Did Ayla post hit home? I feel so bad for you wife she sounds like a doll.
You talk about your boredom and your remedy seems to be that women should do something for you. Your wife is pressed into service to entertain you. Woman on the street are there for you to oogle and you even entertain using your wife as an entre into the swinging life. What a nightmare for your wife you must be. God knows she must be trying but she no doubt knows that she is just not up to your low standards. But she is stuck with an immature entitled, self- centered man with two kids she loves.
I won't tell you that you should not have married knowing that you were ill suited to carry out the responsibilities of a husband and father. Or that you were very deceptive to pledge your fidelity to your wife and bring two innocent souls into the would knowing that you have never been able to hold the interest of one woman for long. What were you thinking? I know, you were thinking of you. But if you and sex is so important to you then stay single, don't be deceptive.
I wont say that you and your sexual pleasure are not the most important things in all of this. How much porn are you watching? How many years? Learn everything you know about sex from porn? Ever pick up a book on relationships and male and female sexuality? Ever read a book entitled "his needs her needs". The first thing you should do is lay off the porn and stick to real life if you are intersted in the welfare of those you have pledged to take care of - your kids.
You are imposing on your wife the burden of solving your problems, can you see that? I think you are the problem not your wife, so please stop making her feel inadequate. Be a man and look at yourself. Instead of buying lingerie and pole dancing lessons for her, invest in IC and some books on relationships, love, empathy and compassion. That would be money well spent.
Actually i think the best money you will ever spend is to get a divorce, and chase down all of the girls you are so attracted to. You will have an endless supply of women to keep you amused. Don't get married and have anymore kids.
Your wife - don't worry, she will be hurt at first but she was just unlucky to get a man like you, it happens. She will find someone who recognizes her unique value and love her for herself with out the dissapontment and demands that she be a sex entertainer.
She will see how lucky she was that you are gone to be serviced by 100s of women in exchange, she gets a chance to have a real man in her life. Moreover, her kids have the influence of an adult male by which to pattern their behavior. Posted via Mobile Device
This is going to get ripped apart, but I'm going to be honest:
Part of it is the chase, the unknown, the challenge, seeing how far I can push her beyond her boundaries, how crazy can I make her, but there's also the newness of different color skin, different smells, different breast size, different nipples, different body types, hair, lips, eyes, etc.
There's also the lack of (known) baggage in the new partner - obviously, everyone brings their own baggage, but with a new partner, you don't know about it (yet).
Trust me, I appreciate the great sex that can be had with someone you know and love and have been with for a while. But I also know the great sex that can be had with someone you've just met and lust after.
I realize the audience here is pro the former and anti the latter, so fire away.
I already said my piece in the other thread, so - lots of it I won't repeat, but - I can say, you are presenting a different picture on this thread, than the one in the Ladies Corner.
Your wife cannot suddenly become a Star Trek holodeck creation and morph into different people with different smells and different nipples. If that is ultimately, what you want - it's unfair to say that the reason is her lack of enthusiasm. Your wife being enthusiastic about the lingerie won't change those things. And perhaps, at some level - she knows what the issue is. You indicated she is indeed aware of it, and has been the butt of your friend's jokes about your past reputation for sexual prowess.
So, perhaps, at least some part of her knows that it is a Band-Aid on a gaping wound, that she knows you want to return to who you were, and so she tries half-heartedly, but knows in the end, it won't help.
You want honest responses from people, but - present two very different sides. Either you are looking for advice on how to stay with your wife, or you are looking for people to validate your desire to cheat. This isn't (infamous cheaters hookup website), overall, people aren't pro-cheating, especially no doubt when two children are involved.
Maybe you need to decide what exactly it is you want first.
I already said my piece in the other thread, so - lots of it I won't repeat, but - I can say, you are presenting a different picture on this thread, than the one in the Ladies Corner.
