I agree with Deejo, you need to know exactly what your dealbreakers are, make that clear, and everything else in between is daily life.
Basically, you never use the word divorce unless your dealbreakers come up. Whatever those are....cheating, etc.
You do of course have to have it straight in your mind exactly what you will walk over.
Anything else that comes up, your mind is set to a committment, and you will work through the issues. She should see this in time, and the fitness testing should decrease.
There are lots of things you can do to strengthen your bond and not have to worry about this.
Education is key. Read No More Mr Nice Guy, Hold On To Your N.U.T.S., Not Just Friends, 5 Love Languages, and His Needs Her Needs, together, so you both understand what's right and wrong in a marriage.
Improve communication. Vow to never raise your voice to each other. Always let the other person say what they are feeling and never criticize their feelings - everyone's feelings are legitimate; it's what you do with that knowledge that counts. Make it a safe environment to share.
Set up a one-hour meeting each week to discuss any issues that have cropped up that week or are still unresolved from previous ones. During that hour, vow to keep it safe to talk, don't just defend yourself but actually listen and try to put yourself in each other's shoes, and work to reach an agreement that neither of you will resent.
Vow to spend 15 hours a week together doing stuff that maintains your love for each other. Keep dating, in other words. Have a coffee together each morning. Find ways to connect.
Fill out Harley's Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires each year to see how to stop harming each other and how to meet each other's needs.
Not long ago my marriage got to a point where I was being used and taken for granted.
I manned-up made my needs and boundaries known.
She pushed back hard against these boundaries and I told her "There`s the door, I have no problem with you using it if you can`t remain within these boundaries!"
This immediately cowed her, and the insecurity it caused in her has taken a toll on our relationship.
I think we`re getting past it but I don`t think she`ll ever be as comfortable in her security as she was. That`s probably a good thing in retrospect.
I am guilty of conveying that "we'll be together no matter what" feeling to my W. Neither party should be so secure in your relationship that you neglect it or take it for granted.
As Deejo stated however, no need to go nuclear for everything.
You "don't know" what you'd like to do today, and all my suggestions don't appeal to you? As my W I offered you first shot at my free time. Time to spend with friends/family/alone then.
The issue I spoke of was one that had gotten to a point after 4 years of those particular boundaries being trampled/tested and there was no room for compromise. I had let it go too long.
It was the only place to go to enforce that boundary(nuclear).
It has made her pretty insecure but we`ve had a few months building her security back up and maybe just maybe she (nor I) should be as deceptively secure as we thought we were.
I believe it`s unhealthy to feel as if you will stay together "No matter what" as that`s a blue print for being taken for granted.
We all have "conditions/boundaries", we should discuss them more often.
Nah, healthy boundaries are necessary. Sometimes security comes from testing a boundary and finding it firm. Isn't there security in knowing exactly where/what boundaries are and exactly how far you can push before they push back?
However, between this and another of OP's threads, it seems his wife's insecurity is stemming from fear of abandonment due to multiple threats of divorce. If she is afraid of abandonment, she may feel compelled to continue testing to reassure herself that she will not be abandoned. She won't feel secure in the relationship unless she finds the boundaries reasonable (i.e. not "If you ever disagree with me, I'll leave") and predictable enough for her not to constantly feel as if she's walking on eggshells trying to avoid the next landmine. If she feels the boundaries are too petty, unreasonable, or unpredictable, she might continue to feel emotionally unsafe and test those boundaries as a way of testing his love for her.
Basically, she wants to believe he will stay so she can feel safe to continue loving him and building a future with him, but a part of her right now doesn't believe he will. Most people can't take that kind of emotional limbo and will subconsciously seek to nail it down one way or another...either by trying to get their partner to prove they won't leave or by trying to prove themselves right that they will.
So, IMO, testing is a pretty natural and to-be-expected human reaction to insecurity, although some people are so insecure that they take it to self-sabotaging and relationship-sabotaging levels.
This is entirely true. I have, in the past, repeatedly set up some kind of test in my head, to see if he is sincere. His I want to stay married now I don't routine has left me with a pretty shaky foundation, although enough time has passed and I am now strong enough to run not walk out the door if he EVER says get out again. He has NEVER done anything that even remotely says I will fight for you. ever. It's sad, really.
I don't know if women are allowed to post in here. If not, please let me know and forgive my trespass. I'll respect the norms.
I felt compelled to reply to this one, though. Many years ago, I developed some firm boundaries that I swore I wouldn't let anyone violate. I upheld them, frequently with the "there's the door" mentality. I've left others far more often than they've left me, and I've shut the door on non-romantic relationships, too.
For the most part, I don't regret it. However, I've recognized that the harm you talk about is long-lasting and threatening to the person who hears the ultimatums.
Over time, I came to recognize that I was really engaging in an act of overpowering my partner to gain control. I did not want that to be part of how I relate to people, and did a lot of soul searching over it. I didn't just protect myself with it, I protected myself unreasonably.
Boundaries are things you wouldn't accept from ANYONE that comes into your life. I wouldn't let my partner slap me and I wouldn't let a clerk at the store do it, either. Boundaries are consistent ways of interacting with the entire world - not just my partner. If they're not consistent that way, I recognize it now as a control issue.
Because of that, I've learned to withhold threats. Instead of speaking about them, if it's so bad that I need to go, I'm packing before anyone knows what's on my mind. By that time, I've reflected enough to realize that I cannot accept whatever is happening and still uphold my values and safety. I've exhausted every other avenue of upholding my boundaries, and at that point, I no longer need to worry about the damage it can cause because the relationship is over - no turning back.
I will still tell someone they have the option to leave if they don't like the boundaries I've set, though.
Boundaries are things you wouldn't accept from ANYONE that comes into your life. I wouldn't let my partner slap me and I wouldn't let a clerk at the store do it, either. Boundaries are consistent ways of interacting with the entire world - not just my partner. If they're not consistent that way, I recognize it now as a control issue.
I understand the gist of your post and agree with much of it but the part quoted above doesn`t make sense to me.
Are you saying you have the same boundaries in place with your lover that you have in place with your friends, co-workers, acquaintances?
I don`t see how that`s possible.
I have a boundary with my wife, she cannot date another man.
If she does and refuses to stop I will divorce her.
This is written in stone.
So if my boss starts dating another man I should quit my job?
I know I`m being a bit ridiculous but I don`t understand how you can have "the same" boundaries for everyone in your life.
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Re: Manning up / Nice guy / Emotional security 
