Currently, trying to move past an issue we had 3yrs ago. The background is below but I wanted a guy's perspective...
Am I overreacting? Is it possible he really just saw her as a friend nothing more as he says, "the coworker I get along with the most"...and at some point 3yrs ago he said he was looking out for her like a brother because she was cheated on and divorced. CURRENTLY though, she is married and has a baby.
We are currently working on boundaries...back then he thought I was being unreasonable. Now 3yrs later (THREE YRS!) he said he finally understands how much I was hurt, how I really feel etc...and that it's his decision he's not going to talk to her unless necessary at work...
I know sometimes he can be a Mr. Nice Guy so he agreed to read Athol Kay's book...
Any thoughts?
A little background (this is all 3yrs ago):
My husband works w/mostly females, a few that he is friends with. One in particular he seems kinda close to him (talking wise). I know they text each other once in awhile but mostly about either work or her asking how me and baby are doing. She is in a book club with me so I kind of know her too. Well since we've been home w/the baby, I noticed on my computer that husband has gone to her facebook page many times--she doesn't really use it often so I have no idea why he did that
So I asked him about it and he said he just went there out of habit. He said it was stupid to do, and also something about the # of pics didn't match up with the actual pictures so he was just curious...
So why would he be so concerned about that? Also, one time he went on to check her page was at like 6am before work...what is that about? He said he didn't know why, again out of habit....
Husband is not close with his family, and we don't live where he grew up so his friends now are basically just his coworkers--which I feel badly about because I know sometimes he feels kinda lonely...
So am I overreacting that he is close friends with this one girl? I basically told him it bothers me and he said he's sorry and he won't be as close and it was stupid of him to check her page out for no reason
He didn't actually do anything, he's just friends with her, but something just doesn't sit right with me. I guess I just don't like he's close friends with a girl who's single. I don't know--I feel like if it was a guy I'd feel different. She is a nice person, I've seen her texts to him (just asking how the baby is, how I'm doing, funny things that happened at work, etc), so I don't think she has any kind of bad intentions, but it made me upset...I kept thinking is he interested in her etc?
Just recently having had a baby, him being home with me for a few weeks now and this has made me so stressed
Please tell me I'm just overreacting, or there's nothing to worry about (well I hope that to be true)
You may want to confront him directly but in a soft way and just say you can see he has a great interest in her, that it’s very obvious. That you need to know you are the only woman who has his love and affection and that his behaviour makes you feel very insecure.
Ask him to just resist the impulse he gets to see what she’s up to on Facebook or anywhere else. And that will let you know that you are the woman who has his love and affection and you will no longer feel insecure.
This is one of those code yellow situations. It's an early warning sign for an emotional affair that can be avoided in time. He seems to be good friends with her, but the growing amount of time they are together is not looking too good. Now it's human for him to show a little interest and want to socialize but work friends should stay work friends. I sense she's trying to gather information about you and what he desires so that she can later try to create that perfect facade and cast doubt on your marriage. People naturally ask about each other's lives but does it seem like she is probing for details to you? If so you better listen up.
You are not being too overly cautious or controlling and you can never go wrong when you trust your gut. I want you to define your boundary over infidelity to him and make it known you will not put up with being cheated on. THEN, get this! I want you to treat him special.The OW will seem like a better option so long as you keep finding arguments to be won and especially if you indirectly attack her. His feelings over her are directly liked to his pride, so an attack on her is seen as a personal attack. Get it?
You're only chance of not pushing him further towards her and into "more than close friends" is to attract him and make yourself his gf for a while. Think about it, she thinks everything he does is interesting (or will soon)..... so beat her to the punch and start showing a little more enthusiasm for his stories.... and don't b!tch about him talking about her, gather details for later when you draw conclusions.
I guess I am not sure what the question is. This all happened three years ago, it seems like nothing else occurred, and he now understands and is working to create boundaries and alleviate your concerns.
So what is the issue. It was something to be concerned about, but since it seems to have stopped, and he is working on it not repeating, why are you dwelling on it? Is there more that makes you nervous?
I guess I am not sure what the question is. This all happened three years ago, it seems like nothing else occurred, and he now understands and is working to create boundaries and alleviate your concerns.
So what is the issue. It was something to be concerned about, but since it seems to have stopped, and he is working on it not repeating, why are you dwelling on it? Is there more that makes you nervous?
I agree with this. It sounds like you handled the original situation quite well. And although he didn't see it at first, he has followed the guild lines set forth. Hasn't contacted her since then and you haven't had any issues recently?
From what you said, it probably was innocent to begin with. Honestly, I'm guessing most EA's are innocent. The vast majority start out as legitimate friendships. It's what they turn into is the problem. And it sounds like you headed this off before it really got there.
Considering most stories, consider yourself lucky. I would still keep my eye open, but I wouldn't hold it over him and try not to dwell on it too much (I know, easier said than done)...
I appreciate all of your advice, it actually has calmed me down a bit...
I DO admit I am an overreactor sometimes AND I sometimes get jealous...
