Would love to get some feedback so I don't think I am going insane..
8 weeks ago I found some inappropriate text messages on my wifes phone by accident. I was really mad, told her she needs to stop texting this dude, he only wants to get into your pants, and she promised me she would stop.
Over the course of several weeks, there was lots of sneaky texting going on. Passwords appeared on everything where there were none before..She paid great attention to her looks and clothes every time she went to the gym (where she met this guy). I suspected, but trusted her as I always have the last 12 years that she was keeping her word.
Last week I went into her office and there was another text from this same man. I freaked out, packed my bags and left for 2 days to stay at a hotel. (maybe a mistake on my part in retrospect..).
When I came back, she left for 2 days and then refused to sleep in the same bed. She said I scared the crap out of her by leaving in anger. (I did tell her where I was spending the night and needed a few days to cool off).
I wrote her a letter asking her to end this EA once and for all. I pleaded and told her how much I loved her. And I told her I felt betrayed and my trust in her was shattered. I have no reason to suspect a FA, but EA it certainly was and going to a bad place..
Two days later, low a behold, she droppped a total bombshell on me and asked to separate. Said I was being controlling, and brought up a 8 page complaint list of items in our marriage (some legit, others way off base..) from the last few years. I again pleaded with her not to go, as most separations end in divorce. She insists she needs her "space" and has no intention of divorce..
The way I see it, the timining of the separation request could not be more coincidental..clearly she values the EA with this person more than our marriage. I think she is delusional right now and not thinking clearly...I was blindsided and blown away. My world was shattered for two days. I felt a part of me had died.
Looking for answers, I came across this board..I read about the 180 and started to practice it, as I was getting nowhere with pleading and professing my love... It was one of the hardest things in my life to do, but I did it. I told her today maybe she was right, maybe we do need to separate as she is not comming clean on what happened, nor ending the EA, nor willing to sit with a MC. I could see she was shaking tonight not knowing what to do.
She packed the pets up tonight and cried as she walked out the door (to stay at a friends house). It pained me to see her go. I so wanted to hug her and tell her to stay..but I told her this is what you wanted, space. Be careful what you wish for. Call me if you need any help. She asked if I was changing the locks. I told her I was here to help her in any way if she was willing to come clean and work on reconciliation and the issues she brought up.
And there walked the most precious person in my life for 12 years out the door..
I am now alone and feel terrible. I hope this works. Yes, I do deserve better, but I also love her dearly. I truly think she is having a momentary lapse of insanity and making a cascading set of bad decisions, one after the other.
I pray she comes to her senses..and comes back..but if not I am willing to move on and not be anyones doormat..
The woman you were with for 12 years is not the woman you are currently dealing with. Your current wife has been replaced with a liar, a cheater, who is selfish, and who has NO regard for your feelings.
Your marriage as you know it is dead. The woman you thought you knew is gone.
The old woman you knew might come back, or might never come back. You have no control over that. You can only control your boundaries and what is acceptable to you.
Should you eventually end up reconciling, which needs to be on your terms, your old marriage is dead and a new one will need to take it's place.
She left so she can carry on with this guy without you being in the way.
You can't nice her out of her affair. The way that sometimes works is to show her you are not willing to be her doormat or her plan B, and are confident about moving on with your life.
Keep up your 180, go dark on her, don't cave, see an attorney to know what your options are.
Expose the affair to everyone. Her friends, her family, the OM's family, his wife or girlfriend if he has one, at the same time as much as possible.Do not warn her you are going to do this.
Do not accept ANY responsibility for the affair. She is trying to shift the blame to you to justify her selfish actions. She is rewriting the marital history to keep from feeling the guilt she so richly deserves to feel. She owns the responsibility 100%.
Were it me, I'd file for Divorce, change the locks, pack her stuff up, and stick it in a storage unit, give her the key, pay the first month, and tell her where her stuff is.
__________________
It is my nature to be your best friend. I am kind, gentle, and loving. But know this:
When it comes to matters of protecting my friends, my family, and my heart, do not trifle with me, for I will be the most powerful and relentless creature you will have ever known.
I do recall that the 180 seemed to be having a remarkable immediate affect..as had also told her I was going camping/fishing without her for a few days, and she seemed shocked and saddended that she was not invited. Further, I split our finances that day. I will no longer be blamed for any financial issues when the entire burden was on me to pay for everything. So a lot of new stuff hit her in just a few days. No more joint accounts. We now split every joint expense 50/50 and each is free to do whatever they wish with whatever is left after that.
Should have done it years ago as it was always a point of resentment whenever funds were short. No more. I put my foot down and said you are now free to make as much or as little money as you wish every month as long as you cover your portion of the joint expenses we share.
I plan to get back into shape quickly and purchase a mountain bike today to get back into riding, two things which i have neglected for years and were valid complaints.
