Re: The Path to Sexlessness
While your focus is on what leads to a sexless marriage, it's what leads to a disconnected marriage. Whether they're one and the same is up to the couple.
I read your OP twice. I'll admit I don't always feel on the same page as you MEM, but I do always take interest in your thoughts. I read this over and yes, you have nailed some great points for what leads to disconnection. Usually these are things that just slowly formulate and if one isn't careful or aware, patterns are formed. I do believe behavior can change with awareness and will/discipline.
I could certainly have ticked a few of your points last year but would I have been in the head space to have seen how it related to me and my behaviors? Probably not. I had to get beyond my own stance first to even start understanding the part I played. I remember when we were in the thick of it, my husband told me he was working on his own issues for himself and if it meant it helped us too, then great, but regardless, he was working on himself. Once I finally got my head out of my ass, I saw how my behavior was affecting and contributing to where we were at.
Sexually, our dynamic is more than back on track. I'm seeing a side to him that I've wanted to see, that had likely been there all along but Id only partially experienced, which in turn inspires me even more. I recently said to him how much I loved how he was during a sexual interaction, and he replied that he feels comfortable with me, and that he can be that way with me. This is so different to where we were at last year.
Looking back on what we've changed: he's dealt with childhood issues, set boundaries with me, he's communicating his needs clearly to me when I start missing the boat, he's aware of his behavior and listens to what I need, he's allowed himself to be more open with me. I've realized how important meeting each others needs are, I've stopped taking him for granted (I see now that I was slightly), I don't feel the need to defend my position - I listen and really try to understand what he needs (I see this differently to having disagreements), I'm more aware of his insecurities and as his wife what that means to consider for his perspective (does that make sense?). But relationships are also a constant shade of grey, so while I can list these things I could quite easily list all the good we still had. However a disconnect is a disconnect and it's what needs to be focused on to help the life of the marriage if it's what both people want.
We've always been affectionate and intimate, and while not sexless, our sex life had become strained. We were still kissing and all that jazz. He also found out he was slightly LD, but I see now it was more than that. It's one thing to read posts, it's another to apply to one's own life and do the work. It's far easier to not have to challenge yourself, to not face truths about yourself, and continue to lose each others sound. But, reading these types of posts can be helpful. I feel I have gained insight through these boards and threads such as these. And obviously this is just the start of a renewed perspective for me, but I'm grateful for where I'm at in this so far. I do feel I've learned a lot about myself in this whole thing. "Relationship is existence".
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