As the topic suggests, I'm currently in a marital relationship with an overly controlling woman that I am fairly certain has undiagnosed BPD/NPD. This, as you can imagine, is putting an incredible strain on not only our relationship but also the quality of our lives in general.
I personally feel like I've become so much less than what I should be. I don't feel like a person any more, much less an equal in our relationship. I have no authority over my own life or our life together, and any attempt I make at wading through these issues, no matter how delicately I try, end in disaster. If anyone has experienced a BPD/NPD wife, they know exactly what I'm talking about. There is no way to broach the subject of your own feelings of complete and utter domination without invoking the wrath of this woman that inevitably materializes any time she feels that her control is being threatened; this is common procedure for this type of person.
I have no friends left, as I've been forced to choose between them and her one by one until they're all gone. That isn't enough, though. She's set to work on my family as well, and she's bound and determined to see me cut them entirely from my life, and until I finally relent to this, there will be no end to the proverbial ****storm that ensues any time she's forced to accept the fact that I do, indeed, have a family that I was born into. I'm not allowed to call my mother any more to check up on her because that makes me "dependent" and "spineless" and causes more issues that always end in a fight where I'm forced to choose between her and someone else, because I'm such a mean, evil person.
And she's right. I am spineless. I have no way to stand up to her for fear of everything in my life completely falling apart because I had the audacity to make friends with someone, or make a decision on my own. Every minute issue has to be blown into epic proportions if it involves any perceived threat to her dominance of our lives, and anything out of her emotional lockstep inevitably ends with threats of divorce and her being a professional victim while I magically transform into the horrible person she likes to paint me as when it's convenient for her. I find it's gotten to the point where I've nearly given up hope for any sort of respect or equality. I don't really open my mouth any more because whatever is going to happen when I do, even if only for casual conversation, will generally end up with me regretting whatever I said. I can't speak without being snapped at (I love being told to shut the **** up in public, like at the grocery store, and treated like a two year old wherever I go), I'm not allowed to have a negative opinion about the way she speaks to me (this makes me the bad guy), I can't have friends or family (or I'm dependent on other people/she isn't fully in control), I can't talk to people on the internet (if she knew I was posting this I'd honestly fear for my physical well-being), I am not allowed to make decisions or question those that she makes without me, everything that we own together is "hers" and all of the problems we have are "mine"... I just don't know how to do it any more. Even the idea of me having my own cell phone, credit card or vehicle is just unthinkable. I only get a certain allowance out of what I make and I damn well better be able to account for every cent before it's even spent. I feel like I have to give up on trying to be happy and consent to live in her bubble of insanity with no outside connections just to avoid what's become an unbearable amount of stress.
I've come here to ask if anyone else has experienced a relationship like this and if they ever found a way to save it. I love my wife more than anything, and we can have an amazing time together when this problem isn't rearing it's head. We're a great fit for each other, and I want to make it work if there's a way.
Thank you all for your time, it's very much appreciated.
__________________
"Feelings get you in relationships quickly, and feelings get you out of relationships quickly. Feelings do not fill in the for the sacrifice and dedication needed to make a relationship work. Feelings get themselves hurt." ~Nsweet~ Ignorance is an equal opportunity employer.~DedicatedDad~
Therapy.... you and her... that's my immediate suggestion. How is she with her own family and friends?
I had planned to schedule therapy of some sort within the week and hope it helps.
As for her own family, they're fine, they don't count in her insanity bubble. She can be an hour, two or even three hours late picking me up from somewhere or doing something important because she gets caught up talking to her mother for all that time. It's perfectly normal and acceptable for her to have a family (as it should be), but I have to get rid of mine.
As for friends, she has extreme difficulty making any. The ones she does have are all well and good, I suppose. I think they're really just there to give her someone to talk down about when they aren't around than to foster any actual friendships.
I know a few people here have experience with this sort of thing and will offer better advice then i can but i do wonder... Have you pointed out that if she can have family and friends... then you can as well? How would that work out? Oh... i think this may help...
