Marriage Counselor confirms wife has issues. No what?

veryconfusedhusband · 06-17-2012, 09:29 AM

Ok posted a few threads in here before with the common "why won't she show me some love" crap. She has shown declining interest in sex and really me as a man with every life event. We are late 30s two kids. I finally decided to just do 180 for my sake and feels good but really no results with her. Meanwhile she kept pushing for MC to finally solve our problems. Ok I said and this time I picked a real counselor not a psychiatrist. He is trained in CBT and does not just nod his head and listen to our feelings. You see last time we went to counseling my wife pointed out some issues that were fair criticisms and I addressed them all. Well she did not trust it and failed to address my concerns. Anyway the MC asks her to list what I am not doing that she would like and she said umm nothing he is really on top of everything. He has asked more questions and it is clear he sees a pattern of her shutting me out. At one point he said well it sounds like you like him close to you but not too close and she agreed.
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DTO · 06-17-2012, 11:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by veryconfusedhusband

Ok posted a few threads in here before with the common "why won't she show me some love" crap. She has shown declining interest in sex and really me as a man with every life event. We are late 30s two kids. I finally decided to just do 180 for my sake and feels good but really no results with her. Meanwhile she kept pushing for MC to finally solve our problems. Ok I said and this time I picked a real counselor not a psychiatrist. He is trained in CBT and does not just nod his head and listen to our feelings. You see last time we went to counseling my wife pointed out some issues that were fair criticisms and I addressed them all. Well she did not trust it and failed to address my concerns. Anyway the MC asks her to list what I am not doing that she would like and she said umm nothing he is really on top of everything. He has asked more questions and it is clear he sees a pattern of her shutting me out. At one point he said well it sounds like you like him close to you but not too close and she agreed.

At your next session, you say that you have reflected on your wife's comments and this dynamic does not work for you:

1. You have no desire to remain in a marriage where your wife wants to "cruise" and reap benefits. If she's so unattracted to you that she's not williing to improve, why bother?

2. The current situation is likely unsustainable. At some point you will burn out from the mismatched effort.

Personally, I would follow the 6-month rule that Dr. Glover (the NMMNG author) espouses. You bring your best self (which you seem to be doing) for six months and see where she is at in that time. If her performance is not working for you, renegotiate or end the relationship.

wiigirl · 06-17-2012, 11:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DTO

At your next session, you say that you have reflected on your wife's comments and this dynamic does not work for you:

1. You have no desire to remain in a marriage where your wife wants to "cruise" and reap benefits. If she's so unattracted to you that she's not williing to improve, why bother?

2. The current situation is likely unsustainable. At some point you will burn out from the mismatched effort.

Personally, I would follow the 6-month rule that Dr. Glover (the NMMNG author) espouses. You bring your best self (which you seem to be doing) for six months and see where she is at in that time. If her performance is not working for you, renegotiate or end the relationship.

I would also recommend the 6-month rule. The WORST that can happen is you know you tried and gave it your all.

Trust me that knowledge will help if divorce/separation comes around.