tell your wife "Honey, I know you feel that I don't do enough around the house to help you out and that's a concern to me. I did a little reading about this and came across this idea of doing a chore chart to help sort this out" Then explain the process that was laid out earlier by another poster.
I don't want to cheat... but it would be nice to feel like a Man again.
OMG. you DO sound like my hubby.
DO NOT go there.
Here's what my husband wrote to me in a letter I keep in my purse.
"If I could go back in time to 2009, I would tell myself that I need to stand up and tell you how I feel about our relationship back then with all of its warts. I probably would have punched myself in the face if I did not listen carefully. As bad as it was then, it was about to get much worse for all of us. What I did back then was selfish and short sighted. I know now that I will never do this again as the things that I did scarred us for the rest of our lives. I did not feel loved back then, and was searching for something that was right under my nose."
I've given up shooting guns, camping, wheeling, motorcycle riding, pretty much everything I used to do. I'm not sure what else I can do - other than just say 'yes mamm!' (thanks to Al Bundy... one of my favorite quotes!)
You are enabling all of this bad behavior. Stop it yesterday.
Start putting yourself first. Don't clean, don't cook, stop it all and let things fall apart. Pay your bills etc, but don't help anyone. Take the extra money and start shooting, hunting etc. Make yourself happy first. Watch your world descend into a brief period of chaos and then, like magic, order will appear and you won't be carrying the piano and the bar stool.
Quote:
Originally Posted by step_raising
I don't want to cheat... but it would be nice to feel like a Man again.
What gave you the idea that handing your wife your "ba!!s" was a good idea? Take them back, insert and start acting like a Man. You will be amazed.
Go read the Man Up sticky. As Yoda would say, "all solvable problems you have." The operative word is you - they are all your problems and you can fix them.
Weekly date nite, tell her she looks nice in the mornings, Cook her breakfast in bed on Sundays, take the kids to the park or walk for an hour on Saturday. It's the little things that she wants. I love when my husband steals the neighbor's rose and bring it to me when he comes from work.
Hmmm, sounds good (and I'm sure his wife would agree). But, (and this is a serious if somewhat rhetorical question) what should he stop doing now in order to make that happen?
When the complaints include "not doing enough for the family" I tend to think that the problem is not just about the marriage connection. This sounds like a lady who wishes she had more money, had a nicer home, did not have to work so much, etc.
Given that the OP is stretched to the limit, asking him to do more is a tough sell. Even if his wife likes the new things, the things that don't get done are going to cause her to continue to complain.
What the OP needs to do is have a sit-down with his wife, establish some basic concepts for addressing household wants and needs, and then fit his wife's wishes and such within that framework.
ETA: Whatever the reasons are, this smells like the OP's wife is unhappy about stuff that has nothing to do with his level of effort.
they're at a rough patch in their marriage and the answer is not to walk out. She's communicating the issue and now as a couple they must work on it. And yes a date nite will reward both of them because both of them are overwhelmed with work and the kids.
Umm, she is communicating that she has some issue. Vague complaints are hers are usually red herrings IMO.
And, he is overworked. She might be or might not be. Let's not forget that these are her kids from another guy - one who is not paying support. It is not unreasonable for someone to expect that she should be doing more than him, simply because her and her existing family are consuming most of the resources, by far, in this household.
I'm not saying he can be a total slug and treat her like dirt. But, any woman in this situation whose current husband is putting in a full 50% is extremely lucky and getting a great deal. This guy sounds like he is doing more than 50%.
Unless she's working longer hours than he is AND he's raising her 3 kids, why does SHE need to be pampered and rewarded? Again, whenever there are issues in a marriage everyone ASSUMES the man isn't doing enough!
Step, you and your wife could also sit down and write up a list of chores and who will be responsible for what. You'll need to balance this list by addressing how much each of you works outside the home.
Lastly, a slight warning. This is an early sign of a marriage going south. Seek marriage counseling. She's got some issues with you
Step, this sums up how I feel as well.
I am of a somewhat analytical, planning mindset. If I were in your situation, I would take a few steps back from just splitting up the chores and consider the underlying issues:
* What do you want from life? A child of your own? Pursue some individual interests? More attention from your wife?
* How should the family be run? How much relative effort should go to you vs. your wife vs. the children? How much do you want to be involved with them?
* Given that it takes a great deal of money and time to run a household of five, how much of that are you willing to provide? Do you just want a break now and then? Or, do your think your wife needs to step up and provide more on an ongoing basis since the kids are hers and not yours?
I think where you need to be is in an agreement with your wife regarding the overall philosophy (if you will) of the household. If you do that, then sorting out the details seems like it will happen fairly naturally. OTOH, if you cannot agree on the big concepts - like you want your wife to pull more weight since those are her kids, and she refuses - you'll always be bickering over the details.
BTW, given that your wife is complaining now, how would she manage on her own? There is a legal concept whereby step-parents can be sued for child support under certain circumstances. I do not know the details, but someone I know had his ex try to get it from him. See an attorney and make sure you avoid being on the hook for this in case the marriage goes south.
