bribrius

i thought with three kids my wife would slow down but she hasnt, but only wanted more sex. i love sex, dont get me wrong, but im happy with three or four times a week. i work, have other things going. im very tired.

Despite the children my wife likes sex daily, more than once a day at times. she wakes me up for it knowing i have to go to work in the morning. She wants to have quickies during the day while the children are playing upstairs or even just in the other room. It is like she is dying for attention, ALWAYS. Right when i see her she climbs in my lap like she is one of the kids, or on my lap if you know what i mean in another way. Dont get me wrong, i love it that she is affectionate, but she is almost glued to me. i get a couple phone calls while im at work, text messages, and when i get home she is waiting by the door. Soon as we have five minutes alone she wants sex. please dont take this the wrong way im not totally upset over it. Ten years i have become somewhat used to it, but not totally used to it. There are times i just dont want cuddles, kisses, to lay with her or sex. But she always wants it.

im not sure what to do. She is a good mother, good wife in most ways. i just need some space. After the kids, work, and just life stresses i dont have this much left in me to give her in the way of sex or the attention she seems to require. She stays home with the children all day, and says she needs adult time because she is with kids all day. i understand that but the constant touching, loviness isnt always great. sometimes, i just need a break and to be left alone. i feel it zaps the energy i have left at the end of the day and i dont have enough to give the kids the time and energy they deserve.

She has also put flowers, balloons, etc in my cars, romantic type things. But now that im older i hate to say it, but ive kind of had enough. A simple i love you once a day and maybe some cuddle a couple times a week, sex a few times a week is enough for me. But my wife seems to want CONSTANT attention.

It is almost like she has no identity anymore except what she seems to find through me. i dont know what to do. i dont want to be mean about it. i ask her to sometimes just give me a little time to myself, but then she kind of sulks. We have been married and together for quite a few years now. i met her when we were younger and she was only eighteen and i was twenty three. i kind of thought she would have grown out of it but she never did and now its getting tiring. Especially since we have children, other responsibilitys now it isnt like when we were young and all we had to do was spend time together. we have other things going on now. But she is a good mother, very attentive. Almost, dare i say it, too attentive in all aspects. i love her, i dont want to sound mean, but i really need some time, and more space. i have no energy left physically or emotionally i feel like she is draining me. She even kind of sulks when im at work, wants me to leave early or not go in. I really just dont know what to do with her. She has some friends (with kids they have play dates) but not alot. Family she can spend time with. It isn't like she has no one else. i just dont know how to appease her. She will be calling my cellphone not even five minutes after i leave work, everyday. i just dont know what to do with her. This was all fine, cute for the first years, but overtime it the cuteness has worn off. i just want a break. To re-energize or something.

Mavash.

I used to be like your wife. I feel sorry for her. It's a miserable way to live having your entire identity and happiness tied up in your husband.

My sincere advice to you is to nip this in the bud. Neediness isn't attractive and if you don't do something about it in the form of healthy boundaries you will begin to resent her and will avoid her.

You need to learn to lovingly say the word "no" as if you were speaking to a child clamoring for a candy bar in the checkout line. She needs to learn the lesson of self control and personal space. You start small and work your way up reassuring her the entire time. Baby steps. Kwim?

Po12345

Wow, your wife is a lot more like I am and you are more like my wife, except I have more than anything been like this the past year or so, except the sex part (we probably average 2 to 3 times a week).

With respect to the sex, is your wife able to be intimate without having sex? That is one of my major issues. I didn't realize it and then by trying to fix it I lost my identity in the last year due to our marriage problems and my misunderstanding what it is that my wife needs. I believed I was supposed to make her the center of my emotional world, I guess that goes to show you shouldn't believe what you see in the movies.

If your wife is like me, when you try and take time to yourself she likely sees it as you distancing yourself from her, which she may see as a problem that needs fixing, causing her to be even more clingy, more phone calls, more text messages, rather than just understanding you just want to do your own thing and it has nothing to do with her.

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betrayed32

bribrius, the first thing i thought of when reading this is if you have ever done anything behind your wife's back that she found out about or broken her trust in any way? my husband recently completely broke my trust and since then i have literally become obsessed with having sex with him, wanting him to touch me all the time, cuddle me, look at me, smile at me. Any kind of attention i can get from him. it's all i can think about. I think because i feel so insecure now after what he did. It wasn't cheating or anything (at least not in the typical sense of the word), but i found out he was doing things behind my back of a sexual nature that he knew would devastate me but did it anyway. so now i feel like i need constant validation that he still "wants" me. not sure if this could be the case with you and your wife?

Mavash.

Read up on fear of abandonment and see if the description fits. There might be tips on how to reassure someone with that problem. I sought therapy for my abandonment issues.

sisters359

This is not normal or healthy behavior, both b/c she seems to have no inner emotional resources and b/c it is putting all of her eggs in one basket, you. Does your wife have any history of sexual abuse? That, in addition to the abandoment fear already mentioned, would be worth investigating with her.

