It sounds like your H’s measurement of his marriage’s success is that he’s not divorced? Maybe he just doesn’t know that marriages are over typically a long time before separation and eventual divorce?
Given his background he wont have a clue what a healthy and happy marriage actually looks like let alone how to create it. So not only will he not have goals and objectives for his marriage, if he did he wouldn’t have a clue how to go about achieving them. All the more reason to get him on that marriage course so he can see what happy and healthy marriages actually look like and how they’re created.
But what about you? Do you not think you have the right to feel peace, joy, happiness and contentment within you? To feel loved, valued and appreciated? One things for sure, life is not a dress rehearsal for the real thing. All we know for certain is that we get just one go at it. Sit yourself down and put yourself at the age of 85 and look back and contemplate your life. And see if that perspective gives you any clues about what to do today that will be best for your future.
There is so much going on right now in this picture, I want to ask one question. This guy lost three parents in the last year. How much of a pass does he get in order to deal with that? Clearly, there's work that he needs to do in this marriage, but does the clock have to start ticking right now? The work shouldn't be put off indefinitely, but does he need to get dumped because the work isn't happening immediately?
There is so much going on right now in this picture, I want to ask one question. This guy lost three parents in the last year. How much of a pass does he get in order to deal with that? Clearly, there's work that he needs to do in this marriage, but does the clock have to start ticking right now? The work shouldn't be put off indefinitely, but does he need to get dumped because the work isn't happening immediately?
No, he doesn't.
Its a work in progress.
A lot has happened in our lives in the past 4 years.
- TBI and then stroke in 2008
- Both dogs passed away within 6 weeks of his injury
- My mother's house burned down, she lost everything
- Husband came out as bi-sexual, after his TBI/stroke
- Our grown daughter got divorced, has major health issues, is on SSDI (she just turned 26)
- Our son was diagnosed with Grave's Disease
- His mother died
- His father died
- His stepfather died
- Our house flooded and we lost everything in March--still in the rebuilding process
So YES, I guess it's been a lot. It's been a lot for me too. Couple this with my caretaker duties for him (dr appt's, therapy, meds, making sure he's eaten, etc.), my full-time job, and full-time school that started in March, and YES - we have a full plate.
And YES, the stress of the house on top of it hasn't helped one bit--we were handling it fine until about a month ago and I guess it got to be too much.
So YES, we both need a break here. But, I guess since I'm the one that doesn't have the cognitive and physical issues, then I need to be the rock right now and the "I'm on it" one.
And I'm trying...I've just backed off and am just trying to be the supportive, nice wife. And I've also backed off my anger about how our lives have turned upside down. Just putting that anger aside this weekend has made a big difference--it feels more peaceful.
I will be seeing a mental health counselor tomorrow AM and we'll see if we can fit the pieces back together again.
It sounds like your H’s measurement of his marriage’s success is that he’s not divorced? Maybe he just doesn’t know that marriages are over typically a long time before separation and eventual divorce?
Given his background he wont have a clue what a healthy and happy marriage actually looks like let alone how to create it. So not only will he not have goals and objectives for his marriage, if he did he wouldn’t have a clue how to go about achieving them. All the more reason to get him on that marriage course so he can see what happy and healthy marriages actually look like and how they’re created.
But what about you? Do you not think you have the right to feel peace, joy, happiness and contentment within you? To feel loved, valued and appreciated? One things for sure, life is not a dress rehearsal for the real thing. All we know for certain is that we get just one go at it. Sit yourself down and put yourself at the age of 85 and look back and contemplate your life. And see if that perspective gives you any clues about what to do today that will be best for your future.
But I do think that I am the one responsible for whether I feel peace, joy, happiness and contentment within me.
And I'm working on it.
Leaving won't necessarily make me any happier. There are issues and problems everywhere. I need to solve those right here at home first, then if I want to leave at least I'll know that I did everything I could.
A work in progress...boy, being an adult is hard, huh?
But I do think that I am the one responsible for whether I feel peace, joy, happiness and contentment within me.
And I'm working on it.
Leaving won't necessarily make me any happier. There are issues and problems everywhere. I need to solve those right here at home first, then if I want to leave at least I'll know that I did everything I could.
A work in progress...boy, being an adult is hard, huh?
For me it just depends what you mean by responsible, in what "sense" you are using the word.
