Have you had issues like this before where you have confronted him?
The reason I'm asking is because if you have been unreasonable about it before, it's easier for him to think it's just you being jealous.
At the beginning of my Marriage, my wife had a lot of self-esteem and jealousy issues. She would confront me about things that were totally and entirely unreasonable. She would get upset over a story I heard in the breakroom from a woman. I honestly had never talked to this woman before in my life (quite a few people work here and I had just started)... I didn't even know her name. And she was 20 years older than me. And my wife would get upset about it.
After a while, I would've brushed off a lot of things as "her just being jealous".
It's the boy that cried wolf syndrome. You get upset about too many little things, he will ignore you when you get upset about something legitimate.
Yes you nailed it! I would overreact, get jealous and flip out for stupid little things before...he probably brushed it off to it being that again...this time I was dead serious. So I guess this is partly my fault...
I wish he could give me a clear answer on why he checked her facebook page so often (more than others)...besides I don't know, I got along with her better at work than others and talked to her....after this happened he just deleted FB all together
He was checking her facebook. Now has deleted it. And you are acting like that's a bad thing? That's GOOD.
And if you were overreacting to a LOT of things, as a guy, I can definitely see why it took him longer to see why you were upset. Again, he thought you were being your unreasonable self again.
You really need to take a step back and think about what is reasonable and rational to be upset about. Because the more unreasonable you are, the less likely he will get the point when it is something important.
So be careful you don't end up beating a dead horse here. Because it will end up doing more damage than good.
He was checking her facebook. Now has deleted it. And you are acting like that's a bad thing? That's GOOD.
And if you were overreacting to a LOT of things, as a guy, I can definitely see why it took him longer to see why you were upset. Again, he thought you were being your unreasonable self again.
You really need to take a step back and think about what is reasonable and rational to be upset about. Because the more unreasonable you are, the less likely he will get the point when it is something important.
So be careful you don't end up beating a dead horse here. Because it will end up doing more damage than good.
Yes...I definitely have a gut feeling also I need to do this, don't screw this up he is a good guy I need to think more clearly instead of jumping to conclusions and getting emotional for no reason...
I have to work on my own self esteem so I'm sure that has something to do with it. Also I would consider this coworker pretty...so yeah
We recently went to a kids birthday party where she was...SHE was trying to talk to him like 'normal' and he OBVIOUSLY was trying to avoid her. When we came home I flipped out about it because I think he would have talked to her more if I wasn't there...he said "maybe a little bit but we're not friends, I don't talk to her that much"
Again, what is your gaol with this discussion with him? He seems to be doing the right things now, so what do you want out of this discussion? You sit him down, you lay this all out, and in your perfect world, his response is ... ???? What do you want him to say?
I see one of two things going on here:
1. You are obsessing over her because of your own insecurities; or
2. There are reasons that you have not posted here that make you think something else is going on.
You need to figure out which one is correct and then get back to us.
Again, what is your gaol with this discussion with him? He seems to be doing the right things now, so what do you want out of this discussion? You sit him down, you lay this all out, and in your perfect world, his response is ... ???? What do you want him to say?
I see one of two things going on here:
1. You are obsessing over her because of your own insecurities; or
2. There are reasons that you have not posted here that make you think something else is going on.
You need to figure out which one is correct and then get back to us.
I think it's partly #1 AND partly #2. #1 yes, my insecurities. #2--when he told me he cut off communication with her before besides the minimal necessary for work, he should have told me if it was changing or that he talks to her a bit more now... he shouldn't have promised one thing back then and then lied by omission when things changed... Does that make sense?
What was the lie by ommission. Posted via Mobile Device
He promised to not talk to her at work unless absolutely necessary. He started to talk to her more after time went on and never told me things had changed...
He promised to not talk to her at work unless absolutely necessary. He started to talk to her more after time went on and never told me things had changed...
I never got that out of your stories. How long ago did this happen and when/how did you find out about it?
I never got that out of your stories. How long ago did this happen and when/how did you find out about it?
When I found out about him being closer to her than I thought and told him I was uncomfortable (I have all the original emails saved where I'm upset, yelling at him I hate this, I don't like this...I showed him again yesterday)--this was 3yrs ago. He then promised he will not talk to her unless absolutely necessary at work. He said he did this for almost a year...
then it slid back to talking more, but never like it was originally. He said the "culture of his work place" and the fact that they do work in the same dept forces him to talk to her and its awkward...for other coworkers too if he is short with her
Then a few days ago we went to a kids birthday party where she was and soon as we walked into the park, she (no one else) did like a huge wave like "Hi we're over here!". Then when she talked to him in the big group conversation, he avoided her, walked away and took our daughter to play. I could *feel* that he was purposely avoiding her and SHE was just talking like they probably normally talk at work...
When we came home I was pissed off and flipped out--and he admitted that if I wasn't there he would have talked to her a little more but he still is not friends with her and its never gone back to what it was like originally...
When I found out about him being closer to her than I thought and told him I was uncomfortable (I have all the original emails saved where I'm upset, yelling at him I hate this, I don't like this...I showed him again yesterday)--this was 3yrs ago. He then promised he will not talk to her unless absolutely necessary at work. He said he did this for almost a year...
then it slid back to talking more, but never like it was originally. He said the "culture of his work place" and the fact that they do work in the same dept forces him to talk to her and its awkward...for other coworkers too if he is short with her
Then a few days ago we went to a kids birthday party where she was and soon as we walked into the park, she (no one else) did like a huge wave like "Hi we're over here!". Then when she talked to him in the big group conversation, he avoided her, walked away and took our daughter to play. I could *feel* that he was purposely avoiding her and SHE was just talking like they probably normally talk at work...
