Am I Wrong for Being Upset?

nxs450 · 06-07-2012, 01:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by turnera

What did you learn in your 1+ year of counseling? Surely they taught you something about learning to control your verbal reactions, so that your conversations are more productive? Have you done any work on that? It doesn't sound like it.

You DO have control over what you say. You just didn't want to, at the time, because you were hurting and you wanted to feel better. Did you apologize?

I usualy control myself and wait until I am calm, and talk to her then. It is one of those times I didn't. I apologized, but she dimissed it. She seemed to think I was wrong for being upset.

nxs450 · 06-07-2012, 01:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crazy8

I haven't gone through infidelity in my marriage. But I have in previous relationships. I know you're only human.

What I'm trying to do is give another way of thinking about it. If you were in her place, and you did something you are so ashamed of, and all of a sudden she threw it back in your face, what would you do? You'd probably react a lot like she did. I probably would.

This stuff is messy. You reacted out of your humanness, and then she reacted out of her humanness. It's tough to give a pass for your humanness and not give her a pass for hers. You know what I mean?

I'm not judging or anything. I just want to offer a little bit of a different perspective on it. The way I feel about it a lot of perspectives are better than 1 or 2. Then you can get down to the core of what's going on in this confrontation, which is probably your hurt over what she did.

Maybe that's the real issue here. Maybe the situation was just a vehicle that brought it to the surface. Maybe not. Only you can answer that.

And by the way, I don't think I said it, but you're not wrong to be upset. You feel what you feel.

I understand that we both acted on emotions at the time. But she continued to dismiss my feelings after I tried to talk with her.

chillymorn · 06-07-2012, 06:53 AM

if you drink to the point that you make poor choices then mybe she has a problem with alcohol.

I like to down some beers and nothing wrong with indulging but if you end up in bed with someone other than your wife/husband then maybe you should advoid it alltogether.

turnera · 06-07-2012, 08:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nxs450

I understand that we both acted on emotions at the time. But she continued to dismiss my feelings after I tried to talk with her.

So?

Be smarter than that. I know, easier said than done. But if you want to get anywhere, you have to get outside your comfort zone.

Crazy8 · 06-07-2012, 10:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nxs450

I understand that we both acted on emotions at the time. But she continued to dismiss my feelings after I tried to talk with her.

Right. But how sensitive were you to her feelings of shame? You weren't.

So you're saying "I was hurt, why didn't she pay attention to my feelings"?

But, you just did the same thing. What's crazy is she apologized for it.

I'm not saying she was 100% right. And you're 100% right for being upset. But you have to own up to the things you weren't right about. I'm guessing she's feeling about the same as you feel about this whole thing. That you're dismissing how she felt.

Crazy8 · 06-07-2012, 10:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zippy the chimp

You both betrayed each other, it is just a matter to what degree you classify the acts, to me an EA/PA is much worse than a one time thing with a hooker(no emotion) I am not condoning any of it you were both wrong. Look at it this way if I jump off of my shed I am going to get hurt, If I jump off my house I will probably die, I jumped in both cases so I am stupid. You do have more of a right to be upset and hurt and that never goes away she should remember that, so should you when she has an issue with what you did you have no right to complain or get upset it is what you are each feeling. You are both responsible to help and comfort each other when the betrayal issues come up today, tomorrow or in ten years.

Don't know about this.

From a strictly logical standpoint, you might be correct. But we're not dealing from a strictly logical standpoint. We're dealing from an emotional standpoint. Emotions is what got us here, and not logic. So, I'm not sure saying someone has a "right" to feel something over another is realistic. Both sides have the right to feel whatever. It's going to happen whether they have a right to it or not, so you might as well go with it.

You're also dismissing the shame the wife probably feels over a big mistake. What's the thing mistake in your life you're most ashamed of? Now imagine your wife or significant other shoves it in your face. And maybe this isn't the 1st time. How do you feel?

nxs450 · 06-08-2012, 12:31 AM

The big question is should I bring it up again? The last thing said was her text saying, "I guess your feelings matter more". All I ever wanted to do was talk about the way I felt too, when she origonaly brought her feelings up.

I don't work Sunday so I will bring it up again. Hopefully all will go well. Another thing she has been on testosterone cream for her libido, and she thinks it is making her irritable. Last weekend she switched to applying it every other day, instead of once a day.

turnera · 06-08-2012, 07:49 AM

Have you ever heard of validation? Look it up. What she said was said because she doesn't felt heard, validated, or cared about.

This is VERY valuable information, nxs. She's telling you that you're not doing a great job making her feel loved.

Have you read His Needs Her Needs? I suggest you get a copy and, Sunday, show it to her and ask her to read it with you. You will BOTH learn a LOT about what you should be doing in this relationship.