You're pissed because I didn't get sucked into your story. Deal with it.
If you're not interested in giving any type of support, WTF are you here? Talk about a person with way too much time on their hands. You know what this thread is about, you're obviously not wearing your big boy/big girl pants, so go play with the other sanctimonious sub-humans in another thread. Too many of you are making this about sex and cheating. The OP never mentioned sex, he's talking about a connection with another person that he and his wife do not share.
Football... I understand completely where you're coming from. I'm in a similar situation. I've been married for 20 years and I have one 13yo daughter. I settled. Instead for putting myself out there and going after the woman I had a connection with, I settled. I love my wife, but not the way I love this other woman. I don't see this other woman, but we do have email contact. When we were together 23 years ago, everything was so easy. The same holds true today. Everything with my wife always feels forced. I don't/didn't believe in the soul-mate/fate BS either. But I know she's the one. How do I know? I don't know, I just feel it. She's married, but is also unhappy. Neither one of us will leave our current marriages because of kids. I want that connection, I want to love the woman on the pedestal, I want that closeness, I want...her. Instead, I'm married, and sometimes it feels like I'm rowing a slave ship.
This isn't about sex, so to those of you who will offer your insults and tell me I'm thinking with my penis, let me preempt you by telling you to shove your condemnation up your ass, sideways, unlubed, repeatedly.
This type of thing in a marriage can be seen by the husband as a fitness test. “Am I a fit husband, or not?” And in that sense I got tested many times when with my wife in the 4 decades we were together.
Not only with that seemingly immediate and deep connection with a woman you’ve not even spoken to, but with a woman working in the office where the attraction starts off strong and just keeps getting stronger. And then almost total strangers knocking on your hotel bedroom door at one in the morning for “a light”.
All these are fitness tests for a husband and subsequently the man inside of him. I didn’t pass all my fitness tests, no way. But I did for the last 35 years of our relationship and I’m quite proud of that. My wife didn’t pass all of her fitness tests though but I’m certain she got many more than I or any other man on the planet ever will.
As to whether you pass or fail the fitness tests that come your way will in the eyes of many and in your own eyes define the very “type” of man you are.
I know exactly how you feel. The negative attitude, the lack of energy and/or drive. Its not as if i have a bad life. I have a home, cars, two wonderful healthy children and we get along pretty decently but we're more really good friends than lovers or husband and wife for that matter.
I also know exactly how you feel about this unexplained connection, something you CANNOT put into words feeling towards this woman. The series of events in our lives to create the circumstances in which we met were unimaginable. I've had women approach me, offer themselves, the whole gambit. I've fantasized about sexy women i've met. Thought "man, just one night". This girl did NONE of those things except look straight into my soul like no person has ever done and just talk. I have not sexually fantasized about her but rather dreamed of walking hand in hand and laughing and being with her for eternity. It sounds stupid and crazy and ludicrous and silly.... We know this.
And for three weeks it's been tearing me apart inside. Just when I think I've pushed her out of my mind, the sadness and heartache that she's gone comes rushing back and I cry and I feel empty.
I came here for advice on the very thing you're looking for and the conclusion I've come to is that I HAVE to give my wife a chance. Marrying her was my choice, even if i feel i was never actually in love. I've since talked her about some things that need correcting and if that happens then we can make it work. She deserves that much. I made a commitment and as a MAN I have to try abide by that.
I will always wonder what might have been with "her" because I know I'm not insane. I know what I felt was real, for the first time in my life. The naysayers can say we're faking it or we're full of it or it's infatuation.... whatever!! they will never understand until they FEEL it themselves. I wish everyone could experience what you, me and sharpened, felt just once in their lives.
If she was my soulmate, we'll find each other again, in the right time and the right circumstances.
The naysayers can say we're faking it or we're full of it or it's infatuation.... whatever!! they will never understand until they FEEL it themselves. I wish everyone could experience what is we felt just once in their lives.
You guys crack me up. You are like a bunch of 15 year olds with a first crush.
Grow up.
I "felt it" and married her a couple of decades ago. I still "FEEL" it.
What you are "feeling" is a dopamine reaction because someone noticed you and reciprocated. Twinkies served on paper plates would look like a multi-course dinner at a 3 star restaurant to someone who is starving.
I think we have 3 love sick puppies in this thread - look up dopamine gentlemen, your judgement is currently about as good as that of a crack addict.
So, pine away while you listen to the rationalization hamster spew the Love Song of AJP or go stand in front of the mirror and observe the man that you led you and your relationship into its current state of distress.
The pattern will repeat, with your wife or a new love, until you fix you.
People seem to be reading only what they want to read.
All 3 of us "crazies" have clearly stated we've had women approach us during our relationships but we have not acted on those. I'm sure we all could have had several mistresses or flings or what have you but that's not what it's about.
FormerNiceGuy.... I think we envy you sir. I didn't feel that way about my wife as you did. She got pregnant and I felt it was my duty to marry her and I did and for 12 years I'm still here. And if you'd read, I have every intention of being there going forward, as does Sharpender. Our man Football is TBD.
We're trying to be sincere and you and mime are just being hyper critical.
We're trying to be sincere and you and mime are just being hyper critical.
Not reading or someone isn't listening. Which is it?
Let's play a game. Would you kindly answer these questions?
1. Are you living your life honestly and with integrity?
2. Let's assume that there would be no negative consequences to any action you might choose to take.
What would you need to change, if anything, to bring your inner thoughts and outward actions into alignment?
