Jealous for the first time

sculley · 06-14-2012, 01:18 PM

Dear the calling each other names and joking around is honestly the first way to bond...I used to do that and still do with my husband. I find it hilarious and it lightens up the environment if things are stressful. She is being stressed by you (not your fault...hers) so she works out with this guy relieves her stress because working out does that and gives you those feel good chemicals and she is unknowingly or knowingly bonding with her trainer....

as for the marriage proofing....There are guidelines put out when your dating usually or you find out what would be your SO deal breakers in a relationship/marriage just by getting to know them. They could be simple or complex considering what they person has had to deal with in the past.

For example....Like I would never be okay with my husband working out with a female especially since my first husband had a female workout partner after refusing to workout with me and it lead to an affair that I gave him chances to end the working out/friendship three times... (EXPERIENCE IS HERE ON THIS FORUM TRYING TO HELP YOU not to make the same mistakes) There are just certain things you know when you date someone that they would not be okay with.... My husband I know that if I were to put another man over spending any time with him would be hell to pay... There are just some things that you don't do because it's disrespectful regardless of the many excuses.

I believe you are so scared of loosing your wife from your past problems that your willing to take it on the chin a little too much.

Bottled Up · 06-14-2012, 01:18 PM

Why don't you test your wife and say "Look, I certainly don't want you to stop doing something you love. But our relationship means we both need to respect each other's needs and boundaries in a loving an supportive way. I'm a guy and my gut says this guy is a threat to our marriage, whether you can see it or not. It makes me uncomfortable, and you should respect that. So why don't you get a female trainer instead and then you can keep doing what YOU love while also respecting MY need to remove this man from our lives?"

See what she says to this. If she reacts harshly, you can immediately use that reaction against her and say "I see, so it's not the workout you love so much, it's the workout with this particular guy. And judging by your reaction to me, your own husband, apparently keeping him in your life is much more important to you than your own husband's need for comfort and security. I see where you stand now... and now I am absolutely sure this man is a threat to our marriage."

Maricha75 · 06-14-2012, 01:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Insecure

The laughter is the result of the way they talk to each other and the way he motivates her. He calls her a ***** if she can't do a lift and she tells him to F off and then they laugh about it. That probably sounds bad. Certainly in light of what has been said here it sounds unprofessional on the trainers part but since it was also a described to me as a platonic friendship I thought it was not a problem.

Like I said, sorry about the nutty comment. I wasn't prepared for the responses I got. I was originally just wondering if you all could let me know if you thought this guy had bad intentions. I wasn't expecting the comments about my wife. I scanned the posts on here before posting this but I'm by no means a regular. I created my account just for this post. It caught me off guard. Everything does apparently.

We've never made marriage proof rules nor have I ever heard of it.

Ok, then the answer to the question: YES!
And your wife also has bad intentions. You just refuse to see it. Sorry if this makes me sound crazy. But it's true. You so badly want to believe she is innocent... but she is not. And, regarding the "no touching"... BS. There is touching. Inappropriate touching, disguised as appropriate. Now, what are you actually going to DO to STOP it?

Entropy3000 · 06-14-2012, 01:26 PM

Well what ever he calls her it shows up as ***** so we don't know his pet word for her, but you have successfully turned this completely around and are defending the two of them continually. Again this follows a typical script.

So good, let her have her OM because its all good clean fun and training. Maybe they will let you watch at some point.

HurtinginTN · 06-14-2012, 01:39 PM

Dude, sorry you are going through this. Read my threads. Same deal. Get "No More Mr. Nice Guy." I'm still working on that.

sculley · 06-14-2012, 01:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Entropy3000

Well what ever he calls her it shows up as ***** so we don't know his pet word for her, but you have successfully turned this completely around and are defending the two of them continually. Again this follows a typical script.

So good, let her have her OM because its all good clean fun and training. Maybe they will let you watch at some point.

The fact that she would rather end it then to allow you down there or to pt with them speaks VOLUMES....really sounds like you came on here wanting our advice and criticized it because it's not what you want to hear. I am sorry but I think you have a bit of stockholm syndrome. You act like you should be thankful that she doesnt leave you. You might have done wrong in the past by not being there for her (but you have a disorder...my husband has a disorder kind of like that) and you seem to have gotten yourself together but it does not give her the excuse or right to do this to you

Machiavelli · 06-14-2012, 01:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bottled Up

This is exactly why if my wife ever wants to get a personal trainer in the future, I will insist on same-gender trainers only.

