That was the first time I heard her basically come out and acknowledge that she didn't have feelings for me anymore and it really hurt.
Why bother with all of this spy stuff? Between her words above, and her obvious cheating, I'd tell her to go eff herself, and then call a lawyer. If she wants the marriage, you'll know it...right away.
So then this past weekend we go to a party at the other womans house and the trainer was of course there. My wife made me promise not to discuss the city incident with any of them as it would make her uncomfortable. At the party, he was drunk as was I. We were being cordial with one another and it was cool. he seemed like a good guy. At some point in the evening he asked me "Don't you trust your wife?". I was too drunk to remember what prompted it but it seemed like a really personal question from someone who I had essentially just met and only had idle chit chat with. I told him "I trust her. I don't trust you". He said something else and I walked away. I didn't think much of it at the time but I told my wife right away in case it got back to her. I thought she would laugh it off since technically I didn't violate the promise. She blew up. She told everyone she was leaving because she was mad at me (people I don't know which was pretty awkward) and she drove home drunk. I sat there a bit and then felt bad and apologized to the trainer though I don't remember what I said other than saying I felt uncomfortable with their relationship and that it wasn't their fault but mine.
Thanks.
OP, Pay special attention to this episode and the part in red.
1. Basically you kept your part of the promise inspite of the drunk b'day party and other things that happened.
2. Trainer provoked you by asking "Don't you trust your wife" [None of his business]
3. He asked you that since your W has been talking to this guy about your marriage - which is wrong!!
4. Even then you keep cool and instead of giving him a piece of your mind, you say something benign like "I trust her, I dont trust you" Well... OK
5. Now instead of you getting angry over the trainer's provocation, your wife gets angry with you & creates a scene!!
6. And you feel bad and end up apologizing to the trainer!!!! and moreover telling him that the fault is YOURS. Really???????
Don't you think there is something terribly wrong here!!!???? Your wife was wrong for discussing your marriage with someone who is not concerned and is probably paid out of your salary. She is also wrong for continuing to be in contact with him in spite of your discomfort. The trainer is wrong for entertaining such a conversation, crossing boundaries set by his job duties (is he a trainer or an MC or both??). He is also wrong for trying to provoke you at the party, and asking you stuff as if he is some kind of an authority. Again your wife is wrong since she choose to get angry at YOU instead of HIM. And you apologize for this.
Hi again...
I can assure you this is a very real situation. Like I said I think I have aspergers so I may not pick up on red flags and stuff the way other people do.
Also, this guy is almost my age. And even though he is a trainer and bigger than me, I could easily kick his ass given my martial arts experience. I regularly train with many MMA fighters. He was actually trying to get me to wrestle with another fighter at the party but both the fighter and I agreed that would be a bad idea. I was wondering if the trainer was sizing me up or just thought it was be fun to watch us roll.
I had originally posted this hoping that I'd receive some encouraging words that I was right to be concerned but that most likely nothing was happening. I feel really terrible now after reading these comments. I appreciate all of them.
Hi again...
I can assure you this is a very real situation. Like I said I think I have aspergers so I may not pick up on red flags and stuff the way other people do.
Also, this guy is almost my age. And even though he is a trainer and bigger than me, I could easily kick his ass given my martial arts experience. I regularly train with many MMA fighters. He was actually trying to get me to wrestle with another fighter at the party but both the fighter and I agreed that would be a bad idea. I was wondering if the trainer was sizing me up or just thought it was be fun to watch us roll.
I had originally posted this hoping that I'd receive some encouraging words that I was right to be concerned but that most likely nothing was happening. I feel really terrible now after reading these comments. I appreciate all of them.
He is mocking you. He likes pushing your buttons. He is enjoying dominating you by having your wife right in front of you.
Never apologize to the guy that is after your wife. You essentailly are being submissive to him. This encourages him and your wife further.
Why do you play these games?
She IS cheating on you.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Last edited by Entropy3000; 06-13-2012 at 03:01 PM.
Hi again...
I can assure you this is a very real situation. Like I said I think I have aspergers so I may not pick up on red flags and stuff the way other people do.
Also, this guy is almost my age. And even though he is a trainer and bigger than me, I could easily kick his ass given my martial arts experience. I regularly train with many MMA fighters. He was actually trying to get me to wrestle with another fighter at the party but both the fighter and I agreed that would be a bad idea. I was wondering if the trainer was sizing me up or just thought it was be fun to watch us roll.
I had originally posted this hoping that I'd receive some encouraging words that I was right to be concerned but that most likely nothing was happening. I feel really terrible now after reading these comments. I appreciate all of them.
Well, let's talk about what you did get out of these posts: You got affirmation from others that you have every right to be concerned. As a "man who brings home income", and a married man, you also have a right to tell her that you can no longer tolerate a marriage with this trainer in the picture, and reinforce your boundaries. It seems obvious that you know what fair, mutually supportive boundaries are. And from a position of most power, you know that it is better to resolve her willingness to stay married, in a healthy marriage, now rather than later, when the children are grown and she will just pull out the divorce card.
That's just my opinion, but I think you can use this input from others as validation that it is right to fight for your marriage, and force her to make a decision ASAP.
He was actually trying to get me to wrestle with another fighter at the party but both the fighter and I agreed that would be a bad idea. I was wondering if the trainer was sizing me up or just thought it was be fun to watch us roll.
Good move by you. He probably figured win-or-lose, you'd look foolish rolling on the floor at a party. Too bad you didn't instead offer to roll with trainer guy. Between this, and his "don't you trust your wife" comment...sounds like this guy is effing with you.
