alphaomega

Dto

You are correct. But I probably need to clarify a bit....

I was going for the soft sell. To walk into the situation without anger and resentment to try to pinpoint the root issue. To me, that would be better than going straight in to butting heads again. This way, he can determine if his wife has some issues that can easily be handled with minor behavior changes, or if she is just disrespectful out of entitlement.
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sculley

OP you stated that you brought up the lack of intimacy and that you would leave if it didn't change. Are you trying to instigate this by being romantic or anything. I am just wondering because honestly having a healthy sex life takes two partners involved...Not just one always having to start it that is the quickest way toward resentment in a marriage just saying because I have been there.

Also have you talked to her yet about all of this, have you guys communicated your needs or wants.... This to me would be key and the first step. Trying to understand each other and why things are so tense. I know at times I get a little bit nippy and am not aware i'm doing it...in the beginning it used to cause all sorts of fights with my DH...now he has learned when he thinks I am being that way to ask me if i'm ok...usually its just me flustered over something that's not related to him and him allowing me to vent helps and I respect him so much for working on that piece of our marriage with me.. same with him if I feel he is flustered I will blow a raspberry on his neck or something to lighten the mood...

The difference of cultures is what I think can kill ya'll I have seen so many of my sailors marry foreign and the same problem happens in every marriage...It's more of a business partnership it seems. I am not saying that is what yours is just sharing third party experiences.. Maybe the problem isn't with her having to stay at home with the kids(given your testimony on her reluctancy to get a part time job, most asian cultures the women stays home and the man provides financially) maybe its a problem with ya'll and she is resentful.
I'm still standing with my original advice. You really need to sit down and talk to her about everything and what's bothering her I can guarentee you it's not the kids (too often people obsessed assuming what a problem is with someone)

__________________
More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse. ~Doug Larson

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Raising small children is exhausting. Some women handle it better then others. The same goes for parenting skills, some are better at it then others.

I love children, but those younger years were tough. Especially when you have kids that are whiny and cranky a lot of the time. My children were pretty demanding.

It does get much easier as they age. I have an 18 year old who is very independent and moved out of the house already. My other two are 9 and 11. Now that my kids are older and less demanding, I can focus my attention more on my husband. We now have one one one time together just about every single night for at least an hour. We didn't have that before.

My husband works very hard too. In fact- for 7 years, he worked 3 jobs to pay the bills. His choice of course. His 2 part time jobs paid well for being part time and really helped. My husband recently got a nice promotion and was able to quit these 2 part time jobs. However, he still is just as busy if not busier working longer hours in the office. I'm looking forward to his schedule returning back to normal after he hires one more person in his department.

I love being a SAHM. I was never really planning on returning to work, which was discussed when my husband asked me to quit my job. Now I can't due to a neck injury and becoming disabled. Since I broke my neck, it slowed my life down almost to a halt. I use to run 36 miles a week to walking a few hundred feet. At least I can walk. My husband stepped up his support to me and it wasn't until then how selfish I felt for not realizing how much effort he puts into our marriage. Plus, I realized he always has put my needs before his own. We always have had a strong marriage, but it's now even stronger on a deeper level then before. When the kids were young, he'd take over at night, so I could exercise or go in another room if I needed a break. I don't need a break from them once they grew out of the toddler stage.

It's amazing, not once have I ever heard a complaint from my husband. He looks at life in such a positive way that it really changed me into doing the same. I try and work as hard as possible around the home. Of course I'll have my unbearable pain days and spend those days in bed. I've now found a hobby that has sparked a new interest in me last year. It keeps me up and moving everyday on top of the housework and cooking. My husband has always been that really nice guy, but it's what works for us. I count my blessings daily and show gratitude towards my husband.

If your wife is showing you disrespect, I agree with telling her in a loving way to stop. I also agree with letting her know how much you appreciate her ways of cooking, child rearing, and keeping up the house.

Once I started complimenting my husband and writing him letters/notes/ emails thanking him for what he does for us, he in return does the same. It really strengthened our marriage. We now even started flirting and fun teasing each other more. Good luck. Just remember that it is exhausting those first few years. After our youngest started school is when it got easier for us.

Good_Dad

OP Here:

Again, thanks for all the feedback. So many good suggestions. I am very grateful to all of you. I'll try to address your questions with brevity.

Communication... yes, I have communicated my concerns many times to her. Small, temporary changes on her part.

Appreciation... yes I try my best. I gave her some gifts on mothers day, gave her the day off (by the way she has never done anything for me on any father's day. ). Couple weeks ago I bought her a couple dozen fresh oysters from the farmers market... which she loves. Never said thank you. Few times a week I take over a lot of the chores to give her a break. It all pretty much goes unappreciated.

work and money... yes, I work a ton. I know that and right now the money isn't great. But in my career there is a great potential to be very financially successful. In-fact, last month was a huge month for me and a sign that I am going to be very successful. It just takes time and a lot of work. And in time (5-10 years or so) I will be able to work 3 or even just 2.5 days a week. So... lots of work up front pays off. She should recognize this and I would hope she would support me in that effort as it benefits all of us in the long run. Instead, I feel like I am climbing Mt. Everest at work and going home and someone giving me their backpack to carry up the mountain... rather than someone helping me take the load off.

First few years... I know the first years are rough. I understand that. And to be honest that's probably why I'm really hanging in. I am optimistic things will get better as the kids get older, go to school, etc. I know I could make more of an effort to express appreciation for her when I get home at night... but it takes an extraordinary effort. But I will make that effort. Thanks for the advice.

Culture... yah... big difference in cultures. And that has definitely played a role in our relationship... a lot of it good, though certainly some instances of tension because of our differences.

Thank you everyone.