I should have also added husband doesn't have many friends in the area, but I think this has taught him my boundaries and to find friends elsewhere, the closest friend can't be a girl from work (my boundary)
He did tell me he thinks after I had our child he was looking for an outlet to just talk to, not about serious stuff but just to make things seem 'normal' for a bit because of how crazy is was after having our baby (I had an emergency c-section, suffered some PPD, he was home from work for a month)
I shouldn't push it right?
How do I proceed? Just talk to him about boundaries (in the meanwhile we are ALSO trying to work on how to communicate)
It sounds like you've talked about the boundaries already haven't you? Yes, you need to establish boundaries. But don't over do it. If they've been established, he understands them, and there is no indication he is violating them (other than what was already addressed obviously), you don't need to keep going over it.
And from a guys perspective, obviously the girl from work as a friend is not a good thing, but friends are a good thing. Don't discourage him from regular friends. People need that. Just because our spouses are our best friends, doesn't mean they should be the only friend.
Three years later and he says he finally see how much he hurt you..... I bet he does see now if there was something to the relationship after three years he would have had enough time to get his head out of the infatuation fog.
I just dont get the behavior of people when they put co-workers on pedestals above their spouse not caring about how they are presenting themselves when MARRIED and just leaving the spouse to DEAL with the behavior they feel justified in displaying. After three years and now he wants to talk to her only about work simply raises my eyebrow to the THRILL IS GONE so now he wants to get back in good graces
Three years later and he says he finally see how much he hurt you..... I bet he does see now if there was something to the relationship after three years he would have had enough time to get his head out of the infatuation fog.
I just dont get the behavior of people when they put co-workers on pedestals above their spouse not caring about how they are presenting themselves when MARRIED and just leaving the spouse to DEAL with the behavior they feel justified in displaying. After three years and now he wants to talk to her only about work simply raises my eyebrow to the THRILL IS GONE so now he wants to get back in good graces
BUT I COULD BE WRONG...............
He thought I was just being jealous and controlling and lost my temper about it....because there were periods in between where I would act like all was normal and fine (because I was busy with our new baby!)
He said for about 1yr he only talked to her about work and stuck to that...he said over time because they work in the same room and HAVE to talk to each other about stuff at work, it just became more like that again...
I agree with this. It sounds like you handled the original situation quite well. And although he didn't see it at first, he has followed the guild lines set forth. Hasn't contacted her since then and you haven't had any issues recently?
From what you said, it probably was innocent to begin with. Honestly, I'm guessing most EA's are innocent. The vast majority start out as legitimate friendships. It's what they turn into is the problem. And it sounds like you headed this off before it really got there.
Considering most stories, consider yourself lucky. I would still keep my eye open, but I wouldn't hold it over him and try not to dwell on it too much (I know, easier said than done)...
It came up again because we recently went to a kids birthday party where she was...SHE was trying to talk to him like 'normal' and he OBVIOUSLY was trying to avoid her....when we came home I flipped out about it because I think he would have talked to her more if I wasn't there...he said "maybe a little bit but we're not friends, I don't talk to her that much"
I appreciate all of your advice, it actually has calmed me down a bit...
I DO admit I am an overreactor sometimes AND I sometimes get jealous...
I should have also added husband doesn't have many friends in the area, but I think this has taught him my boundaries and to find friends elsewhere, the closest friend can't be a girl from work (my boundary)
He did tell me he thinks after I had our child he was looking for an outlet to just talk to, not about serious stuff but just to make things seem 'normal' for a bit because of how crazy is was after having our baby (I had an emergency c-section, suffered some PPD, he was home from work for a month)
I shouldn't push it right?
How do I proceed? Just talk to him about boundaries (in the meanwhile we are ALSO trying to work on how to communicate)
Proceed with what? Boundaries are good to talk about, so no problem there, but what do you hope to accomplish with discussing this three year old incident, one that he admits you were correct about? What is your perfect outcome?
Proceed with what? Boundaries are good to talk about, so no problem there, but what do you hope to accomplish with discussing this three year old incident, one that he admits you were correct about? What is your perfect outcome?
It came up again because of this:
We recently went to a kids birthday party where she was...SHE was trying to talk to him like 'normal' and he OBVIOUSLY was trying to avoid her. When we came home I flipped out about it because I think he would have talked to her more if I wasn't there...he said "maybe a little bit but we're not friends, I don't talk to her that much"
Have you had issues like this before where you have confronted him?
The reason I'm asking is because if you have been unreasonable about it before, it's easier for him to think it's just you being jealous.
At the beginning of my Marriage, my wife had a lot of self-esteem and jealousy issues. She would confront me about things that were totally and entirely unreasonable. She would get upset over a story I heard in the breakroom from a woman. I honestly had never talked to this woman before in my life (quite a few people work here and I had just started)... I didn't even know her name. And she was 20 years older than me. And my wife would get upset about it.
After a while, I would've brushed off a lot of things as "her just being jealous".
It's the boy that cried wolf syndrome. You get upset about too many little things, he will ignore you when you get upset about something legitimate.
Want a man's perspective... 
I bet he does see now if there was something to the relationship after three years he would have had enough time to get his head out of the infatuation fog. 
