tell your wife "Honey, I know you feel that I don't do enough around the house to help you out and that's a concern to me. I did a little reading about this and came across this idea of doing a chore chart to help sort this out" Then explain the process that was laid out earlier by another poster.
Then do it and stick to it!
I so do agree with this!
If she thinks you aren't doing enough, it might just be her opinion. Write it down. And be clear about how much you can do. Toss the stuff that isn't really necessary. Make life simpler, live with more mess.
The root cause of the problem is obvious. OP stated it multiple times. He is a human doormat and doesn't like it. We don't need to know anything about his wife, her gratitude, anything. He hates his life. He needs to change it. Very simple.
I am a bit more methodical. I often assess a situation but I usally then go about the due diligence of verifying thoughts. So while I too feel it seems this way, I am suggesting he do some validation.
I think given the fact that she wanted him to do more in a given area it is worth seeing what she would expect to give up in another. If she just wants more of everything, then I would come to the same conclusion as you. I am not there yet.
I so do agree with this!
If she thinks you aren't doing enough, it might just be her opinion. Write it down. And be clear about how much you can do. Toss the stuff that isn't really necessary. Make life simpler, live with more mess.
I totally agree.
But, I learned from experience that sometimes this does not work. You need to build from a foundation of what is important to a marriage and what everyone's roles are. Dealing with the details (like allocating chores between themselves equally on the posterboard, or even making the 17 y/o help out) assume agreement on the foundation.
My personal example: my ex and I (having our own kids, no stepkids) kept butting heads in a similar fashion. I was also pulling down 2x what she was, working more hours, doing more housework, etc. But we still kept butting heads about how little I did and how unreasonable my requests were.
So, I initiated a different conversation. I approached the topic with "we are a partnership and should try to balance how much effort we put in for each other and how much we get back for ourselves." Unfortunately, my ex disagreed - to her, a marriage primarily about the man serving and deferring to the woman.
It sucks to hear that, but it explained clearly why we were at such an impasse and that no amount of quibbling was going to matter until she agreed that I deserved as much as she did. As a result, I figured out that the challenge was not nitpicking the small issues but rather demanding respect.
That's why I always recommend starting from the basic "agreement" of the relationship.
Because if he did, then Step would not have to bust his butt to pay bills, and there would be more time to simply enjoy life, and thus less stress.
Then you/they have the wrong attitude. NO ONE should depend on child support to pay their bills. If you do, you're making a mistake. Child support should be thought of as bonus money when it appears and be put away for the kids.
My ex has paid sporadically through the years and every time I get anything it's totally extraneous. Even when I was on welfare.
Having the attitude that you NEED child support to live is setting yourself up to be disappointed.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Unhappy2011
HA!!!
That was good.
I completely disagree with you, in case that is not clear.
You seriously think so? I hope you aren't married with stepkids Differentiating 'your' kids from 'her' kids is NO way to have a successful relationship
It's irking me to read how many guys here like the OP agree with the "they're not my kids" mentality...very superficial if you ask me.
If you're in a relationship with this woman, they ARE your kids-stop talking about them as second class citizens just because you're mad one doesn't help with chores(MOST kids would opt out if not enforced biological or not)
I agree everyone needs to vent. It's very therapeutic! At the same time, be honest. I noticed how you skim through a lot of people's inquiries and answer the less evasive questions.
Question for you OP-is what you're hoping to get out of this post I know we all come from different places in our lives. Some just want to be heard. Others just want to vent. While some want genuine feedback and ways to change up how wrong things are going. Which part are you at?
It's irking me to read how many guys here like the OP agree with the "they're not my kids" mentality...very superficial if you ask me.
If you're in a relationship with this woman, they ARE your kids-stop talking about them as second class citizens just because you're mad one doesn't help with chores(MOST kids would opt out if not enforced biological or not)
I agree everyone needs to vent. It's very therapeutic! At the same time, be honest. I noticed how you skim through a lot of people's inquiries and answer the less evasive questions.
Question for you OP-is what you're hoping to get out of this post I know we all come from different places in our lives. Some just want to be heard. Others just want to vent. While some want genuine feedback and ways to change up how wrong things are going. Which part are you at?
I love it when chicks bring out the shaming language!
"Man up and raise my children that I had with an irresponsible bad boy, you beta provider! Work harder for my kids. What? Well, damn straight they're MY kids. There's no question from my end, so there shouldn't be from yours, either. Now hand over that paycheck, loser."
All the brave gals on here telling the OP how lucky he is that this harpy he married hasn't ditched him are missing the point. She needs him to support her and some other guy's kids, so that she and her kids can have a good life. You think she's going to ditch a nice dull provider, you're CRAZY!