Your wife cannot suddenly become a Star Trek holodeck creation and morph into different people with different smells and different nipples. If that is ultimately, what you want - it's unfair to say that the reason is her lack of enthusiasm. Your wife being enthusiastic about the lingerie won't change those things. And perhaps, at some level - she knows what the issue is. You indicated she is indeed aware of it, and has been the butt of your friend's jokes about your past reputation for sexual prowess.
So, perhaps, at least some part of her knows that it is a Band-Aid on a gaping wound, that she knows you want to return to who you were, and so she tries half-heartedly, but knows in the end, it won't help.
You want honest responses from people, but - present two very different sides. Either you are looking for advice on how to stay with your wife, or you are looking for people to validate your desire to cheat. This isn't (infamous cheaters hookup website), overall, people aren't pro-cheating, especially no doubt when two children are involved.
Maybe you need to decide what exactly it is you want first.
I'm curious - how do you think I am presenting a "very different picture" in this thread than in the other?
I DO NOT WANT TO CHEAT - I am here to get the opinions, feedback, suggestions of others to fix MY problem! Not my wife's problem - MY PROBLEM.
I don't know what is wrong with me - why I can't be satisfied with the love and affection of one beautiful woman but I am trying to overcome it.
I heard a very crude saying once - find me a hot chick and I'll find you a guy who is sick of ******* her. I am falling down that road to being one of those a$$holes and I WANT TO PREVENT THAT - THAT IS WHY I AM HERE!
I have been to therapy - was in it for three months - maybe I got stuck with the wrong counselor, but all this WOMAN did was validate my feelings - I think you can see why I haven't been back.
But seriously - how is what I'm saying here different from the thread in the other section?
I have been to therapy - was in it for three months - maybe I got stuck with the wrong counselor, but all this WOMAN did was validate my feelings - I think you can see why I haven't been back.
I say this with all the kindness I can muster. Maybe it's just true. Maybe you are just not the monogomous kind. And thats okay seriously. Maybe this is just who you are and trying to fit a round peg in a square hole just won't work. And the more you try to deny what you really want the more it will plague you. Maybe you do need to leave your wife so you can chase all the newness you want.
But that's a problem isn't it? You want to cake eat. You want your wife AND the newness of other women. Sadly it doesn't work that way.
Again I mean no disrespect. This is going to come down to deciding what you want more. Your wife or newness. However if you are unable to get turned on by your wife to do your husbandly duty you owe it to her to let her go. It's the honorable thing to do.
I say this with all the kindness I can muster. Maybe it's just true. Maybe you are just not the monogomous kind. And thats okay seriously. Maybe this is just who you are and trying to fit a round peg in a square hole just won't work. And the more you try to deny what you really want the more it will plague you. Maybe you do need to leave your wife so you can chase all the newness you want.
But that's a problem isn't it? You want to cake eat. You want your wife AND the newness of other women. Sadly it doesn't work that way.
Again I mean no disrespect. This is going to come down to deciding what you want more. Your wife or newness. However if you are unable to get turned on by your wife to do your husbandly duty you owe it to her to let her go. It's the honorable thing to do.
No, its not OK. I made a commitment to her and to my kids and I will not break that commitment.
I can't believe I'm the only one who struggles with this as much as I do. Is the world really just divided up into guys who don't care and cheat, guys who knew who they were and didn't get married, and guys who don't have these feelings/urges. I find that hard to believe.
I can't believe I'm the only one who struggles with this as much as I do. Is the world really just divided up into guys who don't care and cheat, guys who knew who they were and didn't get married, and guys who don't have these feelings/urges. I find that hard to believe.
That's a really good question and one I can't answer since I'm female.
My husband didn't sleep around and is quite content to just be with me for the rest of his life. And not to be a snit about it but at 46 years old finding someone else that looks as good as me or one that will put out as much as I do would be difficult for him.
You evidently don't have this problem so I see your dilema.
