Gaia

No one's perfect and no offense*** .. but your posts did have an attitude of assumption about your marriage being perfectly fine in your eyes. The reason I had asked because that freak out AAHHH in bold seemed a bit off the wall compared to your other posts........ lol

Now that you posted this... it makes a bit more sense...

(Edited for misspelling)

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Maricha75

It's because she hid it well from you. For most of that time, based on other posts you have made, it seems you took her at her word on everything (as many people do) and just assumed she felt the same as you because she SAID she does. Now, learning all of this about her... how is that going to affect your opinion of her, your marriage, your family? That's what you need to think about now.

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bribrius

Perfect? i've moved out twice. My wife is codependent and insecure to the point it drives me nuts. i dont know why. Then i finally just realize she has been living in this paranoia in her head for the last twelve years trying to meet peoples standards she has in her head. Trying to be someone she isnt. Telling people what they want the hear. In the meantime she has been driving me nuts.
i wouldnt say it was perfect.
i would say we love eachother, are very committed, and we arent getting divorced. we are both apparently happy (least she says she is very happy) other than her on this insecure walking on eggshells whatever abandonment thing and me going nuts from her being clingy.
i would say we both have become stressed out and stressed eachother and ourselves out much more than we probably needed to.
ive wasted three days on this site thinking about it, so that must mean something. I dont see a divorce happening EVER but i obviously dropped the ball somewhere here if she has been thinking this way in her head all this time and i didnt notice. i would say i probably should have caught on sooner wouldnt you say?

Gaia

No.. not necessarily... don't sit there and beat yourself up for not catching it sooner. Many people don't.. and it's good your willing to work on it rather then divorce. Would she agree to go to both marriage counseling and individual for herself?

__________________
"Feelings get you in relationships quickly, and feelings get you out of relationships quickly. Feelings do not fill in the for the sacrifice and dedication needed to make a relationship work. Feelings get themselves hurt." ~Nsweet~
Ignorance is an equal opportunity employer.~DedicatedDad~

Maricha75

And, if she isn't willing to go to a regular marriage counselor, what about talking to a pastor? Bribrius, part of the issue she has been living with these feelings could PARTLY due to what you said in another thread regarding how you met and everything. Back then, she wanted you. Even when you told her the true circumstances, she came back. She wanted to be whatever she could to make you happy. Considering all of what you told us... I can see why she has been acting all these years. I'm not calling you a bad person, I'm just saying I can see why she would be this way now.

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bribrius

Really not much i can do, damage is done now i should have caught it sooner the writing was on the wall i just wasnt looking. She is talking now about it, that should help. Least i would think it would. i will see what she thinks about a pastor. im also going to pull her in closer rather than push her away. i think it is my turn to get clingy i want her close for a while so i can watch her and especially her and how the family is with her. Putting up some guard around her for a while to make sure she is okay. Realizing i was missing this seriously bothers me. i should have been watching out for her i dropped the ball.

bribrius

by the way. i think the pastor idea may not fly. i was raised by a pastor one of my parents is one. i have actually considered retiring as one when im done working, but i need to get my ideological beliefs in line before i make that kind of commitment to a denomination and for any congregations sake. As i was reminded by my mother the other day though "you know there is a real shortage of ministers right now."
Dont matter, im pulling wifey in for a while to MAKE SURE she is okay.

bkaydezz

she is strongly connected to you in every way possible. shes still so in love with you. if you are exhausted from work and think that you are getting to much love? i dont think its possible. so many people cry to have those very needs that you are tryinjg to reject. if it is you that needs you time, talk with her. but dont take the valuable time you have together that you could harnest something else great into and use it out of selfishness to take away from her. she is hot in the relationship and is really great at showing you in everyway she knows how too. you are so fortunate to have that. just be careful what you are wanting to push away because you are personally annoyed with things going on in your life outside of you marriage. you have to seperate them.

mykidsaremyworld

I have been doing the same things as your wife to my husband. I call him when he gets out of work, I meet him at the door, I want sex with him constantly, I feel like he isn't giving me enough attention, but reading your post is like reading it from my husbands point of view, and it makes me realize maybe he is just tired and he wants his space. I have been feeling really down about my husband pulling away from me.

You should show this post to your wife in the most loving way possible, just tell her this is how you really feel and that you love her. Your post really made me realize after so long of me worrying about my husband and trying to care for him and keep his attention that maybe I lost myself in the process and that I depend on him too much for interaction. I stay at home with my babies too, and I depend on my husband for that adult time.

The point is you should let her know that this is how your feeling. It really makes me want to strike out on my own a little and take some pressure off my husband, so I am sure it will help you and your wife too. If she gives you space though you should really try and do something special for her too, even something as simple as picking up flowers on the way home from work, or writing her a little note before you leave in the morning. That would be a great compromise.

bribrius

well here is what im doing so far, some of what you mentioned but i actually did it before i read it.

i have suggested she take a nap while i watch the kids. it worked and she looked like she needed sleep and wasnt feeling well.

i have suggested she go get her hair done or something. i think she is getting her nails done.

i have separated out a "mommy and daddy time" and a stricter bedtime for the kids so she knows she has some time when i get out of work and also before bed just for her (kids permitting).

i have stopped ignoring her texts, and premptively started sending her one telling her i loved her. her texting has slowed down some.

i have left a note telling her i loved her before i went to work in the a.m. (i leave before anyones awake).

i lowered the amount of hours im putting into work.

im preemptively asking her to come to me, instead of trying to get her to leave me alone. she seems much happier.

i told her im taking her birthday off from work for her, and taking a vacation next month to spend time with her. which i am.

i sent her out on errands while i watched the kids. Just told her i really wasnt up to going out and asked her to please go run errands. It also would give her a break from the children. she has. Course today she was asking me to go with her to spend time with me on the errands and i went so not sure what that says.

