I figured I would get some feedback pertaining to the type of fights that occur with my wife. We've been married for a few years and most of the time are pretty much on the same page and enjoy each other's company. However, occasionally my wife acts just completely crazy is the only way I can describe it. I don't know if she has hormone issues or if this is just normal level of crazy and something you have to deal with in marriage. Anyway, I try to handle it but at a certain point the insanity truly makes my head feel like it is going to explode and I just want to get away from her...unfortunately that is something I'm not allowed to do. If a fight ever crops up and I try to say I don't want to fight or I try to go outside or something that usually makes it worse.
Anyway the latest event went as follows:
We both work and so we both have "chores" around the house. We alternate cooking nights etc.
Anyway, the morning was going great, we have a normal walk and then she asks if I want to go grocery shopping with her. She knows I don't. That is one of her "chores" and like I said she is well aware that it is something I have no interest in doing. Anyway, this being the 3rd "chore" of hers she'd tried to get me to do with her in the past week I said, "Why are you trying to share your chores with me?"
And that was it. She immediately got very defensive and even started with the guilt trips of how she was just trying to spend time with me and I was making her feel bad by saying that...
Once I could tell it was headed for a fight and did the usual, look I don't want to fight, what I said wasn't offensive, I'm not sure how you are making that sound so offensive but I'm not going to spend the day fighting. At this point she continues to argue and try to explain how I hurt her feelings and don't I want to know how she feels. Finally, I said I can't believe that I'm not allowed to make that comment about you wanting to share chores without having to hear this lecture about how I hurt your feelings and I go outside.
Immediately I hear bangs and loud noises in the house...go back inside, shes thrown a show into a wall and made a hole and she apparently also took my work laptop bag and slammed it into a wall as all the stuff is scattered about (luckily laptop wasn't in it) and scratches are all over the wall.
She immediately curses me and says look what I did because you don't care about my feelings...
If I'd done this as a man I would be accused of having an anger issue and perhaps violent etc. This isn't the first time she's thrown something at the walls.
I think she has a hormonal issue, there is no other way to explain the incredible emotional swings.
Uh, no. Not normal. I was neutral all thru your story about the grocery shopping, but the minute she starts throwing things through walls?
NO. WAY NOT NORMAL. Especially for a female, because that's not the way we usually express our anger. BTW, this is NOT hormonal. No, it's not. Hormonal is weeping and getting offended easily. Breaking walls is not hormonal.
You gots a problem, my friend. Is she in any kind of counseling? Would she consider it?
she sounds bipolar. i know because i am bipolar. she may have wanted to spend time with you, but when you made your comment she got very upset. with bipolar people. we want you to feel bad for making us feel bad or at least be as mad. when you dont react and you ignore or walk away. it drives us crazy that we didnt get the reaction we wanted from you. so we have to channel that anger somewhere. unfortunatly it is usally the stuff of the person that pisses us off. (sorry for spelling). if she isnt bipolar. then she may be stressed out at work or with other things and taking her anger out on you the first chance she gets.
with bipolar we think more about our feelings then others. and when you dont feel just as bad, its like an explosion. once that anger is at the surface, there is no turning back. i cant even begin to tell you all the s*** that i have done when pushed to my anger. it is not normal. soon when breaking things does not make her feel better, then breaking you will be next. going and getting on the proper meds makes a differnce. but if she isnt willing to speak to a therapist, then it will continue. the more anger you see explode, the easier it gets to show you the anger. we always love our spouse that we would even die for them. when we love, we love hard. just like the other emotions. talk to her. deep down she does want help.
I figured I would get some feedback pertaining to the type of fights that occur with my wife. We've been married for a few years and most of the time are pretty much on the same page and enjoy each other's company. However, occasionally my wife acts just completely crazy is the only way I can describe it. I don't know if she has hormone issues or if this is just normal level of crazy and something you have to deal with in marriage. Anyway, I try to handle it but at a certain point the insanity truly makes my head feel like it is going to explode and I just want to get away from her...unfortunately that is something I'm not allowed to do. If a fight ever crops up and I try to say I don't want to fight or I try to go outside or something that usually makes it worse.
Anyway the latest event went as follows:
We both work and so we both have "chores" around the house. We alternate cooking nights etc.