I have invested tens of thousands of dollars in my own personal gym.
My wife used to workout before I met her.
So I did it with her in mind.
I love to workout ,she loves to workout. Sometimes she spots for me,and most importantly,
I TRAIN HER.
No man can come into my house and be in ANY ROOM with my wife without me being there. Full stop.
There are lots of sexy female trainers, maybe you should get one too and lets see how she feels about that?
Jus sayin.
Yeah the more I think about it, the guy is seeking to push you and show his dominance over you.
No doubt your wife has been submissively throwing herself at him, begging his forgiveness for not staying in the city, for telling you too much, for you being mad at her etc.
So at the party he decided to peacocq a bit. He was trying to show her he was dominant over you and could goad you.
Things you dud good: you let he leave and didn't run after her.
Things you did horribly: apologizing to the OM and her. Out of three , you are the only one who did nothing wrong. Posted via Mobile Device
So, Insecure what's it going to be? Act or continue to put your tail between your legs?
You need to tell this POS that if he sets foot in your house again, you will considerit breaking and entering and you WILL kick his azz and have him arrested! Send him a letter canceling his "services" to your wife first so there's proof (Certified would be a good idea)
Then tell your wife you fired his azz! See what type of a reaction this elicits from her. Also be sure to have all your monitoring set up before this (you should have all of this stuff purchased by 9 PM tonight!)
Best buy cells VARs , Olympus is popular. By a couple so you can have them deployed while listening to ones you have retrieved. Velcro is a good way to secure them in cars. Posted via Mobile Device
No man can come into my house and be in ANY ROOM with my wife without me being there. Full stop.
Agree. Along these lines, I was getting a (legit) massage at a place a few months ago. At some point, she leans in and tells me, "I do this on the side as well. Call me directly next time, and you'll pay less. I can just come over to your house and do it."
I told her, "Um...I don't think my wife would be too cool with that."
Hi again...
I can assure you this is a very real situation. Like I said I think I have aspergers so I may not pick up on red flags and stuff the way other people do.
Also, this guy is almost my age. And even though he is a trainer and bigger than me, I could easily kick his ass given my martial arts experience. I regularly train with many MMA fighters. He was actually trying to get me to wrestle with another fighter at the party but both the fighter and I agreed that would be a bad idea. I was wondering if the trainer was sizing me up or just thought it was be fun to watch us roll.
I had originally posted this hoping that I'd receive some encouraging words that I was right to be concerned but that most likely nothing was happening. I feel really terrible now after reading these comments. I appreciate all of them.
You need to bring your martial arts experience into your attitude. What would you do if someone were to kick you during your martial art practice? You would kick him back, right? That is exactly what you need to do. You need to protect your territory and not take any more crap. Stop saying sorry this man and to your W. As people suggest chances are that this is already an EA/PA and even if not there yet, whatever is going on is highly inappropriate!! The only way you can possibly stop this is by putting your foot down.
I agree with Entropy that the b'day party could have been just a plan to give this trainer a grand b'day present of "group sex". Why else wld her friends get so angry for not getting to stay over? Not inviting you to the party also a red flag. And telling you that she was too drunk to remember anything is a classic cover up. Why wld she get so drunk in the company of a man who is not her H???
And yes, the other episode of the trainer trying to get you to wrestle at the party is also provocative and/or intended to mock you. So he tried to do this twice in the short span that he met you at the party. I think you need to put your foot down, and have her select her priorities. If she doesn't care for you it would be wise to let her go. If you keep fooling yourself you are likely to get hurt badly!
I have invested tens of thousands of dollars in my own personal gym.
My wife used to workout before I met her.
So I did it with her in mind.
I love to workout ,she loves to workout. Sometimes she spots for me,and most importantly,
I TRAIN HER. No man can come into my house and be in ANY ROOM with my wife without me being there. Full stop.
There are lots of sexy female trainers, maybe you should get one too and lets see how she feels about that?
Jus sayin.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Hi again...
I can assure you this is a very real situation. Like I said I think I have aspergers so I may not pick up on red flags and stuff the way other people do.
Also, this guy is almost my age. And even though he is a trainer and bigger than me, I could easily kick his ass given my martial arts experience. I regularly train with many MMA fighters. He was actually trying to get me to wrestle with another fighter at the party but both the fighter and I agreed that would be a bad idea. I was wondering if the trainer was sizing me up or just thought it was be fun to watch us roll.
I had originally posted this hoping that I'd receive some encouraging words that I was right to be concerned but that most likely nothing was happening. I feel really terrible now after reading these comments. I appreciate all of them.
I'm really familiar with Asperger's and if you have it, you're a very high functioning Aspie.
It looks to me like you're fine reading the red flags that others see. You see the flags but you're desperately hoping it's something else. But it's not something else.
I know you got beaten up over the party incident and here comes another 2x4.. you should never have apologized to the trainer over what happened at the party. There was nothing to apologize for based on what you've posted so far. I say that as a woman who likes nice guys. There are times to apologize and that was not one of those moments. You need to show your strength. You can do that without tackling someone to the ground. True story, at a grad school party, a guy came on to me right in front of my husband too. Guess what...my husband took charge of the situation, turned it around then he took my hand, we left the party.
Don't know if its been mentioned but the friend(s) that told your wife to lie to you during the city episode are no friends of yours or your marriage.
Also,why is it that a married woman,or for that matter any woman,has to have a male personal trainer? Is it written in some rule book somewhere? All the female personal trainers I've seen look pretty amazing,so you would think they would know what works best for women at least as well as,or if not better than a man.
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Re: Jealous for the first time 
