I am talking about dominating the situation. He needs to not just let all of these things go and go and go.
I think being afraid to dominate is a paralyzing fear.
Instead he ends up being dominated by the PT.
You do know we are not disagreeing here. Right?
Dominating this situation is refusing to be a dormat. Refusing to show weakness. Showing weakness IMO enables her lack of respect for him.
Allowing anyone to disrespect you is flat out wrong and sends the signal to continue to disrespect you. It is not attractive.
Maybe you are one that believes if they want to cheat they will cheat.
This just leaves out most of the people who end up being unfaithful. He essentially has allowed and continues to allow another man to seduce his wife.
He should not have been ok with the male personal trainer. He also should have stopped all this nonsense all along the way. He should have invoked boundaries way way way sooner.
I don’t know. With a woman such as my wife you could try and dominate her all you like she’d still go ahead and do what she wanted to do. I think most women do when they have a crush on/are in the affair fog. Surely trying to dominate them has the downside of making their H look like an ass and drives them closer to the other man. It gives her and om something to share and talk about such that their bond gets even stronger.
And what would be gained from thumping and dominating the man she’s in love with, the one she has a crush on and is in the affair fog with. Again surely that would just drive her further into his arms.
I think it far better to wake up and see that he’s in direction competition with another man for his wife’s affections. And that as of right now he is losing that competition. And he’d be daft to do anything like thump the other man or dominate her such that he goes even further down the scale in his wife’s heart and mind.
He has to assert his boundaries and tell her “It’s him or me”. And if it’s him I’ll help you pack your bags.
That will force her to take a good hard look at her actual life with her H in comparison with her potential, imagined life with the other guy. That alone may wake her up out of her fog and see what’s really been going on.
It is after all, her choice.
Of course the OP has done it all wrong to date. And with his current level of apathy and indifference I can’t see much changing.
I think in these things a man needs to understand what his emotions are telling him while at the same time having them under control. I don’t think he needs physical strength because use of it will get him into yet more trouble than he’s already in. But he should make it clear that he will not be crossed and will not take any nonsense lightly. But he does need fortitude, staying power and forbearance. And he needs to readily forgive such that he can see cause and effect and other things going on around him very clearly. He also needs cunning and wisdom.
I don’t know. With a woman such as my wife you could try and dominate her all you like she’d still go ahead and do what she wanted to do. I think most women do when they have a crush on/are in the affair fog. Surely trying to dominate them has the downside of making their H look like an ass and drives them closer to the other man. It gives her and om something to share and talk about such that their bond gets even stronger.
And what would be gained from thumping and dominating the man she’s in love with, the one she has a crush on and is in the affair fog with. Again surely that would just drive her further into his arms.
I think it far better to wake up and see that he’s in direction competition with another man for his wife’s affections. And that as of right now he is losing that competition. And he’d be daft to do anything like thump the other man or dominate her such that he goes even further down the scale in his wife’s heart and mind.
He has to assert his boundaries and tell her “It’s him or me”. And if it’s him I’ll help you pack your bags.
That will force her to take a good hard look at her actual life with her H in comparison with her potential, imagined life with the other guy. That alone may wake her up out of her fog and see what’s really been going on.
It is after all, her choice.
Of course the OP has done it all wrong to date. And with his current level of apathy and indifference I can’t see much changing.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
my DH would lose his ever-lovin' mind if I took a guy as a work out partner or hired a male personal trainer and I used to be a competitive bodybuilder and power-lifter (meaning I was / am again pretty serious about my workouts!) he'd put his foot down immediately. no discussion. I am a pretty alpha as a female but I Count On my DH to be above me in the alpha hierarchy and remind me where my boundaries are if I was so silly as to forget. and I love him for it!! I did have a male dressage riding instructor two years ago (I ride horses) and he definitely did not appreciate that but tolerated it as I was making progress, got good test scores and he was invited to attend EVERY lesson, EVERY show, EVERY clinic, etc. etc. (but chose not to.) however in riding there is a lot more clothes on and the trainer never gets close to the person or hopefully to the horse (which was the problem I ultimately had with the guy, he man-handled my horse one time and I had to fire him; my DH agreed at that point he had to GO. we have a lot invested in the horse.) I have a female instructor now and DH is much happier. even with my new trainer, my DH is always invited to lessons, to the show, to the clinic, etc. so he knows he can check up on where I am and with whom I am at any time. just as it should be. :-D being alone with a man working out? no. not gonna happen in this life. wouldn't happen even if we were meeting at a public gym in town. just no.
OK, I haven't even finished reading the entire post and all I can see are flashing lights and HUGE Red Flags here.
Here's the warning signs and flags:
1- She said she didn't feel a need to stop using him (this after you expressed concern. Very disrespectful to YOU and the marriage)
2 - they were discussing his own failing relationship and they were discussing his sexual interest in the other women. OK, now they are getting WAY too personal and having discussions only married couples should. I'm willing to bet that your wife also discussed your relationship with her. A huge red flag!
3 - "I was told I could not go because I am not friends with him. It turned out that it was just the trainer, my wife, the other woman, and a young single attractive girl who was apparently a former client" - DING! DING! DING! - Major alarm bells going off here! If it was your wife who told you it was going to be a big group, she LIED to you!
4 - "they all got drunk to the point that they don't really remember what happened" - Get out the Bullsh1t stamp for this one. They ALL know what happened. Actually, some scenes from porn movies are running through my mind right now! If they were this fvcked up, how did they manage to negotiate the trip on the train home and how did they get from the home train station back to their homes???
5 - "she does seem secretive about her phone text messages and facebook private messages" - RED FLAG
6 - "She blew up. She told everyone she was leaving because she was mad at me (people I don't know which was pretty awkward) and she drove home drunk." - Uh Oh! Red Flag!
