Insecure

This is a post about my wifes personal trainer who is a male. I know this topic has been discussed multiple times on this forum so I apologize for repeating. I'm just really insecure for the first time and our 10 year marriage and wanted to vent a little.

At first I didn't have a problem with the relationship. She met the guy through a female friend who used him as well so it seemed legit. She is really into exercise which I think is great because she wasn't for most of her life (she is 35, I am 40) and this trainer seems to be well respected and really motivational for her. They work out in my home gym and 90% of time I am home at the time since I work from home. They are in the basement so it's pretty private but I can hear laughter and music and plates clanking.

About a year ago, not long after it started, I heard her tell a friend that she thinks he is "gorgeous" and that immediately made me feel insecure because I definitely don't consider myself gorgeous, though I'm in ok shape from 20 years of martial acts. I tried to keep that feeling to myself because it felt immature to me but it apparently became obvious through my behavior that I had an issue. It kind of blew up into a big issue for us and we talked it out. She said she didn't feel a need to stop using him. She said I never expressed emotions before and now that I am finally expressing some she shouldn't have to respond to them by stopping something she loves to do. I agreed with her and their workouts continued.

Her relationship with him grew to the point that they were discussing his own failing relationship and they were discussing his sexual interest in the other women who introduced him to my wife (who is in a failing marriage). I know this because she told me. At some point, he became busy with school or something and had to drop most of his clients but he kept my wife and this other women.

All this time I pretty much kept my distance from him and let her have her space. I've met him and shook his hand but that was about it.

Recently he graduated from school and my wife wanted to take him out to celebrate. It was supposed to be a big affair with a lot of his friends so they were going to head into the city to make it special. I am not big on the city but I asked if I could go since I was not invited and that seemed strange. I was told I could not go because I am not friends with him. It turned out that it was just the trainer, my wife, the other woman, and a young single attractive girl who was apparently a former client. They took the train into the city and they all got drunk to the point that they don't really remember what happened. The last train home ran at around midnight and everyone but my wife wanted to stay in the city and keep partying and get a hotel. My wife insisted they come home and they did but it wasn't without a big fight that really upset my wife. At some point, one of them suggested they she lie to me and tell me they missed the train and had no choice but to stay. Again, I know this because she told me which I respect. I think she is honest and open with me though she does seem secretive about her phone text messages and facebook private messages. I assume that's because she is discussing the ups and downs of our relationship with her friends so I don't make an issue of it.

I was really disturbed that it was just him and these women and that they almost spent the night together in a hotel while they were really drunk. I was also angry that they almost made her take the train home my herself which I don't consider safe in the city. Ultimately, since they came home I guess it worked out OK but I feel like maybe this was their (the woman or the trainers) plan from the beginning. My wife says I'm crazy to think that and they didn't plan it and I guess I tend to agree that I may be being crazy. A few days after this the trainer said to my wife that they need to do it again. My wife told him she was forbidden to do it again. I had never forbidden her from doing it but just expressed to her how upsetting it was to me.

So then this past weekend we go to a party at the other womans house and the trainer was of course there. My wife made me promise not to discuss the city incident with any of them as it would make her uncomfortable. At the party, he was drunk as was I. We were being cordial with one another and it was cool. he seemed like a good guy. At some point in the evening he asked me "Don't you trust your wife?". I was too drunk to remember what prompted it but it seemed like a really personal question from someone who I had essentially just met and only had idle chit chat with. I told him "I trust her. I don't trust you". He said something else and I walked away. I didn't think much of it at the time but I told my wife right away in case it got back to her. I thought she would laugh it off since technically I didn't violate the promise. She blew up. She told everyone she was leaving because she was mad at me (people I don't know which was pretty awkward) and she drove home drunk. I sat there a bit and then felt bad and apologized to the trainer though I don't remember what I said other than saying I felt uncomfortable with their relationship and that it wasn't their fault but mine.

My wife and I of course had it out over the last few days. I was pissed that she drove home drunk. I was also pissed at her reaction. It wasn't worth getting that angry over. It seemed like I was getting to close to something. Like maybe it wasn't all in my head. She said she didn't understand my problem with this guy and for the first time I did some introspection and realized why it makes me uncomfortable and explained it to her. I poured my heart out which is something I almost never do. She seemed cold and distant. She didn't come out and say she doesn't love me but when I insinuated it she didn't deny it. I said I thought she viewed me as someone who brings home a paycheck and is a father figure to our 8 year old daughter and that's it and she kind of agreed.

That was the first time I heard her basically come out and acknowledge that she didn't have feelings for me anymore and it really hurt. i pondered it for a while and said that since we generally have a happy home with no conflict, for the sake of our daughter we should stay together but once our daughter is grown, if she still doesn't love me, then we should divorce. she didn't like that idea and decided to tell me she loves and respects me. It made me feel better but I am still unsure if she just said it because of the possibility of divorce. She still seems kind of distant.

I feel jealous and insecure now which is eating me up since for most of my life I haven't been big on feeling any emotions other than love for my wife (which I admit I suck at showing) and daughter (which I show easily since she is my life).

