are ready to leave, do it. May be it will wake her up.
If you can't, then detach. Do the 180, look after yourself, separate the finances and demand proof when she says she needs money. Put all the expenses on the table and let her know what you will pay for. In the meantime, save up for the day you are ready to leave.
And move back to the bedroom. You did not do anything wrong, so don't slink off to the couch like you are being punished. If she does not like it, tell her to move.
Then what is stopping you? I don't like to advocate for divorce, but if nothing is working, and you are ready to leave, do it. May be it will wake her up.
If you can't, then detach. Do the 180, look after yourself, separate the finances and demand proof when she says she needs money. Put all the expenses on the table and let her know what you will pay for. In the meantime, save up for the day you are ready to leave.
And move back to the bedroom. You did not do anything wrong, so don't slink off to the couch like you are being punished. If she does not like it, tell her to move.
I'm going to step in for bandit.45 here.
As TAG says, you are taking your view of yourself from her. She's not having sex with you anyway, what the hell do you care what she says or thinks? Do a hard 180. You've likely given up all your individual pursuits and interests to "make her happy" and this is a fool's errand.
She's getting childcare and you're paying to do it.
I work 3 overnight 12.5 hour shifts so I am home for the kids everyday. She has a typical 9-5 job. With me being with her she was able to pull her two kids out of day care and has marched up the corporate ladder.
She is a walking rage machine, not just with me but with the kids as well. She comes home from work angry, she goes to work angry, She's angry all of the time. The more I do, the more the kids do to make her happy, she just finds something else to be angry about. It's absolutely insane living under these conditions. I walk on egg shells not knowing what will set her off.
Right now I pay her $1,000 a month. He ex pays her $650. The mortgage is $1,100.
She inherited over 800k from her parents and thats all in the bank.
the point is, when she wants to spend, there is no shortage of money. When it comes to the monthly bills, she claims there is always a shortage and she would like me to make that shortage up.
So, I assume she ALWAYS gave you the silent treatment when she was p.o.'d. I also assume you were privy to this "attractive" behavior while dating.
Here is what it is. She is selfish. She is a major beyotch. You are something she uses to allow her to keep her inheritance safe and her own paycheck.
So, you have a no-sex, rage machine on your hands. MC isn't helping. You are bending over backwards. That isn't helping. The kids are also suffering from her wrath.
How soon can you cut your losses, pack up your stuff, and get the heck outta there?
Leave her to her own misery, rage, or whatever mood she so desires. Let her count her money. My only feeling is for the children who have to live with this harpy. MEH!!!
how many times have she had to tell you not to wear sneakers in the house? 1 time, 5 times, 10 times, 100 times, 500 times, 1000 times?
How times have she had to tell you to take the lint out of the dryer?
How many times has she told you to do this or that?
If you're like a little kid that needs mommy to keep on reminding you what to do then I can understand why she's acting like a B. My wife was like that until I realized I was causing the problem. I already knew what had to be done but was an a-hole and only did it when she blew up.
Oh but I just forget. Once in a while then ok, but almost everytime, then you're at fault just as I was.
She doesn't need another kid to take care of, she needs a husband to help her.
It builds up slowly until they blow, it took my wife until a couple of years back to blow up on me. Yes I still forget to do it once in a while and I'll apologize profusely but then I make it up to her in other ways.
Remember, being biggest kid she has to take care of doesn't make a woman want to have sex with you or even be around you.
One thing that really worked for my wife and I was to write down all the things that bothered us in the relationship. We were brutally honest, and we wrote our own lists individually.
We then sat down together and went over them with the agreement that the one listening wouldn't get defensive or raise their voice. Just listen and be constructive and loving back. We tried to come up with 3 concrete things we were going to do for each of us to try and turn things around.
It definitely helped us, if for no other reason than to clear the air.
QUOTE=unbelievable;699632]What changed last February? Other than the fact that you have a child with her, doesn't sound like anyone I'd invest much time or effort in. Sounds like a hateful bat to me. She's getting help with bills and free child care. Are you getting anything positive out of this arrangement? "You, Sneakers Out NOW!" Are you freaking kidding me? I'd tell that pompous, sexless heifer just how many ways she could bite me.[/QUOTE]
What changed last February? I believe menopause had started. To date I have asked her three times if in fact menopause is causing the rage and she will not confirm she is going through it. When the MC finally asked her she said, "I am at that age."
I'm not getting anything positive out of this arrangement anymore, at least before all of this started there was emotional satisfaction, sexual satifaction etc., Now it's a living nightmare. It's cold and I always feel alone standing on quicksand.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Prodigal
So, I assume she ALWAYS gave you the silent treatment when she was p.o.'d. I also assume you were privy to this "attractive" behavior while dating.
Here is what it is. She is selfish. She is a major beyotch. You are something she uses to allow her to keep her inheritance safe and her own paycheck.
So, you have a no-sex, rage machine on your hands. MC isn't helping. You are bending over backwards. That isn't helping. The kids are also suffering from her wrath.
How soon can you cut your losses, pack up your stuff, and get the heck outta there?
Leave her to her own misery, rage, or whatever mood she so desires. Let her count her money. My only feeling is for the children who have to live with this harpy. MEH!!!
Yes the silent treatment has always been there but not as often or as long as they can go on for now. I see that she is selfish. I see the save the inheritance side of her, she keeps that seperate from the actual household bills. I see what you are saying that this side of her has always been there but not to the point it is now and I agree. Yet, we did have a great marriage up until last year. I could leave tomorrow but how does that save our marriage?