First thing i did when i got home today from work was ask her to lay on the couch with me for a few minutes. she seemed pretty excited it was my idea. Coursei almost fell to sleep laying there but it is the thought that counts.

i took her away for a overnight at our camp and stayed that following day. i hated driving back in the night but i still made it to work that morning so all is good.

i put pictures of her on my touch phone for a home page and showed it to her. So she knows im carrying around pictures of her too.

i called her on my lunch at work, BEFORE she managed to call me i beat her too it.


im not pushing her away now. im pulling her in and giving her a little more affirmity.

we are talking more now, and im listening more. But one thing i said to her is that im not a really lovey kind of guy but she shouldnt worry if she looks at the big picture i do most of what i do for her. Also that i was always there for her and had been there for her and i wasnt planning on going anywhere. She seemed to think about that for a few minutes and commented that i had always been there and relaxed some. I had actually told her this before, but she seemed to let it sink i this time.

wait and see what happens. But she seems to be calming down so far. She did look up co dependent and dependency on her own i guess. she brought it up to me earlier today. she agrees she is. But doesnt really see anything wrong with it. She actually told me "codependent wives in marriages have a lessened chance of ending their marriage in divorce" so she thinks it is a good thing. Also she said she is dependent on me for EVERYTHING and starting naming things off, physical, emotional, financial, etc. but she just is and she hopes it doesnt bother me too much. It really doesnt i told her she is great like she is then i noticed she left me to myself for a while and she seemed to relax there too.

Bought more ink for the copier and our printer. she wants to print and learn about coupons or something to save money and print pictures and things for a family photo album or something. she had a few going but ran out of ink. i order enough ink to last her a year and bought her another printer so we have three printers and a year of ink. figure that should keep her busy for a while she loves family photos stuff and seems to really want to get into printing coupons for some reason.....


Told her we could find some time to take the boat out. Its just a little offshore one we run around nearby lakes on. We have a boat and canoe, neither have been in the water this year i havent had time to get to it. But she seems to want to take the boat out with me so i have it on my to do list.

Going back to the camp on her birthday, and with her monday, kids too. just taking a day with them. i dont get much sleep with the back and forth driving but they seem to like it up there. Probably be easier to just stay up there a few days but i cant go that far, i do have to work i cant skip out to much.

And met with the family with her for a little get together. i was sure to hold my wifes hand and give her plenty of kisses in front of my mother and sister so they realized she was doing fine, we were fine. Also talked to my mother separatley about litening up on the wife a little. Mother sounded off a little defensively but i basically just said my wife is doing fine, a little positive encouragement from her would be helpful because over the years she had given her a complex.

something the wife said odd today "Our family really depends on your work doesn it?"

im not sure if she was saying it just to remind herself of that or what. But perhaps a realization hit her that i wasnt out just trying to avoid her.

i basically just told her that yes, it does. And you never know what could happen. That eventually we will be a little more financially secure and it wont be as big a concern but right now i really need to still keep myself concentrating on work too for all our sakes.

bkaydezz

you both jsut seem to be very different and you are doing a great job at compromising and affirmity like you said. i think that you guys have a very promising relationship together!!!! its the little things we all want to take for granted. but i will say this, when me and my boyfriend sit on the couch together he usually falls asleep. i think its cute. it takes a few seconds most times, but hes a very hard working man and i understand that so you have to give the credit where credit is due. he told me that is something we both need to work on as far as understanding each others day. i am here most of the day with our daughter and he is at work and then igo to work. but it is true! im proud of you both. you are already succeeding in your path together!

*LittleDeer*

That is awesome.
I'm with your wife on the co dependency thing, I actually think we are supposed to be co dependent and when both parties treat each other well, it makes for a great marriage.

bribrius

im just going to pull her in for a while. Try to make her a little more at ease. See if it works.
we are both very conservative religous. we arent that different in that sense. But im very work/business goal oriented with the upbringing that im suppose to support the family and make sure everyone has what they need and is okay.

she is more the caring, lovy, just wants to be a wife/mom and a entire different outlook on pretty much everything. she sees the happy bright side of life and the love. im on the other side of life in many ways in more of a drudgery, responsible, worried side. She is into butterflys, im more around snakes. She sees the positive in everything and everybody and the beauty. i see the risks and liability and work involved or usefulness of something.
we have always been this way. In a odd way, we balance. she used to actually lighten up my mood until she became a little overzealous with the neediness. some of the things i liked about her is she was devoted totally to me, loved me and would brighten up my day.

but now that i know that she hasnt been okay, she is obviously coming to the forefront on where my efforts are going to be going. And in the process maybe she might see that and calm down some on the insecurity, maybe.

2nd_t!me iz_best

too bad some dont look at the big picture. :/

missymrs80

I bet she senses you pulling away a bit. There is also a dominant persuer if you will in a marriage. The more you want space the closer she wants to be the closer she wants to be the more you want space. I would guess (I could be wrong) her fear is abandonment and yours is being smothered....these fears stem from our primary caregivers. For example, a child of controlling or anxious type of caregivers usually ends up as the distancer and a child of caregivers who were away or unavailable for whatever reason typically end up as the pursuer type. Complimentary traits....you wouldn't be married if you didn't have them. Unless your marriage was arranged that is.