3D

Deejo · 06-18-2012, 09:03 PM

Divorced Dudes Dating

I may end up pulling this thread in a few days, have been thinking about posting it ... and based on an experience tonight, decided to move forward with it.

I recognize that I am much further down the road than many of the male posters that come here either trying to save failing marriages, or recover after the marriage has ended. I started way back in 08, and at that time was hoping for reconciliation. That didn't happen.

I became involved much too soon after splitting with the ex. It cratered spectacularly, in a sense it was very much like an affair.

Then took more than a year off. Rediscovered myself, realigned many of my behaviors, read about dating, and then basically put myself on ebay for people ... online dating.

Tonight I'm sitting in my local sushi joint, having dinner. There is a first date going on behind me. Couple is around my age, mid to late 40's. I am fascinated by the exchange and what is being discussed.

And at the risk of sounding arrogant (which when it comes down to it, I'm ok with) ... was also glaringly obvious to me why so many guys just suck at dating.

Was thinking to myself; "No way this guy gets a second date."

They were discussing Match.com and online dating in general ... par for the course if you can't find anything more interesting to talk about. It certainly is something that you share in common with your date

This guy loved to talk about himself. Moreover, many of the questions he asked her were nothing more than a foil for him wanting to tell a story about himself ... relating to the question he asked her. Was comical.

And then they decided to go down the rat-hole of talking about their dating history ... and their ex's.

For the benefit of my brethren who find themselves single by choice, or decree ... here is what I have learned about dating.

- Don't discuss your ex's on a first date. It's simply wrong. It utterly defeats the purpose of learning about the person in front of you.

If she asks "So what happened?" Be concise. "We tried to make it work. Eventually acknowledged that we couldn't. It was unfortunate, but we've both moved on. How's your drink?"

Redirect. Don't go into detail. Don't bash your ex-spouse. Doesn't make anyone look good.

I have dated ... a lot. Dating was a big change for me, as for the past 32 years, I've basically been a serial monogamist. Really don't have anything bad to say about any of them. Even the one offs, and ones that didn't work out.

Has been an extraordinarily positive experience for me.

Fell very deep, very fast, for one woman ... and like a roman candle it burned bright, and then flamed out, very quickly. And most importantly? It didn't break me. Put me in that same circumstance a decade ago, and I would have been heartbroken. Instead ... now ... I had 2 new dates lined up in less than a week. If only some of you had known me for the last 20 years, you would recognise the magnitude of the changes in my conduct and character.

I'm curious to know if others here have made the transition, or are thinking about making the transition from their self-concept of being devoted to that ONE woman, whom is no longer part of their life ... to seeing that there are MANY women looking to find their way in singledom as well.

We'll see how this goes ... may just be the sake talking on my part

Lon · 06-18-2012, 09:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deejo

I'm curious to know if others here have made the transition, or are thinking about making the transition from their self-concept of being devoted to that ONE woman, whom is no longer part of their life ... to seeing that there are MANY women looking to find their way in singledom as well.

Working on it dude!

Deejo · 06-18-2012, 09:26 PM

I know you were frustrated. How you doing?

AFEH · 06-19-2012, 02:36 AM

I’m still “working my way through”. It would have been our 40th on the 10th. That was a major milestone for me. I wasn’t sure how I’d handle it. I did want to go and buy a bottle of malt but then I’d just have drowned my sorrows and not work my way through them. I decided to work my way through them, experience them and I'm really glad I did.

I started off by looking at photos. She was a real smiler and could light up any room and that shines out. I printed a few off and framed them and my home lit up.

I’ve been struggling with anger and dislike for her for a long time now since our separation. And I’ve become fully aware that my anger and dislike is based on her betrayal over the past few years we were together. And to remain angry at that and let that suppress and hide all the joy and happiness she gave me just seemed outright crazy.

So I went and got more frames and printed off more pictures. And I’ve somewhat lightened up when I look at them. It is very difficult to dislike and be angry at the woman I knew for the better part of my life. I’m on a roll now and I’m doing the same thing with my parents and others I loved from my past. It is very up lifting for me.

I do get women knock on my door occasionally. I’m now very aware of how most woman go about these things, not at all direct like me. I’m not at all interested but I do kind of let them know in a soft type of way. They know anyway, as are their ways. Thing is I don’t think I’m ever going to be interested. As a guy of 63 I’ve enough happy and joyful memories to last me another lifetime.

