Po12345

The "other man" is a married man in Toronto who screwed her over some 14 years ago. I do not believe she ever got fully over him. They met up online, she went to see him, they had sex, he disappeared, completely, no phone calls, no emails, then several weeks later he shows up again online, this time with a model girlfriend, apologizing and such.

She has tried in the past to get past him, I know this from that journal of hers I found. She curses herself for still having feelings for him, however she could never fully pull the trigger on completely letting him go. Then, f'ing Facebook... they became friends on there, I don't know when, didn't really care because I trusted her, it was no big deal. Then during her trip to Arizona she went to go see him, came back ready to end the marriage, hid her visit with him, lied to me about it twice.

the only reason I know she didn't sleep with him is from the same journal, where she says she ended up in the bathroom bawling her eyes out scared out of her mind as to "why am I here???" sort of thing. She was so angry when I read that journal too. The guy is married with two kids but I think he does this sort of crap all the time (screws around on his wife on business trips). She talked to me one night about how "I guess he was never the person I thought he was" sort of conversation. But that doesn't change the fact that she has a completely unhealthy obsession with him, and it's fixated on this perfect idea of what he is, an man in her imagination that doesn't exist, a man I can't compete with because obviously I'm not perfect.

Oh, and not that maybe it makes any difference at this point, she says she was in love with me at one time and she wants to get back to that feeling again... so there wasn't a "never was", a little silver lining I guess.

__________________

Po12345

The "married guy in Toronto" was not married when they first met up years and years ago.

I am trying hard guys, but mornings are my worst, I just want to crawl up into a ball and disappear. I wanted to be the "family man" and enjoy time with my wife and kids, and have that perfect house and job, and now everything is in such turmoil. I see my kids, and the idea of not having them around every day hurts so badly.

__________________

Po12345

So, round-up on today. I have not texted her or called her, and I'm going to be trying very hard not to call her tonite. No, check that, I will NOT call her tonite, guaranteed. She can call. If it was just her that would be one thing but I do want to talk to my children.

She's called twice tonite, I'm not going to play my usual RUN TO THE PHONE, I am watching a movie and I'll call her back when it's over.

__________________

GetTough

Sounds like you're making a big improvement in your interactions with her. That's great. You may start to notice small changes in her that give you hope and thus cause you to weaken. Try not to let them affect you. Keep up the path you're on. Don't show your interest in her until she shows strong, irrefutable interest in reconciliation. If you show your interest in her, you will quite likely blow all the good work.

Po12345

I talked to her finally around 10 tonite, or an hour or so after she called. All I did was talked about what i did today, nothing mopey, no "how have you been" or "I sure miss you" or any of that, I saved that for the kids, then I told her I had to get going, stayed in control of the call. then when we hung up, she got stuck with the "I love you" awkward comment, which was actually empowering, I did respond back with "Love you too"

This is certainly NOT easy, I'll say that much heh.

__________________

GetTough

Wow already she gave you hope like I thought she would and you jumped through her hoop. But it's probably FALSE HOPE. She's SH1T-TESTING you. (read up on women's sh1t-tests) Damn man, you messed up here. Now she's had it reconfirmed you're still plan B. I don't want to be too tough on you because I know this is really really hard. I've been there. I know how tough this is for you. But you have to brush her off.

You messed up in two big ways.

1) talking about your day - none of her business, she is leaving you! What right does she have to know? This may sound vindictive but it's not - it's tactical. If you left her, what would you think if she was pally and talked to you about her day? That she couldn't let you go!!! She KNOWS you are being pally with her because you want her back. That is the EXACT OPPOSITE signal that you want to send.

2) telling her you loved her - sheesh. this was an even bigger screw up. You HAVE to make her think she's losing you, not that you're willing to be her fallback if her other options don't work out.

Telling her you had to go was great, that was STRONG. But I think you were only about 10% as strong as you could have been on this call. It should have been

What are you calling about?
Her: blah blah.
OK (quickly, decisively reject or accept what she wants, usually reject).
I'm going now.
Her: I love you.
You: (hang up).

Po12345

This is progressive for me...

Before I would have been mopey and sad and tried to slow the call down. Believe me this stuff isn't easy.

__________________

GetTough

I know. My thoughts are with you. I know how hard it must be to deal with everything right now. If you just remember to focus on yourself each day, health, finance, relationships other than your wife, e.g. friends etc, and put all of that before her, you'll be on the right track. Like other posters have said, she's got to "own her own chaos", until such a time as she's clear what she wants. Don't help her cope with her own chaos. Let her deal with it. She left you, you've got to show her that really means she's on her own now, and what the full implications are.

Catherine602

Word
Posted via Mobile Device

Po12345

Help me be strong today everyone.... I am so damn lonely right now. And for the first time today I noticed she has several of "his" friends now friended on Facebook, it has likely been that way for some time but I never knew who they were, never had reason to care, except it caught my eye today.

I do not understand how someone can be so f'ing uncaring and cruel to their spouse, I may have done some foolish things early on but she's gone well beyond anything I have done.

__________________

keko

Is she going to meet him during her trip?

Po12345

No, she is staying at her parent's place on the lake. I don't know that they will ever meet up again, her and him, but that isn't the issue at this point. She deleted and blocked my family and friends and has developed such an obsession about him, denies it, and now adds his friends onto her FB.

I am honestly trying to NOT care, to get to a point where I can point to the god D door and say "there you go, you opened it, now feel free to leave", but it is so incredibly hard, the picture of my children keeps popping up in my mind.

If my wife were able to be honest in counseling that is one thing, but at this point she doesn't even seem to be honest with herself. This is just ridiculous.

__________________

GetTough

It's a combination of emotional trauma, rationalizing, justifying, anger, and needing to force you to let go that causes this cruelty. Give her PLENTY of space. Try to be the guy that can take the hits and not return ANY, just stoic indifference, nonchalance. Rebuild your life as though she doesn't exist, until the woman you knew beings to return, which is possible. Things will never be quite the same, but things can and will get better for you.

DTO

That is exactly right. NMMNG is not relationship advice, it is advice for finding the courage and self-confidence to stand up for yourself, be in control of yourself, and build the life you desire. By being assertive and genuine, you are more likely to attract people who like the real you and will advocate politely but firmsly for yourself when those inevitable conflicts happen, making it more likely that you will get the happiness you seek.

Never forget also that the marriage may still fail even as you become a better person. There may be too much resentment, your wife's real issues may not be evident, or she might resent that you are standing up for yourself and not under her control.

WillK

Be a man, remind yourself that she feels special, but so would any woman that got close to you - and if they appreciated you for the man you can and will be, that would feel even more special. Whether it's your wife, or if she doesn't realize what a man you are and moves on, then there will be a woman who will.

__________________
The thread linked below is about as close as I get to my story, it has my posts about the point where I turned my marriage around and on the day my wife was planning to move out, instead we started a new beginning. I've been keeping my updates in this thead as well:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...-sex-life.html