Husband cheated before we got married & i WANT A MANS INPUT
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Old 05-02-2012, 05:12 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Husband cheated before we got married & i WANT A MANS INPUT

BACKGROUND-My husband and I dated 3 years before we got married. The entire time we were long distant. He lived in Florida and I lived in Washington due to our jobs. We then got engaged in which 3 months later we were married and relocated to California for his job. Now 2 years into the marriage I have a baby and am pregnant with twins.

I recently found old emails and pictures of him and other women. When I confronted my husband he denied it but when I threatened divorce he confessed to sleeping with other women up until 2 months before we married. I'm crushed! Do people leave a marriage for things that happened before the marriage??? I do believe he has not cheated since we have been married and I do believe he is sincerely wanting to make our marriage work any way he can...but should I believe once a cheater always a cheater??? I love him so much and he has been a wonderful father and amazing husband....but will I ever be enough for him?? Is a man capable of not cheating even if he was a cheater before hand? Should he be trusted now simply because we are married??? PLEASE HELP! The twin pregnancy makes things even harder
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Old 05-02-2012, 05:16 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated before we got married & i WANT A MANS INPUT

You were engaged - that's just as much of a commitment as marriage, unless you had told him he had your permission to screw whomever he pleased up until the wedding day??

There are many things he needs to do now. HE CHEATED and HE has a TON of work to do if your marriage is to survive. He has to prove to you that he is worthy of you remaining married to him. He must be truly remorseful or it will NOT work. Only if he proves to you that he IS truly remorseful should you then decide if you want to stay married to him.

There are a ton on links in the Coping With Infidelity forum you need to go and read.

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Old 05-02-2012, 05:18 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated before we got married & i WANT A MANS INPUT

I don't think it's too much to expect your husband to be faithful to you while engaged. I think it's basically semantics at that point to say... well baby we weren't technically married.

If you want to save the marriage then you need to get some counselling.

If you don't, IMO you are justified in divorcing him... or even getting an annulment (depending on the laws where you live).

Edit; Like Hope said, there's some very good help in the Infidelity section of the forums.
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Old 05-02-2012, 06:10 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated before we got married & i WANT A MANS INPUT

A confession extracted under a serious enough threat may or may not be reliable. Some things, before marriage, would be deal breakers. I guess each of us decide where our limits are. I don't entirely believe the adage "once a cheater always a cheater". I'm more today than I was before I married my wife. I think that's the whole point of marriage; that you've met someone who makes you want to be a better person; who shows you possibilities in yourself you never knew existed. You wanted a great husband and a great father. By your admission, that's what you have. There are no saints.
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Old 05-02-2012, 07:06 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated before we got married & i WANT A MANS INPUT

Whether or not "once a cheater always a cheater" is correct or not is a personal philosophy and is hotly debated here. My personal opinion - as a cheater (full disclosure) - is no. There are certainly people that are incapable of being faithful, but one transgression does prove that true IMO.

Having said that - don't believe the words he is saying - cheaters lie. There is no statue of limitations on cheating - the clock just started running when you brought it to light. So despite the fact that the cheating was several years ago (are we sure he's not still) he's doing damage control - it's almost guaranteed. Listen only to what his actions tell you and what your instinct tells you.

Additionally you are not wrong to feel betrayed. Engaged = the emotional commitment is made and the paperwork just isn't done. It's a technicality, and if he hangs his hat on it he's a weenie.

Finally - agree with others - get over to CWI.
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Old 05-02-2012, 07:25 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated before we got married & i WANT A MANS INPUT

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When I confronted my husband he denied it but when I threatened divorce he confessed to sleeping with other women up until 2 months before we married.
And did he say he thought it was ok for him to cheat? Like he didn't see anything wrong with it? Did he explain WHY he was sleeping with many other women (and putting your health at risk for STD's)?

Does he see anything wrong with it now?

If he's defending his cheating, saying he didn't think it was a big deal even though you were dating exclusively and were engaged, he will cheat on you again one day. People who don't believe how screwed up their behavior was just don't see anything wrong it. If they don't see anything wrong with it, they have little incentive (morals, ethics) not to do it.
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Old 05-02-2012, 09:55 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated before we got married & i WANT A MANS INPUT

2 months before marriage is not marriage. Thus the word BEFORE. he cheated yes but let's not make World War 3 over something he did before taking his Vows. He has been Faithful NOW , Goood Husband NOW, and u have 2 babies NOW ..... let the past go. Move forward NOW !!!
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Old 05-02-2012, 10:08 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Stop it sounds to me you are losing yourself. You don't know if he is as good as you say because the sample size (total time you have been married is to short). What hard times have you had in your short marriage? What were the "REASONS" he says he cheated? You had to snoop and threaten divorce to find out "he will (is going to) manipulate you. Sucks because you love him and HE Knows it. Ask the hard questions why did he cheat? What happens when he gets board? Why did his previous relationship end? Does he still have contact with any other the women he cheated with? Does he lie to you? Are you fully integrated into his life of something to use when he needs it? People seldom change the just get to old and tired of the consequences of their fool hearted actions. Did he cheat with multiple people? In my personal opinion you have some soul searching to do....
Whose idea was it to start a family? Did he want to trap you?
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Old 05-02-2012, 10:12 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated before we got married & i WANT A MANS INPUT

There are different phases in a relationship before marriage.