I don't really have any advice for OP- he came, he griped, and he is now averting his gaze from his destiny, cloaking it in "I made a commitment" type justifications.
At the end of the day, he will still be there, supporting his ungrateful wife, which is exactly the outcome our gentle female posters here seem to prefer. So what's the problem again?
If there's a 17 year old, he/she had better damn well be doing chores! You need to put your foot down about that; you are doing that kid no favors by not requiring chores. No chores = no phone.
Kids these days are too spoiled and lazy.
When I was 17, I had a part time job, did well in school AND did chores. I had to do laundry for six people and clean a huge four bedroom house.
Could it possibly be that she is not getting enough affection? I'm much more agreeable and do not care what my husband does as long as he's giving me affection. Women can overlook a lot if they feel loved. And yes her older children should contribute to the household by doing chores. I wonder what she would say?
1/3 income means nothing - how much time does this take her?
If my husband had the attitude that because our kids are not biologically his he's doing me a favor being around, well, he wouldn't be around.
WE have 3 kids, not ME. They are OURS. Whether you knew going into it how much it would involve or not is totally irrelevant. How many new dads who have a new baby knew going into it what it would involve?? How many moms do?? The fact that the sperm that penetrated the eggs that made those kids isn't yours should NOT factor into your thinking anywhere. If it does you're being selfish.
It is a different thing. I raised my step daughter from when she was two. I loved her and raised her as my own. But any man or woman who raises someone elses child deserves much credit.
In this case it is amazing that the bilogical father is providing no support. he is not doing enough. But it is now on this new guy to take up the slack.
Child suppoprt money is for the support of the kids. Kids are a huge expense. It is not bonus money.
But I agree with all of you guys. He should not have agreed to this and he should seriously consider moving on and let the next nice guy come into play.
Also it matters I think if the family is a mix where each spouse may have a child from a previous marriage. More balanced. But marrying a person who has three children is daunting.
My mother had two sisters. She was the middle child. Her mother died after giving birth to the youngest. Later my grandfather remarried. She raised all three of the girls. What a loving woman to be able to walk into a ready made family like that. It is a big deal. We should appreciate folks like that and not take them for granted.
One, we don't know why she divorced her first husband. She may have been the problem.
Two, the Hold On To Your N.U.T.S book will directly address his inability to hold on to things that matter to him, like all the stuff he gave up just to be married to her. Until he's ready to say to her 'I gave up everything else I enjoy to make you happy. I'm not going to continue to do that, until you respect me and my contribution,' he will continue to resent her and she will continue to resent him.
One, we don't know why she divorced her first husband. She may have been the problem.
Two, the Hold On To Your N.U.T.S book will directly address his inability to hold on to things that matter to him, like all the stuff he gave up just to be married to her. Until he's ready to say to her 'I gave up everything else I enjoy to make you happy. I'm not going to continue to do that, until you respect me and my contribution,' he will continue to resent her and she will continue to resent him.
Then you/they have the wrong attitude. NO ONE should depend on child support to pay their bills. If you do, you're making a mistake. Child support should be thought of as bonus money when it appears and be put away for the kids.
My ex has paid sporadically through the years and every time I get anything it's totally extraneous. Even when I was on welfare.
Having the attitude that you NEED child support to live is setting yourself up to be disappointed.
You seriously think so? I hope you aren't married with stepkids Differentiating 'your' kids from 'her' kids is NO way to have a successful relationship
Child support is supposed to go to help pay the bills for raising the children. Having children means a larger house is needed, more utilities are consumed, they need clothing, healthcare, food and on and on.
You can chose to handle the child care you receive the way you want to. It's your choice.
There are many ex's who pay child support on time every month year after year. There are many parents receiving child support who truely need it.
Since the OP seems to be working all the time to earn enough money to support his step children and his wife, it does seem to me that the family does need the child support.
How would his wife and step children even be able to live if he was not taking care of them?
That is the critical question, and what I intended that Step should find out by initiating that talk about the conceptual foundation of the marriage.
Is she willing to have a little less done for the kids and home in order to have more "them" time? Can they agree that, at the end of the day, he matters as much as she and / or her kids?
Step,
More info is needed.
Your wife has a 17 year old. How old are the other two?
What is the custody arrangement? Does she have 100%?
Does he have visitation/time with the children if so how much? Or is he completely absent and why?
Why are you driving her children to see their father who does not even help with them?
Why is their father not paying child support?
Why hasn’t she gone to court to get child support from him?
What is all the work she wants you to do?
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Re: Wife tells me that I do not do enough... 
Differentiating 'your' kids from 'her' kids is NO way to have a successful relationship
I know we all come from different places in our lives. Some just want to be heard. Others just want to vent. While some want genuine feedback and ways to change up how wrong things are going. Which part are you at? 