Don't beat yourself up. Most guys have those urges. Hell....sometimes I even think about how "that girl at the supermarket" would moan as I slide deep into her and pinch her nipple. I think it's just a guy thing, perhaps.
It seems like you have it very bad with your emotional turmoil. Honestly, I don't have THE answer for you though. I'm not sure anyone here does either. Hopefully you get some coping advice from other members. I think your into a big self discovery moment of your life my friend. Time for some soul searching to find those answers you need. Find out what's important in your life. Posted via Mobile Device
Only you can reign in those thoughts, as for what might help? Meditation? Prayer? A different therapist? You need to find a management technique that works for you.
But, I'll reiterate what others said in different threads, you aren't going to be able to coordinate that management technique by feeding these thoughts and fantasies while continuing with the porn use you mention on the other thread. You can't continue to flood your thoughts about all those different - women and their "new" body parts and keep it from your mind.
Further - I'm going to suggest even if you embrace a different management technique long-term, you need to hook up with a different therapist and look deeper into all of this, as - you mention "baggage" about how you wouldn't know what someone new's baggage is. I think it's time to deal with that baggage, whether that means individual or couple's therapy or both.
I can't believe I'm the only one who struggles with this as much as I do. Is the world really just divided up into guys who don't care and cheat, guys who knew who they were and didn't get married, and guys who don't have these feelings/urges. I find that hard to believe.
I have been watching this thread and I thought by now you would have found a way out of your dilemma. I see now you haven't. You would have to recognize why you have this problem first.
Despite what you say. You sir, are not in love with your wife.
It is normal for men to look at women, and have lustful feelings. Men who are in LOVE with their wives, know it's just a passing thought, and their minds go back to their wives.
I can not tell you what you should do about your commitment. I believe that it had something to do with love and cherish.
Your seeming a bit angry these days... Posted via Mobile Device
Alpha Maybe you are right, this does strike a nerve with me. I guess i put myself in his wife's place and identify with her. I am a wife and mother. I try very hard to make my husband happy. It would be terrible for me to know that no matter how hard I tried I am still not enough for my husband.
For men like this poster, it is never enough , never good enough, sex sex sex. A woman value is based on the sexual pleasure he dirives from her. He talks about his wife as if she is a prop - he gets her undergarments to titillate himself, he does not ask her what she likes that does not matter. She is a manakin but alas she does not perform well poor thing.
I am sure he lets her know she failed him. He has the nerve to enroll her in pole dancing classes, why? I doubt if he asked if she was interested in wasting her time on that stupidness but he thinks about his titillation. She fails again, she is not a pole dancer, who knew. She probably did not think she would need to have that skill when she was maturing into a woman who woukd make a good wife and mother.
He is bored, so his wife is treated like a cardboard figure and manipulated into what he thinks will give him a thrill. I cant figure out why that is ok. I thoght sex was a mutually satisfying expression of love. This sounds like a service his wife is requireed to supply.
The way he approaches this - she has no say in what she wants, she is required to fix herself to meet his demands and feel nothing when she feels. She can expect no solace from him if she can't perform he is too busy looking at all of the woman he could have if he did not have a dud of a wife.
He has a right to feel whatever he feels. If he is attracted to other women, is his right as a red blooded man. As a human being, he has an obligation to treat his wife with respect, compassion and kindness. If she does not now measure up to his standards of arrousal, he should make an orderly exit. I am not suggesting he find out what she is feeling because that is not what concerns him. He is concerned with himself only.
He is not asking how to make thier sex life more exciting for both of them. This is all about her relieving him of boredom. And that is ok? Who the hell is he that he thinks one human being needs to concern hrself with his sexual boredom.?
I think I am a fairly good wife to a wonderful man. My husband seems happy. However, after reading so many post by men like this OP with expectations that far outstrip their abilities, i really wonder. Doesn't seem to make any difference what a woman does, it is never enough.