When we came home I was pissed off and flipped out--and he admitted that if I wasn't there he would have talked to her a little more but he still is not friends with her and its never gone back to what it was like originally...
This helps a bit. Unfortunately for you, it is a bit difficult. While it sounds like he did not have an emotional affair (though please correct if that is wrong), he did talk to her more than you are comfortable with about three years ago. Though he might not have agreed with your assessment, he did promise to restrict discussions to work topics. Unfortunately (and perhaps due to the nature of his office environment), he has broken that promise. Has he completely blow through it, or is it just on the edges necessary to keep harmony in the office.
One option is to make peace with the fact that because of the work environement, some non-work talk will be necessary to keep things running smoothly at work. This might work if you can both be clear on your boundaries. The problem is that leaves you feeling vulnerable, and gives him the opening to start straying into sharing too much with her (even if he does not initialy plan to do this).
Another option is for him to change jobs, with the understanding that he will maintain his boundaries in his new job.
This helps a bit. Unfortunately for you, it is a bit difficult. While it sounds like he did not have an emotional affair (though please correct if that is wrong), he did talk to her more than you are comfortable with about three years ago. Though he might not have agreed with your assessment, he did promise to restrict discussions to work topics. Unfortunately (and perhaps due to the nature of his office environment), he has broken that promise. Has he completely blow through it, or is it just on the edges necessary to keep harmony in the office.
One option is to make peace with the fact that because of the work environement, some non-work talk will be necessary to keep things running smoothly at work. This might work if you can both be clear on your boundaries. The problem is that leaves you feeling vulnerable, and gives him the opening to start straying into sharing too much with her (even if he does not initialy plan to do this).
Another option is for him to change jobs, with the understanding that he will maintain his boundaries in his new job.
What other results would you accept?
A couple of times he said I'm just going to get a new job then...
While that would be ideal for my concerns, his job is great, his hours & benefits are good for our family and he purposely did a residency at this job to get it (meaning he took a pay cut one year when he left a prior job). We've talked about this and it's like we're stuck trying to find a solution we both will like and be able to do...
I probably have to be a bit more trusting on my end though too
Maybe that he promises to cut off all communication again unless necessary, and when they DO have communication ever via email, he forward it to me. In person I guess he'll just have to tell me
I'm in grad school so when I'm done I'm wondering if we'll move and start over new in a different place. Otherwise I don't know if this will be a long-term fix for this.
We are starting MC next week, mostly because of how we communicate and he promised to read NMMNG. I know he placates me and then gets angry & bottles it up or it comes out yelling at me after. Not good.
We both grew up in volatile households and him and I both know in his house, it was his dad's way or someone was abused. So husband I'm sure did and said whatever to keep the peace, especially for his mom
Maybe that he promises to cut off all communication again unless necessary, and when they DO have communication ever via email, he forward it to me. In person I guess he'll just have to tell me.
Let's assume he agrees (and could do this, because you mention residency, which suggests the medical field, so not sure if there are patient privacy concerns). Would you believe him, particularly in view of his previous promise? Not saying you should or should not, but consider that if you would not believe him, then you could be setting him up to fail. That is, you set a boundary, he agrees, then you come back and fight because you don't believe him and he can't prove a negative. Make sure you can be comfortable with them.
Let me also suggest that you read the book "Not Just Friends" (I think the authors name is Glass). As I understand it, it deals with EAs and how they come about, and is often recommended on these boards. It may help the two of you better understand and deal with this.
Currently, trying to move past an issue we had 3yrs ago. The background is below but I wanted a guy's perspective...
Am I overreacting? Is it possible he really just saw her as a friend nothing more as he says,...back then he thought I was being unreasonable. Now 3yrs later (THREE YRS!) he said he finally understands how much I was hurt, how I really feel etc...and that it's his decision he's not going to talk to her unless necessary at work...
He understands how much you were hurt?! No he does not because if he did you would not now have to be dealing with any of this imo. He'd have cut contact completely or one of them would be in a different job
Your gut feelings are telling you what you deep down believe to be the truth. I think most would agree that although they could be wrong feelings most of the time they are absolutely spot on - listen to them put a few boundaries in place
Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowstar
A little background (this is all 3yrs ago):
My husband works w/mostly females, a few that he is friends with. One in particular he seems kinda close to him (talking wise). I know they text each other once in awhile but mostly about either work or her asking how me and baby are doing. She is in a book club with me so I kind of know her too. Well since we've been home w/the baby,
I noticed on my computer that husband has gone to her facebook page many times--she doesn't really use it often so I have no idea why he did that
So I asked him about it and he said he just went there out of habit. He said it was stupid to do, and also something about the # of pics didn't match up with the actual pictures so he was just curious...
So why would he be so concerned about that? Also, one time he went on to check her page was at like 6am before work...what is that about? He said he didn't know why, again out of habit....
out if "habit" really what habit would that be then ? full grown adult just goes to a website not really knowing where he's going - okay then
Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowstar
He didn't actually do anything, he's just friends with her, but something just doesn't sit right with me. I guess I just don't like he's close friends with a girl who's single. ....but it made me upset...I kept thinking is he interested in her etc?
He's not "just friends" and you're right he is "interested" in her
Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowstar
Please tell me I'm just overreacting, or there's nothing to worry about (well I hope that to be true)
Srry, it may just be me but I find this all very dubious on his part. I do not for a second think you are over reacting and he needs to answer a few questions.
I'd find out how he'd react if you said that basically unless you cut everything off with her utterly and completely we are going to end up divorced.
I would absolutely put this to the test because I think he's having his cake and eating it. How far it has gone I don't know but for sure this is imo an EA that has never really stopped
Re: Want a man's perspective... 
I need to think more clearly instead of jumping to conclusions and getting emotional for no reason...
