Sometimes men find things that are actually comfortable to wear quite sexy.
So instead of a nightie (if he's taller/bigger than you), try wearing one of his t-shirts or a comfortable button up shirt with a few extra buttons open up top.
Still covers as much, and is still comfortable and is a lot more sexy. Talk to your hubby... who knows what he might like as a compromise.
The history that I have with my wife is a veritable rose garden compared to what I picked up from your threads. So, it may not mean much for me to say that, even if my wife was wearing a burlap sack and had twigs snarled in her hair, I'd jump right into bed with her when she said "Hey, big boy..."
All of that aside, I have one serious comment. I do think your husband was deflecting. I think he was deflecting because he has a hard time dealing with the issue and sometimes (and maybe especially at that time), your history together just weighs on him.
Thanks everyone...I'd have to say I pretty much agree with almost everyone that responded (and I appreciate your time) - I too think maybe he is just deflecting on me.
Due to his TBI and PTSD and the prior stroke and everything my hubby is just really messed up emotionally and physically. The last 3.5 years since the TBI has been challenging, to say the least.
I'm still learning how to deal with the different issues I get hit with and this was just the latest in a long string of issues that pop up more infrequently now than before.
We are both under considerable stress at the moment as our home flooded last month and we lost everything. We're covered by insurance but there is a lot of stress in rebuilding (both the external home and internal possessions). He has been stressed with the uncertainty and the fact that everything is topsy-turvey and I'm working FT and going to school FT and dealing with the mess also - so we're both on edge.
Things have been really good (with the exception of sex but it's been an issue for a while since the TBI), but the stress of the flood has caused some tension and we've had a few fights and this was brought up in the middle of one (fight was about something else of course).
Anyway...I was having a hard time understanding "exactly" what he was looking for as he isn't very good at explaining himself--a lot of generalized statements and I have to figure it out.
Again, I appreciate the responses and really appreciate those that held back from bashing his motives as I have enough stress right now as it is.
My wife and I have are usual comfy clothes after work and that works for us,but I do like to see her in sexy stuff at bed time 3 or 4 times a month and of course it only stays on for a few minutes but I am a very visual person so that works.
Why not go to the mall with you husband and you pick out some comfortable sexy stuff for him you like and he does the same for you,but it has to be stuff you can lay around the house in also.
Hubby and I were talking about our continued issue about enough sex (read my other past threads...medical issues, etc.), and he said, well look at you - how do you expect me to find that attractive? (no bashing here, he wasn't trying to be mean, just trying to get a point across)
It doesn't look like it requires much decoding to me. Sounds like he said exactly what he meant. He didn't find your current outfit attractive. Am I missing something?
Quote:
I looked in the mirror and I had recently come home from work so hair was still done, make-up still on. I had changed into a house nightgown (no holes, not ratty and it fit), and some slippers. I thought I looked fine so I said so.
*nods* So there's the rub. You two have a difference of opinion regarding fashion.
Quote:
He said he needed me to look attractive to which I responded, what in garters, silk stockings and edible underwear?
... a clearly hostile and argumentative response.
Quote:
Am I supposed to look like a stripper whenever I'm home? Can I not have any downtime without being told I look undesirable?
Your extremist comments make me believe your highly defensive over this.
Honestly, I don't know where to go with this. It's really simple yet you apparently cannot comprehend. So the simple blow by blow:
From reading your posts before and this one, I have always felt you are your husband reflection of himself. You are his mirror. How he may feel about you or the things he says to you etc, are a reflection of how he feels/sees himself. Try not to take some of the things he says personally, even though I'm sure thats hard to not do.
From reading your posts before and this one, I have always felt you are your husband reflection of himself. You are his mirror. How he may feel about you or the things he says to you etc, are a reflection of how he feels/sees himself. Try not to take some of the things he says personally, even though I'm sure thats hard to not do.
This.