Sometimes i think the woman who dont try so hard have it right. If any random women that he passes in the street who has invested nothing in him, never has and doubtless never will meet any of his needs can be so easily elevated to a position of importance in his heard, then why the hell are wives trying so hard? Maybe getting past the wedding and the kids and then shutting down is more adaptive than it seems at first. These woman certainly maintain their self respect and autonomy and dont become puppets on a string trying to keep their husbands sexually amused.
End of rant. It is safe to start reading now. Posted via Mobile Device
Solution - let your wife go and live the single life.
There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do. Some people like being married and can manage to enjoy the perks and forgo the freedom to roam. You may not be that type of person. You are not bad for being you. Just don't deceive anyone. You made a mistake by getting married and having kids, don't compound the mistake by making your wife feel inadequate.
There is someone for your wife, someone who will think she is just what he has been waiting for. Just because she is not enough for you does not mean that other men are as blind as you. Posted via Mobile Device
Alpha Maybe you are right, this does strike a nerve with me. I guess i put myself in his wife's place and identify with her. I am a wife and mother. I try very hard to make my husband happy. It would be terrible for me to know that no matter how hard I tried I am still not enough for my husband.
For men like this poster, it is never enough , never good enough, sex sex sex. A woman value is based on the sexual pleasure he dirives from her. He talks about his wife as if she is a prop - he gets her undergarments to titillate himself, he does not ask her what she likes that does not matter. She is a manakin but alas she does not perform well poor thing.
I am sure he lets her know she failed him. He has the nerve to enroll her in pole dancing classes, why? I doubt if he asked if she was interested in wasting her time on that stupidness but he thinks about his titillation. She fails again, she is not a pole dancer, who knew. She probably did not think she would need to have that skill when she was maturing into a woman who woukd make a good wife and mother.
He is bored, so his wife is treated like a cardboard figure and manipulated into what he thinks will give him a thrill. I cant figure out why that is ok. I thoght sex was a mutually satisfying expression of love. This sounds like a service his wife is requireed to supply.
The way he approaches this - she has no say in what she wants, she is required to fix herself to meet his demands and feel nothing when she feels. She can expect no solace from him if she can't perform he is too busy looking at all of the woman he could have if he did not have a dud of a wife.
He has a right to feel whatever he feels. If he is attracted to other women, is his right as a red blooded man. As a human being, he has an obligation to treat his wife with respect, compassion and kindness. If she does not now measure up to his standards of arrousal, he should make an orderly exit. I am not suggesting he find out what she is feeling because that is not what concerns him. He is concerned with himself only.
He is not asking how to make thier sex life more exciting for both of them. This is all about her relieving him of boredom. And that is ok? Who the hell is he that he thinks one human being needs to concern hrself with his sexual boredom.?
I think I am a fairly good wife to a wonderful man. My husband seems happy. However, after reading so many post by men like this OP with expectations that far outstrip their abilities, i really wonder. Doesn't seem to make any difference what a woman does, it is never enough.
Sometimes i think the woman who dont try so hard have it right. If any random women that he passes in the street who has invested nothing in him, never has and doubtless never will meet any of his needs can be so easily elevated to a position of importance in his heard, then why the hell are wives trying so hard? Maybe getting past the wedding and the kids and then shutting down is more adaptive than it seems at first. These woman certainly maintain their self respect and autonomy and dont become puppets on a string trying to keep their husbands sexually amused.
End of rant. It is safe to start reading now. Posted via Mobile Device
This is an interesting and thought provoking post, Catherine. Well stated. Posted via Mobile Device
This is my first time posting and chatting in a relationship forum and I can see it was a BIG, BIG mistake.
Not sure why, but I thought I might be able to get some fair, unbiased, objective opinions about my situation, but I see that was a wholly unreasonable expectation.
Many of you, either consciously or subconsciously, bring your own experiences, scorn, joy, love, hardships, etc. into the responses you post. You read what you want to read, see what you you've experienced in your lives in my situation and draw assumptions and conclusions based thereon. That, frankly, is not what helping people is about - helping people is about seeing a situation as objectively as possible - without prejudice, bias or a skewed perspective which you carry from the beginning and cannot shed despite the additional information that is provided.