Anyway, the morning was going great, we have a normal walk and then she asks if I want to go grocery shopping with her. She knows I don't. That is one of her "chores" and like I said she is well aware that it is something I have no interest in doing. Anyway, this being the 3rd "chore" of hers she'd tried to get me to do with her in the past week I said, "Why are you trying to share your chores with me?"
And that was it. She immediately got very defensive and even started with the guilt trips of how she was just trying to spend time with me and I was making her feel bad by saying that...
Once I could tell it was headed for a fight and did the usual, look I don't want to fight, what I said wasn't offensive, I'm not sure how you are making that sound so offensive but I'm not going to spend the day fighting. At this point she continues to argue and try to explain how I hurt her feelings and don't I want to know how she feels. Finally, I said I can't believe that I'm not allowed to make that comment about you wanting to share chores without having to hear this lecture about how I hurt your feelings and I go outside.
Immediately I hear bangs and loud noises in the house...go back inside, shes thrown a show into a wall and made a hole and she apparently also took my work laptop bag and slammed it into a wall as all the stuff is scattered about (luckily laptop wasn't in it) and scratches are all over the wall.
She immediately curses me and says look what I did because you don't care about my feelings...
If I'd done this as a man I would be accused of having an anger issue and perhaps violent etc. This isn't the first time she's thrown something at the walls.
I think she has a hormonal issue, there is no other way to explain the incredible emotional swings.
sounds normal to me. you said, she has stuff she does, and you dont like going to the store to buy food....so she is stuck with that duty...
i think she just wanted to spend more time with you, and maybe she has done things with you that she hated doing, but she sucked it up and went along.
saying "why are you trying to share your chores with me??"
i think she just wanted to spend more time with you. my husband dosent like going dress shopping with me, but he goes, dosent complain, and makes it fun for the both of us.
i go and do his stuff also. i dont complain or make it so impossible with me that he would rather do alone.
i think she has held in her resentment, and it just came out all at once. when i read it to me i heard, i dont feel like doing this crap with you, and why should you expect me to spend time with you doing things, neither one of us wants...
i could be off base. but been there, done that, did that. the whole post. its been spread out over the years, and it changed to laundry, to post office, even salvation army.
so i screamed at him...broke something, and we had a silent week...but all i had to say was, i think we should do more things together. i want to be around you more. we laugh about some things now, and look back on how we just needed to talk more and open up.
Uh, no. Not normal. I was neutral all thru your story about the grocery shopping, but the minute she starts throwing things through walls?
NO. WAY NOT NORMAL. Especially for a female, because that's not the way we usually express our anger. BTW, this is NOT hormonal. No, it's not. Hormonal is weeping and getting offended easily. Breaking walls is not hormonal.
You gots a problem, my friend. Is she in any kind of counseling? Would she consider it?
I'm uncertain if there's a "normal" way of expressing anger. I'd say there are healthy and mature ways. And this isn't part of that.
I don't know if I'm way off here... but OP, when you mentioned the slamming and throwing of things, I just thought of a temper tantrum. She sounded frustrated at not getting her own way. Maybe there are issues for you to work out between you, but from where I'm sitting, the tantrum like that is screaming for attention and perhaps craving boundaries, like a child? I don't know, I don't have children but it's how it sounds to me.
So how do you handle that? How does one express that a tantrum isn't acceptable? I don't know much about BPD so I'm not considering that in my post.
so i screamed at him...broke something, and we had a silent week...but all i had to say was, i think we should do more things together. i want to be around you more. we laugh about some things now, and look back on how we just needed to talk more and open up.
How did you get to that point to realizing that's what was needed?
I grew up with a frustrated/resentful mother who I experienced slamming doors and stomping about. As a teenager, I started becoming a door slammer as well. When my bf (who become my H) and I first moved in together, we were young and had a disagreement and I stormed off and slammed the bedroom door. After a short time, he came into the room and calmly told me that that wasn't the way to be with him (the door slamming). That was the last time I did it. Sometimes it took mental discipline not to fall into those old patterns I'd learned but I knew he wouldn't put up with that kind of crap. And he didn't deserve it either. That's how I learned, being a door-slammer and throwing a tantrum was not cool.
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Is this normal behaviour? 