It is time for you to set boundaries and to insist that both of you explore separate areas of interest/fulfillment. She needs therapy first, though, so that she simply does not look to replace your attention with that of someone else.

Encurage her to take up a hobby and get counseling focused on why she is so emotionally needy. She might become too obsessive about a hobby if she does the one without the other. If she likes to feel valued, volunteer work might be worth investigating. Let her take some of that nervous energy to a good cause.

Good luck.

moxy

She needs hobbies and projects that are her own and not about you. Too much of her happiness is tied up in the connection she shares with you and she's becoming very dependent upon you. It's not fair to you. Also, her addiction to you is going to leave her unfulfilled. You can't be her everything and she needs to self-regulate her happiness. I wonder if she even realizes that this is an option.

Have you talked to her about it, more directly than just saying you need some private time? Any chance you can convince her to join a social club of some sort to help get her motivated in the right direction? Sometimes, people think that they are expected to give all their time and attention to their partners, not realizing that a little more time apart is better for both and actually that both will benefit from a bit more individuality.

I think you need to be gentle but candid with her when you have a talk with her about this so that she doesn't feel rejected, but sees it as something that will benefit the both of you. Doing this harshly or manipulatively will damage your relationship, but being more honest and open, doing it with kindness will help make your relationship stronger. Think of it as an exercise in balance that you both have to work out together. You could explain it kindly with analogies, maybe -- a little bit of sugar is delightful, but an entire diet of sugar alone can be overwhelming to the palate; while you're lucky enough to have a candy shop worth of sugar, you want to be able to savor the candy that you get and you can't do that if you don't have the space you need to crave it.

I agree with the folks above who have suggested that it might be useful to read up a little on abandonment issues. Maybe even the Love Languages? It could be that simple.

__________________
"He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

"“We first crush people to the earth, & then claim the right of trampling on them forever, because they are prostrate." -Lydia Maria Child.

chillymorn

buy her some flowers and print this out and let her reed it.

after words have a compasionate talk about your need for some space. reasure her that you love her and all but you just need x amount of personal space.

then take her in the bedroom and make love. end it on a high note.

bribrius

in my mind no, in her mind yes. we have separated twice before. The first was when we were boyfriend and girlfriend YEARS ago for four months. i had another girlfriend for a month of that time. She has insisted then, and since that that was cheating on her. She actually started a website slamming me over it during the time and ended up with a restraining order on her from the new girlfriend i had been dating for threatening her. i agree me being with someone is a issue because, well me and my wife went back together and ended up married. So in that since i guess i strayed. But in my mind, we werent together during that period. The only other time we separated was for another three months, after we were married. Basically i just was suffering burnout, moved out. i didnt divorce her. didnt cheat on her, i wouldnt. i just needed space to recouperate. She still came to visit me with and without the kids and tried to entice me through sex to spend time with her. Even though i told her i needed a break i was going to have a nervouse breakdown if she didnt give me some space.

i am now, and yeah. it looks real, REAL familiar. I have no intention of divorcing my wife though. i love her. i wish she would understand this. i have basically taken care of her in one way or the other since she was eighteen and her father died. Even when we separated i still made sure she lived in the house and the bills were paid. Made sure she had a car. I have done this with her since she was eighteen mostly because i got her pregnant when she was eighteen so made sure the child and mother had a roof over there heads even if i was broke trying to do it.

Tried counseling, she only went to one session. she doesnt think anything is wrong with her and that she should love her husband. Tried to get her into art, bought her art supplies, easel, get her painting. Anything. other attempts too. All were short lived. she does to volunteer work but seems to do it while at im work so no break there for me. She went to college for a couple years, i thought she would get a career, something. But she quit work and said she just wants to be a wife and mother. She worked about two years and just stopped going. Her mother said she was sexually abused by a uncle when she was three or four or something. wife denies it and says she dont remember, doesnt know what her mother is talking about.