If for example a person is feeling miserable and sad, frustrated and angry because they’re being bullied at work by their boss, they are obviously not responsible for the bullying. What’s perhaps not so obvious is that neither are they responsible for how they feel about being bullied. Because how they feel about the bullying or indeed anything else in a great part defines them as a person.
What is the person supposed to do? Change the way they feel about being bullied? Such that they feel joy and pleasure about it? That sure would make one crazy person.
No. They are neither responsible for the bullying or indeed are they responsible for how feel about being bullied.
Where the person’s responsibility lays is in what they do about the bullying.
So if the bullied person does nothing about the bullying then for sure they are responsible for the continuance of it and subsequently their "continued" feelings of sadness, misery, anger and frustration!
If we want to know what ails us, we do best to look to those around us as well as ourselves. Our feelings of well being (or the opposite) can be greatly dependent upon the company we keep!
No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thine own
Or of thine friend's were.
Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee.
John Donne
A lot of people don’t get the above. We are all linked through our emotions, our emotional responses to the people, events and things happening around us. Admittedly some more so than others, at one extreme psychopaths for example seem to live in an emotionally isolated world of their own, how else could they be so cruel? Carl Jung got it, understood these things.
Someone has to be the strong one, someone has to make the first move, someone has to model the behavior.
I applaud you, in taking steps to NOT let life's crisis break you down. Stuff happens, it will happen again, and learning how to deal with it means you don't become the victim.
Yes, it's okay to ask what he should be doing. In time.
Even if HE stepped up right now and did A, B, C, you would need to be in a better place yourself to see it and accept it. Emotions, anger, resentment, would cloud you from it.
I would bet in a few months, if you are working on yourself, things will look a lot differently, and he might be more open to stepping up himself.
It's like turning the tables. Refusing to let life's crap turn you into a bitter person. And if he doesn't want to follow your lead... well, then you are so much better off anyways. So how can you lose?
It sounds like your H’s measurement of his marriage’s success is that he’s not divorced? Maybe he just doesn’t know that marriages are over typically a long time before separation and eventual divorce?
Given his background he wont have a clue what a healthy and happy marriage actually looks like let alone how to create it. So not only will he not have goals and objectives for his marriage, if he did he wouldn’t have a clue how to go about achieving them. All the more reason to get him on that marriage course so he can see what happy and healthy marriages actually look like and how they’re created.
But what about you? Do you not think you have the right to feel peace, joy, happiness and contentment within you? To feel loved, valued and appreciated? One things for sure, life is not a dress rehearsal for the real thing. All we know for certain is that we get just one go at it. Sit yourself down and put yourself at the age of 85 and look back and contemplate your life. And see if that perspective gives you any clues about what to do today that will be best for your future.
Of course I do.
But I also know that my happiness is dependent on me, other people can't make me happy. And THAT is where I have failed in the past.
I've actually done what you mentioned above and put myself 20 years down the road, would I be happy with the decisions I made? I have to honestly answer that as a yes.
I promised to love, honor, obey until death do us part, in sickness and in health--and I meant it. Life dealt us a blow like others who have experienced the same thing. And I'm not the type of person to run at the first sign of trouble. That's when I actually dig my heels in and do whatever is necessary to make things right.
I know I can only change me. But he's not adverse to change. This is a man who previously thought "counselling" was a dirty word. He not only is in counselling, but voluntarily. He has a one-on-one with his mental health counselor, he is in two weekly counselling groups for anger management and PTSD--and we both were previously seeing a counselor together. So believe me, that was a long way from where his stance used to be. He's admitted on several occasions that he knows "he's messed up" and he's sorry, but he's trying.
Me too - I know I have my own issues and I'm trying.
I need this man. Can I live without him, sure - but I don't want to. So I'm willing to throw out a life preserver until there are none left. It's just how I was raised. If I was miserable and didn't need/love this man--I would have been gone long ago.
But it's not that simple. For anyone out there who has had a spouse that has experienced traumatic medical injuries/issues, it's hard to explain. I feel responsible for make sure he's safe and cared for. It's my job as his spouse.
Here is what i would do
1. ask him to go to therapy with you.
2. If he refuses then you go alone, find a professional that can assist you in making choices about your future, and dealing with your current feelings.
3. If leaving is not an option bc you are not ready or willing that that is fine, but start making a plan in case you do decide to leave. Decide if you need money, a job, have some back up plan. Hopefully you will not have to use it, but there may come a day when you are ready to leave and you should try and leave on your terms when you are mind and money is in the right place.
