Men must know, 11 years but never wanted to be with me?
I've never understood this and he can't give me a reason, not even a hint. I still think he is gay. He has emotional issues and has a food addiction, comes from a deeply religious family. He is getting treatment.
he is in the US and i'm the UK.
He was always emotionally abusive to me and i never understood this or what i had done to deserve such treatment, i never made huge demands only ever wanted to be together, he had nothing not even a home and he was bankrupt and he still turned me down when i asked him to come live with me, he left me in both pregnancies, made promises and excuses to go back to the states but begged me to marry him, then didn't come back to uk for 2 years.
Now he has cancer again he wants to be together, why just why, i don't think i want to be together, i want to move on, because just maybe there is a guy out there that will treat me decently, i feel i've already wasted so much time on this man, he is laying a pretty difficult guilt trip on me.
he doesn't hear me, he never has though, when i would ask why he had done or said something mean or spiteful, he would say i was beating on him or to sensitive, i was in the end never allowed to express emotions or feelings less he liked them.
i feel he is still trying to mentally manipulate me and yet he has no answers.
why am i even considering it.
At present reading hold me tight by dr sue johnson.
Re: Men must know, 11 years but never wanted to be with me?
Quote:
he left me in both pregnancies, made promises and excuses to go back to the states, ...then didn't come back to uk for 2 years
THAT is ALL you need to remember.
* He has NEVER been there for YOU.
* He has NEVER been there for your children.
He wants you NOW because he is sick. Know that it will STILL be ALL about HIM...just like always. He will be a giant black hole of neediness sucking ALL the emotion out of you.
Tell him you're sorry he's sick. Tell him YOUR CHILDREN NEED you. Tell him your PRIMARY obligation is to them. Then wish him well, hang up the phone, never call him again, turn around and spend your time, love and attention ON YOUR CHILDREN. LET HIM GO...PERMANENTLY.
Re: Men must know, 11 years but never wanted to be with me?
i agree with sgw.
i think he is wanting you now because he is sick and wants someone to be there to take care of him.
he has not been there for you when you have needed him, what do you owe him anything for.
i dont think you do.
you owe yourself and your children a chance at happiness.
you take care of yourself and your children.
he made his choice.
its his place to live with it.
Re: Men must know, 11 years but never wanted to be with me?
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Originally Posted by cloudwithleggs
Now he has cancer again he wants to be together
I'm going to be massively cynical here and ask whether he has the right to live in the UK or whether you would need to sponsor him? Assuming the latter, do healtcare costs have any bearing on this?
Re: Men must know, 11 years but never wanted to be with me?
Who cares what goes through this selfish nut-case's tortured mind? He holds nothing but misery for you. You've wasted enough time and tears. There are actual human beings on this earth who are capable of giving at least as much as they take. You often see dogs chasing trucks but you never see a dog driving one. He's just creating a little entertainment and drama for himself. Cut your considerable losses and find a reasonably healthy adult.
Re: Men must know, 11 years but never wanted to be with me?
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Originally Posted by Conrad
Will you treat that new guy decently?
I don't think emotionally i am any where near having another guy to treat decently, there are men that are interested but i am not mentally ready.
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Originally Posted by grenville
I'm going to be massively cynical here and ask whether he has the right to live in the UK or whether you would need to sponsor him? Assuming the latter, do healtcare costs have any bearing on this?
Well i married him so he should of been entitled, his company is also local here, but that is neither here nor there now as he is being put on permanent disability, he owes the IRS and wants to claim taxes back on the children. So he can stay here any way for 6 months periods, i get to support him cook his meals and generally have an extra person to care for, he hardly ever does anything here with the children, or for them.
He is coming back out beginning of june, i asked him not to till after he'd finished chemo but he is coming for 5 weeks, i don't get a say, it just falls on deaf ears, i know he needs to see the children, but he can go months/years without them and then suddenly they're important again and he then threatens to take me to court because i am not allowing access, i can't win, i try my hardest to be fair. i know he can't afford to stay in a hotel and i have to keep him, last time he spent a ton of my money eating out for himself, and yes i do cook meals.
Quote:
Originally Posted by AFEH
I thing you’re your own worst enemy.
You’ve probably got seriously big self-esteem and self-respect issues. The only way is up when you start to move those two up and into higher levels.
Yes i do he has played on any insecurity i had, he is very critical of women, he is morbidly obese, yet i put on 7lbs because my thyroid was out and he said i was fat, he has called me every name under the sun, he doesn't treat me with any decency or respect, the question i asked myself is why, what is it i have done to him that makes him behave this way towards me, i strived to be attractive as possible for him, done what ever i can, he has never wanted to be attractive for me, he actually blamed me when he had erection issues, i have bailed him out when he was bankrupt, he was/is always angry at me if i show emotion or say something about how he behaves towards me he wont discuss his behaviour towards me, he made me feel like i was better off being dead, i wanted so badly to be out of this, i told him my feelings in that darkest moment i was crying, big mistake he gave me an list of ways to kill myself.
He can also be the nicest person ever, others describe him as charming, the funny thing he states he will never deny me sexually, i find this funny, why would a man say that? I have never denied him but i need to grow a pair and deny him and show myself some respect, i wont be sleeping with him again. I am going to focus on my needs and what i really want over this year.
Re: Men must know, 11 years but never wanted to be with me?
why do you HAVE to let him stay with you?
bullsh!t!
if he wants to see the kids, he can find somewhere to stay.
he is using the kids as an excuse to get back into your life, and thats the only reason.
dont keep the kids from him but dont let him back into your life in a personal way.
Re: Men must know, 11 years but never wanted to be with me?
Because he doesn't have any money. And he makes me feel guilty.
I am surprised no one has asked why on earth did i have babies with this man, the first was an accident because i had been infertile for years because of my thyroid being out, so had unprotected sex for years and no babies, till thyroid was treated, the second was when he was on chemo and he said he was 100% certain he was infertile because of the drugs he was on.
i was seriously ill in both pregnancies, but i just couldn't abort, they would of aborted my last baby at over 20 weeks even, i put on 12lbs in that pregnancy, but lost 3 stones, yes i was hospitalized.
He worries me where the children are concerned, i asked when i was ill with my first with him, if i were ill after the baby was born what would he do, he said he'd take the baby back to the states, not the answer i was looking for, i thought he would want to stay and help me with our new born, why on earth would any one want to part a mother from her baby, he knows i breast feed.
He has tried under handed ways of making them us citizens and trying to get them passports, now wants to get them social security nos for tax purposes, i do believe he would take my babies from me to be spiteful, he cares nothing for my emotional well-being, where is the happy medium, i would love to trust him with the children but where he is concerned i do not, he is never fair. He fills my 5 year old's head with with ideas of going to the states, saying they have lots of toys and the fun they would have, he keeps her on the phone for hours, then goes weeks days not talking to her, also rings really late at night, i try to give times but he just wont keep to it.
I want to be reasonable, but he expects them to come out next year, i get very isolated there, his sister that he lives with is just as bad as he is, they live in a small 3 bed apartment already with 3 older children and several cats, it is not very clean. Not looking forward to that.
What is it called when someone puts some else's voice to yourself, he will do this to me, he hates and despises his step mother and portrays this voice to me as to mimic me in her voice, i do not understand this behaviour, i know he does it to be nasty, it is like he is making me that person he hates and despises, i have never done this to a person in my life.
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Men must know, 11 years but never wanted to be with me? 
