So you struggle with showing or expressing some of these things about your past with others... not that you need to go there, but you would choose silence over sharing....this is just safer /easier, and you can pull it off....let others believe you grew up like everyone else .....why take a chance on trudging through the mudd blackening how others may "view" you... or in this case, your upbringing.
I'll delete this if the OP thinks that it is veering off-topic, but a therapist I saw during the time of my midlife crisis said that some of what I'm talking about is sometimes a trait among alpha types. (I only saw the therapist after my manager pushed the issue when I dropped out of an exective career succession path)
Its a little different, I think, than what you were thinking, but I really appreciate the response. The therapist said that so-called alpha types, or those who instinctively seek to understand ways to manage people and situations, and move forward when others might pause, will sometimes become so after realizing in childhood that people in their life have some serious, inherent weaknesses. Others might offer other reasons, I'm sure. Think about how some of the good men and women change as adults after being betrayed by spirit-crushing infidelity. You begin instinctively "handling" the people in your life, never trusting them to get to see the real you. Its not about fearing to let them see the vulnerable parts of your background because it will make them think less of you, but more like fearing it because it puts a part of you in their control. Instead, you deflect, and let them make their assumptions. Letting others have access to the inner self never went so well in the past - you'll get abandonment and abuse. "Handling" the access is nothing like trying to control another person in marriage, though. Its more like being strong when they need you to be strong, but balanced with respect for their own leadership. Not sure if that makes sense.
This might be a surprise, but coming to a site that lacks the face to face interaction helps me, as a hobbyist writer, to set aside the deflection aspect of talking to others in my life. I approached the site tentatively, revealing a little more as time passed. But I went through so much learning with my wife's bipolar depression, and the early suicide scares that I'm trying to stay focused on giving as much as I get from the site. All this probably makes me sound crazy, but there is no instinctive "handling" of discussions when it is written and anonymous.
Halien said: "Handling" the access is nothing like trying to control another person in marriage, though. Its more like being strong when they need you to be strong, but balanced with respect for their own leadership. Not sure if that makes sense.
Accually, I am not sure I am getting it....this "handling" vs "control" part. I can be a little THICK at times. You are just too deep for me!
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Think about how some of the good men and women change as adults after being betrayed by spirit-crushing infidelity. You begin instinctively "handling" the people in your life, never trusting them to get to see the real you. Its not about fearing to let them see the vulnerable parts of your background because it will make them think less of you, but more like fearing it because it puts a part of you in their control. Instead, you deflect, and let them make their assumptions. Letting others have access to the inner self never went so well in the past - you'll get abandonment and abuse.
We all fear abandonment and abuse ...just the perception is enough to put up a sheild.......but is the WISE way of living ...to never allow another into our inner world of weaknesses & pain for fear they will have "control" over us??
I would say we just need to be carefully/ prayerfully be selective in those we allow in, making sure they have proven they are worthy of our hearts..... throwing our pearls before swine & vultures only set us up for more "hiding", more distrust in humanity......leading to a truly camouflaged life...less & less will KNOW the true person behind the . That is just "fitting it" ....not true belonging.
At the end of the day... the Alpha's, the Betas, the Gammas, the Omegas, the Deltas...oh the labels set force....we need to be Authentic in who we are....don't we? In this way.... we relate to humanity...this allow the goodness in us to shine even brighter before men. From where we came from to WHO we are today.
Sometimes (depends on the situation, discussion, etc)...being truly authentic is admitting our fears, our imperfections, how we hurt, painful experiences, jealousy, angry, peices of it anyway...all of those emotions we want to drown in the ocean. Some use a little humor setting this forth...which makes all others around them comfortable.. but yet, it's real.
At the very least, we need to be able to share these things with a potential spouse. If we can't go there, it speaks volumes that we don't trust them with our very lives...how important that is! This should never be... should it? I wouldn't even want to be with someone who couldn't go there with me. But I am not a vulture.
You don't sound at all crazy to me Halien.... quite sound...as I know all would agree with me in this.
If I am missing the whole band wagon, excuse me!!!
Think about how some of the good men and women change as adults after being betrayed by spirit-crushing infidelity. You begin instinctively "handling" the people in your life, never trusting them to get to see the real you. Its not about fearing to let them see the vulnerable parts of your background because it will make them think less of you, but more like fearing it because it puts a part of you in their control. Instead, you deflect, and let them make their assumptions. Letting others have access to the inner self never went so well in the past - you'll get abandonment and abuse. "Handling" the access is nothing like trying to control another person in marriage, though. Its more like being strong when they need you to be strong, but balanced with respect for their own leadership. Not sure if that makes sense.
I actually think this is pretty brilliant.
Don't know if my approach is what you intended, but in my case, 'handling' has far more to do with internal self-management to influence or have an effect upon external circumstances.
Specifically in my case, this has had an enormous impact upon how others NOW choose to interact with me, and how I interact with them.