My husband tells me this all the time. He takes slight offense if I am not in a good mood and just look like I am unhappy with him when we are out in public. He also would like me to dress a little nicer around the house to show that I am trying to be attractive for him. I have a favorite pair of ratty jeans and an old tshirt of his that I like to wear around the house. But it's not attractive for him to see me in it every day, day in and day out....it makes him feel that I am not trying or putting in as much effort as he is to look nice and attractive for me.
No disrespect, but by trying to decode what he's saying, you're thinking like a woman. He's a man, whatever his statement was is most likely exactly what he meant. Using "Manspeak" or any type of coded language is taxing and your husband probably wasn't thinking that far in advance.
It doesn't sound like he was calling you ugly or anything harsh like that, just saying that if you're dressed in regular clothes, he's not gonna get any extraordinary sexual urges. What exactly that means in terms of what you could or should wear is totally up to your husband's taste.
It doesn't look like it requires much decoding to me. Sounds like he said exactly what he meant. He didn't find your current outfit attractive. Am I missing something?
*nods* So there's the rub. You two have a difference of opinion regarding fashion.
... a clearly hostile and argumentative response.
Your extremist comments make me believe your highly defensive over this.
Honestly, I don't know where to go with this. It's really simple yet you apparently cannot comprehend. So the simple blow by blow:
He wants one thing.
You want another.
Both of you are fighting dirty.
No, he pretty much said what he meant, but didn't "explain" what he found attractive, just what he didn't, hence confusion.
Response wasn't made to him. I made it on the forum only (it was what I was thinking, wasn't actually verbally expressed to him).
Defensive, sure I can support that. Manner of delivery usually equals the manner of receipt. He was sitting there in a t-shirt and shorts with two days worth of growth on his face--you didn't hear me tell him he didn't look attractive. Truth is truth - I get that - but uncouth is uncouth. After 28+ years you would think he would understand what "type" of delivery works and what doesn't--this one doesn't.
I understood - I don't think you look attractive right now. Ok, then tell me why (details) - generalized comments do nothing for him or me. Can't correct what you don't know.
You're response shows a blunt method of delivery. That's his problem and apparently yours too - that method does not work with everyone and doesn't work FOR ME.
You're response shows a blunt method of delivery. That's his problem and apparently yours too - that method does not work with everyone and doesn't work FOR ME.
sometimes yes, sometimes no.
Let me try again. It is clear that his statements are hurtful to you... and they ought to be. It's also clear that you resent him holding you to higher visual appearance standards than he holds himself to. You have every right to be aggravated. I'm going to speculate that there's a lot more under the covers that you are angry at... ditto with him.
But what did you hope to learn from this thread? Surely no guy here can tell you what's going on in his head. I find Carol sexy in all manner of things... everything from playboy lingerie to rope bondage to a tank-top and panties to... well.. all over the map.
Honestly, somehow or another, one of you needs to take their finger off the trigger. When I find myself in such situations, I assume that person better be me since I don't really want to wait for Carol to do it. Perhaps you could dress up in something you DO know he likes at some quiet time when you two are feeling reasonably close then ask him something like:
Honey? How do you like this outfit? Do you have any clues on what other things you might like? What sorts of things would you find attractive that still fit into a non-bedroom mode? Let's go to the store this weekend and browse "house outfits" and see what we can find? Come on, it'll be fun and you'll get to see me model it all when we get home!
I'd suggest you try to decouple your own anger points from the conversation... discuss those at some later date. In general I don't think it works very well to have two people batting their anger back and forth at each other. If you want him to be less slovenly then you can bring that up after you've made him happy. Yup, that's not fair or reasonable. But it may work.
Wow, maybe I am the odd man out here (not unusual around here) but I have to disagree with Mistys Dad.
I really could care less what you are wearing, if you are attractive to me, you are attractive to me regardless of what you are wearing. Of course I am much more attracted to natural beauty than all that caked on BS anyway..
TOTALLY!!!
When you claim to love someone you love them in everyway and shape ..
It doesn't matter if they're naked, dressed up, dressed down, t-shirt/jeans, lingerie, messy or tidy.
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Re: What Does He Mean? 
This.