7 - "She said she didn't understand my problem with this guy" - Are you kidding me????
8 - "She didn't come out and say she doesn't love me but when I insinuated it she didn't deny it. I said I thought she viewed me as someone who brings home a paycheck and is a father figure to our 8 year old daughter and that's it and she kind of agreed" - Time Out! You have said you've read abouth this thing here (women's relationships with their trainers) and you don't regognize this as ILYBNILWY?
Summary:
If your wife isn't already banging this guy, she is at least in and Emotional Affair with him!
While some will point to the issue where she was the one who insisted they all get on the train that night, I think she did that so none of the other women would have a turn with him that night or she didn't want to share him in a four way that night!
First and foremost, this should be in the Coping With Infidelity Forum. They'll adise you to do the following:
Investigate - get a keylogger on the PC ASAP/ Buy a voice activated recorder or two (and place one in the home gym and the other under the front seat of her car with heavy duty velcro)/ Get her cell phone records and look at the number/times/dates of texts and calls to her trainer
If your post is legit, you've got a SERIOUS problem. Do not have sex with your wife until you sort this out and in the meantime, get an STD test
She's staying with you for your money!
^^^Sorry I have not caught up with other people's post, but do exactly as this person says. This is dead on right. Your wife is showing all the signs of at the very least an EA (emotional affair).
She could have possibly already cheated on you or thinking about. That whole party in the city is B.S., first she should have let you come, she lied, got drunk off her ass and is defending her relationship with him. Any good wife, would have acknowledged how uncomfrotable it makes her husband feel, she would have found a new trainer, but your wife is fighting for this man, RED FLAGS!!! I think your wife has "bigger" plans for him and her.
I would start monitoring as this user suggested, that is the only way to give yourself a peace of mind without pissing her off further. Althought I do think it's not normal for her to be acting like this, and the fact that she fighting with you over it. Your words and concerns should have been enough.
After reading through all of your posts, I got bit frustrated. You really aren't understanding what everyone is saying to you, you are lying to your own self and making excuses for your wife, because you don't want to know the truth, you think you do but you don't...you are setting yourself for a disaster. Just plant some cameras/voice recording devices, than you will know. Put in her car, that way it record any conversation she has while in it. Cheaters cover up their tracks better than anyone else, your wife is already showing all the signs of it.
It's clear you are not a priority for her and the only resaon she is sorta of complying is because you bring in those paychecks. She lovs the stability and comfort she gets from you, but she doesn not love you. No wife who loves her husband would step all over him like she does all over you.
Wake up, before it's too late. Just plant those cameras/voice recorders, if we are wrong they you can celebrate, but you are being told by many people, this many people could not be wrong. You are too blind to see your wife is walking all over you, she has your wrapped around her finger, and she can bend you anyway she wants.
This is not about you becoming a "man" or masculine. This is about realizing what your wife promised you when you married. No woman who loves her husband would treat him and lie to him like this.
I wish you the best, but frankly I think there is much more going on here, you are leaving her so much room to cheat. I am sure she will meet up with outside their gym practice, maybe at a party, but believe if you aren't with her ALL the time she will meet up with him and he will make his move until he gets what he wants.
Some men live off stealing wives/gfs, clearly he is already doing to all her friends, I would be highly surprised if they hadn't hooked up in some way by now. She exhibits all the signs of a cheater and you just don't want to admit it, but clearly yout gut it telling you something is wrong here and you are for forlonging it and leaving him all the room for the opportunity.
You think you are frustrated, imagine how I feel. Frustrated beyond belief.
Quote:
Originally Posted by OneLoveXo
After reading through all of your posts, I got bit frustrated. You really aren't understanding what everyone is saying to you, you are lying to your own self and making excuses for your wife, because you don't want to know the truth, you think you do but you don't...you are setting yourself for a disaster. Just plant some cameras/voice recording devices, than you will know. Put in her car, that way it record any conversation she has while in it. Cheaters cover up their tracks better than anyone else, your wife is already showing all the signs of it.
It's clear you are not a priority for her and the only resaon she is sorta of complying is because you bring in those paychecks. She lovs the stability and comfort she gets from you, but she doesn not love you. No wife who loves her husband would step all over him like she does all over you.
Wake up, before it's too late. Just plant those cameras/voice recorders, if we are wrong they you can celebrate, but you are being told by many people, this many people could not be wrong. You are too blind to see your wife is walking all over you, she has your wrapped around her finger, and she can bend you anyway she wants.
This is not about you becoming a "man" or masculine. This is about realizing what your wife promised you when you married. No woman who loves her husband would treat him and lie to him like this.
I wish you the best, but frankly I think there is much more going on here, you are leaving her so much room to cheat. I am sure she will meet up with outside their gym practice, maybe at a party, but believe if you aren't with her ALL the time she will meet up with him and he will make his move until he gets what he wants.
Some men live off stealing wives/gfs, clearly he is already doing to all her friends, I would be highly surprised if they hadn't hooked up in some way by now. She exhibits all the signs of a cheater and you just don't want to admit it, but clearly yout gut it telling you something is wrong here and you are for forlonging it and leaving him all the room for the opportunity.
I have not deployed any spying devices. I did eavesdrop on their last training session by simply standing in the room above the basement. I can hear them clear as day there. It was all small talk. Nothing of substance or personal.
I'm going to give counseling a shot for a while and see where things go.
I feel kind of bad for you, I agree with AFEH. They aren't going to talk about anything questionable especially since the issue has already been brought up and you are already suspicious. Do you really think someone is dumb enough to do something questionable so soon after the confrontation? I am sure they are waiting until their text or phone convos to talk about those things. I think it's almost like you already know something is going on and are in denial.
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Re: Jealous for the first time 