__________________
"Feelings get you in relationships quickly, and feelings get you out of relationships quickly. Feelings do not fill in the for the sacrifice and dedication needed to make a relationship work. Feelings get themselves hurt." ~Nsweet~ Ignorance is an equal opportunity employer.~DedicatedDad~
__________________
"Feelings get you in relationships quickly, and feelings get you out of relationships quickly. Feelings do not fill in the for the sacrifice and dedication needed to make a relationship work. Feelings get themselves hurt." ~Nsweet~ Ignorance is an equal opportunity employer.~DedicatedDad~
I know a few people here have experience with this sort of thing and will offer better advice then i can but i do wonder... Have you pointed out that if she can have family and friends... then you can as well? How would that work out? Oh... i think this may help...
You can take a look at that and see if anything there can help?
I've tried everything I can think of. I've gone through letting her get her way, I've put my foot down and tried to establish myself, I've tried a mix of the two; none of it changes much of anything. Things might be different for a while, maybe a week or so, but something always happens to knock it back down.
I have pointed that out, yes. If you bring up anything that she can't navigate her way past or else she'd have to stare it in the face, I.E. something that is blatantly truthful and she can't thwart, she flies off the handle and any hope of some semblance of a reasonable conversation is instantly shot to pieces. That's when the "just divorce me" rigamorrole begins and there's a complete refusal to face any logical facts.
She doesn't get her way anymore, and that's where this enormous amount of stress is coming from. It's a daily battle where I'm struggling to be a whole person and catching almighty hellfire because of it. I'm not a weak person and I've never been what you would call a "nice guy", so there's that unavoidable butting of heads that HAS to stop. A high-conflict relationship is like pulling teeth day after day.
I refuse to give into her emotional vampirism anymore, and I'm looking for a way to save our relationship without being her pet. I think I deserve a normal life.
__________________
"Feelings get you in relationships quickly, and feelings get you out of relationships quickly. Feelings do not fill in the for the sacrifice and dedication needed to make a relationship work. Feelings get themselves hurt." ~Nsweet~ Ignorance is an equal opportunity employer.~DedicatedDad~
Here is a very informative article that does an exceptional job of illustrating the behavior of this type of individual, where I'm not so great at getting my point across. An excellent resource to get a feel for what is going on.
She's unwilling to make a compromise of ANY kind? How does she feel about going to therapy? (Clearly she needs it imo...)
Compromises are choppy water at best here. There have been "compromises" in theory that end up being a sham where I'm expected to follow through, but only me. More often than not the closest thing resembling a compromise is "fine, do whatever you want, I don't care" which anyone with any sense will realize is just a way to cover your own ass so later down the road you can say "I told you I didn't care!"
As for therapy, yes, she knows she has this problem and she's willing to see a therapist. Last night, in fact, she came right out and said that she doesn't want to be this way, and by the end of the night we were full-blown fighting after another control-binge. We've both agreed to see a marriage counselor for various reasons. I've done a bit of research, though, and found very little comfort in the idea of professional help; it doesn't seem to do squat in these situations, at least that's the general consensus I've gathered here.
I know there are a few here with bpd and have dealt with those who have it... they come on later though i think. They could probably give you some great advice on... as AFEH puts it... your an enabler and they may be able to help you STOP being an enabler. Hell I have anxiety issues myself but clearly not like that... and i sure as heck don't try and control my H. At least she does recognize she needs therapy. Have you considered a psychiatrist that specializing in dealing with this sort of thing?
__________________
"Feelings get you in relationships quickly, and feelings get you out of relationships quickly. Feelings do not fill in the for the sacrifice and dedication needed to make a relationship work. Feelings get themselves hurt." ~Nsweet~ Ignorance is an equal opportunity employer.~DedicatedDad~
Your wife royally shet tests you and you enable it because you have no healthy boundaries whatsoever. Sure your wife has problems but your most significant problems lay within you, not your wife.
Look to yourself for solutions to your problems. Go and see a psychologist and get yourself sorted out. First thing you need to understand is why you are “in love” with a woman who consciously, repetitively and deliberately shet tests you, wounds you and causes you pain. You need a therapist for some form of CBT such that you are reprogrammed to know what love really is all about.