Step_Raising, you and others here place way too much emphasis on you being a step parent.
Hmmm,
Seems like Step specifically said his wife complained about him not doing enough for the family. Sounds like she expects him to emphasize being a step-parent and do all that other stuff, and more of it.
If his wife had said "Step, I appreciate the help but these are my kids and I should be primarily responsible for raising them" I would tend to agree with you. But, that's not what I'm hearing from the OP.
Step_raising: In general, when I hear "you're not doing enough" I generally figure it's a coin of the realm problem. That is to say, "YOU think you're paying into the pot in rich coinage. SHE on the other hand, isn't valuing whatever it is your contributing as highly as you do."
The general rule in our marriage is that the recipient gets to value the coins, not the giver. So in our house, I'd be asking about the value of the things I do give (not with the intent to argue, but rather with the intent to educate myself) then I'd be asking about the higher value things she wished I gave. Then I'd be sitting down with her to work out a team-based plan that will effectively allow me to give those things.
Whether or not SHE is paying up in an appropriate coin of the realm for you is an entirely separate conversation. I try not to deal with them at the same time because down that path is the insanity of "fairness".
Step,
I like this. The only thing I would add, if applicable, is that if you feel stretched too thin you need to say something. Try asking your wife what it is she would like from you and what is you do that she does not value. Think about it, and consider what you might have to drop in order to give her more of what she wants.
What you don't want to do is have her add more to your plate when you are already stretched so thin. There are only 24 hours in a day and at some point a sense of balance in your respective workloads needs to be reached to have a workable relationship.
Hmmm, sounds good (and I'm sure his wife would agree). But, (and this is a serious if somewhat rhetorical question) what should he stop doing now in order to make that happen?
When the complaints include "not doing enough for the family" I tend to think that the problem is not just about the marriage connection. This sounds like a lady who wishes she had more money, had a nicer home, did not have to work so much, etc.
Given that the OP is stretched to the limit, asking him to do more is a tough sell. Even if his wife likes the new things, the things that don't get done are going to cause her to continue to complain.
What the OP needs to do is have a sit-down with his wife, establish some basic concepts for addressing household wants and needs, and then fit his wife's wishes and such within that framework.
ETA: Whatever the reasons are, this smells like the OP's wife is unhappy about stuff that has nothing to do with his level of effort.
Very good points here. Maybe they need to sit down and do His Needs Her Needs to figure out what needs he is not fullfilling. Something has to give. They seem to not have enough money. Which feeds into the raising three kids. Where does he back off? if it that she wants to cut back on her work hours. I am hearing hearing him say he is working as hard as he can. He is indeed helping support three step children. How much is enough?
I agree they need to figure out what needs she feels need meeting and then he can consider making the changes to meet those needs and back off on other less important.
1. You don't have any idea if he receives gratitude or not. You and all the others just assumed everything he wanted you to assume.
2. You have no idea what he does or does not do. He made himself seem like he does so much. He wanted sympathy and everyone to agree with him, which is exactly what you and everyone keeps doing.
3. No one has any idea what she does for him - if she makes him breakfast in bed or takes her own kids to the park or does anything for him at all. You just IMAGINED that she does NOTHING for him. You all just keep on IMAGINING the circumstances just from what he stated when it is more than obvious he left out their entire lives.
4. I don't care about you saying it's not genetic makeup and it takes getting used to and blah, blah, blah. He was with her for some time before they married and knew she had children. They didn't meet and marry in the same day.
Not really,
First, on boards like these we necessarily only get the poster's view of the story. It is up to the OPs to give a complete story so as to get the best possible advice. If we assume everyone is lying or exaggerating.
Two, this is the epitome of the pot calling the kettle black. You are assuming Step is lying but at the same time criticizing others for assuming he's telling the truth. On what basis do you feel that Step is misrepresenting the truth (other than the normal biases we can assume everyone has when posting here)?
Three, Step is flat out saying he is at (or past) capacity. That is a fact - not something that is relative to a comparison with some other person. Likewise, that he is not the father of these children is a fact. Any solution that feels like "you don't do as much as you think and need to step it up" is, at best, unhelpful.
She brings in about 1/3 of our income and that is one of our side businesses.
Ok, just to be clear...
You are making twice what she makes. What she does bring in is related to one of the side businesses.
Is that one of the side businesses that you also help administer? If yes, does that imply that you have a hand in all the money being brought in? If not, what is the connection between these side businesses you said you run after work and this one that provides her income?
Does she have a regular 9-5 job making steady money that does not depend on your effort and provides some stability in case the side business dips down a bit?
I am saying find the root cause of the problem. What is your point?
The root cause of the problem is obvious. OP stated it multiple times. He is a human doormat and doesn't like it. We don't need to know anything about his wife, her gratitude, anything. He hates his life. He needs to change it. Very simple.
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Re: Wife tells me that I do not do enough... 
