My wife doesn't seem to trust me. she goes through my phone. she checks my facebook and its starting to get frustrating. I may chat with an old female friend or i'll occasionally chat with a girlfriend that i had when i was 16. these conversations are completely innocent in my mind. these women that i may occasionally chat/text with happens about every 2 to 3 months. Its nothing emotional. its just they hey hows it going, hows life going type of conversation. I always tell people that my marriage is going fine even when its a crappy ****ty day with the wife. i dont believe in giving up information about my life with my wife. i just dont do it. All of that is not good enough for her. She tells me that im reaching out to these women as if i want to have a Emotion affair or an affair all together. ive been going back and forth about if i should be mad because i trust her fully. wtf right? Should i just stop talking to the opposite sex or is there some serious problem with my wife that i need to work out. she has a past of guys treating her bed. especially an ex husband who she had our 10 yr old with. I'm just sick and tired of this. why am i(the good guy) getting blamed for things i dont wanna do. Am i paying for trouble the guys in her past caused?
background.
me & the wife are 30
currently celebrating our 1 year anniversary in memphis.
she just brung up this mess again so i had to ask you guys what you think..
Re: Wife doesn't seem to trust me. should i be upset?
Two trains of thought...
1) if it upsets your wife so much, why do you continue these innocent conversations that dont appear to be that important to you?
2) yes, you are paying for the misdeeds of her past life. Open, honest communication with her and complete transparency will help + telling her whenever you talk to an old flame/friend.
I wouldn't like it though- because I'm not the jealous type and would get tired of it- so you should probably say that gently too... Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Wife doesn't seem to trust me. should i be upset?
The most important focus in your situation is not debating who's right and who's wrong.... It's the fact that your spouse is simply not comfortable with these relationships right now. For whatever reasons, she is who she is and she feels this way. Fighting her over it or ignoring how she feels will do nothing but drive a wedge between you two over time. What you need to do is approach her with an open mind, tell her you respect her feelings and are willing to work with her because you love her, but also use this as an opportunity for some compromise that you need her to build trust in you over time as well.
You can't turn a switch off and expect her to change, she may need time to get there... But the only way she will ever get there is if she feels your love and support along the way to help encourage her. You need to act with positive moves to strengthen the bond of your relationship, not tear it apart with negative interactions. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Wife doesn't seem to trust me. should i be upset?
You can’t drop exceedingly occasional chats with women from the past to please your wife, the woman you’re actually living with? Even though you know she’s insecure? Sounds exceedingly selfish and self centered to me.
You keep in touch with women from the past to keep them in the present and the future and therefore in your marriage. Your wife knows that.
Re: Wife doesn't seem to trust me. should i be upset?
There should be complete transparency in marriage.. privacy means that you get to close the bathroom door...
This is especially true with the internet these days where a person can carry on an affair online with their spouse in the same room not knowing what is going on.
Your wife is insecure. You married her knowing this. Let her snoop if it makes her feel safer. So what. Over time if she finds nothing she will learn to trust you.. . then occassionally she will panic and check again.
Also, when you exchange emails with the other women... do you tell them how wonderful your wife is? Or things like "Wife and I had a great day today... we went to (fill in the blank). I really enjoy when we do things like this.
YOu know make it obvious that you are happily married. IF your wife read emails like that I'll bet she would not complain so much.
Re: Wife doesn't seem to trust me. should i be upset?
You are keeping your wife insecure by keeping these people in your life. Your wife should come first, not your selfish reasons for keeping old girlfriends around or their feelings. Also in a marraige there should be full transparency. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Wife doesn't seem to trust me. should i be upset?
Try this: When you guys are nice and relaxed, ask her why it bothers her so much. Get her to open up about it, and just listen. Don't argue or try to prove her wrong, just listen. When she's done, don't present your counter argument or try to poke holes in everything she said. Just thank her for sharing. Think on it, sleep on it, and really consider her point of few. I think if you do that, at least get a better perspective of why your wife feels the way she does, you might better understand why you should probably let those old relationships go.
So as a married man i can no longer speak to the opposite sex? I feel that its her being controlling. She has all my passwords and codes to everything so its not like im hiding. I tell her anything she wants to know. I always tell people that marrying my wife was the best thing thats ever happened to me. It just seems like if its not one thing its another. I dont think im being selfish i just dont think we get in marriages to be controlled.
Re: Wife doesn't seem to trust me. should i be upset?
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheMarriedMan
I dont think im being selfish i just dont think we get in marriages to be controlled.
Try this on for size.
You made several vows when you got married. One was fidelity. That was your choice. Suppose you had an affair. If your wife were to get upset, she would not be being controlling, just legitimately angry because you broke a promise.
You are putting energy into relationships with other women that should properly be invested in the relationship with your wife.
If you disagree, no one is holding a gun against your head. Maybe you aren't ready to be married?
Re: Wife doesn't seem to trust me. should i be upset?
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheMarriedMan
So as a married man i can no longer speak to the opposite sex? I feel that its her being controlling. She has all my passwords and codes to everything so its not like im hiding. I tell her anything she wants to know. I always tell people that marrying my wife was the best thing thats ever happened to me. It just seems like if its not one thing its another. I dont think im being selfish i just dont think we get in marriages to be controlled.
It's been mentioned already, but I'll repeat it: your wife is very insecure about your relationships with these women, probably especially the ex-girlfriend. Regardless of the time that has passed, you once had a close relationship with her and your wife's issues from being cheated on in the past are coloring how she sees all of your female relations outside of family.
Yes, she's trying to be controlling-controlling how she feels safe in your marriage. She doesn't feel safe because of your history with your female friends and because of her own past.
It sounds like you've been very transparent with your activities, but you'll need to go the extra mile and cut off those chats with your female friends. It may be the only way to calm her down., although that's not a given. Also, I"d see about getting her to seek Individual counseling for her trust issues.
Re: Wife doesn't seem to trust me. should i be upset?
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheMarriedMan
So as a married man i can no longer speak to the opposite sex? I feel that its her being controlling. She has all my passwords and codes to everything so its not like im hiding. I tell her anything she wants to know. I always tell people that marrying my wife was the best thing thats ever happened to me. It just seems like if its not one thing its another. I dont think im being selfish i just dont think we get in marriages to be controlled.
It's not about speaking to the opposite sex, it's about speaking to the opposite sex you have history with before your wife. THAT is a huge difference.
Re: Wife doesn't seem to trust me. should i be upset?
I agree with all of the above.
If your exes and friends were seeking you out, then I could see where your wife would be overreacting, in a WAY. Depends on what you say and how you handle things.
Since you say it's innocent, fine. But your wife doesn't think it is, and who is more important here? Exes from 15 years ago, or your wife?
The fact that you think it's controlling is scary to me because you are saying her feelings on the matter are not valid. You dismiss her feelings by saying she is controlling....that's hard for someone to deal with because now, anything she says about how she feels will be double guessed by her as being controlling and you have closed the door on communication.
8Likes
Wife doesn't seem to trust me. should i be upset? 
Re: Wife doesn't seem to trust me. should i be upset? 
