I used to be a very goal oriented person. I would set a goal for myself such as being debt free, or achieving a target weight, and then I would work my tail off to achieve it. When I eventually reached the goal it was a huge rush. Achieving something is always fun.
However, things do not always go according to plan.
Sometimes I would set a goal for myself that was more difficult than I had anticipated. In the beginning I would work really hard and have high expectations. As time went by, and my progress was not as strong as I wanted it to be, I would start to lose heart. I would become very frustrated when I encountered unexpected road blocks. I would become impatient and start looking for short cuts. Sometimes I would lose my temper and go off on someone that I felt was impeding me. I was still committed to the goal, but I was not enjoying the process.
The problem with goals is that they can cause you to delay your own happiness to an unknown future date.
This does not have to be the case. You do not have to wait for the final buzzer in order to feel good about a goal. With the right attitude, you can learn to enjoy the process of working toward a goal just as much as the idea of completing it.
Suppose your goal is to be debt free. To achieve this goal you establish good habits. You start living within your means and putting as much money as you can against the debt each month.
Over time the debt gets smaller and smaller and you get a dose of personal satisfaction each time that balance drops. You have an end state that you want to achieve, but you are not forcing yourself to wait for the final payment before feeling good. You allow yourself to feel good with each small victory along the way.
Now take that same thought and apply it to your marriage.We all have an idea of what we would like our marriage to be.
Perhaps you want to have a better connection with your spouse. Perhaps you would like to have more affection and sex in your marriage. It is not hard to imagine what the perfect marriage would be like. If you are reading this, then odds are that you are not in that state right now.
You can set yourself a goal to achieve the happy marriage of your dreams. Like any other goal, you will probably start off toward it with a lot on enthusiasm. But what happens when you start hitting road blocks and unexpected problems? If you are focused too much on the end state, then you will become frustrated. You will start looking for short cuts. You will start blaming your spouse for not cooperating with the plan. You might even lose heart and decide that the goal can never be reached.
You need to recognize that all of the frustration, impatience and anger resulted from one thing. You put too much emphasis on the goal, and not enough on the process.
So what does it mean to enjoy the process? Does it mean that I stop caring about the end state and just be happy no matter what happens? No, it just means that you learn to find joy in all of the small victories that happen along the way to achieving your goal.
Suppose that you are currently in a sexless marriage. Your goal is make sex a regular part of your marriage again. It might take a while to turn that situation around. Marriages do not just fall into a sexless state overnight and they cannot come out of that state overnight either. If you insist that your marriage cannot be happy until sex is happening 3 times a week, then you are going to be frustrated as time goes by without the goal being achieved.
On the other hand, if you look for small victories to celebrate, then the process will be much more enjoyable. If your wife agrees to go on a date with you, enjoy the thrill of that victory. If you kiss your wife and she kisses you back with passion; that is a victory! If she agrees to have sex with you for the first time in months, that is a huge victory. Celebrate it!
There are no quick fix solutions. Anyone who claims to be able to turn your sexless marriage around overnight is deluding you. If your wife refuses to have sex with you, then you have a lot of work to do. The process will be so much easier, and enjoyable, if you approach it with the right attitude.
It is a process of personal growth. You need to give yourself credit for the fact that you are becoming a better man with each passing day, even if the end state still seems a long way off.
Relationships grow just like people do. Each time that a particular situation resolves itself without as much pain and anger as it used to, that is a victory to be celebrated.
I am sure that you have seen many articles about the habits of successful people. I will give you just one today. Make a habit of giving yourself credit for every small accomplishment in your life. Celebrate every dollar that comes off of your debts.
Celebrate every pound that you lose. Celebrate every happy moment with your spouse.
Even if a particular situation did not play out the way you wanted, learn to recognize what you did right, or better than before. That small bit of self-recognition will make it easier to perform the other half of the task, which is to recognize what you could have done better. This is what personal growth is all about. How have I improved, and how can I continue to improve?
A person who has this mentality ALWAYS achieves their goals eventually. In fact, you may get so caught up in enjoying the process of growth, that you don’t even notice when you blow through your original goal and keep right on going.
RDJ,
This is a great mindset - wholly agree with it.
I also believe that what is missing in these situations, is that the person trying to get the response - lacks an understanding of how to define and understand incremental progress. I like the progression you have defined below.
It is however very important to recognize that you have to find non-sexual things (they could be physical things - but non sexual ones) that you ask your partner to do for you doing this time frame.
And I do NOT mean laundry, cleaning house. That is something those partners would do regardless. I mean specific things they do for YOU - they would not do for a non-spouse.
If you don't ask for those things, and then assess the level of effort your partner is making over time, you are simply "feeding the cat".
Dog theology:
"You pet me, You feed me, You shelter me, and You love me. You must be God."
Cat theology:
"you pet Me, you feed Me, you shelter Me, and you love Me. I must be God."
Quote:
Originally Posted by RDJ
I used to be a very goal oriented person. I would set a goal for myself such as being debt free, or achieving a target weight, and then I would work my tail off to achieve it. When I eventually reached the goal it was a huge rush. Achieving something is always fun.
