I need advice from the men. My husband has made a few mistakes in the past, never EA or PA but just crossing some boundaries that made me uncomfortable. It took me a long time to get over these betrayals (maybe too long) because my feelings were so hurt.
We have been struggling for a couple of years now. It used to be when things were good they were so good, but we would fight often and I would always bring up old issues (unfair, I know). I have trouble hiding my feelings and am overly sensitive, meanwhile, he is self-admittedly quite insensitive. Every fight sort of chipped away at us and now when things are good they are just okay.
I am committed and ready to move on from our past issues and give him the full benefit of the doubt. I will not bring up the past issues and I am not angry about them. I am also going to put in a great effort to be less sensitive.
Our current issues are his lack of affection and kindness and failure to communicate. I tend to harp on these things and I don't get the response I am looking for.
Is it possible that because I was been bringing up old issues, I have not been letting him love me in a sense? Should I just back down and not mention when my feelings are hurt by lack of affection/kindness? He already knows what hurts my feelings and what I want, how many times can I ask? I know all men are different, but is he more likely to come around if I back down, be as happy as I can be and just try and move on with our life?
He does tell me he loves me, kisses me good-bye and we both initiate sex. He used to touch me all the time, random hugs, cuddles etc. I really miss that
I don't think you should back off of things you need of your husband. I do think, however, that you should re-frame your outlook to one of starting over.
In other words, "We used to cuddle all the time and we still don't any more!" is bad, "I've been missing you, can we watch a quick show and cuddle on the couch tonight?" is better.
You talked about how your big thing was bringing up old, negative issues, so instead, keep the communication open but keep it positive. He's going to need your guidance in giving you what you want, so your communication is just as important as his.
Lotsoflove, for a Man, old issues in the way you do them are exceedingly wounding. Keep wounding him and he will live without you no matter how much he loves you.
You know you hurt him. You know that. It’s a madness.
Every time you tell him you're not getting what you need, you're shaming him and driving him deeper into his shell. Frame it in a way that allows him a way to give you what you want and make him feel manly at the same time.
I don't think you should back off of things you need of your husband. I do think, however, that you should re-frame your outlook to one of starting over.
In other words, "We used to cuddle all the time and we still don't any more!" is bad, "I've been missing you, can we watch a quick show and cuddle on the couch tonight?" is better.
You talked about how your big thing was bringing up old, negative issues, so instead, keep the communication open but keep it positive. He's going to need your guidance in giving you what you want, so your communication is just as important as his.
Thanks for your response. I have tried that and I feel like the communication started positively and then moved in a different direction when I felt there was little response. For example, I told him "I love going to amusement parks with you because we hold hands and hug and kiss as we wait in line and it's like to good old days" which turned to "I would love a little more affection from you" to "I need more affection from you" to "I am hurting from lack of affection from you".
I feel like I am not being heard no matter how I frame it
Lotsoflove, for a Man, old issues in the way you do them are exceedingly wounding. Keep wounding him and he will live without you no matter how much he loves you.
You know you hurt him. You know that. It’s a madness.
I know, it is unfair. I think I was telling myself "I am upset and angry and I have every right to be", but maybe deep down maybe I was trying to hurt him because I was hurt or fooling myself into thinking I could prevent such behavior by reminding him that I hadn't forgotten
I have gained clarity from this and I am committed to moving forward positively. Maybe he just needs more time to see that I really over the past and wont be bringing it up.
Every time you tell him you're not getting what you need, you're shaming him and driving him deeper into his shell. Frame it in a way that allows him a way to give you what you want and make him feel manly at the same time.
Thanks for your response. I feel like I have tried to do this and with a lack of response, my communications steered from positive to negative. I will keep this in mind and am open to suggestions!
Lotsoflove, you said your sexlife was fine, but I'm guessing it is not.
How often do you have sex? (Sorry, very personal question. But it's an anonymous forum.)
Frequency of sex varies since he is in med school, on average I would say 2-3 times per week, but when he is really pre-occupied maybe 1 time on my initiation. We vary positions, have foreplay and both get satisfied. He has admitted that he feels a little odd sometimes initiating sex when we have barely seen or spoken to one another all day and I told him I would rather him initiate sex at that time and have that time to connect than just go to sleep.
Lotsoflove, I have another question for you... you say that you are willing to move on from the past issues, but by that, do you mean you have done the work as far as hashing it out, finding common ground, and reaching compromise... or are you just burying whatever it was and trying to move on?
What boundaries did he cross and how did you resolve it?
just from my experience, my wife will continually bring up past issues even though i have apologized and not repeated those behaviors. it's like "well, i can't beat you up for anything else so i'll just fall back on the old ones." when she does that i just pull back more and more.
our marriage counselor told us that you can't discuss the future by rehashing the past. you can't forget what happened but if you can't forgive then you really can't move forward.
Lotsoflove, I have another question for you... you say that you are willing to move on from the past issues, but by that, do you mean you have done the work as far as hashing it out, finding common ground, and reaching compromise... or are you just burying whatever it was and trying to move on?
What boundaries did he cross and how did you resolve it?
We've discussed it ad-nauseum, much to his dismay. He apologized a long time ago and we agreed to boundaries, my problem was accepting the apology and believing he would abide to the boundaries we had set.
We had broken up for a short while and dated other people (we started dating at 20 and were having some growing pains). When we were back together, things were going amazing and he had to go on deployment.
He told me the girl he dated would like to see him when we docked in Cali and I said I felt uncomfortable. He made me feel bad when he told me her feelings were hurt that I didn't want them hanging out.
He left for deployment and we were in constant communication (he was on a carrier, males and females unlike submarines.) There were plenty of "don't worries", "i love you", "i would never jeopardize our relationship, "you are the one" and so on, so forth. He came home, we started planning a wedding and I was the happiest girl in the world. We made it through a hard time unscathed.
We got pregnant unexpectedly and decided that we would hold off on the wedding, no big deal. Weeks after I had our son, our family came to visit and he fell asleep on the floor. I went to shut down his computer and there were naked pictures of the girl he dated, he said they were from when they were dating and he had forgotten about them. Come to find out, he did send her an email while we were together and he was on deployment asking her for naked pictures. I was humiliated and I thought things were perfect. I felt like the rug came out from under me and we had a newborn. I found a few more instances where he more or less made himself sound available or would be in contact with ex's complimenting them or speaking poorly of me. I was so confused because this was all in conflict with how he talked to me and what I thought his character was.
He says he screwed up and would never cheat but I had a hard time accepting it because I felt like everything he had ever told me was b.s. Like these incidents negated everything good.
I do love him and I don't think he would have an affair. But I just recently realized if I don't just let it go and move on, I will push him away for good which is the one thing I was trying to prevent. Nobody is perfect, but I can honestly say I have been completely loyal and honest with him for a decade, I was hurt to realize I was not getting the same in return.
just from my experience, my wife will continually bring up past issues even though i have apologized and not repeated those behaviors. it's like "well, i can't beat you up for anything else so i'll just fall back on the old ones." when she does that i just pull back more and more.
our marriage counselor told us that you can't discuss the future by rehashing the past. you can't forget what happened but if you can't forgive then you really can't move forward.
Thank you, this is what I have realized. Hopefully, in time, he will see that I am done bringing it up and that will bring us closer. I think I thought I could keep us together by reminding him what his behavior should be by continually noting I hadn't forgotten his past behavior, but instead I was making it harder for us to get close again.
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Men: How would you react? 