So this was mostly just a post to vent. It was probably too long for anyone to actually read but I feel someone better having written this down. If anyone has read to this point, can you tell me if you think my feelings about this trainer are legitimate? Do I have a right to be concerned about her relationship with him?

Thanks.

sculley

Honestly yes I believe you had a right to feel that way, she should respect your wishes and it wasn't like you brought up the situation with your wife to the gym guy.And not to mention she doesn't have to quit working out, just the trainer possibly. To me when a woman doesn't want to give up a person it means something..He shouldn't have asked the question if he didn't want an answer. You didn't violate anything with your wife that night at least not by what your telling me. I will tell you though I am not an advocate for staying together for a child because if ya'll have a loveless marriage your daughter learns marriage and relationship from you two. I speak from experience on the child aspect because I was one and in a failed marriage before my current one. I will never again stay married just for the kids. And maybe I am reaching a bit but it seems to me she only told you she cared to appease you and not loose her meal ticket..I know that seems so harsh but by how your saying it (there could be more that I don't know) it appears to be Considering your not a jealous person and this is eating at you, there has to be a reason your feeling this way. If he will talk about another married woman in such a sexual manner and violate that respect what makes you think he wont move on to your wife?
JMPO

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Conrad

You couldn't be doing a better job of driving her straight into his arms.

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Insecure

Thank for your response. I've read that children are better off having two parents if there is little conflict in the house which is why I proposed that. I think my wife feels the same way. Plus I love her so it's hard for me to want to end it. I do appreciate your honesty. thanks again.

Insecure

Conrad, I can see why you would say I am pushing her into his arms. Can you suggest a better course of action for me? I try to be honest and fair with everyone as a general rule and I feel like that is all that I am doing. I think I have aspergers so I don't read people and their emotions very well so I could be really screwing things up by following my instincts.

Conrad

The positive aspect to this is you both are still talking.

The negatives are her vigorous defensiveness when you confronted this guy. His comment about "not trusting your wife" was totally wrongheaded.

Also, the idea you were not welcome to go to the City with them was simply bad stuff.

You simply need to stand up and tell her that you are "not ok with their relationship" - and do it calmly

She's already crossed several boundary lines and is partially in the affair fog.

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keeper63

Here is what I would do:

1.) Convince your wife to join you in marriage counseling.

2.) Insist that she find another personal trainer, and offer to help her find a new one.

3.) If she refuses either of the above (especially #2), tell her you are making an appointment with a lawyer to discuss your options.

She insists on seeing this guy even though you have made it clear that you are not comfortable with him. Between that and her telling you that she is no longer attracted to you, she clearly has lost respect for you. Without respect, there can't be much basis for a marriage/sustainable relationship.

Toffer

OK, I haven't even finished reading the entire post and all I can see are flashing lights and HUGE Red Flags here.

Here's the warning signs and flags:

1- She said she didn't feel a need to stop using him (this after you expressed concern. Very disrespectful to YOU and the marriage)

2 - they were discussing his own failing relationship and they were discussing his sexual interest in the other women. OK, now they are getting WAY too personal and having discussions only married couples should. I'm willing to bet that your wife also discussed your relationship with her. A huge red flag!

3 - "I was told I could not go because I am not friends with him. It turned out that it was just the trainer, my wife, the other woman, and a young single attractive girl who was apparently a former client" - DING! DING! DING! - Major alarm bells going off here! If it was your wife who told you it was going to be a big group, she LIED to you!

4 - "they all got drunk to the point that they don't really remember what happened" - Get out the Bullsh1t stamp for this one. They ALL know what happened. Actually, some scenes from porn movies are running through my mind right now! If they were this fvcked up, how did they manage to negotiate the trip on the train home and how did they get from the home train station back to their homes???

5 - "she does seem secretive about her phone text messages and facebook private messages" - RED FLAG

6 - "She blew up. She told everyone she was leaving because she was mad at me (people I don't know which was pretty awkward) and she drove home drunk." - Uh Oh! Red Flag!

7 - "She said she didn't understand my problem with this guy" - Are you kidding me????

8 - "She didn't come out and say she doesn't love me but when I insinuated it she didn't deny it. I said I thought she viewed me as someone who brings home a paycheck and is a father figure to our 8 year old daughter and that's it and she kind of agreed" - Time Out! You have said you've read abouth this thing here (women's relationships with their trainers) and you don't regognize this as ILYBNILWY?

Summary:

If your wife isn't already banging this guy, she is at least in and Emotional Affair with him!

While some will point to the issue where she was the one who insisted they all get on the train that night, I think she did that so none of the other women would have a turn with him that night or she didn't want to share him in a four way that night!

