Hello. Can I please get a couple opinions on what my husbands behavior means? Let me preface this by saying that we have both hurt each other in the past, so trust, though dealt with as best as possible, I feel is probably an invisible undercurrent that is always there. So, here is the problem. He is a wonderful man, treats me nice, wonderful father and provider. The problem is I need more "oneness" more "closeness" than I'm getting from him. He goes about "his" life and seems to always be happy. My problem is, I'm not included in his life. No matter how many times we have talked (and its been many) and I've told him how I feel, nothing seems to change. He stays the same no matter what, carrying on with "his" life. When he gets off of work, he is busy outside until dark. Doing things sometimes that we could do together but he does it all by himself. He always takes the time to sit down and listen to me when I ask him if we can "talk" but it is "always" me initiating the talk. I suspect he subconsciously, or maybe consciously, won't let himself get close again because of the past. So I guess my actual question is, if he knows I want to spend more time with him, that I want to be closer, but no matter what, he never has time for me, he is sending me a silent message.....right? For whatever his reason is, he simply does not want to be closer to me.....right? Thanks for any opinions I get.
if he knows I want to spend more time with him, that I want to be closer, but no matter what, he never has time for me, he is sending me a silent message.....right? For whatever his reason is, he simply does not want to be closer to me.....right? Thanks for any opinions I get.
I don't think that's the message.
I'm a very independent person. I like my alone time. I like listening to music, playing my guitar, working out, etc., all by myself. I still desire to feel close to my SO; but my idea of close doesn't entail being around her X number of hours a day.
I suppose I may bring this attitude towards relationships because of my father; he spent months overseas, away from my mother, at times. He built an office, complete with a workout facility, on our property about an acre behind our house and spent hours there.
My parents are still married after 30 years. They seem very happy together.
Some people are more independent. It's not a message, IMO.
Thank you all for your replies. So even though he may not be trying to purposely send me a message, by default that IS what he is telling me. I agree with your suggestions and sadly that is my plan, though I'm afraid we will grow even further apart. I just don't understand men and why they don't want to be close. The closeness I'm talking about can only come from your spouse. Thanks.
Thank you all for your replies. So even though he may not be trying to purposely send me a message, by default that IS what he is telling me. I agree with your suggestions and sadly that is my plan, though I'm afraid we will grow even further apart. I just don't understand men and why they don't want to be close. The closeness I'm talking about can only come from your spouse. Thanks.
Unfortunately it's not just men who have a monopoly on not wanting to be close. Sometimes it's the man who wants to be closer to a wife who wants more space.
Now I don't mean to cause you unnecessary alarm, but is there a chance he's being unfaithful to you?
Life has taught me there is always that chance, but no, I don't think so. Can you tell me why would a man not ask what is wrong or try to make things better when clearly, his wife is unhappy and pulling away? Because he doesn't care?
Maybe he thinks you are not going to change your behavior.
He knows you. Your not going to do what we are suggesting.
By doing what we are suggesting, you will pull away from him and get stronger. He most likely will notice.
So.....he wants me to move further away from him which will make me stronger (without him) THEN he will want to be close to me? The thing is, if I get stronger in myself, without him, I'm afraid I won't want to be close to him. I want him and I to be stronger! I do think I get your point though. We ALL need to be as strong as possible in ourselves to have the best relationship possible, but am I wrong for wanting that "soul mate" feeling? Thanks
I suspect his resentment is very deeply embedded into him, and now while he is respectful he might be emotionally divorced from you.
Again just a theory, but he may just be going on with his life.
He may feel that working things out with you may be: pointless, too painful, and/or not worth the effort. It could be many many other things too.
Unfortunately w/o more to go on it's hard to say.
Your words are exactly what I fear. Do you think its harder for a man than a woman, to see where that behavior ultimately ends up? You drift further and further apart until one of you is so vulnerable you fall. I think thats what I'm trying to figure out. Does he just not care if that happens and doesn't believe it can happen? Do you think men are kind of blinded to what distance does to a woman? Thanks for you input.
You are also over thinking this whole reaction thing.
Develop a hobby, get into it. Be with girl friends, go do stuff with them.
It will get you stronger.
Can I ask you something Dean? What exactly makes you say that I am not strong? I agree with what you have said but since you don't know me, what have I said that tells you that I'm not strong? Do all men perceive wanting to be close to their husband as being weak?
Unfortunately there's no universal answer to any of your questions.
I will say though that I agree with Dean that you need to get a bit more focus on developing a life/friendships for yourself. He probably feels that you are being clingy, and you trying to be more "clingy" (close) will only drive him further away.
I will say that men are every bit as capable of working through resentment as women. Though the speed at which that happens (or if it will ever happen), is completely up to the individual.
I tend to be a person who is eager to forgive. So for me resentment melts away faster than for some. For some other (male) friends of mine... well resentment is like this black cloud that will hang over everything in their life. It just depends on the individual.
I just don't think it's anything beyond the fact that he's just more independent-minded than you.
Let's say he *literally* wanted to be next to you every minute of every day. Literally. He wanted to be with you when you went to the bathroom, when you sit by yourself to read a book, when you go out with your friends to have a drink, etc.
I can't imagine you'd be comfortable with this. No one would be.
And he said "I just don't understand why you don't need to be close to me!"
You'd think to yourself: "I don't need you around me literally EVERY minute of EVERY day to feel close!"
That's how he feels. He doesn't need to spend X amount of hours around you a day to feel close. He loves you and feels close to you if he's with you only Y hours a day.
In your example: If I did that to my wife, she would do nothing for me.
No talking to me, no watching TV with me, No cooking for me, wouldn't be in same room,
no doing my clothes. I would get the cold shoulder from her.
She would get on with her life. Be with her girl friends more. Plan things without me.
She would not let me treat her like that.
I would notice this really quick. Try and turn it around. Try and win back my wife's heart. She is a strong woman.
With you husband it will likely take more time.
You need to get into hobbies, do things with the girls, etc.
Your husband could also just be a man that like's and needs his space.
Sometimes spending to much time together is a bad thing.
Sometimes being apart helps.
Dean, I appreciate your input, (everyone's input) and I am going to take you all's advice and start doing things with friends. Your reaction to your wife Dean, is exactly what I would expect. Believe it or not, I don't smother my husband. I say very little to him. Ask very little of him. It's like I have tried both ways and no matter what he stays on his road doing his own thing. I think if I did everything you mentioned your wife would do, I still would not get a reaction out of him. He might ask what's wrong but regardless of my answer he would turn and get right back on his road. Either way, I thank you all for your input because you have convinced me what I already knew I have to do.......you just really clarified things for me. Now I just have to figure out what I want to do Thanks!
if he knows I want to spend more time with him, that I want to be closer, but no matter what, he never has time for me, he is sending me a silent message.....right? For whatever his reason is, he simply does not want to be closer to me.....right? Thanks for any opinions I get.
Yes, he is sending you a message but you are probably not translating it correctly. His message is that he feels unable to honor your request. For whatever reason. Do you two go out on dates together? I bet you did before you were married. If there have been some bumps that is all the more reason you should be dating each other now. At least once a month, preferably once a week. This should get you some quality time along with some fun and entertainment. Maybe you could develop a passionate interest in professional sports?
Is your husband the product of a broken family? If so, perhaps he has lived his life prior to marrying you being alone with no real family experience to learn from. A guy growing up without a father present in his life will often seclude himself from others unless he is asked to do some particular task.
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Is my husband answering me by his actions? 
Thanks!