Quote:
Originally Posted by AFEH
It sounds to me like she’s trying to make it so uncomfortable for you that you’ll leave and she’ll divorce for desertion such that you wont get a settlement.
You are a financial dependent. Never a good thing that.
Yes I see this as well. As much as she says she doesn't want me to leave, her actions are saying otherwise. She's trying to squeeze me for more money which would then make me financially dependent. It seems like a control thing to me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cheatinghubby
I'm gonna play the other side.
how many times have she had to tell you not to wear sneakers in the house? 1 time, 5 times, 10 times, 100 times, 500 times, 1000 times?
How times have she had to tell you to take the lint out of the dryer?
How many times has she told you to do this or that?
If you're like a little kid that needs mommy to keep on reminding you what to do then I can understand why she's acting like a B. My wife was like that until I realized I was causing the problem. I already knew what had to be done but was an a-hole and only did it when she blew up.
Oh but I just forget. Once in a while then ok, but almost everytime, then you're at fault just as I was.
She doesn't need another kid to take care of, she needs a husband to help her.
It builds up slowly until they blow, it took my wife until a couple of years back to blow up on me. Yes I still forget to do it once in a while and I'll apologize profusely but then I make it up to her in other ways.
Remember, being biggest kid she has to take care of doesn't make a woman want to have sex with you or even be around you.
I appreciate you taking the devil's advocate role but the sneaker thing was a new rule initiated the week before. So this had only been the second time it was ever mentioned.
I do most of the laundry so I usually am the one who cleans out the lint tray but I had just done six loads of laundry before heading off to bed. She was the first one up and was putting her laundry into the dryer when she saw the lint.
If you read my first post I clearly state I do most of the household chores, take care of the kids, do the yard work, take the kids to their activities, not sure where you get the impression I am another child she needs to mommy? If anything, I am helping her a great deal by doing all of these things and I'm paying her to do it.
I'm certainly not saying I'm perfect. In a normal relationship I'm sure we all do things that piss off our partners, roommates or girlfriends. The question is about the normal reaction to these things. I don't think people go off into a flew blown rage over lint and stop talking for five weeks now. That is not, "Hey I TOLD you to clean the frigging clean the lint trap! How many fing times do I have to tell you!" Then it's forgotten about and you're back to talking again.
She has some serious issues going on and I can't figure out what the hell it is. Can menopause cause this much anger? I don't know. Last week, we are all getting ready to have dinner in the dining room. Our six year old sits in Mom's seat. Mom comes in to sit down, sees the six year old in her seat and goes and eats in the kitchen, even after I told her I moved the six year old and her seat is now open. She would not come into the dining room. It makes life really uncomfortable for me and all the kids when you see something like that. Now the other two kids are yelling at the six year old for making mom sit in the kitchen. The six year old leaves crying. Mom is sitting in the kitchen pouting that her seat was taken. That's just not normal. Everybody is doing everything to keep Mom happy but in the meantime we're turning into one huge dysfunctional family.
Sorry I couldn't quote everyone's response, I do appreciate all of the responses as I'm trying to come to grips with what I am dealing with and what I might have to deal with.
As for this being her nest. Yes! Yes! and Yes! Exactly. It is her nest and that is something she uses to keep me even more off balance. She asked me in MC if I would have anything more than I have now if I were living in an apartment? Because living in apartment a landlord isn't going to give you anything. So that's how it is huh? She's the landlord and I'm the tenant? It's part of the walking on egg shells thing. She can throw me out anytime she feels like it. She already said it to the kids in January while I was at work, she said she was sick of my **** and was going to throw me out. This was because the cable got cut off for non-payment. Now it's my fault the bill didn't get paid? Isn't that what my money is contributing to? Hell she threatened to throw her own daughter out because her daughter sat down with her to talk about why she came home angry everynight. So her answer to everything is to throw us all out? That's normal?
Some of you have suggested I do a 180. I don't know what that is but I can see it means do things to help yourself. Take yourself out of the situation. Have minimal contact with my wife. The thing about that, it seems like what she's already doing to me. So how does it help if now we both are pulling back?
The 180 is to help you protect your emotions from additional torture.
Something tells me you will hear how happy and talkative she really is when you plant a VAR (Voice Activated Recorder) under her car seat.
This tactic may either confirm or void her manapause. It just might be you and her family life that she hates. Often she may feel like she is sneaking out and is accusing you to justify her behavior.
I strongly suggest you go buy a VAR and some velcrow tape and plant it in her car. Alot can be answered when poeple think no ones listening.
I'm not saying she cheating, but she might be confiding with someone close and there by getting the real reason behind her anger.
She keeps the inheritance separate from the household finances, but it is still out in the open. What are the marital property laws in your state? Unless you have a pre-nup, everything you talk about is marital property (the house, the 800K inheritance, all of it). You might talk to a lawyer in order to find out. (Also, find out what the rules are regarding no-fault divorce in your state).
Now, it sounds like you don't want a divorce and, believe me, I am rooting for the long term success of your marriage. I'm just thinking that you need to get things on more even terms.
If you knew and SHE knew that 1/2 of what she thinks of as *hers* could actually be *yours*, then that puts things on a different footing. You would have to play this carefully in MC, but you might bring up a proposition. Unless she starts treating you like an equal partner in this marriage - and stops this emotional abuse, you will end the marriage and walk off with your fair share - 1/2 of everything.
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I'm ready to give up. 