As the topic suggests, I'm currently in a marital relationship with an overly controlling woman that I am fairly certain has undiagnosed BPD/NPD. This, as you can imagine, is putting an incredible strain on not only our relationship but also the quality of our lives in general.
I personally feel like I've become so much less than what I should be. I don't feel like a person any more, much less an equal in our relationship. I have no authority over my own life or our life together, and any attempt I make at wading through these issues, no matter how delicately I try, end in disaster. If anyone has experienced a BPD/NPD wife, they know exactly what I'm talking about. There is no way to broach the subject of your own feelings of complete and utter domination without invoking the wrath of this woman that inevitably materializes any time she feels that her control is being threatened; this is common procedure for this type of person.
I have no friends left, as I've been forced to choose between them and her one by one until they're all gone. That isn't enough, though. She's set to work on my family as well, and she's bound and determined to see me cut them entirely from my life, and until I finally relent to this, there will be no end to the proverbial ****storm that ensues any time she's forced to accept the fact that I do, indeed, have a family that I was born into. I'm not allowed to call my mother any more to check up on her because that makes me "dependent" and "spineless" and causes more issues that always end in a fight where I'm forced to choose between her and someone else, because I'm such a mean, evil person.
And she's right. I am spineless. I have no way to stand up to her for fear of everything in my life completely falling apart because I had the audacity to make friends with someone, or make a decision on my own. Every minute issue has to be blown into epic proportions if it involves any perceived threat to her dominance of our lives, and anything out of her emotional lockstep inevitably ends with threats of divorce and her being a professional victim while I magically transform into the horrible person she likes to paint me as when it's convenient for her. I find it's gotten to the point where I've nearly given up hope for any sort of respect or equality. I don't really open my mouth any more because whatever is going to happen when I do, even if only for casual conversation, will generally end up with me regretting whatever I said. I can't speak without being snapped at (I love being told to shut the **** up in public, like at the grocery store, and treated like a two year old wherever I go), I'm not allowed to have a negative opinion about the way she speaks to me (this makes me the bad guy), I can't have friends or family (or I'm dependent on other people/she isn't fully in control), I can't talk to people on the internet (if she knew I was posting this I'd honestly fear for my physical well-being), I am not allowed to make decisions or question those that she makes without me, everything that we own together is "hers" and all of the problems we have are "mine"... I just don't know how to do it any more. Even the idea of me having my own cell phone, credit card or vehicle is just unthinkable. I only get a certain allowance out of what I make and I damn well better be able to account for every cent before it's even spent. I feel like I have to give up on trying to be happy and consent to live in her bubble of insanity with no outside connections just to avoid what's become an unbearable amount of stress.
I've come here to ask if anyone else has experienced a relationship like this and if they ever found a way to save it. I love my wife more than anything, and we can have an amazing time together when this problem isn't rearing it's head. We're a great fit for each other, and I want to make it work if there's a way.
Thank you all for your time, it's very much appreciated.
Your wife royally shet tests you and you enable it because you have no healthy boundaries whatsoever. Sure your wife has problems but your most significant problems lay within you, not your wife.
Look to yourself for solutions to your problems. Go and see a psychologist and get yourself sorted out. First thing you need to understand is why you are “in love” with a woman who consciously, repetitively and deliberately shet tests you, wounds you and causes you pain. You need a therapist for some form of CBT such that you are reprogrammed to know what love really is all about.
I am scheduling an apointment with a therapist, yes. However, and with all due respect, I won't be blamed for the way my wife treats me. She acts this way because she has psychological issues that need to be addressed, and her attitude would be the same regardless of who her spouse might be. By your definition, every victim of abuse would be an enabler. It sounds a lot like blaming the abused for the abuser's behavior. That's along the same line of thinking that leads people to say things like women who wear skimpy outfits are asking to be raped.
I have issues that need to be addressed and I intend on taking care of that. Everyone has faults and I don't hide my own. If it's all the same, I'll wait around for someone who's dealt with this personally. "Setting healthy boundaries" is not a possibility with a NPD/BPD individual; if it were so simple there would be a lot of marriage counselors out there with empty pockets.
3Likes
The Controlling Wife 