Deejo · 06-19-2012, 04:59 AM

Hey Bob,

I have forgiven the ex. Can quite honestly say, I have no more anger in that regard. Not to say that her behavior still can't make me angry ... but feel that I have dealt with the marriage ending and the affair.

I certainly miss the marriage at times, particularly where the kids are concerned.

Truth is ... I don't think she's a bad person. I want her to be happy. Just not at my expense ...

But ...

I am without question, living a life that I never would have imagined just a few years ago. Single, independent, and in retrospect, dealing with my sh!t ... and exercising far less tolerance for other peoples sh!t.

I handle things differently. Myself. My work. My relationships. And thus far, it is all for the better. The big changes were boundaries and assertiveness.

I want what I want. And I don't feel bad for wanting it. And I try to extend that philosophical courtesy to others ... particularly in the dating arena.

heartsbeating · 06-19-2012, 05:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deejo

I handle things differently. Myself. My work. My relationships. And thus far, it is all for the better. The big changes were boundaries and assertiveness.

I want what I want. And I don't feel bad for wanting it. And I try to extend that philosophical courtesy to others ... particularly in the dating arena.

Rock on.

Deejo · 06-19-2012, 07:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by heartsbeating

Rock on.

Thank you for not being confrontational or mean to me. I hope that you approve of me and think I'm nice ... Oh snap ...

alphaomega · 06-19-2012, 07:57 AM

Ha ha.

I've heard a few conversations like that too. sometimes you want to go talk to the guy and clue him in when she leaves to the bathroom, but that would be wierd. Lol.

Yes. Lots of women out there. I've even had one pick ME up in Walmart. She was a bit older than me and in great shape. I knew it wasn't going to work out long term because of her hyper personality....almost like ADHD. But I was curious about that personality in the bedroom. It was fun.
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WillK · 06-19-2012, 08:32 AM

Ya know... My marriage is saved, it's my career I'm working on - I found myself thinking getting a job can be like dating. I think you're strategy for talking about ex's on a first date might be useful when the topic of my last job comes up in an interview.

Dedicated2Her · 06-19-2012, 11:30 AM

Deejo, I think you are definitely hitting on something. I have now officially been out of the house for a couple of months. I have been very devoted to the one person. It was weird getting out, and all of a sudden, I could be devoted to me. I have been on a few dates and met some incredible people. But, I am coming to realize that I kind of like having plenty of time to myself and doing things that I've always wanted to do.

It is funny. Once going out with a few people they have pursued me, and you are very correct in that the first date experience I looked at as a project. A project to find out how that person ticks, what makes them who they are, and are they interesting enough for me to continue seeing them. All of this because at the end of the day, I like me and am comfortable with who I am and value my time. This all is a product of my forgiveness of my ex and truly letting go, thus treating her as I want to be treated.

Interesting thing is the ex notices how I am changed. She now is taking responsibility for her part in our marriage breakdown. She has become very introspective. Who knows how this will proceed.

PBear · 06-19-2012, 11:36 AM

Deejo, thanks for this. Good stuff to think about.

I'm still on my first "post separation" relationship, 17 months later. Started it very shortly after separating. Still can't get enough of each other, physically or mentally. Is it healthy? Don't know, to be honest. But it has been fun!

C

okeydokie · 06-19-2012, 12:25 PM

as i make a list of the pros and cons of ending a marriage, future dating is one thing i havent given much thought to. i am, as i have discovered more lately, a very independent person. i like alone time. there are so many things i would like to do, to catch up on, that i dont need to share with a GF.

that said, i wouldnt rule out a chance encounter that could turn out to be something more special, but i wouldnt be looking for it to.

Lon · 06-19-2012, 02:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deejo

I know you were frustrated. How you doing?

Still frustrated, its sad and lonely... I still have so much approach anxiety and fear of women that I am trying to get over. I've really pushed myself to break out of my comfort zones in social situations, been getting better at striking up conversation without worrying about the outcome but still so risk averse when it comes to offending others. And it seems the longer this fear goes on the more desperate I get...

MooseAndSquirrel · 06-19-2012, 04:02 PM

I just got out of a 20+ year marriage. We bought a house, raised 2 kids, and grew apart. I enjoy the company of women, but at this point in my life I would say that getting married again has very little appeal for me. Serial monogamy sounds good to me.

Conrad · 06-19-2012, 05:27 PM

It's funny, I was about to add to this thread the other night and got interrupted by the STBXW who - clearly - doesn't want the STBX in front of her "W" anymore.

I would add my voice to Deej's however. It's a new world once you realize standing up for yourself has nothing to do with being angry.