I've visited all your threads. Still wanting to finish part two of your story. My wife was also a virgin when we met. I have been her only partner this past 20yrs. I have had 3 partners to include her, her being the last of course.
I really don't want to snoop. I trust her even after all this. I want to give her the time to find her way back to me. I only seek some sort of confirmation from her. I have changed the way I think about her and perceive her in a new light. I have taken her for granted for many years. She has been trying to let me back in by letting me take her out to dinner and to a comedy club. We spent mothers day as a family and it was one of the most enjoyable experiences I have had. I want more of that. It was just me, my wife, and our 3 wonderful children.
Oh nooooo.....another one who doesn't want to snoop! tmiller, you have to snoop. In order to deal with this you have to find out what you're dealing with. Number one order of business is finding out WHO she's constantly talking to. Those of us reading this are 99 percent sure that it's not her girlfriends or family. Find out and don't confront her with the first piece of evidence you find. Gather your evidence quietly.
Before finding this forum, I post on another forum and only posted what she had done wrong. Not what caused it; me being isolated in my bedroom for 4 years. She caught a glimpse of what I was typing and took the whole thing out of context and really became enraged. I apologized, but apologies are just words if the person doesn't want to hear it. How can I show I am truly sorry and want to save this marriage?
If she's involved in an affair, and it's ongoing, you have zero chance of saving your marriage. First, find out what's going on. Second, if there's an affair, you have to squash it. The folks here, especially in the "coping with infidelity" forum will tell you how to do that. After that, then you can deal with the other issues, including you being isolated in your room constantly. Change your focus NOW to fact-finding.
I am pretty sure it is not a physical affair. Probably an emotional affair. Someone telling her all the things she wants to hear. Promising her a new and better life. Probably bashing me in the process. She has friends that have been through a divorce and all of them have come from a spouse cheating on the other. I haven't cheated, the things I have done can be corrected. I just have to figure out a way to get her to change and stop listening to everyone else and just talk about things between us. I am her husband, she should be free and willing to talk about anything to me. I believe she is in the "fog". She might not realize it. Should I let her read the article on the affair fog? Would it help?
KNOW THIS: If she is cheating that is 100% - ONE HUNDRED percent - on HER. The state of your marriage has nothing - NOTHING - to do with her choice - that's CHOICE - to cheat. You need to realize this and quit blaming yourself for her cheating. If she is.
THEN you need to find out the extent of her betrayal.
Then you need to decide what you want to do - try to work on things or not.
Unless you know for sure what she's done, you don't have the basis you need to make future decisions about your relationship.
I am pretty sure it is not a physical affair. Probably an emotional affair. Someone telling her all the things she wants to hear. Promising her a new and better life. Probably bashing me in the process. She has friends that have been through a divorce and all of them have come from a spouse cheating on the other. I haven't cheated, the things I have done can be corrected. I just have to figure out a way to get her to change and stop listening to everyone else and just talk about things between us. I am her husband, she should be free and willing to talk about anything to me. I believe she is in the "fog". She might not realize it. Should I let her read the article on the affair fog? Would it help?
tmiller, don't show her this site, at least not now. If she's in the fog, reading about it won't accomplish anything. Only hard consequences will.
Even though you think it's probably not physical yet, you don't really have any idea about that. And while I'm sure there was plenty of talk about you with this guy, at this point, it's moved beyond that. Sure, the way you've been treating her helps her justify her actions, but at this point it's the excitement of being with someone new. It's the feel-good chemical dopamine that has a hold on her. It's now all about this guy now.
So stop obsessing with the way you treated your wife in the past and start finding out what exactly is going on.
Att sony smartphone. She says she is talking to friends and family about our relationship and doesn't want me to listen because she doesn't want me to hear things that might hurt me or give me false hope.
If you want to save your marriage,
(1) hire a PI to find out who she's cheating with.
(2) Protect your finances
(3)Tell her you have proof she's cheating and ask her to stop.
(4) When she refuses, expose the affair with the proof your PI gets to her parents and siblings and friends and HIS family.
(5) Sit back and see what happens, but whatever you do, do NOT go to her and ask her to give him up for you. TELL her if she continues that you will not share your wife with another man and are going to file for separation and you will call her parents and ask them to come get her (but the kids stay with you at their home).
btw, she is NOT talking to family and friends until 2am. They will not be bothered to stay up that late. The only person willing to do that is someone trying to get in her pants.
It's perfectly natural for you to start looking at yourself and assigning blame to yourself. But I'll bet she wasn't perfect in your marriage either. And you chose not to cheat.
While it's always good to take an honest inventory of yourself, you come off in your posts as being sullen, whiney, "woe is me." That's not attractive to your wife. You need to become firm, confident, a guy who's willing to stand up for your marriage, and not tolerate another man in your marriage.
Again for the umpteenth time, stop with the blame tmiller stuff, and find out what's going on. Phone records, texts, emails, VAR, all that stuff.
YOU feel alienated??? Sounds like she giving you a taste of your own medicine.
Sooo.. you rejected her and sat in your office with the computer and tv for 4 YEARS!! (that's a loooong time for the rejected spouse) You also were fighting alot. Then you top it off you got drunk and talked trash at her.....nice.
What a sh!tty marriage.
What did your wife do to entertain herself while you sat in your office for all those years...before her phone love affair?
NOW that she has switched off (and is probably having an affair by the sounds of it) you suddently realise you love your wife and want to work on the marriage...
Sounds like a case of "too little, too late".
Personally I think she is behaving badly and is probably doing something she shouldn't
There should be no blocking wives or husbands from phones or computers. Openess and honesty is the only way for a marriage to work. 100% transparancy is the term you'll see around these TAM boards.
You have a HUGE amount of work to do to save your marriage...if you can.
I understand what everyone is saying. I know it is my fault for the way she feels. I can't take that back. 4 yrs ago, I lost my job. It was very upsetting to me. We had bills and no money coming in. I fell into a depression and didn't want to deal with it all. I was scared. The economy tanked and I was looking for work. Getting rejected constantly only made things worse. I fell deeper into myself looking for ways to take my mind off of everything, to not think about the worries. I started playing games on my computer and watching tv.....a lot. It became another world for me and I lost track of what was going on around me. Sure my wife tried to help me get out of my slump. I think she should have slapped me to get my attention first. Maybe that would have snapped me out of it sooner. I realize now what has happened. I regret it and want to change. I have changed to better myself for my wife and kids. To keep changing though I need the moral support. To know I am doing a good job. If I'm not doing something right, I need to know about that too. She doesn't talk to me, she won't allow me to show my love and appreciation for her. She got home a little while ago and read all this and is now even more upset. I try not to hide anything from her, I told her I change and I am open and honest with her. I am on this forum because I want to make my marriage work and I am alone and have no one to talk to about the way I feel and what I am going through.
No. How she feels is NOT your fault. Feelings are not anyone's fault, they just are. You are responsible for your ACTIONS, and your actions may affect her, but what she does with her feelings is all on her.
And WHY did you show this to her?!?!
You really need some IC. Get yourself OUT of this funk, then you can deal with your relationship. The fact SHE cheated and the fact your marriage sucked prior are TWO TOTALLY SEPARATE THINGS that need to be worked on.
That's just it. She hasn't cheated. She says she has fallen out of love me me. She says she still loves me just "not in" love with me. I myself don't believe that. I believe there is alot of outside influence involved.
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Re: I feel Alienated 
