Passive-aggressive wife.
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Old 06-19-2012, 11:55 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Passive-aggressive wife.

Anyone here living with a passive-aggressive woman?

I found this site while trying to find some dope on it, but there's a shortage of info about passive-aggressive women.

This place looks pretty switched on, so I'm asking the question.

I'd welcome any tips on how to survive a PA woman!

Mike.
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Old 06-20-2012, 12:44 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Passive-aggressive wife.

Mime,

You're not going to find much info regarding female anger, I guess the operative strategy is if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.

Seriously, passive aggressive behavior is a dysfunctional expression of anger. Marriage partners with anger problems usually bring them into their marriages from other sources. Understanding this and working through it almost always requires counseling. Getting to this point can be tricky but it requires both partners to agree that there is a problem
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Old 06-20-2012, 12:58 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Passive-aggressive wife.

I could stand the heat alright, if she would only show it! But PA people apparently are unable or unwilling to reveal their anger overtly. That's what makes them PA.

No way is there going to be counselling. PA people tend to resist it, so I've read. And they're very good at resisting!

Thanks for your input, 10Year.
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Old 06-20-2012, 06:25 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Passive-aggressive wife.

There’s a thread at Passive aggressive or am I crazy?? you might like to take a look at.

What do you mean by “how to survive a PA woman”? How to live with her, how to live without her, how to change her? Or something else?

I didn’t know it for what it was at the time, but I was married to a PA woman for a very long time.
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Old 06-20-2012, 10:36 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Passive-aggressive wife.

You might could check out some books on passive aggression, or there should be tons of info on the web about it too.
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Old 06-20-2012, 06:12 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Passive-aggressive wife.

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There’s a thread at Passive aggressive or am I crazy?? you might like to take a look at.

What do you mean by “how to survive a PA woman”? How to live with her, how to live without her, how to change her? Or something else?

I didn’t know it for what it was at the time, but I was married to a PA woman for a very long time.
Thanks. I'll check it out.

I mean "survive" literally. This sht is killing me! My BP is through the roof. I keep seeing all these "little mistakes" she makes and I know from experience that it's futile to talk to her about it. Like a classsic PA, she refuses to acknowledge there's anything wrong.

I just hope there's some tried-and-true method of putting a stop to this behaviour without the cost of a divorce.

Last edited by Mime; 06-20-2012 at 06:39 PM.
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Old 06-20-2012, 06:23 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Passive-aggressive wife.

Sounds like your problem may go beyond a simple PA diagnosis.
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Old 06-20-2012, 06:25 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Passive-aggressive wife.

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You might could check out some books on passive aggression, or there should be tons of info on the web about it too.
There IS tons of info on the Web about it, Lily. But it's mostly diagnostic stuff. Anything I've found that gives advice about how to deal with a PA person is addressed to women. There seems to be a popular notion that only men are passive-aggressive... which doesn't ring true to me because we don't need to be passive-aggressive, since we can "legitimately" be outright aggressive if we want.
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Old 06-20-2012, 06:25 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Passive-aggressive wife.

Why do little mistakes bother you so very much. Just let them go, they’ll handle themselves while you fix the really big stuff. Pointing out little mistakes while not acknowledging contributions p!sses people off really big time.

All you’ve spoken of is her little mistakes without any good about her. That’s really strange to me.

If you’ve nothing else to focus yourself on other than her little mistakes then uncover and count your blessings and take care of them before you lose them.
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Old 06-20-2012, 06:27 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Passive-aggressive wife.

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Sounds like your problem may go beyond a simple PA diagnosis.
It's her problem, but she's making it my problem.
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Old 06-20-2012, 06:30 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Passive-aggressive wife.

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Why do little mistakes bother you so very much. Just let them go, they’ll handle themselves while you fix the really big stuff. Pointing out little mistakes while not acknowledging contributions p!sses people off really big time.

All you’ve spoken of is her little mistakes without any good about her. That’s really strange to me.

If you’ve nothing else to focus yourself on other than her little mistakes then uncover and count your blessings and take care of them before you lose them.
I put "little mistakes" in parenthesis, to indicate that they're not genuine mistakes. They're the tactics of the classic PA type. As you were married to a PA woman, you'll know exactly what I mean.
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Old 06-20-2012, 06:37 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Passive-aggressive wife.

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There’s a thread at Passive aggressive or am I crazy?? you might like to take a look at.
I checked out Page One of that thread, AFEH, and I'm not encouraged.... seems like PA is a thing that never goes away.

Still, there are about a dozen pages in that thread, so I'll pore through them all and see if I can find an answer.
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Old 06-20-2012, 06:44 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Passive-aggressive wife.

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I put "little mistakes" in parenthesis, to indicate that they're not genuine mistakes. They're the tactics of the classic PA type. As you were married to a PA woman, you'll know exactly what I mean.
I obviously didn’t know what you meant.

What do you do? Boundaries are the thing. PAs don’t heal their wounds from the past, they keep them festering in the present as a reminder of “what happened”.

Tell your wife she either forgives you for your past mistakes and heals her wounds or it’s over and you end the marriage. You give her the choice, forgive or it’s over.

Tell her you’ll help her heal her wounds if you like. But let her know unless she does it’s over.

How she responds will guide you to the right action. If you get “I’ll never ever forgive you” then at the very least you’ll know exactly where you stand and what your future with her will be like.

Your wife is a “victim” and she’s persecuting and punishing you for your past mistakes, either real or imagined. Or she may be persecuting and punishing you for things that happened in her childhood long before she met you.

You are on what’s called the Karpman Drama Triangle, see Karpman drama triangle - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. One way of getting off the triangle is to persecute your wife. That happens when you actually see yourself as a victim of her persecution and punishment and when she’s caused you a great deal of pain. It’s the pain that makes you eject her out of your life such that she never hurts you again.
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Old 06-20-2012, 06:51 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Passive-aggressive wife.

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I checked out Page One of that thread, AFEH, and I'm not encouraged.... seems like PA is a thing that never goes away.

Still, there are about a dozen pages in that thread, so I'll pore through them all and see if I can find an answer.
Can PA go away? Can they heal themselves? PA is a lot about being Nice, believe it or not. It’s a lot about being non confrontational and avoiding conflict. It’s a lot about ducking and diving instead of facing the truth. It’s a lot about unresolved and festering long term issues.

I am greatly heartened by some of the Nice Guys here when they’ve recognised and owned up to their own passive aggressive behaviour. And I somehow don’t doubt that they will change themselves such that their levels of passive aggression are on the lower end of the spectrum.

For my wife I had absolutely no hope at all. None whatsoever. I still don’t and that’s why I am not with her. She is way too Nice to own up to that sort of behaviour.

Last edited by AFEH; 06-20-2012 at 07:01 PM.
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Old 06-20-2012, 07:14 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Passive-aggressive wife.

There are ways to DEAL with passive/aggressive people. Search for ways and things to try. Just because you are learning ways to deal with it, doesn't mean it will stop it or make it go away. It may help lessen the way that person irritates you though.

If you have done everything under the sun, and tried most all things, and they still operate in that manner, then it comes down to choice. Stay and hope things get better, or leave. Life is short and no one wants to be around people who operate in that manner and are not willing to learn to try and help them selves.

Also another thing to keep in mind, the person you are dealing with thats operating in a passive aggressive manner may also have something else going on, such as a undiagnosed mental disorder. Unfortunately though, unless that person goes to a counselor/doctor and gets checked out, would be hard to know for sure, if it just a person with deep rooted ingrained poor learned behaviors such as passive aggression, or if they have something deeper going on.
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