i think it is abandoment issues, or something. Maybe her father dying when she was young. i dont know honestly. i have NO INTENTION of leaving her. i just cant let myself crash over this again i have kids to worry about as well. Something else weird, when she doesnt get attention she does things like run up a credit card, start problems with someone, something, almost like she is doing it to get attention. She enjoys sex, but i dont think the sex thing is what she is really seeking. But uses it to be guaranteed some type of attention at that moment.
I appreciate all the responses, im looking up abandonment now and it does sound alot like it. She is also on anti depression med of some kind. Dont know if that is a factor but she started them after the second baby is born and is on them again since the third child. She really has no reason to be insecure, i dont have any intention of leaving her, never cheated on her far as i can tell, pretty much always been there for her even when we werent together i was still there. She is also a great wife. i thought it was fine she was like this when she was younger. i figured i never had to worry about her cheating. A friend of mine referred to her as my "puppydog" following me around so i am nolonger friends with him. But what he said kind of stuck in my mind. It is weird, and i cant take it. She is a very beautiful woman, intelligent, she gained a little weight from having the children but i still get complimented on her being very pretty. She really just shouldnt be insecure, AT ALL , if that is what this is. And like i said, she has been like this probably for most of the time i have known her, it may have alot to do with her father dying way back then. And her being pregnant her mother basically gave her to me to take care of. Maybe it is the beginning that was screwed up, and i just never fixed it in time. i really just dont know but its been going on for over a decade. She has never had another boyfriend even. Nothing. Never been out of state except with me. Never lived or been on her own where she had to pay her own bills and do for herself. i tried to get her to when we separated and were just boyfriend and girlfriend but she basically just cried and i stepped in again to pay the bills (going without myself in the process) and make sure her and our child then was okay.
i probably should have posted this problem a decade ago, instead of now. But then it was sort of cute. Now, its just not. i cant take it.

bribrius

she has been diagnosed with mild depression (as noted above the depression pills after having the children) and anxiety disorder. Not exactly sure what anxiety order actually means but i think it has do with how she handles things, or rather she gets anxiety easy and cant take on alot.
But she does amazing with the children, which stress me out from time to time but she does great with them. And she just turned 31. if any of that is a help.

Mavash.

I've been diagnosed with ptsd/depression and anxiety. I am one with abandonment issues. Anxiety means there are limits to what I can handle. I get easily overstimulated, overwhelmed and easily triggered. I learned all this when I turned 33. That when I sought help.

bribrius

sounds like she is alot like you. So baby steps, slowly, reassure her as you said in your other post. Right?
so my mistake is, i have been letting it go until im about to crash or be burned out, and i should probably be taking these baby steps with her instead of letting her suck the energy out of me until its too late.
so she will come out of this? i dont need her to be perfect, i love her anyway. i just need her to come out of this AT LEAST a little for my own sanity.
since i started typing on this thread she has read the first post i made, asked if anyone responded (i could tell she was hoping no one did), asked about what ive been typing three times since. Asked me to put the laptop away. But has not given any actual response to what im typing that she did read. What do you make of that?
she just kind of blocked it out, like in some sort of denial or maybe she doesnt know what to do but asked me to put away the laptop since she knows this thread is about her clingyness.
im hoping she reads the entire thing, gets mad, anything that might help her realize how she is. Get her to take a step back and look. Maybe not be so insecure.

Mavash.

She doesn't want to face the truth about herself. Its too painful.

Will she come out of this? Unlikely not without professional help.

Your mistake was yes letting resentment build and you've enabled her behavior. You've said yes when what you really wanted to do was say no. In the future you should not agree to things you don't want to do.

This isn't your problem to FIX but it is up to you to set boundaries.

And while you're at it lock up the credit cards and make sure she can't spend money online.

moxy

Anxiety and abandonment issues are not pleasant. Even if one doesn't acknowledge them, they do create problems by lingering under the surface.

I don't think you should separate or divorce (nothing indicates that it would be necessary, but it does sound like things have escalated to an unhealthy level and that it's really getting to you. It sounds like she needs some counseling but isn't willing to go it alone. Can you guys try going to counseling together for a while, see if that helps her. Maybe if she starts thinking of independence as a way to make her relationship with yo better, she will be less afraid or reluctant to try being more independent. This is a tough situation, but I don't think it should go ignored. It sounds like you love her, want to help her, and do not want to enable her codependent behavior. If not marriage counseling where you guys can try to work this stuff out, why not try CODA (Codependents Anonymous)? It's a group thing and might help her a bit and also you. Have you guys tried stuff like that?

__________________
"He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

"“We first crush people to the earth, & then claim the right of trampling on them forever, because they are prostrate." -Lydia Maria Child.

bribrius

no we havent tried that. we tried marriage counseling. first session she saw the counselor, then i had a session with the counselor (counselor wanted to meet us separately first). After that i went back, and she refused to go again. so she only went to the intitial session. Thats it. so there wasnt any point in me continuing to go. The counselor actually suggested i divorce her, partly because she refused to come back. counselor said it was my choice of what i do of course, but that he suggested i totally keep divorce on the table. Which made me upset of course. im not going to divorce my wife over not going to counseling sessions. She just insisted there is no reason to go, nothing wrong with her, that she is supposed to love her husband. And how was i going to argue with that? i didnt know what to say to her. Because she never went past the inititial session, we never even sat in front of the counselor together as a couple. codependent group session might be a very good idea. wonder if my health insurance will cover it they covered the marital counseling so they might. Appreciate t6he insight everyone. you have already helped me alot. i now am leaning toward abandonment fear as a cause, least i know that much.
i should probably get off the laptop now as i was just accused of putting the laptop over giving family time. Basically her passive aggressive way of trying to get my attention back on her, and to get me off this thread.