Within the last 12 months I have been recognized numerous times at work. I now lead a team of 5 engineers ... despite the fact that I'm not an engineer. I am perceived as a role model, leader, and contributor. I am now a 'go to' guy.
Three years ago, I know for a fact that my boss was questioning if I was even the right fit for the position. And for a very long time, I just 'did my job'.
I interact with and am perceived differently by women. I date ... a lot. Quite honestly, I now find myself on the threshold of my first loving relationship since my marriage ended 4 years ago. I have that 'feeling' that I honestly questioned if I would ever have again. But ... I'm 'handling' it far differently than I would have prior to my own little 'man up' journey.
None of this is by accident. Quite the opposite. It is with intent and purpose.
I am not an Alpha. To me, Alpha is a verb, or an adjective. It is the name applied to a behavior or skill set that makes a particular set of outcomes more likely ... should you desire those outcomes.
And I fully respect that my dear friend Trenton thinks it's crap. Or, wishes that there was another way to get the same outcome.
And I can't possibly convey how much I admire the fact that SA adores her husband, and sees his being quiet, reserved, and his unyielding support and love for her ... as a strength.
Me? I made some very distinct choices and altered my responses to, and behavior under almost all of the circumstances in my life. And I recognize that many may say that I am not truly being who I am.
But ... the way I see it, I haven't actually changed who I am. I've just expanded who I'm supposed to be. And I like it.
Halien's comment actually struck me in a very personal and positive way, despite that I may completely be off-base with what he intended.
Only person I want to control is myself. And as a result of doing so ... I can far better manage the outcomes of interacting with others.
Don't know if my approach is what you intended, but in my case, 'handling' has far more to do with internal self-management to influence or have an effect upon external circumstances.
Specifically in my case, this has had an enormous impact upon how others NOW choose to interact with me, and how I interact with them.
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Thank you for wording it clearer.
This is what I was referring to. It's different from being controlling, though, so I didn't want people to get the wrong impression.
I didn't see it in some of the other links about "alpha", but I think what is missing from some discussions is that a person will invariably be called "alpha" if they are naturally intuitive in social interactions, reading body language, etc, and also have a high drive to want every interaction have purpose. If it is real, instinctive, then it isn't some sort of contrived skills. At the root of this behavior, though, is often examples where a person might have been let down in a big way by someone who had a degree of authority in their life. Something has to trigger this type of 'handling', I think.
I agree. None of the self-improvements I have made would have ever occurred, had my marriage not melted down.
And I wouldn't say that I'm afraid of letting someone in. But ... I'm much more wary, and perhaps calculating about who gets in, and what they get to see.
I no longer see 'being an open book' as a characteristic that benefits me. But even still, most would describe me as open.
And I will say again for the umpteenth time. I initially came to this site, saw these discussions about Dominance, Alpha, and Nice Guy, and thought they were utter clap-trap. And they are ... unless you actually DO something with them.
My career, social relationships, and sexual relationships have prospered as a result of the changes I've made. Simply no arguing with the results. At least not with mine.
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Originally Posted by Halien
Thank you for wording it clearer.
This is what I was referring to. It's different from being controlling, though, so I didn't want people to get the wrong impression.
I didn't see it in some of the other links about "alpha", but I think what is missing from some discussions is that a person will invariably be called "alpha" if they are naturally intuitive in social interactions, reading body language, etc, and also have a high drive to want every interaction have purpose. If it is real, instinctive, then it isn't some sort of contrived skills. At the root of this behavior, though, is often examples where a person might have been let down in a big way by someone who had a degree of authority in their life. Something has to trigger this type of 'handling', I think.
According to Darwin and Jesus, the meek shall inherit the earth because the Alphas are busily slaughtering each other, getting eaten by bears or getting accidentally killed redneck style.
There’d be alphas amongst the meek, somebody will organise and lead, it’s all relative.
I agree. None of the self-improvements I have made would have ever occurred, had my marriage not melted down.
And I wouldn't say that I'm afraid of letting someone in. But ... I'm much more wary, and perhaps calculating about who gets in, and what they get to see.
I no longer see 'being an open book' as a characteristic that benefits me. But even still, most would describe me as open.
And I will say again for the umpteenth time. I initially came to this site, saw these discussions about Dominance, Alpha, and Nice Guy, and thought they were utter clap-trap. And they are ... unless you actually DO something with them.
My career, social relationships, and sexual relationships have prospered as a result of the changes I've made. Simply no arguing with the results. At least not with mine.
It sounds to me that you now have much better boundaries. I think some of us start out way too extroverted (open books) but learn in time how easy it is to get burnt that way. And so we change, we evolve and continue to grow.
It could be that you are now developing your introverted side. I think that happens as we go along with our life if we started out overly extroverted. We sometimes get thrown out of kilter (in a state of not working well), our centre of gravity is outside of us (happens to extroverts) so we work both consciously and subconsciously to pull it back inside. That’s our introverted instincts at work, it takes a while to develop and expand them.
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Re: Alpha, Betas, Delta, etc 
. That is just "fitting it" ....not true belonging. 
