The wife moved out in March, after saying I would never get over the affair she had in the summer of 2010. I did not want her gone, she unilaterally decided to leave. saying she could not live with being reminded daily of the affair, then admitting her guilt was the daily reminder.
Fast forward to now, she says things like she wants to be friends. She went to visit a friend out of state (female and yes she was there for real) and wants to give me a gift she bought for me. Still though, she wants a divorce. I have hoped we could still try to work things out, but the false hope is killing me literally.
So on Saturday, I met with her and told her I cannot and will not communicate with her unless it deals with our pending legal separation/divorce. We have been trying to iron an agreement out, and are close. She will be buiying me out of our house, and I am going to build a new house a few blocks away. (I got an insane deal on a foreclosed lot) She wants to be my friend and have input into the new home, but it hurts to much. She was obviously hurt with ,my stance, but I can't live with false hope anymore. Even with the Saturday chat, she emailed me Sunday with some BS that did not need to be communicated.
Is this the right approach? My counselor has said keep it business only. I do feel a bit liberated that I have shut things down. She says she loves me, etc etc...but I can't deal with living this way.
Anyway, any insight or experience would be appreciated.
Yes, if this is interfering with you moving on to a better place and you have issues with it right now then you need to keep it business. Just act like you are ok with the split from here on out even if you are not and stay as far away as possible.
My very long term relationship with my wife ended two years back. She wanted to be friends and to be able to go to the same weddings etc.
I explained there is no way I will be in contact with her for anything other than business. I’m not one who believes that being in love feeling can be turned off like a switch turning off the light. For me I will always love her but what I have done is stopped all loving and friendly actions. It took a while to turn them off, but I got there.
That works for me. I will never see her again, she is now part of my past and not a part of my future. It’s the only way I could handle it, get over it all. And I’m very nearly there.
I think your wife is in some ways teasing you and in that she’s being quite cruel even though it’s probably unintentional. It’s either over or it’s not. For me there are no halfway houses in these things.
My very long term relationship with my wife ended two years back. She wanted to be friends and to be able to go to the same weddings etc.
I explained there is no way I will be in contact with her for anything other than business. I’m not one who believes that being in love feeling can be turned off like a switch turning off the light. For me I will always love her but what I have done is stopped all loving and friendly actions. It took a while to turn them off, but I got there.
That works for me. I will never see her again, she is now part of my past and not a part of my future. It’s the only way I could handle it, get over it all. And I’m very nearly there.
I think your wife is in some ways teasing you and in that she’s being quite cruel even though it’s probably unintentional. It’s either over or it’s not. For me there are no halfway houses in these things.
Yeah, decide now if you want to R with her or not because she's very clear that is her intention. she didn't find the replacement for you she had hoped for. The story about reminders being the reason she left is BS.
I'd not live that close to her, but that's just me.
Gosh- that's rough. It almost seems like she's trying to string you along so to make it harder for you to let go, which is happening. I agree that this is a cruel, albeit maybe unintentional tactic.
She probably wants that reassurance that even though you won't be together, you still like her & would entertain the thought of reconciling if she decides she wants it.
Essentially, it seems she's keeping one foot in the door, in case she changes her mind.
But what do YOU want? If it's at that point where you can no longer take this, converse about it. Say hey, I can't be doing this, either you want ALL out or you want ALL in. You need to know what cards you're playing with otherwise it's a life of feeling like you're in emotional limbo. That's not fair to you.
I also agree that if she says she surely wants this divorce, that you agree to keeping your conversations to a bare, bare minimum. Everytime you casually talk, it makes it harder. I'm betting she knows this.
If she doesn't, she could be reeeeaaalllly testing you to see how you feel about the prospect of her leaving.
She is guilty & might be wanting your reassurance badly..?
If she truly wants out though, just cutting it off & moving forward, although TOUGH, is the less painful of the two options.. Posted via Mobile Device
Sometimes with exes, and especially with women, there's a need to be liked by the person they did so much to hurt. She needs to remain in some sort of friendship with you to try and ease her own conscience about what she did and is still doing to you. Don't fall into that trap, she doesn't care about you so much as her own feelings. If you want to be the gentleman, communicate with her civilly but coolly and just take care of business. Don't let her lure you in. It will drive her crazy to watch you slowly pull away, but it's something you need to do for your own sake.
All of the above, plus eventually you will be in another relationship and being friendly with the ex, except on a business relationship, will probably hurt your new relationship.
If I were in your situation, I would consider being friendly with my former wife about six months or so after my honeymoon with my new wife, and then only with my new wife in my arms to make sure I don't say anything
The closeness is by default, I can't pass the lot up and I love the area I live in. We will not see each other because of the way the streets are laid out.
5Likes
I think I did the right thing???? 