First and foremost, this should be in the Coping With Infidelity Forum. They'll adise you to do the following:

Investigate - get a keylogger on the PC ASAP/ Buy a voice activated recorder or two (and place one in the home gym and the other under the front seat of her car with heavy duty velcro)/ Get her cell phone records and look at the number/times/dates of texts and calls to her trainer

If your post is legit, you've got a SERIOUS problem. Do not have sex with your wife until you sort this out and in the meantime, get an STD test

She's staying with you for your money!

eowyn

You have more than enough reason to worry about the trainer. Moreover the fact that she discusses your marriage with trainer and other women is detrimental and disrespectful. I would get severely upset if my H was to discuss our marriage with any of his friends etc. and the other way as well. If she needs to talk to someone about your marriage, tell her that is what MC is for. It would be a good idea to sign up for that.

Also, you need to put your foot down and enforce some boundaries. She is probably taking you for granted. You seem to be a nice guy and that can be injurious to marriage at times. I believe there are some books that might help you. People on this forum wld recommend... I think its "No more Mr Nice Guy", and another one, "Married Man Sex Life"??

In any case, Trainer is bad news for your marriage - with or without an EA/PA. And yes, there are several red flags, so a good idea to not entirely trust your W right now. Keylogger, GPS etc. would be something you might need to order, and do get some advice from the 'Coping with Infidelity' section. I have read lot of EA/PA posts since I joined the forum, and this one seems to have those signs as well.

Insecure

Thank you!
I added some comments to your post where I think I may have misled you. I don't feel like she is emotionally cheating on me at this point. We haven't really had a healthy relationship and I sometimes am so busy with work that I disregard her emotional needs. She therefore gets emotional support from her friends when that happens. It scares me now that it is coming from a guy but I don't think I consider it cheating.

Toffer

Insecure,

For the love of God man, go to the infidelity forum and read up fast and furious!

Googlr "habits of a cheating spouse" or "traits of a cheating spouse" and see what pops up. Almost all the things your wife is doing NOW.

Don't make the mistake others have and stick you head in the sand.

Get the things I mentione (VAR, Keylogger) and start to investigate QUIETLY. It would be better to put this to rest one way or the other.

I agree that it could all be coincidential but there are enough flags here for a General Assebly Meeting of the UN (and i know, I work in NYC!)

Again, I was troubled by these in your response:

4 - "they all got drunk to the point that they don't really remember what happened" - Get out the Bullsh1t stamp for this one. They ALL know what happened. Actually, some scenes from porn movies are running through my mind right now! If they were this fvcked up, how did they manage to negotiate the trip on the train home and how did they get from the home train station back to their homes???

I tend to believe that they dont remember much. They were out for a long time and I think the drinking slowed towards the end of the night. as far as how they got home, it was more drunk driving unfortunately which is another issue altogether

Sorry, not buying it. Someone is not telling the truth here. Your wife may just be keeping it from you but it's still a lie.

5 - "she does seem secretive about her phone text messages and facebook private messages" - RED FLAG
this may be my imagination. she just always keeps her phone nearby and logs out of facebook immediately after using it but she has given me her facebook password before so she cant be too worried

Cheaters will often delete messages right after they are sent and recieved on facebook and they've been known to set up secondary facebook and email accounts

Sorry but I think you still need to be REAL concerned. Trust but verify!

Entropy3000

When I read the original post it amazed me that despite seeing red flag after read flag you did nothing but exacerbate the problems. Also you have every reason to feel jealous and insecure. You failed to dominate however. Big mistake.

We can play games with the word controlling and say that we cannot control people. Let me rephrase this them. You failed to be dominant in a situation that required you to be from the start.

Toffer did a great job so I am going leverage his points and your justifications for your wife.

!

Do the monitoring but I would end this right now. This may push her underground but I think she already is. Stop paying this guy to bang your wife.

There is so much denial and bad decisions here that it is hard to believe this situation is real and not contrived. That said, if any part of this is real, you need to take action right now. Also get a lawyer.

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Maricha75

OMFG! Dude, seriously, at the VERY least, it IS an emotional affair. Her emotional needs should be met by YOU, NOT some other man! I get talking to female friends. Unfortunately, these female friends she has now... now. These women are encouraging her to get involved with this other guy, instead of working things out with you, HER HUSBAND! And, as Toffer and Entropy have both said... I'd bet it has likely become EA/PA... not just EA. For the love of God, man, get your head out of the sand! She is cheating, whether EA or PA, I don't know for certain, but likely both. Now, the question is... What are you going to DO about it??

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Shaggy

A wife should never ever tell her husband that he is not allowed to go with her when she is headed out on the town and other men are involved. Never.

Who cares if your not his friend. She is your wife. So that was BS. And the defense that she thought there would be mre people there further erodes her argument since more people would have meant it would be easier to include you.

Truth: she wanted to be drinking with him and not having you c-blocking her.

Your wife also got angry at you for being mean to the OM, not angry at him for what he said to you. Notice as well that she has been openly talking to him about your concerns with him. Both are a betrayal of you.

Time to stop backing down and letting her have her bit on the side. It's certainly an EA, but it likely has gone partly PA with touching, hands, kissing during the night out.
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Shaggy

Get a VAR into her car ASAP and down where they work out. You might even want a camera down there to watch what they are doing.

You also need to read those messages.
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