I think you should take a step back from this situation and view it with a cold stance, Could there be any truth in any of the things she's found fault with. If so what can you do to change those things, if they can be changed !!!
Often times when one spouse leaves or pushes for a seperation or talks about needing space, it is typically so they can pursue their other relationship unfettered to see if it can go the distance. The unfaithful spouse usually keeps the faithful spouse in the background as "Plan B" if the fantasy doesn't work long term.
I'm a bit skeptical about this being on an EA though. If the two of you do decide to work on your marriage down the road, I think one of your conditions should be that she takes a polygraph so you can find out how far this went and if she has ever done anything like this before.
This wasn't a "a momentary lapse of insanity" on her part. It was a well thought out relationship. One that she went out of her way to hide and lie about to your face. Even when you gave her the chance to fix things, she continued to carry on with it.
You need to be strong and keep going down the road you have in front of you. Do NOT offer to help her. She needs to experience what life will be without you in it.
Been married 12 years and never had any reason to ever doubt her, ever. I have done that, and yes, she had some valid points (too many hours at work, not having many outside interests), but none that would rise to the level of "separation".
No matter what happens I am committed to changing those things mentioned as some had to happen anyways.
Love makes you do crazy things, as much as I hate to say it. While i dont think anything has gone physical yet, we are clearly in the danger zone when she walks out and takes the pets!
Were it me, I'd file for Divorce, change the locks, pack her stuff up, and stick it in a storage unit, give her the key, pay the first month, and tell her where her stuff is.
I do recall that the 180 seemed to be having a remarkable immediate affect..as had also told her I was going camping/fishing without her for a few days, and she seemed shocked and saddended that she was not invited. Further, I spit our finances that day. I will no longer be blamed for any financial issues when the entire burden was on me to pay for everything. So a lot of new stuff hit her in just a few days. No more joint accounts.we split every joint expense 50/50 and each is free to do whatever they wish with whatever is left after that.
Should have done it years ago as it was always a point of resentment whenever funds were short. No more. I put my foot down and said you are now free to make as much or as little money as you wish every month as long as you cover your portion of the joint expenses we share.
I plan to get back into shape quickly and purchase a mountain bike today to get back into riding, two things which i have neglected for years and were valid complaints.
I think this is the next step for me. Good lad. Posted via Mobile Device
The thing that makes me think she is not thinking rationally is that she took the dog and cat? Granted, she cared for them, and I can't say I ever did, but this seems like another power play. No only will I move out and withold contact but so will our pets! Little does she know and I am so happy not to have to take care of them!
I talked to her Mother today and sure enough..she had been selling her the same bull, how she needs space, this is not a divorce, she can only take so much financial hardship (try getting a job, which I have begged her to do for years....)
At some point she has to accept responsibility for her actions, and I will not excuse them any longer, or let them slide as I did in the past, only to be the "bad" guy every time something goes wrong..
My heart feels ripped to shreds, and I mourn what may be the failure of our 12 year marriage, but there are plenty of fish in the sea at my age (44). And many of women that would appreciate someone faithful and devoted to a relationship.
__________________
It is my nature to be your best friend. I am kind, gentle, and loving. But know this:
When it comes to matters of protecting my friends, my family, and my heart, do not trifle with me, for I will be the most powerful and relentless creature you will have ever known.
I'm right there with you man, my wife refuses to stop contact with this guy on Facebook, she had an EA with him and met up with him while 1000 miles away visiting family (no sex but lied to me about it), and she has removed all of my friends/family and blocked them, and now I see at least 3 of his friends are her friends, I HATE Facebook, I hate what it has done to our marriage.
I am going to give you the advice that everyone is giving me. You HAVE to start getting back into yourself, you have to be strong, download "No More Mr Nice Guy" and read it, or buy the book from a bookstore, either way, it is the best way to manage the 180 and to realize that you can be okay without her.
Every day is a battle for me, I found out a year ago, had horrible advice from a bad counselor, and foolishly put my wife on a pedestal and made her my emotional center. Now a year later it made things FAR worse, I have nothing left to hold onto so I find myself clinging/needy to her, and I hate myself for it.
I know it will get better, but I can't continue to think that I will be fine "If the marriage works", I need to be fine regardless of whether I'm with her or not, that's what you need to work on too.
Every day is a battle for me, I found out a year ago, had horrible advice from a bad counselor, and foolishly put my wife on a pedestal and made her my emotional center. Now a year later it made things FAR worse, I have nothing left to hold onto so I find myself clinging/needy to her, and I hate myself for it.
Brutal post to read. Sorry you're going through this. The Nice Guy book is a good start. You might want to read Codependent No More. It helped me to understand some of what you described above.
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She just walked out...what would you do? 
