Cold Feet...?? Need a man's advice

ChillM · 05-24-2012, 10:49 AM

My fiance and I have been together for 2 years and engaged for 1. Our wedding is in November. Lately, he's been bringing up some things that make me wonder if he's really in this.

Last night, for instance, he asked what I thought about trial separations and seeing other people. Then he started saying if I wanted to see other guys he might be a little jealous if I went on a romantic date, but otherwise he'd be ok with it. And if I wanted to see my ex he'd be ok with that. I said it sounded like he was just asking and saying this in the hopes that I'll be ok with it and he can go out with other girls. He kept saying he doesn't think he wants to go out with other girls and I feel like that's something he should know and not just think.

I don't know - shouldn't he feel jealous or something of the thought of me seeing other guys? And why does he want to hang out with other chicks - and obviously without me around. I just feel like he doesn't love me and I tried to discuss it with him and he kept saying, I love you and want to be with you. I just get along with girls better but I guess I can see why it doesn't make sense to hang out with them. (Especially when he goes for girls he can flirt with and who have tried to break up his relationships ie. his previous relationship ended bcuz of that and ours almost did. He gave her up, but he just asked if he could hang out with her "just once").

What's up with this? Is he just getting nervous or is he just not in love but feeling trapped because he's already proposed and all?

Toffer · 05-24-2012, 11:04 AM

Chill,

Time for the two of you to have a "Come to Jesus" meeting.

Sorry but I would be very suspicious of his request to the point that I would suspect he's seeing someone else

He's very obviously not ready to be in a committed relationship let alone a marriage

I know this is hard but at least you've discovered this BEFORE you married this manchild.

I would tell him the engagement is off. While I thought about telling you to advising him that he should choose between you and the dating/flirting with other women, I think that if he choose you and you married, this would be an issue that would rear it's ugly head down the road in your marriage.

Find a guy who truly loves you and wants to be committed to you and you alone. You deserve that

anchorwatch · 05-24-2012, 11:30 AM

Isn't that enough for you. He basically told you it's OK not to be monogamous. Call off the wedding and run as fast as you can. No man in love with you would ever have those thoughts.

Wish you luck, but you won't have any with that boy.

Jellybeans · 05-24-2012, 11:32 AM

I think he is telling you in a round about way that he's not ready for something as major as marriage. He may be putting out feelers to see what you think so he can have a little escape clause.

You said yourself you don't "feel" he loves you. Why? Your gut feeling says a lot.

Lionelhutz · 05-24-2012, 11:50 AM

I think you should probably call off the engagement off at least for a while.

It strikes me as obvious that he is having second thoughts about the idea of never again having sex with another woman. He needs to decide what he wants. There should be sometime more keeping him faithful and his future wife getting mad.

You also need to make a clear headed decision about how long you are willing to wait for him to make up his mind before it is time to cut your losses and look for someone with a clear idea of what he wants.

LovesHerMan · 05-24-2012, 12:01 PM

He is waving a huge red flag right in your face, saying that he is not ready to settle down with one woman. Believe him when he tells you who he is.

Jellybeans · 05-24-2012, 12:15 PM

The thing about his ex--the one he wanted to stay in touch with & asked your permission should have been your first indication of what he's like.

Is he still in contact w/ her?

Blue Moon · 05-24-2012, 12:17 PM

He wants to have sex with other women and is subtly feeling you out on having an open marriage. Would you be OK with an open marriage or swinging? That's what you need to be asking yourself, because that conversation is coming.

And to be clear, I'm not saying that's a bad thing. Different strokes for different folks. You just need to ask yourself if it's fine with you.

lamaga · 05-24-2012, 12:20 PM

Sorry, but that isn't cold feet. That's second thoughts. I agree with others that it's time to have a very serious talk about what you both see for your future.

kidsdad · 05-25-2012, 03:24 AM

Your not done till you say I do. It appears today we spend more time with wedding arrangements then with marriage arrangements.Even though it may cost you some money to postpone the wedding while you get things worked out with a good, repeat good marriage counselor. Its cheaper than the divorce. Also he might be a great guy, but not the right one for you.

The Renegade · 05-25-2012, 03:57 AM

Some of the most happy and passionate marriages I know are between two people who live an open sexual life. Usually that does, however, not mean that they give each other open passes, but rather enjoy their sexuality together whilst also including others.

I also know of several men who enjoy seeing their wife with another man.

Like one already posted here: Different strokes for different folks.

What I read from your post, though, is that your man doesn't fall into either one of those categories. In your case I agree that it totally seems as he wants to feel you out. I don't believe this goes the way you want it to go.