4. Ask him to give up the porn. Tell him you still have strong sexual feelings for him, and if he is willing then you are willing put those porn girls to shame.
Do no do the silent treatment....thats will just bring your futher apart. Do no nag him...there is nothing worse than a naggy wife. Dont talk him to death. Thell him what you want...he is either willing or not to do it...then use his actions to help you decide your next move.
5. Dont ask him if he wants a divorce if your not ready...he may just say yes....then you really do need to split.
5. I had a distant husband, and i read this great book, called How to fix your marriage without talking about it. I learned a lot about myself and my husband. Read it. My huband read it a few months after i read it( i did not expect he would) he also said he learned a lot. It speaks a lot about the things men and women do that drive each other apart.
Good luck, i hope things work out for you.
Thanks for your input.
The porn issue is a little more involved due to the damage to his brain that centers around sexual feelings/orientation.
Someone has to be the strong one, someone has to make the first move, someone has to model the behavior.
I applaud you, in taking steps to NOT let life's crisis break you down. Stuff happens, it will happen again, and learning how to deal with it means you don't become the victim.
Yes, it's okay to ask what he should be doing. In time.
Even if HE stepped up right now and did A, B, C, you would need to be in a better place yourself to see it and accept it. Emotions, anger, resentment, would cloud you from it.
I would bet in a few months, if you are working on yourself, things will look a lot differently, and he might be more open to stepping up himself.
It's like turning the tables. Refusing to let life's crap turn you into a bitter person. And if he doesn't want to follow your lead... well, then you are so much better off anyways. So how can you lose?
Good luck, and be strong.
Thanks--you're right.
Emotions, anger, resentment have clouded it.
I've realized over the last few days that I am mad--at him. I'm mad because my life is not what it used to be or I expected it to be and I'm mad at him because he got sick/injured.
Silly I know, but I've realized that is what the major problem is with ME. So I've worked really hard the last few days to set the anger aside and look at things as "well, this is how it is, how are you going to deal with it now." That has made a HUGE difference, I can feel the anger is lifting. My husband and counselor have been telling me for the last couple of years that I was in denial as to the real situation with my husband and how it actually was. And I kept telling them they were wrong, I knew how it was but I was holding onto hope it would change.
And it's not going to. I was in denial. Now, I'm trying to look at things as they really are, not what I wish they were or could be.
I saw the mental health counselor yesterday and I start in a SAFE group tomorrow that deals with emotions, anger, resentment and how to recognize and work through them. I've also received a referral to get a psychiatrist to help deal with my issues and how I feel about his problems.
So I'm on the right track and I'm sure I'll get there, eventually. I'm a pretty stubborn gal, I don't give up easily.
I would do two things: Tell his counselor how MUCH porn/etc. he is using and ask his counselor to address it; let counselor know how close you two are to divorce and that this is a major issue.
Read His Needs Her Needs (again, if you've already read it), and follow the Plan.
I would do two things: Tell his counselor how MUCH porn/etc. he is using and ask his counselor to address it; let counselor know how close you two are to divorce and that this is a major issue.
Read His Needs Her Needs (again, if you've already read it), and follow the Plan.
PS: Did you meet his IC yesterday? What happened?
Yes I did meet his IC yesterday.
He knows we're at crisis level.
I also informed him of the porn and the change in sexuality--he was not surprised. Can be due to the TBI and stroke--the part of his brain that controls impulse and sexuality is damaged--they've told me that before (doesn't make it easier, but at least I know where it's coming from).
He used to always like porn but it ramped WAY UP after his TBI, I mean WAY UP--it's almost like it's his job now--wake up, brush teeth, have coffee, look at porn. Eat lunch, look at porn. Eat dinner, takes his meds, look at porn, then go to bed.
Based on what I saw in the last few months, it's even when the contractors are in the house rebuilding and painting. I know he's not masturbating in front of them!
It's like it's a habit. I did mention to him, gently and non-confrontationally that I thought he had a porn addiction and that perhaps he should address it. He didn't argue with me or anything, just sat listening, no response, no defensiveness--so maybe he "heard" me, maybe he didn't. I just know I'm not wasting anymore of MY ENERGY worrying about what he's looking at on the internet--I'm done there.
But, still addressing it.
IC sees him again in 2 weeks, is going to try to delve into our relationship, intimacy and how things are going without asking directly (that's the best way to get my husband to open up, especially since the TBI).
But thanks, I'll keep you guys posted--nice to see you're still here.
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Re: I Need Help Desperately! 