3. As a father, you have a responsibility to support and help raise your children.
Who is the best role model for your child: (i) a man who faithfully, but passively, stays with his wife in a loveless marriage out of duty, (ii) a man who "wakes up" in a loveless marriage and takes action to force change (including the possible dissolution of the marriage), (iii) a man who cheats on his wife but stays in the marriage "for the children" or (iv) you supply the action.
What characteristics does the man in your choice above exhibit that you think make him the best role model?
What principles is he modeling for his children by his behavior?
People seem to be reading only what they want to read.
All 3 of us "crazies" have clearly stated we've had women approach us during our relationships but we have not acted on those. I'm sure we all could have had several mistresses or flings or what have you but that's not what it's about.
FormerNiceGuy.... I think we envy you sir. I didn't feel that way about my wife as you did. She got pregnant and I felt it was my duty to marry her and I did and for 12 years I'm still here. And if you'd read, I have every intention of being there going forward, as does Sharpender. Our man Football is TBD.
We're trying to be sincere and you and mime are just being hyper critical.
Envy? As in .
Maybe you're both envious. Maybe FNG has never been hit on and that's where his anger comes from. As an adult I've never done envy. Just never felt it, not one little bit. I've been inspired to greater things through the achievements of others, but I've never envied others achievements, lifestyles or whatever. Envy is for the little people.
AFEH, I see you forgot to take your medicine again.
There are people at all stages of their development FNG. All stages of their development. What seems crazy and unreal to you, is very sane and real to them.
How was your mocking supposed to help them? Tell us that. What was your “design” in the response you gave, your motivations, why you did what you did? I must have missed something. Did I? Educate me. If you don’t tell, then your intentions were not good, not good at all.
Take your good self in your development. You’ve given yourself the name of FormerNiceGuy.
If you truly knew, if you were at a different stage of development in your own life you would call yourself RecoveringNiceGuy. Because that helps you not to slip back into old habits, old compulsive behaviour.
Much like an alcoholic who truly gets it, understands these things never calls himself FormerAlcoholic. Because he knows for a fact that he is a recovering alcoholic and just one more sip from the font and he’s way back to where he started from. And that's why he names himself as such. RecoveringAlcoholic. Just by the name you have called yourself, I know you don’t know these things.
aliot of judgement in this thread. i like the stages AFEH describes, i can see my self heading the direction of the OP. if a woman i was attracted to showed me some attention right now, i would be extremely vulnerable to her. i will shoulder any blame the judgmental would like to heap upon me, bring it. my wife has checked out and i simply cannot afford to leave the marriage, cant do it and wont do it until my kids are out. dont preach about the kids will be better off BS, they wouldnt be. i have tried talking, manning up, cuddling, rubbing, blah blah blah. didnt work. she basically has tried nothing.
I think you should divorce. Why should you be denied such a wonderful woman. You have done your time with a difficult woman and you should be rewarded. Divorce is not worse than living the rest of your life without this woman especially when you compare her to your wife.
I don't think any rational person would expect you to live miserably when such an idyllic life awaits you. it is too much to ask. But I wonder why you posted here. You Seem to be looking for conflict not advice.
Do you think marriage is a prison is that what you are getting at? Are you saying that leaving an unsatisfactory relationship should carry no penalties? When something better comes along, it is unconscionable that you cannot easily get out of your commitment to your wife and kids, if your have any. if that it? I think you should say just that.
Many people would agree that staying faithful to the same person over the course of time is unrealistic. If you harbor these beliefs, they favor you right now because you want to ditch your wife. But they wont always- suppose this wonderful woman wants to ditch you after getting to know you? What will you think then?
There are some things i think you should consider and fix before you embark on this journey of love and harmony with this incredible woman. You seem to be an oppositional, argumentative, judgmental, supercilious elitist. These are not attractive attributes and may make even a wonderful woman unhappy with you.
If this woman is as wonderful as you say, she can easily attract another man when she gets the full force of you true nature. She may ask the same question you are asking about your wife - why should she stay with such a negative person when there is a better man within reach. That is, if the above describes you. If I am wrong please forgive me. You don't come across as likable.
I am certain there are some characteristics that this wonderful woman finds attractive in you. However, the characteristics you seem to reveal here, are not be among them. If you are what you seem to be here in just a few post, I doubt that you will be able to conceal your true nature from this wonderful woman for long.
How would you feel if your wife met another man? Felt this spark with him and not you. Perhaps she should play the field and test drive another man to see if this would make her life more content. Maybe she should be the one starting an affair with someone new.
Work on your marriage. Get your spark back or create a new one. It's not that difficult. It starts out with a few compliments to your spouse. Stop carrying around your resentments towards her.
If you are not willing to fix your marriage, take the easy road and divorce her before you even speak to this other woman. BTW, you are in the midst of an emotional affair. You already are "cheating" on your wife, emotionally.
There are no excuses that can justify an affair. It would not be your wife's fault, but the fault of your own actions and betrayal towards her.
aliot of judgement in this thread. i like the stages AFEH describes, i can see my self heading the direction of the OP. if a woman i was attracted to showed me some attention right now, i would be extremely vulnerable to her. i will shoulder any blame the judgmental would like to heap upon me, bring it. my wife has checked out and i simply cannot afford to leave the marriage, cant do it and wont do it until my kids are out. dont preach about the kids will be better off BS, they wouldnt be. i have tried talking, manning up, cuddling, rubbing, blah blah blah. didnt work. she basically has tried nothing.
Why wait until a woman comes along. Are you afraid that you will not be able to attract and hold another woman? Be brave, divorce and get out there. I don't think you will have any problems getting attention from woman. You said that children are not better off if you stay.
82Likes
Re: I was not looking... 
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