Just dating is one thing.... no one has made a commitment.

Engaged with a wedding date planned…. That’s a commitment.

And he slept with other women through it all. You cannot let this go. This has to be treated like infidelity because he cheated after he made a very serious promise to you.

My ex2 did the same thing. We had a long distance relationship. He carried on with other women the entire time we were dating long distance. Even for the year we were engaged long distance… yes even after he gave me the engagement ring. I cheated up until the weekend before we married.

Did not find out about this until a year after we were married. He continued his on-line relationships with other women and even had flings with them when he traveled for his job.

Once he gave that up he withdrew into his computer, online games and cybersex.

How did you meet your husband? Via some internet site? You might want to keep a very close eye on his computer usage. Does he spend a lot of time online?
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Old 05-03-2012, 12:31 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated before we got married & i WANT A MANS INPUT

In my opinion he should have told you what he did before you both made vows to give you the time to think about everything before making this lifetime commitment. I have been dating my bf for about 11 months now and I also found tons of emails and craiglist ads and naked pictures etc etc. He had been doing it all along. He has always treated me well, I wouldn't have expected such actions out of him. Since you two have tied the knot and have children, I would recommend counseling and lots of it. Ever since I found all of the stuff my bf did I have had issues trusting him. I often find myself wanting to snoop.. It's very unhealthy. Think about it, If it was an outsider what advice would you give to them.
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Old 05-03-2012, 12:53 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated before we got married & i WANT A MANS INPUT

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Originally Posted by ahhnold View Post
2 months before marriage is not marriage. Thus the word BEFORE. he cheated yes but let's not make World War 3 over something he did before taking his Vows. He has been Faithful NOW , Goood Husband NOW, and u have 2 babies NOW ..... let the past go. Move forward NOW !!!
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He took away her ability to make an informed choice about her own life. He cheated throughout their relationship, and he deliberately withheld the truth so that she would marry him. He manipulated her, and took away her ability to choose whether she wanted a man like that in her life at all, much less forever.

Now? She's got two babies on the way and is stuck with a marriage he lied her into. He is just now showing her the man he REALLY is and has been all along. Now, after he tricked her into marrying him.

That's not just something that she can or should sweep under the rug, bygones.
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Old 05-03-2012, 04:23 AM   #12 (permalink)
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He took away her ability to make an informed choice about her own life. He cheated throughout their relationship, and he deliberately withheld the truth so that she would marry him. He manipulated her, and took away her ability to choose whether she wanted a man like that in her life at all, much less forever.

Now? She's got two babies on the way and is stuck with a marriage he lied her into. He is just now showing her the man he REALLY is and has been all along. Now, after he tricked her into marrying him.

That's not just something that she can or should sweep under the rug, bygones.
She wanted a man's opinion so i gave her a Man's opinion. I don't hold on to things in the past and make them into a Memorial. if i were in her shoes i sweep it under the rug and move on but i make it crystal clear there will be tight boundaries from here on out and it happen one more time then that is it. we be done.
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Old 05-03-2012, 11:03 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated before we got married & i WANT A MANS INPUT

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Originally Posted by ahhnold View Post
2 months before marriage is not marriage. Thus the word BEFORE. he cheated yes but let's not make World War 3 over something he did before taking his Vows. He has been Faithful NOW , Goood Husband NOW, and u have 2 babies NOW ..... let the past go. Move forward NOW !!!
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Ridiculous.

If her husband thinks this way, she needs to divorce him. She has no way of knowing WHAT her husband has been up to since. For all she knows, he's kept it up. He needs to prove otherwise. PROVE. Not just say.
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Old 05-03-2012, 02:40 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated before we got married & i WANT A MANS INPUT

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Originally Posted by maggie1 View Post
Is a man capable of not cheating even if he was a cheater before hand? Should he be trusted now simply because we are married??? PLEASE HELP! The twin pregnancy makes things even harder
My father cheated on my mother... left the house... shacked up with the other woman... the whole 9 yards. My mother and father are still married... I think it was 65 years this year. So the answer to the question is "yes, some men are capable of that". That's a no-brainer. Whether or not YOUR man is capable of it is an entirely different question.
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Old 05-03-2012, 03:34 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated before we got married & i WANT A MANS INPUT

I think for the sake of your kids you should give him the chance to prove he is not a cheater. But the rules of your marriage should change in that he must live in a very open manner (willingly and happily).
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