Allowing your spouse to do physical routines with an opposite-gender "body expert" is just straight up foolish. Why would you want your spouse spending hot, sweaty, physical time with someone who has a superior body to yours????

NEVER!

I agree. The results are much better with a dykey roided up female trainer putting her hands all over your wife. Female bisexuality really seems to come with this territory.

Machiavelli · 06-14-2012, 02:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Entropy3000

And it really goes way beyond a trainer being fit. But that does matter a lot. He is a hot guy that pays attention to her. It is a confident man mentoring the woman and praising her continually. She gets his full attention. She gets to tweak her clothing to add to her enjoyment and his for this attention.

There is touching. It can often be very inappropriate. It does not have to be of course. But she will start wanting in her mind for that touch to linger longer and stray a bit. There are ways she can encourage this. i.e. she can trace a part of her body and talk about how sore it is or whatever or that she really felt that movement or that she really like the way her @$$ looks now. Gigggle, giggle. He can pickup on that cue by tracing along those muscles. Heck just supporting a womans neck postition gently with his hands can be very erotic while being plausible.

It is a seduction over time. A breaking down of boundaries. It is PUA. Sometimes it is the woman who is the ones pursuing this. He can always massage her a bit as well to warmup. This allows the PT to tell her how hot and sexy she is. So not just encouragement but a level of banter that is beyond flirting. The woman at some point will respond by praising the trainer and how hot he is. She may then staet compating him to her husband and telling him who superior he is to her husband. That is damage enough for the PT to hear but the ral damage is the affirmations she is making in her own mind.

If this was in an open gym it would be a little harder to do this stuff as opposed in a woman's home. Especially when half the fun is humiliating the husband.

Exactly right, you've nailed it right down the line. In PUA, this is called "kino." Plus, it's been shown that women who train are more into muscular guys than less fit women. If husband isn't keeping up sex rank he's going to be effed. This is how Elvis' wife ended up with her karate instructor.

Entropy3000 · 06-14-2012, 03:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sculley

The fact that she would rather end it then to allow you down there or to pt with them speaks VOLUMES....really sounds like you came on here wanting our advice and criticized it because it's not what you want to hear. I am sorry but I think you have a bit of stockholm syndrome. You act like you should be thankful that she doesnt leave you. You might have done wrong in the past by not being there for her (but you have a disorder...my husband has a disorder kind of like that) and you seem to have gotten yourself together but it does not give her the excuse or right to do this to you

Entropy3000 · 06-14-2012, 03:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Insecure View Post
Like I said, sorry about the nutty comment. I wasn't prepared for the responses I got. I was originally just wondering if you all could let me know if you thought this guy had bad intentions. I wasn't expecting the comments about my wife. I scanned the posts on here before posting this but I'm by no means a regular. I created my account just for this post. It caught me off guard. Everything does apparently.

We've never made marriage proof rules nor have I ever heard of it.

We understand your question. After you painted the picture you did it became evident to us that you were asking the wrong question.

The OM while playing a key role in this situation is not the key person who you need to be most concerned about. That would be your wife.

It is her behavior that is the problem. She is being inappropriate and unfaithful to you. Even if we do not have direct evidence of her physically cheating with this guy yet. She is just way out of bounds. So forgive us for dwelling on the elephant in your living room while you ask us if you have too many peanuts on the coffee table.

But your wife is not posting here. The most unsettling part of this is that you refuse to trust your gut feelings and continue to justify your wifes behavior. You refuse to handle this decisively.
So this turns into a morality play.

Other Man -- Problematic. Yes he wants to bang your wife and she may already be part of his client harum. He at the least is seducing her and grooming her for this.

Toxic Friends -- These toxic friends have their own agenda. Perhaps they feel that your wife wants to have this boy toy. But I suspect they are using your wife for favors from the PT. They are in essence here his minions. They are not a friend of the marriage. I am guessing the birthday night was about some group sex. "Dear Penthouse"

Your Wife -- I won't rehash all the various things she is doing to destroy her marriage. I do not know her motivation but her actions say that she is at the least cake eating and at the worst wants to cuckold you. The truth may be in the gray in between but no matter she is the one you would like to get back on track.