However, things do not always go according to plan.
Sometimes I would set a goal for myself that was more difficult than I had anticipated. In the beginning I would work really hard and have high expectations. As time went by, and my progress was not as strong as I wanted it to be, I would start to lose heart. I would become very frustrated when I encountered unexpected road blocks. I would become impatient and start looking for short cuts. Sometimes I would lose my temper and go off on someone that I felt was impeding me. I was still committed to the goal, but I was not enjoying the process.
The problem with goals is that they can cause you to delay your own happiness to an unknown future date.
This does not have to be the case. You do not have to wait for the final buzzer in order to feel good about a goal. With the right attitude, you can learn to enjoy the process of working toward a goal just as much as the idea of completing it.
Suppose your goal is to be debt free. To achieve this goal you establish good habits. You start living within your means and putting as much money as you can against the debt each month.
Over time the debt gets smaller and smaller and you get a dose of personal satisfaction each time that balance drops. You have an end state that you want to achieve, but you are not forcing yourself to wait for the final payment before feeling good. You allow yourself to feel good with each small victory along the way.
Now take that same thought and apply it to your marriage.We all have an idea of what we would like our marriage to be.
Perhaps you want to have a better connection with your spouse. Perhaps you would like to have more affection and sex in your marriage. It is not hard to imagine what the perfect marriage would be like. If you are reading this, then odds are that you are not in that state right now.
You can set yourself a goal to achieve the happy marriage of your dreams. Like any other goal, you will probably start off toward it with a lot on enthusiasm. But what happens when you start hitting road blocks and unexpected problems? If you are focused too much on the end state, then you will become frustrated. You will start looking for short cuts. You will start blaming your spouse for not cooperating with the plan. You might even lose heart and decide that the goal can never be reached.
You need to recognize that all of the frustration, impatience and anger resulted from one thing. You put too much emphasis on the goal, and not enough on the process.
So what does it mean to enjoy the process? Does it mean that I stop caring about the end state and just be happy no matter what happens? No, it just means that you learn to find joy in all of the small victories that happen along the way to achieving your goal.
Suppose that you are currently in a sexless marriage. Your goal is make sex a regular part of your marriage again. It might take a while to turn that situation around. Marriages do not just fall into a sexless state overnight and they cannot come out of that state overnight either. If you insist that your marriage cannot be happy until sex is happening 3 times a week, then you are going to be frustrated as time goes by without the goal being achieved.
On the other hand, if you look for small victories to celebrate, then the process will be much more enjoyable. If your wife agrees to go on a date with you, enjoy the thrill of that victory. If you kiss your wife and she kisses you back with passion; that is a victory! If she agrees to have sex with you for the first time in months, that is a huge victory. Celebrate it!
There are no quick fix solutions. Anyone who claims to be able to turn your sexless marriage around overnight is deluding you. If your wife refuses to have sex with you, then you have a lot of work to do. The process will be so much easier, and enjoyable, if you approach it with the right attitude.
It is a process of personal growth. You need to give yourself credit for the fact that you are becoming a better man with each passing day, even if the end state still seems a long way off.
Relationships grow just like people do. Each time that a particular situation resolves itself without as much pain and anger as it used to, that is a victory to be celebrated.
I am sure that you have seen many articles about the habits of successful people. I will give you just one today. Make a habit of giving yourself credit for every small accomplishment in your life. Celebrate every dollar that comes off of your debts.
Celebrate every pound that you lose. Celebrate every happy moment with your spouse.
Even if a particular situation did not play out the way you wanted, learn to recognize what you did right, or better than before. That small bit of self-recognition will make it easier to perform the other half of the task, which is to recognize what you could have done better. This is what personal growth is all about. How have I improved, and how can I continue to improve?
A person who has this mentality ALWAYS achieves their goals eventually. In fact, you may get so caught up in enjoying the process of growth, that you don’t even notice when you blow through your original goal and keep right on going.
RDJ, thank you. This thread title caught my eye and was definitely something I needed to see. I haven't read your post yet, but already know it's good. Will read later once I get a second, but the title was/is perfect for my current situation.
Focus on your partners negative and get the same in return!
Does not get much better than this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by FormerNiceGuy
You can't control the wife.
You can control you.
She is not responding. Accept it and quit trying.
You can live for a little while without sex and intimacy from your wife.
Focus on yourself. Improve yourself. Take up a hobby, get a promotion, start a business and don't care what the wife thinks about it. Do it for you.
Detach the emotional hose from your wife. Put your passion into something that gives you a return.
Be in the moment.
Take these steps not to punish your wife, but to improve yourself.
You need to find yourself in a place where you love your wife AND know that you can live without her. This is the paradox of lasting love.
She will either respond or not.
Either way, you will be OK.
P.S. You don't need to understand anything about your wife or your relationship. Don't overthink - act in a congruent and authentic manner and you will do fine.
5Likes
Enjoy the process, not the goal. 
