The Path to Sexlessness - Page 2
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Old 04-29-2012, 06:21 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Path to Sexlessness

Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM11363 View Post
T,
That is really funny that your H and I did the same thing in terms of sex in the beginning of the relationship.

I get your point about certain types of people being inherently "off". Those folks are very hard to help. I have seen so many posts on here where the poster talks about how "kissing" stopped being part of their sexual routine many years ago.

And I think - how could that possibly happen. How could someone let that happen? Would your husband even survive an encounter with you if he said:
We can have sex, but hurry it up and oh by the way you can't kiss me?

Would he survive saying EITHER of those things to you?
Uh...no! I would feel rejected and wonder why the hell he was with me if he didn't want my mouth on his. With my personality, I'm pretty sure it would have been over as soon as it began, but even being the LD in the relationship, intimacy through sex is extremely important to me and always has been. If he didn't want me, I would feel truly, truly heart broken and terrible.
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Old 04-29-2012, 06:25 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Path to Sexlessness

While your focus is on what leads to a sexless marriage, it's what leads to a disconnected marriage. Whether they're one and the same is up to the couple.

I read your OP twice. I'll admit I don't always feel on the same page as you MEM, but I do always take interest in your thoughts. I read this over and yes, you have nailed some great points for what leads to disconnection. Usually these are things that just slowly formulate and if one isn't careful or aware, patterns are formed. I do believe behavior can change with awareness and will/discipline.

I could certainly have ticked a few of your points last year but would I have been in the head space to have seen how it related to me and my behaviors? Probably not. I had to get beyond my own stance first to even start understanding the part I played. I remember when we were in the thick of it, my husband told me he was working on his own issues for himself and if it meant it helped us too, then great, but regardless, he was working on himself. Once I finally got my head out of my ass, I saw how my behavior was affecting and contributing to where we were at.

Sexually, our dynamic is more than back on track. I'm seeing a side to him that I've wanted to see, that had likely been there all along but Id only partially experienced, which in turn inspires me even more. I recently said to him how much I loved how he was during a sexual interaction, and he replied that he feels comfortable with me, and that he can be that way with me. This is so different to where we were at last year.

Looking back on what we've changed: he's dealt with childhood issues, set boundaries with me, he's communicating his needs clearly to me when I start missing the boat, he's aware of his behavior and listens to what I need, he's allowed himself to be more open with me. I've realized how important meeting each others needs are, I've stopped taking him for granted (I see now that I was slightly), I don't feel the need to defend my position - I listen and really try to understand what he needs (I see this differently to having disagreements), I'm more aware of his insecurities and as his wife what that means to consider for his perspective (does that make sense?). But relationships are also a constant shade of grey, so while I can list these things I could quite easily list all the good we still had. However a disconnect is a disconnect and it's what needs to be focused on to help the life of the marriage if it's what both people want.

We've always been affectionate and intimate, and while not sexless, our sex life had become strained. We were still kissing and all that jazz. He also found out he was slightly LD, but I see now it was more than that. It's one thing to read posts, it's another to apply to one's own life and do the work. It's far easier to not have to challenge yourself, to not face truths about yourself, and continue to lose each others sound. But, reading these types of posts can be helpful. I feel I have gained insight through these boards and threads such as these. And obviously this is just the start of a renewed perspective for me, but I'm grateful for where I'm at in this so far. I do feel I've learned a lot about myself in this whole thing. "Relationship is existence".
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Old 04-29-2012, 06:46 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Path to Sexlessness

Heartsbeating,
That is an inspiring post.

Sometimes a "strained" sex life is a reflection of the relationship. Sometimes it is just the reality of our bodies aging. When I "let myself go" physically, and became very passive about the day to day, our sex life became strained because my W's desire was impaired and she was resentful I was being lazy and mildly checked out. We limped along on commitment.

Now the outside the bedroom part is great. And that is carrying the marriage because the sexual part is so very one sided.


Quote:
Originally Posted by heartsbeating View Post
While your focus is on what leads to a sexless marriage, it's what leads to a disconnected marriage. Whether they're one and the same is up to the couple.

I read your OP twice. I'll admit I don't always feel on the same page as you MEM, but I do always take interest in your thoughts. I read this over and yes, you have nailed some great points for what leads to disconnection. Usually these are things that just slowly formulate and if one isn't careful or aware, patterns are formed. I do believe behavior can change with awareness and will/discipline.

I could certainly have ticked a few of your points last year but would I have been in the head space to have seen how it related to me and my behaviors? Probably not. I had to get beyond my own stance first to even start understanding the part I played. I remember when we were in the thick of it, my husband told me he was working on his own issues for himself and if it meant it helped us too, then great, but regardless, he was working on himself. Once I finally got my head out of my ass, I saw how my behavior was affecting and contributing to where we were at.

Sexually, our dynamic is more than back on track. I'm seeing a side to him that I've wanted to see, that had likely been there all along but Id only partially experienced, which in turn inspires me even more. I recently said to him how much I loved how he was during a sexual interaction, and he replied that he feels comfortable with me, and that he can be that way with me. This is so different to where we were at last year.

Looking back on what we've changed: he's dealt with childhood issues, set boundaries with me, he's communicating his needs clearly to me when I start missing the boat, he's aware of his behavior and listens to what I need, he's allowed himself to be more open with me. I've realized how important meeting each others needs are, I've stopped taking him for granted (I see now that I was slightly), I don't feel the need to defend my position - I listen and really try to understand what he needs (I see this differently to having disagreements), I'm more aware of his insecurities and as his wife what that means to consider for his perspective (does that make sense?). But relationships are also a constant shade of grey, so while I can list these things I could quite easily list all the good we still had. However a disconnect is a disconnect and it's what needs to be focused on to help the life of the marriage if it's what both people want.

We've always been affectionate and intimate, and while not sexless, our sex life had become strained. We were still kissing and all that jazz. He also found out he was slightly LD, but I see now it was more than that. It's one thing to read posts, it's another to apply to one's own life and do the work. It's far easier to not have to challenge yourself, to not face truths about yourself, and continue to lose each others sound. But, reading these types of posts can be helpful. I feel I have gained insight through these boards and threads such as these. And obviously this is just the start of a renewed perspective for me, but I'm grateful for where I'm at in this so far. I do feel I've learned a lot about myself in this whole thing. "Relationship is existence".
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Old 04-29-2012, 06:51 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Path to Sexlessness

Exactly. And that is a very healthy reaction to cold, almost hostile behavior from your spouse.

Generally I have the rule of 3. For little stuff, and most stuff is little, I might express mild disapproval the first time or two. But hit the third time in a short period and I say: "THIS is turning into a pattern and that is not going to fly. And I point out the 3 times". Works well. Doing that on the first event is being high maintenance. NOT doing it on the third event is being a doormat.

But the no kissing, the hurry up and get it over with. That isn't small. It requires response the first time.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Trenton View Post
Uh...no! I would feel rejected and wonder why the hell he was with me if he didn't want my mouth on his. With my personality, I'm pretty sure it would have been over as soon as it began, but even being the LD in the relationship, intimacy through sex is extremely important to me and always has been. If he didn't want me, I would feel truly, truly heart broken and terrible.
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