Yourself -- Right now your worst enemy is yourself. I hope at least you are struggling inside and will eventually come to your senses and do something here. Time is not your friend.

So you have come here and in essence ask ...

"Will my marriage be destroyed or will it prosper again?"

The answer of course is ...

"Your marriage is in your hands my friend"

Entropy3000 · 06-14-2012, 06:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Machiavelli

Exactly right, you've nailed it right down the line. In PUA, this is called "kino." Plus, it's been shown that women who train are more into muscular guys than less fit women. If husband isn't keeping up sex rank he's going to be effed. This is how Elvis' wife ended up with her karate instructor.

I confess I did not know this.

How a Black Gi brought about Elvis Persiley divorce

This is compelling stuff. You had perhaps the most desired male on the planet at the time. Many older women still worship his memory and he has been gone sine 1977. Yet he lost his wife to her karate personal trainer.

I find the link above to be an interesting perspective here.

So all things considered we have a situation where the wife was bonding with her trainer. She ends up leaving Elvis over this. And then there is Shaq.

Goldmember357 · 06-16-2012, 01:57 AM

Troll?

If not than

Divorce her

this is only going to further ruin your quality of life you have ignored a million red flags. Best of luck

AFEH · 06-16-2012, 03:40 AM

I think some of us men neither listen to our emotions or when we do we don’t trust them.

For example the emotions of jealousy and insecurity. I think at times the bigger the Man we try and be, the more likely we are to ignore and suppress those two emotions. For example real men aren’t supposed to be jealous. Real men aren’t supposed to feel insecure.

And so we ignore the signals our body has evolved over millennia to tell us. Well, not just to tell us but at times to shout and scream at us.

And then just like a man we try and rationalise our feelings. And we do that by asking our wife what’s going on. And the very next thing we do is we believe what they tell us. Because we’re so in love with them and anyway they wouldn’t lie, deceive and manipulate the heck out us would they?

At the end of the day the man must trust his gut. It’s what it’s there for. He must trust his emotions over and above all else. Including his wife.

You have to either end your wife’s relationship with the trainer or end your relationship with your wife. You do that by giving your wife the choice of it’s you or the trainer.

Her answer will tell you all you need to know.

AFEH · 06-16-2012, 04:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Entropy3000

When I read the original post it amazed me that despite seeing red flag after read flag you did nothing but exacerbate the problems. Also you have every reason to feel jealous and insecure. You failed to dominate however. Big mistake.

We can play games with the word controlling and say that we cannot control people. Let me rephrase this them. You failed to be dominant in a situation that required you to be from the start.

See this is where I disagree. Even having been a dominant man!

As soon as one person tries to dominate another against their will, it is the dominant person who is the aggressor and who is in the wrong.

Dominance does not take account of “free will”. In fact dominance DENIES free will.

In the case of the OP it is his wife’s “free will” that enables her to do whatever she likes. She is free to have her affair, free to lie to and deceive her H. Free to bang her trainer if indeed that’s what she is doing. His wife is free to do all sorts of things and it’s that very freedom that millions of good men and women have died for.

As soon as he tries to dominate her and thereby prevent her doing what she is doing he has lost.

This is where boundaries come in. In this case boundaries of intolerance. It goes something like “You are free to do whatever you please and I sincerely hope that you find your joy and happiness in doing what you are doing. Meanwhile that trainer will never again set foot in my home again. And if you continue to meet with him I will divorce you”.

All you do is what is within your power to do.

AFEH · 06-16-2012, 04:42 AM

In fact the more you try and dominant someone’s expression of their free will, the more energised they become to express it!

You will NOT smoke. Guess what happens. You will NOT drink. Guess what happens.

Trying to suppress someone’s expression of their free will by dominating them is rather like throwing petrol on a fire in an attempt to put it out. In that trying to dominate them actually ENERGISES them to keep on doing what they are doing.

But it’s far far worse than that. You tried to dominate them but you didn’t succeed. You tried to control their behaviour and again you didn’t succeed. Now they know for a fact they can get away with anything! And so they are even more energised to keep on doing what they are doing.

But assert your boundaries and tell them what you will not tolerate let’s them know that if they continue what the consequences will be.

It is they who then must make their choice. It’s either A or it’s B. It is not A and B. And that choice is made by their own FREE WILL. Which is exceptionally important!