I know that I am an excellent husband. I support my wife in every way imaginable - in her career, with the household chores, the children, her social life, staying in shape, in the bedroom, with her family - everything! Over the years I have continually asked her what she wants in the bedroom and have responded accordingly - she is VERY satisfied in that arena - she is very satisfied with me as a husband in EVERY arena - except with how often we have sex lately (which is due to MANY reasons - not just my lack of interest in sex with her).
You have no idea how I talk to my wife, how I treat her, what I do for her so keep your assumptions and opinions to yourself. I have never manipulated, used or abused my wife in any way, shape or form. She has a say in everything - EVERYTHING! I am not a domineering husband at all. I respect her (and all women) a great deal. She credits me for all of her successes in life (and she is a very, VERY successful career woman).
She just happens to be lacking in the bedroom - and yes, she has tried, WE have tried to improve it. Before me, she never orgasmed. I helped her with that and now she climaxes several times and can't get enough of me. I have helped her relax and enjoy sex like never before. We worked on her for years. You think maybe now I'm entitled to a little work?
There's so much more to this, and if I really thought going deeper would lead to some progress, I would divulge, but I can clearly see that is not the case. I see this has been a complete waste of time and those of you with your 1000's of posts, spewing what you believe to be valuable opinions (as opposed to support and advice - yes, there is a difference) should really find yourselves another hobby - all you're doing is damaging others (and yourselves).
You people who throw barbs and cast stones, I pity you, I really do.
This is my first time posting and chatting in a relationship forum and I can see it was a BIG, BIG mistake.
Not sure why, but I thought I might be able to get some fair, unbiased, objective opinions about my situation, but I see that was a wholly unreasonable expectation.
Many of you, either consciously or subconsciously, bring your own experiences, scorn, joy, love, hardships, etc. into the responses you post. You read what you want to read, see what you you've experienced in your lives in my situation and draw assumptions and conclusions based thereon. That, frankly, is not what helping people is about - helping people is about seeing a situation as objectively as possible - without prejudice, bias or a skewed perspective which you carry from the beginning and cannot shed despite the additional information that is provided.
I know that I am an excellent husband. I support my wife in every way imaginable - in her career, with the household chores, the children, her social life, staying in shape, in the bedroom, with her family - everything! Over the years I have continually asked her what she wants in the bedroom and have responded accordingly - she is VERY satisfied in that arena - she is very satisfied with me as a husband in EVERY arena - except with how often we have sex lately (which is due to MANY reasons - not just my lack of interest in sex with her).
You have no idea how I talk to my wife, how I treat her, what I do for her so keep your assumptions and opinions to yourself. I have never manipulated, used or abused my wife in any way, shape or form. She has a say in everything - EVERYTHING! I am not a domineering husband at all. I respect her (and all women) a great deal. She credits me for all of her successes in life (and she is a very, VERY successful career woman).
She just happens to be lacking in the bedroom - and yes, she has tried, WE have tried to improve it. Before me, she never orgasmed. I helped her with that and now she climaxes several times and can't get enough of me. I have helped her relax and enjoy sex like never before. We worked on her for years. You think maybe now I'm entitled to a little work?
There's so much more to this, and if I really thought going deeper would lead to some progress, I would divulge, but I can clearly see that is not the case. I see this has been a complete waste of time and those of you with your 1000's of posts, spewing what you believe to be valuable opinions (as opposed to support and advice - yes, there is a difference) should really find yourselves another hobby - all you're doing is damaging others (and yourselves).
You people who throw barbs and cast stones, I pity you, I really do.
Good luck to you all. Honestly.
Great post!! I agree 1000000000000000% because this is more the truth than any reply in this thread
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Re: Losing interest in sex w/ the wife 
